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Author Topic: "Do you think it's easy for me to have such a useless girlfriend?"  (Read 526 times)
misuniadziubek
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Semi-long distance relationship living apart.
Posts: 383


« on: November 16, 2015, 10:40:48 AM »

I had a falling out with my BPDBf's roommate a few weeks back where she paid me for an essay that didn't get done and I paid her back the money, but she has since made it clear to my boyfriend that I am unwelcome in the house they share, deleted me off social media and generally hates me with a passion.

My relationship with my boyfriend so far has been stable (daily chats and phone calls) despite these experiences and I've been focusing on making my own life better, but we've lost our weekends together and just the sight of my car would start a fight between them, so he refuses to confront the issue or change anything. He also technically is taking her side. I made a series of terrible decisions and these are the consequences.

I came up to see him last Thursday for the day as his roomie goes to work at 4:30 am and doesn't come home until 5pm. He was up cleaning until 4am and then slept until 2pm so it kind of blatantly 'sucked'. He woke up, we hung out and then we left at 5pm to go see his friends at his other job.

Bringing up the roommmate situation is bound to lead him to completely dysregulate into 'you did this. you f**ed this up. You messed up our relationship. Don't blame ANYONE else! I'm not going to mess up my relationship with my roommate just because you couldn't get your sh** together." and so on.

But then the unfortunate part is that he also went into how he can't ever say anything positive about me to other people. I haven't gotten an education, I still live with my parents, I'm unemployed with no ambition. Do I not realise how difficult it is to talk about me to any of his friends and claim there is anything positive about me when I am so utterly 'useless'.

He's exaggerating. I know that. But this morning I had a dream that summed up his issues with me. And that left me feeling pretty derailed. I have pretty bad anxiety and am really high into student debt, as well as on unemployment.

His culture's definition of success is being financially independent and not living at home. My current version of success is managing my mental issues like anxiety and not spending my day in bed depressed and eating well enough to have energy the entire day.

He's also wrong. Because when he isn't saying things like that, he is telling me how I am a stable part of his life and make him feel really happy in my presence and that he appreciates how rational I am when he can't be.

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Notwendy
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« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2015, 02:40:46 PM »

My first thought in response to your thread title was

" is it easy for you to have a boyfriend who says these things to you?"


This is the staying board and everyone here has chosen to stay with their partner. You have the choice to stay,  but does this mean you have to tolerate it when he says mean things to you? Even if you don't think he means it, and he says other nice things ( I think we have all heard both from our SO's)- but what is your response when he does say these things.

You are in a difficult position because of the distance. Basically, when you visit, there is nowhere else to go. Some of us have choices- we can walk out for a few minutes or something to stop engaging in verbally cruel conversations.

I did have this boundary with my mother. If she became verbally abusive, I simply packed up my bag and walked out. Eventually she stopped. I do live quite a distance. Once this meant I went to the airport early and sat there for a few hours till my plane. Or sometimes I drive.

You can't control what he says, but in the face of being insulted, you can decide not to listen to it.

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Daniell85
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Posts: 737


« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2015, 02:48:07 PM »

What is his culture? I don't recall you saying what it was before. It can have a strong effect on effect on how people act.
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unicorn2014
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2574



« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2015, 04:14:46 PM »

I am sorry he's treating you like this.

As the other poster said this is the staying board, which means we're improving our relationship with a borderline partner.

I hope you don't mind my asking what do you think could be done to improve the relationship?
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misuniadziubek
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Relationship status: Semi-long distance relationship living apart.
Posts: 383


« Reply #4 on: November 16, 2015, 04:24:44 PM »

What is his culture? I don't recall you saying what it was before. It can have a strong effect on effect on how people act.

I'm not sure. American culture?

I'm a first generation immigrant from Eastern Europe.

He grew up in a small town 30 miles away from a big city. 9 times out 10 his friends would move out at 18 or once graduating highschool. Parents generally dont support their kids in any way past 18 or 19. Some went to technical schools, some went to community college, some got pregnant with a baby or two,  but they would usually get a job and their own place with a couple roommates or the person they were dating at the time. He left his mom's house at 17 right after graduation due to issues with privacy and boundaries. He's been homeless at times, living out of a 600 dollar car.  His most recent ex-gf moved out at 19 and into an apartment with a boyfriend and when they broke up, moved in with my BPDbf until he decided that she was too immature, inexperienced, and a generally useless person, though she did have a job at Walmart, and he moved out.  He then started dating me.

Me on the other hand, I went off to university abroad in Europe and lived there for 6 years on my own, while racking up a lot of debt. I quit eventually and moved back to Canada to my parents house. In my culture it's quite normal for kids to live at home after 18. Both my cousins lived at home until 28/29 while saving up money/educating themselves/furthering their career until they bought a house and got married. The earliest ages people leave are 24/25 if the get married or finish an advanced degree or if there's a severe rift in their family.

I'm in severe debt from school and still paying off my car. Currently nearing the end of my unemployment and considering what I will do  next. I've been proposed by a counselor that perhaps I should go on disability due to my mental health problems. I've had to enact some boundaries with my parents in terms of privacy, but living at home isn't that bad. Nonetheless after 6 years living by myself, it wasn't the easiest transition, but my priority is really my mental and physical health rather than complete independence. That sort of thing will naturally happen once I'm back on my feet.
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Daniell85
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« Reply #5 on: November 16, 2015, 05:35:15 PM »

The mental health stuff. I have had a terrible struggle with a panic disorder.

I am American. My younger brother lived at home until he was 24, moved out for a few years while married, then moved home after divorce. He bought the family home after my step dad died.

I was not able to start getting a grip on the anxiety- which did keep me in bed at times, and occasionally I take days off and stay in my rooms. I have the top floor of my house. Attic conversion, really, with 6 rooms. Mom and everyone else runs in and out on the lower floors.

One thing I have come to understand is you need to get stable with yourself above all other things. I had to look at a very hard truth the last few months. My relationship with my boyfriend was putting  me over the edge on panic and anxiety attacks. Literally it has been destroying my life.

Examining your own self, if you take the boyfriend troubles out of your life... what do you have then? What would happen if you felt ok about him?
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misuniadziubek
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Semi-long distance relationship living apart.
Posts: 383


« Reply #6 on: November 16, 2015, 08:05:03 PM »

The mental health stuff. I have had a terrible struggle with a panic disorder.

I am American. My younger brother lived at home until he was 24, moved out for a few years while married, then moved home after divorce. He bought the family home after my step dad died.

I was not able to start getting a grip on the anxiety- which did keep me in bed at times, and occasionally I take days off and stay in my rooms. I have the top floor of my house. Attic conversion, really, with 6 rooms. Mom and everyone else runs in and out on the lower floors.

One thing I have come to understand is you need to get stable with yourself above all other things. I had to look at a very hard truth the last few months. My relationship with my boyfriend was putting  me over the edge on panic and anxiety attacks. Literally it has been destroying my life.

Examining your own self, if you take the boyfriend troubles out of your life... what do you have then? What would happen if you felt ok about him?

Honestly, I do feel okay about him. These words: Yeah, they hurt, but they don't really change anything.

He used to trigger my anxiety, way back when, in the first year of our relationship. But then I started creating boundaries and holding my ground and things changed about him. If he wasn't in my life, then I would have one thing less that makes me happy. 9 out of 10 conversations with him are pretty positive, but then there are conversations such as this and they trigger something else. Shame?

It's only significant because I have often had the same sort of environment at home. My dad once said, 'I respect your boyfriend, but I don't understand why he'd want to be with a loser such as yourself." I believe I was working two jobs at the time.

Nowadays there is little anxiety. Some anger at times, but I am usually calm and happy around him. I haven't considered whether I should stay in at least a month.
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Daniell85
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Posts: 737


« Reply #7 on: November 17, 2015, 05:17:39 AM »

Then it sounds like it would be beneficial for you to do as you are already doing, stabilizing your life so you can build on that.

People calling you a loser is pretty harsh.   
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misuniadziubek
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Semi-long distance relationship living apart.
Posts: 383


« Reply #8 on: November 17, 2015, 01:14:54 PM »

My first thought in response to your thread title was

" is it easy for you to have a boyfriend who says these things to you?"

This has reverberated in my mind countless times since I've read it. And it's true. These sorts of conversations are difficult and frankly, kind of detrimental, but I've put up with it. A part of me is comforted by the fact that they don't happen as often anymore and that when they do, it's rare that I take it to heart and have that automatic bullsh*t-ometer highly tuned. But sometimes they do pass through more easily and I don't go straight to enacting boundaries on that sort of behaviour. It has everything to do with it being a hairline trigger for the intrinsic reactions I had as a kid when I would hear one and the same from either of my parents.

There is absolutely meaning to this. Because rationally, I know that sometimes he feels misery over the situation, the distance, the lack of a constant companion, and I know better than anyone that he appreciates having me in his life. His brain, his emotions, they never turn off. He's always fighting a battle and worrying about something or other.

The more of these situations that come up, the more I start to focus on my own behaviour and limits. Whether I'm doing everything I can for myself to tune my reactions and take care of myself and my own emotions.

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