Anybody can guess what this is about?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Broke it off with BPD/NPD ex bf after 6 mos of dating over 2 mos ago because of verbal emotional abuse, emotional unavailability lying etc.

I went no contact for a month, then very nicely asked to mail my things back, which he said was no problem, in fact would be happy to do so.

A month goes by... still nothing...

I sent a firm but nice email again requesting my things, with same reply back from him. He knows I'm moving, and going away for holidays, ( included in mail) yet still won't say when he will mail.

I even noted he could send C.O.D. but no effort in to follow through on. I realize this is a control move, but I'm so aggravated at him, I want to just say forget it . Is this passive aggression, and what does he expect to get out of with holding?

Thanks for any insight it's so exhausting!

Oh and after I ask the second time,... through email... he replied back... that I should come visit sometime...   pure craziness! 

[Marshmellow]

Broke it off with BPD/NPD ex bf after 6 mos of dating over 2 mos ago because of verbal emotional abuse, emotional unavailability lying etc.

I went no contact for a month, then very nicely asked to mail my things back, which he said was no problem, in fact would be happy to do so.

A month goes by... still nothing...

I sent a firm but nice email again requesting my things, with same reply back from him. He knows I'm moving, and going away for holidays, ( included in mail) yet still won't say when he will mail.

I even noted he could send C.O.D. but no effort in to follow through on. I realize this is a control move, but I'm so aggravated at him, I want to just say forget it . Is this passive aggression, and what does he expect to get out of with holding?

Thanks for any insight it's so exhausting!

Oh and after I ask the second time,... through email... he replied back... that I should come visit sometime...   pure craziness! 

[Mutt]

Hi Marshmellow,

Oh and after I ask the second time,... through email... he replied back... that I should come visit sometime...  pure craziness!

A pwBPD have disturbed attachment patterns. I don't think that it's passive aggressive, I think it's avoidancy.

Are these valuable things? Are they replaceable?

[guy4caligirl]

It happened to me ,I never got them back , I think also an avoidance and they  only remember what they want to remember .

Simply nothing against you !

[once removed]

i agree with everyone else, and it happened to me as well. i spent a few months at it, and even thought i was making progress.

the exchange of belongings may trigger the sense of abandonment in a pwBPD. its incredibly difficult. i agree that unless (and in some cases even if) these things have major value, write them off. it can hurt to do so, or at least it did for me and hell, id still like a few things back; in the long term it helped get me further to detachment and freedom.

[cosmonaut]

These sorts of things are very hard to understand, because most of us don't experience reality in the way that our ex does.  Once we have become a trigger, and we inevitably become a trigger sooner or later, our partner seeks to distance themselves from that trigger in order to escape the overwhelming emotions involved.  So, they push us away.  They ignore us.  They go silent.  They disappear.  It's a very primitive coping mechanism from people who just don't have any better tools to survive life with such extreme emotions.  I suspect that's why your ex isn't cooperating with you on returning your things - it's just too triggering (which is to say too emotional).

[Should I stay or...]

These sorts of things are very hard to understand, because most of us don't experience reality in the way that our ex does.  Once we have become a trigger, and we inevitably become a trigger sooner or later, our partner seeks to distance themselves from that trigger in order to escape the overwhelming emotions involved.  So, they push us away.  They ignore us.  They go silent.  They disappear.  It's a very primitive coping mechanism from people who just don't have any better tools to survive life with such extreme emotions.  I suspect that's why your ex isn't cooperating with you on returning your things - it's just too triggering (which is to say too emotional).

Cosmo, this rings true... .I had always felt that it was easier for my ex to be out of the relationship then in it! I believed it was possibly due to the emotional consequences that come along with an adult accountability, right?