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Author Topic: Detaching: How events can disrupt it.  (Read 490 times)
Caley
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 154


« on: November 15, 2015, 08:19:34 PM »



My girlfriend and I are tied in an rental agreement so financially, until January, neither her nor I are in a position to go NC.

We have discussed remaining together and calling it quits. This morning she instigated the 'calling it quits' due to her feeling like the communication between was too effort-full. I agreed and after yet another bout of her calling me names and, what seemed to me like she was guilt tripping me, agreed we should sleep in separate rooms. She moved into the spare bedroom this evening ... Walked around the house with an air of indifference which feels like the silent treatment. After going to bed at 9pm she came downstairs at 11pm and said she was sorry that we had fallen out again.

I explained that I appreciated her apology but that sometimes just saying sorry isn't good enough. She said she understood. I explained that it would feel more genuine if she were able to say why she was sorry and for what ... .but she struggled to.

We spoke of relationship agreements and relationship 'must have/s' ... what each other's expectations were and deal breakers ... the excercise went well. At 1.30am I suggested we both sleep on the agreements we had written down. She agreed.

As I was getting ready to go to bed myself ... I heard crying from her room. I knocked ... opened the door and asked if she was OK (clearly not) ... she said the her Mum had texted to say that the family dog had died. Of course ... very upsetting.

I said that it was natural to want to cry ... and that she should. I said I would leave her to be by herself ... she pulled me back asking me to stay. So I did for a while ... until she said, 'I feel so awful ... I was going to see Poppy today' (the dog ... who has been unwell for two weeks ... that she hasn't visited in two weeks) ... and in a rush of cold blood I just wanted to get out of her room.

A harmless enough comment I guess ... but I just felt WOW ! Did she just make the death of the family dog about her?

I shuddered and said ... you need to cry and I don't believe you're going to let the tears come whilst I'm sat here. I gave her a kiss ... said I'm here for her and if she needed me ... she knows that I'm just upstairs. I then left ... .

Times like these ... their grief and upset ... really don't help when you're trying to detach ... makes me wonder if the Universe is against the decision to detach.

At the same time ... she did didn't she? She did make Poppy's death ... all about her ... not Poppy, or her Mum, or any other family member ... in that moment ... another opportunity to make herself feel ashamed ... and for me ... the complete d?ckhead for putting up with her push/pull Bulls?t ... a clear invitation to feel sorry for her and attempt to make her feel better.

And, y'know what? I feel ashamed of myself for recognising that I don't know why ... why I can't feel anything ... anymore.

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C.Stein
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2360



« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2015, 07:52:43 AM »

I went through the better part of the last 6 months of my relationship not feeling anything either.   It had been happening for a while ... .the numbness of my heart as a result of the hurtful things my ex did.  She wasn't happy I withdrew but it was completely within her power to draw me back in.
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OutOfEgypt
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 1056



« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2015, 09:03:12 AM »

Excerpt
Times like these ... their grief and upset ... really don't help when you're trying to detach ... makes me wonder if the Universe is against the decision to detach.

No, but she sure is.  When it's time to detach, it will only be her doing the detaching, and it will be completely on her terms.  That's how it has to work for her.

And yes, they will make even the most horrible things about them.  My wife and I see the same thing happen with my ex-wife.  My eldest child, now an adult, finds himself hurt or in trouble, and my ex somehow makes it about her, soliciting sympathy and even crying to my wife about it (which is a tad awkward!).

I tell you one thing... .even physically breaking away from a person like this is extremely difficult.  When I finally broke it off with my uBPD ex, it took four months to get her to move out.  Four.  Even with legal help.  It was insane.

Can you talk to the landlord about maybe finding someone else to temporarily move in until the lease runs out -you know, to take your spot?  Or even if you continue to pay your rent, is there maybe a friend you can move in with for a time, just to get away?  If you can't, then wow, please do what you can to avoid the emotional interactions.  She will pull you in, and if she wants, suddenly she'll have called the cops.  It is a precarious position to be in, indeed.  Whether it's for a full-blown argument, or to call you (as you sleep in another room) in the middle of the night to cry to you, she will definitely try to keep you on the hook, emotionally.  :)uring my four month survival period, I did everything I could to stay out of the home until I needed to return just for sleep.  That's it.  I hung out all over town, went to the park, walked in the woods, sat at coffee shops, had lunch dates with friends, you name it.
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