Will I be normal again?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Will I ever be normal again?  I know we come out stronger and wiser but will there ever be a time where I will forget and just not have those memories flash in my mind unexpectedly?  I have been out about 13-14 months. I am doing well but then memories and feelings of missing her hit me and I am down. Will there ever be I time when I am myself again and this experience does not affect me?  It's a loaded question but thoughts?

[willtimeheal]

Will I ever be normal again?  I know we come out stronger and wiser but will there ever be a time where I will forget and just not have those memories flash in my mind unexpectedly?  I have been out about 13-14 months. I am doing well but then memories and feelings of missing her hit me and I am down. Will there ever be I time when I am myself again and this experience does not affect me?  It's a loaded question but thoughts?

[enlighten me]

There will be a time when they become a memory. Think of your school friends that at the time where a huge part of your life who now you don't think about or only think about if you see them on facebook.

Your ex will eventually be one of those. It will happen when the memories of your ex are at the bottom of a pile of new memories. The more you get out and do things the more memories you will create.

[C.Stein]

You never forget, but with time the memories won't be attached to emotions anymore.   I've had a couple of girlfriends that I lost and at the time it emotionally wrecked me.  Anyhow when I remember them, and I do from time to time, they are just memories, I don't really feel any emotions attached to the memory anymore.

[OutOfEgypt]

Will there ever be a time when it's like this all never happened to you?  In my experience, probably not.  But then again, I don't know your whole story.  It probably depends on a lot of things.  I was married to my uBPD ex-wife for 13 years and then tried to get back together one more time after the divorce.  We share children, too.  So, in my situation it's difficult to say that my life hasn't been permanently impacted in some way.  It obviously has.  That doesn't mean my life is over.  It means my life is different, and that's okay.  Those things aside, there are some long-standing wounds that will probably take time (and perhaps more therapy at some point) to work through.  I may always have a "limp", in that sense.

However, do I miss my ex?  Absolutely not.  :)o I think about her 24/7?  No.  I tend to only think of her at all because of the pending court case, and that's out of frustration and fear and for the sake of my children.  I don't get flashbacks like I used to.  Occasionally, I feel exhausted and look back over the last 17 years in a sort of disbelief, and sadness, and sometimes I may remember some good times, here and there -but never with longing or missing her.  It's more like watching old movies in my head and more about memories of when the kids were younger.

So, will you be the same person you were before?  I think that depends on the trauma and length of the relationship and what-not, but you will definitely not feel like you do right now for the rest of your life.  No way.  It will all be a distant memory at some point.  The more time, and life, you put between yourself and her, the better it will get.

[once removed]

im a few months short of five years out. since im on this site regularly, of course i think about her. in fact, occasionally, i dream about her, and in the last 8 months, ive had a handful of flashbacks. i think that the experience will always be one of the most important things that has ever happened to me.

there is no emotional connection to any of these memories. although the experience will change you (and i think, as you say, for the better), you will change the memory.

[Tangy]

Thanks for this thread. I'm kind of asking myself the same thing. I will enjoy reading the answers.

[oceanblue]

YES - you will be normal again!  Like all things good and bad - your experiences with the BPD will fade and the emotional scars will heal.  If you do some work around yourself - you will be even better.  The first six months after my breakup were hell - depression, panic attacks, constant crying.  I was also extremely angry at times - at him and at myself.  The next six months were only slightly better.  But the second year was the time when things started to finally look up, I had more good days than bad and I could finally think about my ex without having a lot of negative feelings.  As the emotions fade, you can start to have some context for what happened and why.

Be gentle with yourself.  BPDs leave a lot of trauma for us to unfold and deal with after the relationship is over.  You will get there.   

[Learning_curve74]

What is your definition of normal? Being the same as you were previously? Hopefully not because that would mean you'd be willing to do it all over again! Wouldn't it be much better to have grown and become a more mature person from the experience?

You are allowed to feel sadness, regardless of how much you've grown. I was listening to some sad song tonight and it reminded me of my ex gf, and it made me cry. But it was just the sadness paying through, I wasn't shattered. I don't feel only the sadness, but I also feel the warmth of the good aspects too.

What good things are going on in your life currently? You know the saying that time flies when you're having fun, right? It's just a personal theory, but I think when we're busy living a full life and creating good memories, these things tend to crowd out the bad memories.

[focus]

This is a great thread.

I'm just shy of 6 months out.

In my case, the first 3 months were living hell, anxiety, weight loss, constant crying, confusion, many of us in this board can relate.

The following 10 weeks things were bad but were moving in the right direction.

The past couple of weeks things have got a lot better.

I have been forcing NC, not responded to her phone calls or texts, deleted my old facebook account and blocked her, her friends and family on my new one (with fake name, just my closest friends and family know of this account). The NC has forced me to look inward, it took time but NC was important so I could do it.

With a lot of self examination, having a good therapist, posting and reading on this site, attending CoDA meetings almost daily, and really examing myself and working on my self, have helped me get to this point.

My divorce came through 12 days ago, so I'm not far out and there's a lot of self work ahead. Loads of it.

I have bad moments, feel bad or sad and still get heartache, anxiety and all but it's far less than it was 5 months ago and shorter.

I'm not going to return to same old me, I'm working on to be a much better person than I was (and old me was a really good person). But I'm going to put myself at no. 1.

[OutOfEgypt]

This is an awesome thread.  I think that's a great way to put it, too:  I would hope we wouldn't consider "normal" to be how we were before, because that means we'd do it all over again.  Great point.

You wind up finding a new normal.  In some ways, you get to face things you never faced before.  In other ways, you have new things to face.  For example, I'm remarried, now.  I would like to think that years of therapy and being away from a BPD person would fix everything, but I'm learning, in my new relationship, how resistant I am toward certain behaviors because of my past marriage with a BPD person.  For example, I can be highly suspicious of anything that appears to be manipulative or controlling behavior or anything that can be perceived as unnecessarily dramatic .  Even thought *all* people can behave in ways that can be perceived in these ways, I have zero tolerance for those things.  I'm learning to become more tolerant, but it is scary.  My fear is allowing a person to consume and bulldoze me all over again.  But is my fear rational in this case?  No, because my wife is not my ex-wife.  Not even close.  So, you can see that even when you are "over" your ex, there's still always new things to work through that you didn't even realize.  A new relationship has a way of bringing all of those wonderful (cough) things out of you.

It's a journey, out of the house of slavery.  There will be times when you want to grumble.  There will be times when you think, "I've been just led out here to die.  It was better back in slavery, back in bondage."  There will be times when you feel like you've already reached the promised land, only to then get hit squarely in the face with the plain truth that you have much more to work through.  But this is life.  If we can get to the point where we can accept that life is full of it's share of adversity and tragedy and that these people and events can be things that are part of the tapestry of our lives, rather than the ENTIRE tapestry we make them out to be, then we will not be afraid of how these major bumps in the road send ripples throughout the rest of our lives in some way.  It's part of life.  Better to be trudging toward the promised land than running back to Egypt, no matter what state we find ourselves in presently.

[OutOfEgypt]

A big difficulty everyone has with people with BPD is being stuck on them in some way.  We're either stuck on them because we want them back, or we're stuck on them because we desperately and angrily want to eradicate every memory from our minds, every feeling from our bones, and every situation where we even have to deal with them, much less look at them.  And because of that, they take up a huge amount of our headspace and emotional energy.

But it's not just with us, the people who leave relationships with BPD people.  I didn't fully understand this until after I left the relationship with my BPD ex.  As I started to reconnect with people I had lost contact with, I noticed a pattern:  everyone wants to talk to me about her.  They want to know about what happened, what I think now, what it's like now, how I'm doing, etc.  And that's just outsiders.  Then there are people who have been closer, such as my parents.  They want to talk about her a lot, too.  I didn't realize how badly they were hurt by my ex and how she consumed me and our children and divided us from them as she demanded total allegiance and made my parents out to look like the bad guys.  This is serious stuff.

Even with my new wife, I noticed that she hates how consumed I can still sometimes get by things related to my ex-wife (not about missing her but about the latest drama with the shared children or the upcoming court case).  But I even see that my new wife brings my ex into things even when I don't, even when my ex wasn't even on my radar.  I've pointed this out to her a few times, and she sees it.  It's like a disease that spreads out from these people and touches anyone who gets close enough.  Suddenly, everyone infected becomes consumed with these people, too, even if out of hatred.  Suddenly, everyone is focused on these people.  And I think these BPD people want that.

My therapist put it this way.  If life is like running a race around a track, we are all trying to run in our own lanes.  If we are lucky, we get a partner who will run next to us in their own lane.  Sometimes, other people might try to elbow us out of our lane or pull on our shirt, and that makes it hard but we keep running.  BPD people, however, aren't even running the race, themselves.  They are standing in the middle of the track, setting off explosions.  Their goal is not to run their race but to get everyone else distracted and focused on their behavior.  As we take our eyes off the lane ahead of us and constantly put it onto the BPD person, we wind up bumping and crashing into other people.  They get sucked in and start looking over there, at the explosions, too.  And pretty soon, nobody is running because we're all looking at, and talking about, the explosions and bonfire set by the BPD person.

It's hard, but a lot of the healing has to do with balancing between accepting things while not feeding your (and everyone else's) addiction of this person.  The more you try to force them out, the more you wind up thinking about them.  So healing involves time plus a lot of acceptance.  But it also involves knowing when its time to process something and when it's time to stop talking about them, when it's time to let it go.  This is hard when everyone else wants to talk about it, too, which is where you wind up having to take the lead a bit.  You have to be the one that says, "Things are hard, yes, but I don't really have an interest in talking about it right now."

That will be a lot of your healing, depending how long you were with this BPD person and how involved they became in other relationships in your life.  This is where taking charge of your own life is good and important.  It's not that you have to pretend that they never existed.  You can accept that this was one chapter of your life, but you can also refuse to let it become the whole book.

[SWLSR]

This is such a good thread.  I dont know the answer to the question because four and one half years removed nothing is ever been the same.   But I can tell you out of Egypt is correct   I do want to erase her out.  Where as she was the one who wanted out of the marriage and I didnt now she wants to be friends and I dont.  I also have children have recentcly remarried and am facing the challanges of how to do that.

[willtimeheal]

I do have a lot of good in my life. I am lucky. I reconnected with friends and family and pushed myself in directions I never would have if I was still with my exBPD. I have grown and I am stronger. I agree that going back to who I was isn't the answer. I like who I am now and who I am becoming. I will be honest... .I do want to forget the whole relationship. I want it blocked out. I don't want to remember the good or the bad. I just want me back. I want the pain to just not be there.  I just don't want to have to work so hard everyday. It's been three years I have been in therapy. Two since we were still together and a little over a hear since I left. I see her life and it looks so happy... .I see mine and I know I am struggling. I know it gets better... .but man it's hard!  Thank you everyone who responded. Keep up the good fight!  We are worth it!

[willtimeheal]

So I continue to ask myself the question... .Will I ever be normal again?  I met someone and we went out a few times. It was nice and I enjoyed their company. All of a sudden they started saying they have fallen for me.  They also asked when will i see you again? My exBPD used to always say that, "when will I see you again?"  As soon as I heard that my stomach turned. I reminded me of all the controlling and jealous behavior she displayed. I don't ever want to go back to that. And who is to say this person is like that?  Maybe it was just an innocent question. But my it made me ill. Also how can someone fall for someone after four dates. That's how it was with my exBPD. I don't like the way it feels. I ran for the hills from this person. Is this what my life is now like?  Am I so damaged from the exBPD that I can't have a normal relationship? 

[Joem678]

I want to be healthy emotionally.  I'm in NC for now.  But I have four kids with her. The youngest is 6.  We will have to talk one day.  Right now, I do dread that day. 

[willtimeheal]

I do think I am healthy emotionally. This thing is... .I have spent the last 14 months working on myself and becoming this independent person... .I love it. Now whenever someone tries to invade that independence I get scared. So am I healthy or damaged?  This new person said I was damaged from my past. Honestly I resent that they said that and it just makes me feel that walking away was the best choice. I am not damaged because  of my past I am smarter and stronger and I know what I want. Is that normal or at  they right am I damaged? 

[OutOfEgypt]

Are you healthy or damaged?  Probably both.  But that doesn't mean you can't have a "normal" life.  There are a lot of things I still feel "invaded" by with my new wife, but time and therapy helps.  Plus, she has things like that, too.  As one therapist put it, "All of us are walking-wounded."  Nobody survives into adulthood without wounds relating to emotional closeness.  Nobody.  I think it is too black-and-white to say it is either or.

But don't just assume that your -ometer is going off for no reason with these new dating prospects.  I could tell almost immediately when someone was no good for me or when there was something "off" about them.  That doesn't make you unhealthy.  I might just make you wiser than you were before.

[willtimeheal]

 Thank you Egypt. I am probably both. The one thing I have learned Rom this whole BPD experience is to trust my gut. My gut says this is not right so I am walking.

I wonder if maybe I am meant to go thru life alone. Alone in the sense without a partner. I have  Great family and friends. Maybe I need to start look ing at that and realizing maybe that is enough.

[Learning_curve74]

No offense willtimeheal, but I sense some distorted thinking from the last couple of your posts. There is a difference between feeling like you're going to be alone for the rest of your life and actually being alone the rest of your life. While all feelings are authentic, feelings are not facts. It may feel like life is over when we lose a child or a spouse/partner, yet life goes on. How might you reframe your thoughts about this?

Also, while I believe in the power of noticing "red flags", I don't believe in over generalizing either as that is also distorted thinking. On occasion, I may cut off a friend on the phone which they might perceive as my disinterest, however in general is because I'm busy at work and haven't got the time for a conversation. Now if it was a pattern of red flags, such as cutting off conversations abruptly, saying I'll meet up yet always no showing, never initiating contact, etc then it's a matter of weighing a pattern of evidence not one or two isolated incidents.

Have you ever tried counseling or therapy? We don't always have effective tools to work through some of our feelings and ways of thinking, and counseling/therapy can help give us these tools. This can be especially important in the aftermath of an abusive or unhealthy relationship. We don't take it for granted that soldiers with PTSD need help, yet in general many people think we should " just get over it" when it comes to traumatic unhealthy relationships. Best wishes to you! 

[Beacher]

This is a great thread. I'm only a few weeks since he left and am pretty sure I will,continue grieving for quite some time, I do worry constantly about him. Even after everything he has done. He threatened suicide several,times during our marriage and know he did try incredibly hard to work on himself with therapy and meds and I feel a certain amount of guilt about that. He has frequently said " I've tried everything for,you and it's never enough". Sometimes I think that's true. But it is what it is and at 55 I can't keep waiting for the miracle to happen. I pray for him and hope he finds a site or help,like we have in each other here  to get through.

[willtimeheal]

No offense willtimeheal, but I sense some distorted thinking from the last couple of your posts. There is a difference between feeling like you're going to be alone for the rest of your life and actually being alone the rest of your life. While all feelings are authentic, feelings are not facts. It may feel like life is over when we lose a child or a spouse/partner, yet life goes on. How might you reframe your thoughts about this?

Also, while I believe in the power of noticing "red flags", I don't believe in over generalizing either as that is also distorted thinking. On occasion, I may cut off a friend on the phone which they might perceive as my disinterest, however in general is because I'm busy at work and haven't got the time for a conversation. Now if it was a pattern of red flags, such as cutting off conversations abruptly, saying I'll meet up yet always no showing, never initiating contact, etc then it's a matter of weighing a pattern of evidence not one or two isolated incidents.

Have you ever tried counseling or therapy? We don't always have effective tools to work through some of our feelings and ways of thinking, and counseling/therapy can help give us these tools. This can be especially important in the aftermath of an abusive or unhealthy relationship. We don't take it for granted that soldiers with PTSD need help, yet in general many people think we should " just get over it" when it comes to traumatic unhealthy relationships. Best wishes to you! 

Learning thank you for your response. I have been in therapy due to my BPD relationship for close to three years now. In that time I have become stronger and wiser and I have learned to trust my intuition.  I will agree that life goes on and I do feel that I have done a great job moving on with my life. I do have bad days still and today is one of those days. I understand feelings are not facts and I have the power to change them. Just having a low day and venting.

But one thing I do know  is that my gut is right to walk  from this new relationship. It is too much too soon and the over bearing and smothering just feel "off."  Maybe it's not a pattern but it's behavior that makes me uncomfortable and I have been dating for a bit and others have not made me feel this way. I am strong enough to trust my gut. 

Thank you for your response. Every response helps me see things from different angles and grow and for that I am grateful.

[C.Stein]

But one thing I do know  is that my gut is right to walk  from this new relationship. It is too much too soon and the over bearing and smothering just feel "off."  Maybe it's not a pattern but it's behavior that makes me uncomfortable and I have been dating for a bit and others have not made me feel this way. I am strong enough to trust my gut. 

Perhaps you should ask her about it?  Even if it goes nowhere both you and her might learn something?