|
Lonely_Astro
|
 |
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2015, 05:13:48 PM » |
|
Welcome to the board
All of us here can speak from experience about how hurtful and toxic these relationships can be. Some of us more so than others. I can tell you that what you have experienced with your gf has been a lot of what I experienced with my pwBPD (she is diagnosed). What is important is that you stay grounded during this time and don't get enveloped into the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) of the relationship.
I was in a r/s for a few months with Jane 4 years ago. It ended horrible and we were NC for 3 years. When it broke down, I was a complete wreck. She literally at the time was the love of my life. I didn't know how I was going to move forward without her. I was going through a tough time in my life and she made me feel comfortable, happy, and was the answer to everything. Suddenly, she was gone. At the time I had never heard of BPD and she was undiagnosed. We attempted friendship after that (it was brief) and thats when she told me she had been diagnosed as BPD. Ultimately I grew tired of her drama (even as a friend) and I went NC.
3 years later, with NC on a personal level (we worked together and still do), we began to talk again. She seemed so well regulated and 'normal'. She had moved on and was married. I was jealous because I wanted to know how he had done it. Most days, she wasn't really on my mind, but it was a passing thought I had from time to time. Anyway, we started talking on a personal level and became friends. I had found my place in a tough time again and I confided in her. Things changed (over time) until we were involved in a romantic relationship again (she was divorcing her husband, therefore he hadn't found a magic formula. But, at the time, she claimed he was mentally/physically abusive. This had been verified by others, so I do believe that). Things were different than they were 3 years prior... .at first.
We had a r/s for about a year. This past year has been a crazy rollercoaster that I didn't realize was so crazy until now because I was in FOG. Mine, like yours, was a serial cheater but did a great job of hiding it. I found out about a guy she had been dating for almost a month in July. She, of course, blamed me for the cheating because I had snapped at her (the first time in almost a year that I had heatedly disagreed with her - in case you were wondering it was because she had pointed out a former lover to me who consequently she had been sleeping with the first time we were in a r/s and I lost my cool - Nick is an entirely different subject. It wasn't merely me snapping because she pointed him out. Nick is her 'go to' physical fix, I have determined.). Her behavior for the month of July was much the same that yours behaved (pushed me away, wouldn't answer calls/text, etc). She had found a new supply, which was why, even though she gave me various excuses (aka lies) about why she wasn't available at the time. Keep in mind as well that she was still divorcing her husband (they have no kids, yet the divorce has been going on for over a year. I just randomly happened to be in her department at work when she was served divorce papers... .that was October 23rd of this year - yep, she's been lying about that as well. That, like Nick, is a story all it's own.)
After it broke down in July, she did the same thing in early August about being sorry that yours did. I reluctantly accepted her back because I was determined to make it work. She told me she was going to start DBT because she didn't want to lose me and was so ashamed of herself for doing what she did. It was in mid/late September she actually started. It made everything that much worse. I'm still not sure if it was DBT, me, her estranged husband, mom, grandmother (who recently was diagnosed with a terminal illness) or all the above that contributed to her leaving this round, but it has happened. The r/s literally just ended without any form of closure. She said the same things yours did, essentially toward the end. She says she loves me and wants to be with me but her actions are completely the opposite. She's back to the behavior she showed in July, so I feel she's found a fresh supply and has pushed me to the side because the new guy (or recycled flame) makes her feel good. But, that will not last, even if she thinks it will. Not with her being in her current state. Perhaps DBT will help (if she's still going and stays with it).
My point in writing all this to you is that it may not seem like it now, but it is a blessing that you don't want to chase her. There will be days that it is going to hurt, yes. You want some sense of closure to it, but you won't get it from her. They can't bring closure to you, only you can find it yourself. How I moved past her 4 years ago was I one day woke up and realized I didn't need closure to move on. Just like that, one summer day, I had moved on from Jane. She still occupied space in my heart because of how close I felt to her. That was an illusion, really and thats why it had hurt so bad - it was so perfect but it wasn't real, it was an illusion. This time around, I have been more angry than anything with her because she simply won't say goodbye. I know it's because I've lost sight in the fact that she can't say goodbye. Trying to have a meaningful emotional conversation with her is like showing a 3 year old the Matrix and then asking them for a detailed review of the movie. It's just not going to happen.
A friend of mine told me today that Jane had confided in her some about our r/s recently. She told me that Jane felt like I made her feel like an inferior person. In some ways, I'm sure that I did, even if it wasn't intentional. I can never convince her of the loving, intelligent, beautiful woman I know her to be. I'm sure there were times that I pushed her to be that image, but mostly what I believe was the 'downfall' was that I made it clear to Jane that I would hold her accountable for her treatment and actions toward me, disordered or not. This was something we discussed ad nauseam when we were talking about giving a romantic r/s another go. She was very lucid back then and agreed to all of that. We discussed boundaries as well. In the end, it proved to be just words and not actions, as when the time came for me to hold her accountable she would rage at me over it (get angry and tell me how I was persecuting her for her 'past' or give me ST, say I didn't trust her, etc). In the end, when she found out that she couldn't control me or that I wasn't going to be her puppy dog that ran back, thats when she decided to fully paint me black and leave. One of the last things she said to me (after she had approached me about meeting me to talk, which I agreed to) was that I talked to her and treated her like a child (by the way, we never met for the talk as she stood me up). My instant thought (for better or worse) was "if you didn't act like one, I wouldn't treat you like one."
Keep in mind, that was after about 4-5 weeks of her pushing/pulling me (leave me alone but don't leave me). She was telling me how much she loved me and what I meant to her but that she just couldn't be who I needed her to be right now and really (crazy) behavior/thought patterns like "you can either ride out the storm with me or leave, it's your choice" all the while isolating, dehumanizing, and punishing me; "wait you're leaving?" (aka I knew you wanted out and would leave this whole time); "I love you and will make this up to you I promise" (aka don't leave me, but in the mean time I have carte blanche to do/treat you however and if you love me you'll show me that by staying. If you leave, it means you didn't love me and I was right all along). It was that sort of pattern that made me fully realize that I was done with the r/s and wasn't going to try to make it work any longer for my own sanity. You simply cannot apply logic, 'normal' emotional response, or appeal to their empathy (they lack it) during times of dysregulation.
I did try, of course, to do the best I could during the year we were together. It wasn't all bad. There were great times that I will remember bittersweetly. This time around was different than last, up until the very end. But, the result was the same. I had so many experiences that I wanted for us in the future that just aren't going to come to pass. That's tough. I had thought that with medication and DBT, she would be 'better'. Perhaps it is darkest just before dawn, but the sun has just sat on her journey... .it's a long time until dawn.
Each person is different, of course. Its a spectrum disorder (some are worse than others). One thing that is constant though is that in the end, usually the disorder wins and the loved ones lose.
Keep us posted on how you're doing. We are here for you!
|
