Struggling with residual pain and forgiveness

[Tangy]

I always thought having the person come to you and apologize and own all of it and tell you that there were an idiot for having done what they did would make me feeling validated and a million times better. It doesn't. So for anyone out ther hoping for that, I can say in my experience it hasn't made anything feel better. I have about 5 extremely lengthy messages from him owning it all... .telling me he wants to go to couples counseling... .how dumb he was to take me for granted... .etc... .

And if you read my most recent post I am in a new relationship... .and he is everything I  wanted ex-BPD to be. There's good chemistry. The only thing that's missing is the danger and the uncertainty... .which lets be honest is a good thing. Just didn't realize how conditioned I've been to it.

Anyway... .since communicated with ex-BPD all of the pain has been brought up again. It doesn't matter all the loving things he said. Just remembering he abandoned me, our wedding plans, our future life plans for this girl from high school... .it still feels like a knife. And I made the mistake yesterday of looking up her Twitter account... .wanted to see how she was handling him breaking up with her... .and sure enough she had a post about how bad it hurts to be dumped... .which was sort of laughable to me because she was with him for three months... .he and I had a long term relationship and were planning a wedding and she just stole him from me. And then I noticed... .oh she follows him (he must have unfollowed her) and I see he has me blocked which kind of hurt my feelings... .but at the same time it might be for him because in his messages he told me he was going to try to not snoop because it will hurt him. But what was so so so upsetting was seeing that she hijacked my identity. Everything that was special between he and I... .all the interests we shared she has now liked and is spamming all over her twitter. For example, she wasn't even vegetarian before and now there's all this stuff about veganism... .which is something he and I shared... .just that she was exactly "my replacement" and she played the role well... .and all I have to do to see his tweets is sign out. He freaking posted a message that only I would understand on our engagement anniversary while they were together about a month before he had contacted me

I mean he broke up with her to try and get back with me... .by it still doesn't make me feel better. He says in all of our messages how special our time was and this that and the other but all his words seems meaningless and I can't believe I loved someone that seriously just has the ability to be the most selfish person in the world.

My new relationship is amazing and I would never ever trade it to go back to that. I've gone back to NC with ex BPD and I know I should not look him up again... .but I'm struggling so much with the pain and sadness that this happened. It's like I have an amazing present and future, but I'm just not sure how someone that loved me could treat me this way. He struggling with splitting while we cohabitated but I feel like he really went off the rails when he moved out in March.

[OnceConfused]

The pain of being dumped for someone else is not easy to forget. And you should NOT forget, but you should FORGIVE.

Forgiveness is for  yourself, it is an act of letting go the residual pain. It does not mean we have to forget and re-engage so that we can go back to the same predicament again.

If your current r.s is good then go with it. Forgive and Forget the old guy and move on. Don't answer his text or email. It was over when he left for the other girl.

It sounds to me you are in a way put the fault on the other girl to steal him from you. She did not steal him from you, he just stole himself from you for the greener grass. She can try but he should have enough moral standards to resist. In short, he is not worthy of your love. MOVE ON. Be in the moment with  your new friend and cultivate that new friendship to a better level. Don't let the old stale water back into your cup.

[Darsha500]

www.youtu.be/Py3T9pNc6Cs

"You cannot stop us, you cannot bring us down, never give up"

"All my will, all my strength, rip it out and start again."

[Reforming]

Hi Tangy,

When the wounds aren't fully healed, and this takes time and work, any contact can be very upsetting, especially when you get efforts at reconciliation.

I think once confused is right. Your temporary replacement didn't steal your ex. He made a choice to be with her, even if he regrets it now. 

Do his words really change anything that's happened? His behaviour; dumping her after dumping you and then trying to reengage now that you're in another relationship speaks volumes

It sounds like you went through a painful time with him and he wounded you deeply. I can relate to this too.

For me, a big part my injury was a sense of disappointment in myself. I chose to love someone who could treat me very cruelly.

I was very angry and hurt at the things she did, but I was also equally angry at myself.

At some level I felt her behaviour was a reflection of my value and it really hurt me

I don't think it's mandatory to forgive someone, though it might be healthier in the long term. We're conditioned to remember pain so that we can avoid it in the future.

But I think forgiving yourself is important. You did the best you could with skills and knowledge that you had.

In the circumstances no contact sounds like a good idea.

Grieving takes time and it's not a linear process and here'll always be setbacks where the scabs gets ripped off and it hurts like hell

It's ok to feel sad… It will pass

Reforming

[Tangy]

Hey everyone... .thanks for the replies.

I have calmed down considerably since that posting. And looking back I was most upset about her being okay with being with him after the fact... .kind of a woman to woman thing I guess... .and then changing her being to be like him... .when I already was that. I was me before I met him. And we clicked because of that mutuality... .whereas she changed.

When I read the message I can see how victimy I sounded I was just beside myself in that moment remembering all the pain. I just don't see how she's not ashamed of herself. I guess I wasn't focusing so much on him because I had already talked to him.

But anyway after this posting I just went straight to him about it because I was a mess. I realized in all of our communications over the past few weeks I was care taking him and giving him closure but I never once got any. So I laid it all out and turned his promised back on him... .and said if you realiEd how much you messed up and that you truly are sorry for putting me through all this pain and that you'll be there for me if I need to talk like you promised then please hear me... .and I said just this once let this message be about me and let me have my selfish moment... .and I just let out all the pain. Not blaming him just asking for closure essentially... .

And he actually responded like a rational adult... .and he comforted me to the best of his ability and he used wise mind dbt principles to tell me as much as he misses me and as hard as it is for him to face it... .he knows he's still not in a place to be the man I deserve. And that he wished me all the happiness with my new guy... .who is amazing. So I finally finally finally got some closure and we are back on good terms but obviously decided not to be friends. So I really can't stress how grateful I am for the tools on this site and all the friendly people that respond. It has been so helpful since August.