BPD or not - that's not what matters?

[Hopeful83]

Hi guys,

I noticed that a lot of people on here struggle with the question of whether their ex was BPD or not - that's a question that I've also had playing through my mind on many, many occasions since my relationship unexpectedly broke down in less than weeks.

I thought, though, I'd share with you what advice my friend gave me yesterday and how I'm starting to frame the situation. She argued that the way my ex and I dealt with the breakup should tell me everything I need to know about him. He projected everything on to me, gave me an explanation that made zero sense, harassed me, got engaged to someone else in the space of two months, deleted all traces of me and the life we shared off his SM, essentially left me with a pile of sh*t to decipher, broadcasted how 'happy' he was with his new fiancee all over social media knowing my friends would see it, contacted friends of mine to try and argue his point, applied for a job at a company where one of my best friends is the head of recruitment etc.

I, meanwhile, went NC, ignored repeated taunts, ignored an email from his now fiancee, and haven't contacted him in months.

Her point is that I deserve someone who, REGARDLESS of what the circumstances are, would respect me and the three years that we shared together. And she's right. Whether he's BPD or not shouldn't make any difference at this point. And the same applies to many of you here, too. Some of the stories I've read are totally horrific. This is not the way one should behave with their ex, even if you are done with the relationship.

This is not about painting the other person black and walking away thinking that you're blameless. I had a part to play in my relationship, too, and I know what I need to do in order to become a healthier person before I get into another long-term relationship. However, the way it ended tells me everything I need to know about my ex and his psychological state. Stable people don't behave this way. Is this the kind of person I want to build a future with? No. Did I deserve to be discarded like I meant nothing after everything we went through? No. Did I deserve to have my nose rubbed in his new relationship just weeks after we had ended? No. Did I deserve someone who one minute told me that I was the love of his life and the next told me he didn't know how he felt about me? No.

And that's what I'm trying to focus on as I move forward.

Hopeful

[Beach_Babe]

Well said!

[stacma04]

@hopeful83, you are so very right, at the end of the day should it really matter what mental disorder they have? I understand that some of us are just trying to understand What the heck happened? My Ex had went and got engaged one month after breaking up with me. Discarded me like trash, months ago I was looking at his social media and freaking out, I no longer look, I'm detaching from the toxicity, and I will never give  him the satisfaction to know how much he's hurt me. I'll let him continue to play his game with himself, What he does Now is no longer my problem, I have to work on myself. I know he has a mental disorder, and that's his issue to deal with, I've removed myself from his craziness. No one needs or deserved to be treated the way we were treated. Disorderd or not, these people treated us terribly, and no one deserves that.

[Hopeful83]

Thank you both.

While I take full accountability for my 'faults' in the relationship, NOTHING I did warranted his treatment of me in the end. Absolutely nothing. I didn't cheat on him. I didn't curse his family members or people who are important to him. I never cursed him (even though he'd swear repeatedly when he was having a rage). I never turned my back on him when he needed me. I never bad mouthed him. I never lied to him. I was never abusive to him. I never blackmailed him emotionally.

Did I make mistakes? Yes. We ALL make mistakes. But the hallmark of a healthy relationship is the ability to communicate each other's needs and let the other person know if they're not meeting them in some way or another. He NEVER complained about anything major that I did. I never broke his trust. I didn't do any 'deal breaker' behaviours. And yet I was discarded like an empty chip packet the minute things got tough in his world. BPD or cultural issues - whatever is behind it, it doesn't matter. He wasn't strong enough, wasn't emotionally aware enough, wasn't mature enough to be the man I need.

So when I break it down this way I know I deserve MUCH better than this. It's as simple as that.

[Michelle27]

I can understand why some people get stuck for awhile on wondering whether it was BPD that was at play in our relationship or not.  I was there when I first stumbled onto it as a possible explanation for the crazy stuff in my marriage.  At the time, it was kind of a "eureka" moment because suddenly, the things I was seeing  made sense.  I was stuck there for awhile in wanting the problem fixed so we could move on in a healthy way, before I could look at my part in the relationship, make those changes in hopes of changing the dynamics of the relationship, and when that didn't make enough difference, begin detaching.  With hindsight, I now see that it didn't matter if he had BPD or not (I pushed hard for years for him to get an assessment and get help), what matters is how the relationship was toxic for me, and really, for him too.  By that token I understand when people want to know.

[NoNoNo]

I couldn't agree more. It does not matter. After the initial shock when realizing my ex girlfriend's BPD traits -and our relationship's- I have come to that conclusion myself. If she in fact is Borderline, then she lacks the emotional capacity to manage a healthy, loving, relationship. If she is not Borderline, then she is just a horrendous human being. Either way, it is crystal clear to me: she is not worth my energy. And that's that. From then on, I really couldn't care less about anything she thinks or does. As much as I have suffered, I'm grateful things finished as badly as they did, otherwise I would still be immersed in that horror circus! feeding on the drama to ultimately accomplish nothing.   

[Hopeful83]

 

Michelle, I understand too because I was also there. I agonised over it for a while and in one way I actually hoped it wasn't BPD because then at least there's some chance he'll wake up one day and realise what he did was wrong with a capital W. But I guess there just comes point in your recovery when you have to draw a line under it, and for me it helped me to see it in these terms - that illness or no illness, the way he behaved was disrespectful and immature, and I don't need that toxicity in my life. His fiancée really is welcome to him. 

NoNoNo, yeah I found a huge weight lifted when I started thinking of it in terms of "he doesn't have the capacity to manage a healthy relationship." And I want that - someone stable I can build a life with. I suppose I'm lucky it came tumbling down at this point instead of five, ten years down the line. Doesn't take away the pain of losing someone, but thinking of it practically helps me to keep moving forward.

[hopealways]

I couldn't agree more. It does not matter. After the initial shock when realizing my ex girlfriend's BPD traits -and our relationship's- I have come to that conclusion myself. If she in fact is Borderline, then she lacks the emotional capacity to manage a healthy, loving, relationship. If she is not Borderline, then she is just a horrendous human being. Either way, it is crystal clear to me: she is not worth my energy. And that's that. From then on, I really couldn't care less about anything she thinks or does. As much as I have suffered, I'm grateful things finished as badly as they did, otherwise I would still be immersed in that horror circus! feeding on the drama to ultimately accomplish nothing.   

This is a great way to think of it. Perfect logic, something BPD cannot understand.

[once removed]

i couldnt agree with you more, hopeful83, and its a really balanced outlook that you have. BPD, as a percentage of the population is rare. the vast majority of our exes are undiagnosed and none of us are professionals. if i learned once and for all that my ex doesnt have BPD, id probably be a little surprised, but id shrug; it would not effect me.

i feel like our diagnosing them is a little bit like water wings. at the beginning its our life line. it can be valuable, useful, and it can provide security as we make our way toward the deep end. thats great. we learned how to swim because of it.

im also convinced that reaching the place you have and the speed at which we do it is unique; it takes time. we can venture into the deeper ends with our water wings; take away the water wings and things get very scary. once you learn how to float, and then floating becomes natural, its difficult to even fathom the original need for water wings. there is no timeline that i know of on that process; everyone progresses at different rates.

youre looking at what really matters, to you as to why the relationship ended, not ending the search at "oh, its BPD". i think thats a testament to your progress, recovery, and resiliency. congratulations, hopeful83 

[Hopeful83]

i couldnt agree with you more, hopeful83, and its a really balanced outlook that you have. BPD, as a percentage of the population is rare. the vast majority of our exes are undiagnosed and none of us are professionals. if i learned once and for all that my ex doesnt have BPD, id probably be a little surprised, but id shrug; it would not effect me.

i feel like our diagnosing them is a little bit like water wings. at the beginning its our life line. it can be valuable, useful, and it can provide security as we make our way toward the deep end. thats great. we learned how to swim because of it.

im also convinced that reaching the place you have and the speed at which we do it is unique; it takes time. we can venture into the deeper ends with our water wings; take away the water wings and things get very scary. once you learn how to float, and then floating becomes natural, its difficult to even fathom the original need for water wings. there is no timeline that i know of on that process; everyone progresses at different rates.

youre looking at what really matters, to you as to why the relationship ended, not ending the search at "oh, its BPD". i think thats a testament to your progress, recovery, and resiliency. congratulations, hopeful83 

 once removed

Thank you so much, it means a lot to read those words   

These last five months have been the hardest five months of my adult life. I wouldn't wish this pain on anybody.

You're right on the water rings front! That's how it felt at the beginning - a relief to have an explanation for the bizarre behaviours that I had not only witnessed for the three years we were together, but also for the abrupt and traumatic ending. I was relieved to find this board and have some sort of explanation other than "he's an idiot," because it just didn't add up.

But you're also right in that we cannot diagnose. I still do believe that our breakup happened due to a combination of cultural pressures and unresolved issues he has from his past (child abuse), and it wouldn't surprise me if a professional would diagnose him with BPD, although it's likely he either has a mild version of it or that he's battling with something that is similar. But, like I said, I have to draw a line under it now, and it helps me to think of it in the way I describe above: I really do deserve better.

I know we're all flawed. I have my own issues and as soon as I get a new job I'll be seeing a therapist asap to work through them. But therein lies the difference between my ex and I - he watched his anger grow and grow and turn into full-blown rage and still didn't take it seriously enough to get help. And in the end he had the audacity to blame the rage on the 'frustration' he felt in the relationship - and yet when we were together he assured me he was happy and that it was nothing I was doing wrong! His rages were awful and he also hit me once - if I had done something like that to him I would have been horrified, ashamed, and at the therapist's office the very next day. You don't treat people like this.

This is the key difference. Do I want to be with a man who is a) so impulsive and b) blames his issues on others? Nope. We had a whole future mapped out together. I was here, waiting for him to come so that we could move forward with our plans, and he bailed leaving me essentially homeless, jobless, and wondering what on earth went wrong. And to think I wanted to have kids with him.

Even though I still have bad days, and I still have a long way to go before my life is back together again, I know that it's for the best that this happened. I have to get a job, I have to get my own place again. It's so daunting but the alternative is to live a miserable life and I don't want that. I want to be happy, content, and back on the road - the longer I'm like this the longer I deprive myself of the chance of being where I want to be in life.

Hopeful

[Moorwen]

In my eyes respect, trust and understanding make soil love grows in. If you lack any of these once you start relationship and during it, probably it will die out. I believed i had these when i met her, but lies, manipulations, cheating, convinced me otherwise. Its good to follow your heart, but listen to your brain and instincts too (at time i listened only my foolish big heart). If it starts to hurt, then it is wrong. In the end i left it to heal and am better off. Life like that would be hell and even life alone seems better then life like that. Keep your chin up.

[once removed]

I really do deserve better.

that jumped out at me. it suggests that you have self esteem, and that it is intact. it means that though this will probably be one of the most difficult things that you ever go through, you have already survived, and will thrive.

you also express a pretty balanced perspective on the breakup. youve done hard work already, and good for you for planning to see a therapist soon. please keep posting and keep us posted, we are here for you at every step of the way.

[joel6242]

I am probably one of the people that you are talking about. Yes I am struggling and yes this is hard. The good news is that I am willing to listen to everyone and I truly see the problem. I think that my situation my be extreme. I also got left in a sh*t hole and am digging out. I never knew what BPD was until about three weeks ago even though my doctors keep telling me my ex was BPD. It was not until I found out about the secret life last week that I was able to put the pieces together.

I have started the NC thing last week, I am waiting for so more hell in the next few weeks. Your comments and others are helping very much, so thank you.

[Joem678]

I think people ask because of the length of time in a relationship and the things they witnessed.  Over the course of my 19 year marriage, I was put through the wringer.  My wife let me unemployed while attending school.  I had to withdrawal from the semester and I'm about to foreclose on our home.  Yes, this is a horrible situation.  But the reason why I ask that question has nothing to do with the way she left.  The reason I ask that question is because of all the moments all these years  that left me thinking, what just happened? or what is wrong with her?  Now my teenage sons are seeing odd behavior too. 

So, I need to understand what is going on for my sake, for the sake of my 4 kids and yes for the sake of their mother.  I was left suicidal and in complete shock.  But, I have learned that I need to get healthy not only for myself or my kids but also for her.  Regardless whether we get divorced or not.  She will always be there.

So, it's not about the break up/separation at all in my case.  jUst trying to understand her behaviors