Steve ... .now for the definition of Triangulation ... .
This definition I pulled from "Out of the FOG" website
Definition:
Triangulation - Gaining an advantage over perceived rivals by manipulating them into conflicts with each other.
Description:
Some people who suffer from personality disorders, particularly the Cluster B disorders Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder have a tendency to view or judge themselves in terms of how they see themselves in competition with others.
This competitive or "win-lose" attitude occasionally turns malevolent and will lead the person who suffers from the personality disorder to seek ways to sabotage, manipulate or otherwise undermine the position of others whom they see as a potential threat.
One of the ways they can do this is to attempt to steer those they regard as a threat into a confrontation with others. This is a passive-aggressive “Divide and Conquer” approach, as it makes use of a proxy rather than generating a direct conflict with their target.
When it works, the Personality Disordered individual gets a feeling of control, superiority or gratification from gaining control over or lowering the social status of a ‘rival’. This also has the effect of making that person more vulnerable to being more directly controlled by the perpetrator.
Examples of Divide and Conquer:
A woman lies to a friend claiming that another friend doesn't like her.
A parent shows favoritism to one child, creating a rivalry with the others.
A woman flirts with a co-worker in front of her boyfriend.
A boss tells a subordinate that the others don't respect him.
What it feels like:
When you experience Triangulation you may fear what other people might think of you. You may feel humiliated, concerned and self-protective.
You might feel the urge to “clear your name” or “set the record straight”. You might want to confront the people involved or even retaliate. However by doing that, you take the bait. It is sometimes the perpetrator’s hope that you will lose control and act out in anger or fear.
Learning to Cope:
When dealing with a Divide and Conquer attack it's important to remember that only you have control over what you do, not the person who is provoking or baiting you.
As the adage says: "Nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission."
What NOT to do:
Don't believe everything you are told by a person who suffers from a personality disorder. They may just be telling you something false as a means to an end.
Don't react quickly to surprising news. You have the prerogative to think for as long as you want and to react how and when you want.
Don't lose your temper or lose control of your emotions. You can't control other people but you always have control over your own words and actions and that is where you have the most power.
Don't sit still and allow someone to rain down on you insults or criticism in the name of another person. If the room is a painful place to sit, then it is perhaps a good time to go sit in a different room.
Don't make promises, commitments or contracts that will hurt your relationship with people whom you trust, you love, people whose company you enjoy, old friends, and trusted relatives. No-one who truly loves you will want to take healthy, supportive, positive relationships away from you.
What TO do:
Objectively verify anything you are told before acting on it.
Keep in touch with those you love and trust and tell them about any problems or issues you are hiving.
Maintain a healthy balance between family, friends, work and play. You need them all in the right measure to keep a healthy balance.
Politely refuse to engage in Divide and Conquer without starting a fight about it. Remove yourself from a conversation if it is an unhealthy or dysfunctional one.
Maintain your self-control. This is how you keep your power and demonstrate that you are not going to be manipulated like that.
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Skip posted this so credit goes to them ... .
Triangulation is an often misunderstood term on this site. Triangulation as coined by Murray Bowen MD is the “process whereby a two-party relationship that is experiencing tension will naturally involve a third party to reduce tension” (Bobes & Rothman, 2002).
Simply put, when a two-person relationship becomes unstable the individuals will tolerate only a small amount of tension before they involve a third person. The resulting triangle can hold much more tension because the tension can shift around the three relationships.
Bowen's observations are incredible. We all do this. Triangles often help us cope.
Sometimes, however, triangulation can cause more turmoil in the relationship, causing further communication difficulties and conflict. According to Bowen''s Theory, a triangle creates an ‘odd man out,’ which is a very difficult position for individuals to tolerate. Anxiety generated by anticipating or being the odd one out is a huge force in triangles.
In calm periods, two people become comfortably close "insiders" and the third person is an uncomfortable "outsider." If tensions increase, insiders more actively exclude the outsider and/or the outsider may work to get closer to one of the insiders. If the tension is too much for one triangle to contain, it spreads to a series of "interlocking" triangles.
A classic example of triangulation is a mother telling her son that his father is treating her badly, rather than facing her husband directly and resolving the conflict. And while this may initially solve the mothers anxiety, the triangulation may create issues in the relationship between the son and the father where the mother takes sides - in effect, there are now two conflicts being triangulated among the parties.
According to Bowen, these three part relationships (triangles) have at least four possible outcomes which are as follows - 2 are good and 2 are bad:
(1) A stable pair can become destabilized by a third person;
(2) a stable pair can also be destabilized by the removal of the third person (an example would be a child leaving home and no longer available for triangulation);
(3) an unstable pair can be stabilized by the addition of a third person (an example would be a conflictual marriage becoming more harmonious after the birth of a child; and
(4) an unstable pair being stabilized by the removal of a third person (an example would be conflict is reduced by the removal of a third person who takes sides).
The triangulation concept is one of eight parts of Bowen's family systems theory:
www.thebowencenter.org/pages/concepttri.html. Bowen's point is that triangulation is occurring all the time - we are all involved in triangles - some good, some bad.
Getting Out For the purpose of conflict resolution, it's helpful to understand triangulation and to avoid it. Generally speaking, the first step for getting out of the triangle once you are in it is to identify the original source of the tension or problem and deal with it and not get all caught up the additional issues created by the triangulation.
The way to avoid creating triangles is to be self aware and not be lured by the immediate gratification that they offer.
The Karpman Triangle further explained the conflict dynamics that can develop in triangulations. Karpman identified that polarized roles of the participants emerge as one person assumes the role of victim. He also explained that the roles often shift around in time increasing the conflict among the 3 parties. Staying out of the drama generally means not reacting in kind to the polarized view of the victim or embracing the polarized role in which you are cast. Stay centered. Karpman is explained here: Karpman Triangle.
Misconceptions Some members think of "triangulation" as a dysfunctional BPD behavior perpetrated on them by a person with BPD - and why not - this is how we see triangles when we are in them and the '"odd man out" smiley. Seeing it this way is exactly the opposite of what we want to do to end the drama.
Triangles are all around us. This was Bowen's point. And while it is true that some triangulation can be dysfunctional - triangulation is most often functional or benign.
