Introduction

[TMMT]

Hi, I've been a lurker for a long time and also seek therapy for my uBPD mother. I have been trying to work through this for at least 30 years. I can tell I've made a lot of progress, but not as much as I thought.  My uBPD/NPD mother is still alive, at age 91. She was recently put in a nursing home which brought out a lot of my old FOG feelings as well as the fact that I'm not done with my journey in trying to heal.  I never knew growing up that she was ill; it took me until my late 20s to find out through a therapist. She has caused an amazing amount of dysfunction in our lives, as well as hers. I am the youngest of 3; my middle brother was murdered. In my mind, she had a lot to do with that as he was murdered by his 1st wife who is a BPD witch. (Like attracts like).  The 1st wife had him killed for a falsified insurance policy.  I'm through a lot of the anger but now have a lot of sadness for a life that was wasted, mine not hers and of course my brothers. I was super-sensitive as a child, used to hide from people and wonder what exactly happened to me in those early years. I'll never know. I spent most of my life trying to get her to like/love me/accept me but I now realize it was futile... .a waste of a life... .mine not hers. I also realize she probably had things that happened in her young life that shaped her this way but there comes a time when you get yourself together. She was not able to do that and still to this day, in a nursing home, tries to manipulate those around her. She is a hypochondriac and has had so many visits to the ER that they knew her by name. She was as they term it "a frequent flier".  I want to get past this and try to live a happy life, whatever is left though a part of me feels like it is over. Traumatic things happened to me as a child (17-yes I was still a child and very immature) and I could not go to her of all people. I feared her. Instead, it traumatized me for life and shut me down... .I just want to figure out how to let it all go as you can't go back and change the past. Most people my age have gone to school, had a good marriage, kids, grandkids.

I have 2 failed marriages, with the first marriage being the one time in my life I think I could have made it... .I actually thought I found someone who loved me for who I was. That was so amazing to me as I never had it at home. Its obvious to me he did not love me like that. I became pregnant and he made me give up my child. I was afraid of losing the first real love (or so I thought) and could not go to my mother. He had time to think about it too. At the time, he was more worried about people finding out and never even apologized to me.  He did years later but it was too late. I pleaded for my child's life but felt I had nowhere to go, no choice and I didn't want to lose him either so I gave up my child as well as a big chunk of my heart and soul. I was used to that.  Stupid girl that I was... .I didn't know I could have gone into a home and had my child. I went on to marry him but before the date of our marriage, I started to have doubts, knew I needed time, knew I was too young but he said, "now or never" so I married him. I did love him. He lost his job right after we married and I worked full time. Six months into this routine (I'd come home and he'd be watching soap operas on TV), I came home yet another day and it finally hit me:  He does not love you or care for you. He never stepped up when to fight for you. He does not consider you or your feelings at all. I left him, a few times but came back as I did love him but I guess underneath it all was the abortion. It was just too much for me and I buried it for the last almost 40 years. I just couldn't figure it out at the time. I left and he found a girlfriend who had a kid. Mine was in the trash, but he took HER kid under his wing. I was devastated... .more than I'd ever been and went to the priest who married us cause I still loved him but he chose her. I lost my child, the person who I thought was the love of my life, my marriage, his family (whom I loved), my dog and my godchild.

I think I just drank the next 2 years away; I heard he'd married her. Two months before his bio child was born, my brother was murdered. 1-1/2 years later, while pregnant with my 1st child, my Dad dropped dead of a heart attack in front of me and then 1-1/2 years after that my 2nd child was born ill, stayed in the hospital for 6 months and then passed away. During all of this, of course my mother went down hill and I felt responsible for her and stayed with her exposing my kids to her. She had this way of always making me look bad.  I had married an alcoholic who had a life as bad as mine (SURPRISE). I stayed with him cause I felt sorry for him but more I felt so unworthy.  I did manage to have 3 great kids. We are now divorced and I feel like I am trying to get over an absolute waste of a life. 

Through this whole time, I was by my mother's side.  That's a whole other thread but I feel like I've gotten over her manipulations. I found a great therapist (my 10th) who helped me a lot. I feel like I need help figuring out how to let things go cause I am stuck.  Sorry you just got my life story to a point but it's all part of who I am. The realization of the trauma from my past is new; I had buried it all this time and it seems to have complicated my dealing with my mother because I think in some offhand way, I blame her for not being accessible, a loving mother, someone I could have gone to all those years ago and had my child. I had no one.  Thanks for listening.   

[Kwamina]

Hi TMMT

Thanks for posting this introduction and welcome to our online community

You have been through quite a lot in your life, some very traumatic events too. I am very sorry you lost your brother in such a horrific way.

You also lost your first two kids which is very difficult to deal with it.

Your mother's behavior has seriously impacted your life. It is a sad and unfortunate reality that parents with BPD often greatly affect their children. Your mother hasn't been officially diagnosed with BPD but has she perhaps ever been diagnosed with another disorder? Has she perhaps ever gotten any kind of treatment or therapy for her issues?

To help you get started here, I suggest you take a look at the Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse. You can find it in the right hand-side margin of this message board. The guide takes you from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing. This healing process isn't necessarily linear though, often members find themselves working on several steps at the same time and also going back to steps they've been on before. When you look at the guide, do you see any areas that you currently find yourself struggling with and/or would like to work on?

You are dealing with a lot of sadness which is understandable after going through many years of struggles. To help you accept the present and past reality and help you move on, I suggest you take a look at a article we have here about radical acceptance. Here's an excerpt:

Reality acceptance skills are the skills that you need when really painful events happen in your life. And you can't change the painful event.  You can't solve it. You can't make it go away. And, you can't turn it into a positive.  It's a negative that just won't become a positive.  And you're miserable.

When that happens, practice reality acceptance.

So what are you going to practice? First, you're going to practice accepting radically. You're going to want to accept that the event has actually happened. You're going to need to accept that there's a cause. It happened for some reason.  You may not know what the reason is, but there is a reason.

And, you're going to want to accept that you can move through it.  You can develop a life that has satisfaction, meaning and worth in it. Even with this painful event in your life.

In order to do that, you're going to have to turn your mind over and over and over.  When you reach the fork in the road, with pain in the middle of it, turn your mind to acceptance. Away from rejection.

And practice willingness. Practicing willingness means recognizing that you are part of life, that you are connected to things. But it's more than that. It's not just recognizing that you're part of life but it's actually agreeing to be part of life.

These are the skills of reality acceptance.  It sounds easy. Well, probably doesn't sound easy, probably sounds hard.  It is hard. It's really hard.

All of us are still practicing this. This is not one of those things you're going to get perfect at.  There's not going to be a day when you can say, 'Alright, I've got it; I've got it.  I can radically accept. I turn the mind all the time and I'm willing.'  That day is not going to come.

This is the only set of skills that I teach that I would have to say just about everybody has to practice just about every day of their lives.

The way to practice these skills at the beginning when they're really hard is to find small things to practice them on first.  If you start trying to practice on the really big things, you're not going to be able to do it.   So find something small. Practice on that.

The willfulness, notice it.  You could start by counting it. Slowly try to replace it.

Radical acceptance, notice when you are not accepting. You could start with counting it.  Slowly try to replace it.

Turning the mind, write yourself a note. Put it somewhere in your house.  Put it on the refrigerator. All you have to write is 'Turn the Mind'.  Put it up.  Try to practice it. Practice it every time you open the refrigerator.

If you keep practicing these skills, they do get easier. It's really the truth - they do. You'll get better at it. Life will get easier.

Alright, so those are the skills.

Radical acceptance - remember the word radical - complete, total, all the way.

Turning the mind over and over and over and over.

And willingness - entering life with willingness.

Now, I know that these are really difficult skills.  They, they've been difficult for me.  They are difficult for everybody I know.  And the facts of the matter are, every single person  I know is practicing these skills.

But I think if you practice them you'll find over time, may take a while, maybe slower than you want, but I think you're going to find them really helpful . The secret is, don't reject them right away. Don't reject them if you don't feel better right away or somehow your life isn't worth living right this minute.  These skills take time to work.  But, if you keep at it, I think they will work.

You can read the entire article here:

From suffering to freedom: Practicing reality acceptance

Take care