Stuck in the middle of nowhere

[Depression = 72% of members]

My year long relationship with a BPD ended over a period of five months after the official ending. So this covered 18 months or so. He was playing manipulative games during that five months, we didn't live together but he was trying to seduce me, wanted to be friends but said we could never get back together. When I finally asked what he wanted for us he reverted to a child and said he didn't know but we could never get back together.

He'd always said that if we had an argument the relationship would be over.  I interpret that as control stemming from fear. He had a couple of episodes of disassociation during his game playing,  I assume this was caused by stress.

I finally returned his belongings he'd left at my house two months ago. I have had no contact with him since. I blocked him on Facebook as I found it too painful to see his posts.

So I took the decisive action.

It's not easy. I go up and down. He hooked into my vulnerabilities - I believe this is often the case in BPD relationships. I've gone through despair and confusion. Examined him. Examined me and why I was hooked in. But I still think about him a lot, can't get him out of my head although I know his behaviour was emotionally manipulative and unacceptable. Emotionally I'm still hooked.

I guess the final ending can only be dated from two months ago,  when I returned his stuff. Does anyone have any comments on how long it will take me to work through this and reach indifference?

I'd be grateful to hear about the experiences of other people.

[troisette]

My year long relationship with a BPD ended over a period of five months after the official ending. So this covered 18 months or so. He was playing manipulative games during that five months, we didn't live together but he was trying to seduce me, wanted to be friends but said we could never get back together. When I finally asked what he wanted for us he reverted to a child and said he didn't know but we could never get back together.

He'd always said that if we had an argument the relationship would be over.  I interpret that as control stemming from fear. He had a couple of episodes of disassociation during his game playing,  I assume this was caused by stress.

I finally returned his belongings he'd left at my house two months ago. I have had no contact with him since. I blocked him on Facebook as I found it too painful to see his posts.

So I took the decisive action.

It's not easy. I go up and down. He hooked into my vulnerabilities - I believe this is often the case in BPD relationships. I've gone through despair and confusion. Examined him. Examined me and why I was hooked in. But I still think about him a lot, can't get him out of my head although I know his behaviour was emotionally manipulative and unacceptable. Emotionally I'm still hooked.

I guess the final ending can only be dated from two months ago,  when I returned his stuff. Does anyone have any comments on how long it will take me to work through this and reach indifference?

I'd be grateful to hear about the experiences of other people.

[wwfd1220]

My year long relationship with a BPD ended over a period of five months after the official ending. So this covered 18 months or so. He was playing manipulative games during that five months, we didn't live together but he was trying to seduce me, wanted to be friends but said we could never get back together. When I finally asked what he wanted for us he reverted to a child and said he didn't know but we could never get back together.

He'd always said that if we had an argument the relationship would be over.  I interpret that as control stemming from fear. He had a couple of episodes of disassociation during his game playing,  I assume this was caused by stress.

I finally returned his belongings he'd left at my house two months ago. I have had no contact with him since. I blocked him on Facebook as I found it too painful to see his posts.


I still think about my ex gf who was undiagnosed... .I think about her several times everyday and we have had no contact since july 25... .I have even met a drama free gal that makes me a priority and totally cares about ME! I am not sure what to tell you... .all I know is that that woman still lingers in my mind constantly... .I think it is the good memories because I find myself smiling wen I think of her. I just wish her the best, and hope she somehow, someway gets the help she needs to be happy in life. Just know that you are not the only one! feel free to pm me if you would like. I will do my best to help you with strategies

So I took the decisive action.

It's not easy. I go up and down. He hooked into my vulnerabilities - I believe this is often the case in BPD relationships. I've gone through despair and confusion. Examined him. Examined me and why I was hooked in. But I still think about him a lot, can't get him out of my head although I know his behaviour was emotionally manipulative and unacceptable. Emotionally I'm still hooked.

I guess the final ending can only be dated from two months ago,  when I returned his stuff. Does anyone have any comments on how long it will take me to work through this and reach indifference?

I'd be grateful to hear about the experiences of other people.

[Mutt]

Hi troisette,



I'm sorry to hear that. I can see how confusing and disorientating a relationship with a pwBPD can be, it can feel like an emotional rollercoaster.

He'd always said that if we had an argument the relationship would be over.

That sounds very rigid and inflexible.

It's hard to pin down a time when we reach specific goals, everyone's healing paths are different and everyone are at different stages and heal differently. Indifference is an attainable goal and I think that radical acceptance is another goal that you can reach, but it takes time and I think that the first step to freedom is detachment.

Weeks after a break-up, there is a neuro-chemical reaction in areas of our brains connected to pain and cravings, and is similar to a drug addict going through withdrawals. Many of our members here share similar experiences and we can offer you guidance and support.

PERSPECTIVES: The Biology of Breaking Up - why it hurts [romantic partners]

[Moorwen]

Well, mine lasted 40 days. In that time, i feel like i've seen the world anew. So much cheating, lies, manipulations, stealing. That precious little peace time i held so high in my mind cause in the end, when i went away from it all, wanted to save one good memento out of it, that some things she did were genuine and true. Yet i know they weren't. She had another guy spinning month before i came into equation + with some old friends (it was long distance relationship, but it was true in my heart). I think i'm over it, though i feel some heartache every day. It hasn't passed a lot time though to be sure about it. It will get better, have faith in life. What i found and learned from all this experience is how great person i am, and how much potential i have to love truly and deeply. I don't know if i'll ever find a person that i'll spend my life with but i do know is that i'm worthy of it, and so are you. Keep your chin up, read here, reach out to support and people here will embrace you like they did me. I think i'm healed up most cause of this place which gave me much needed understanding and closure she never had.

Will take time ofc, cause you invested all yourself in that love, but i hope you'll realise that giving away love is never bad, even though we end up alone and hurt later, it wasn't cause we could do more. Try to remember how much supportive, understanding and love you gave. It all says so much about you, and you'll heal. I understood myself much more after this experience cause i never opened my heart so deep before it, and instead of getting torn apart i found new side of myself which i truly respect. I think in a way, most of us here realize that in time, what love and relationships should really be, and that we meet our part of equation rather well. So just keep the good fight, love yourself first and have hope. Will get better in time. Take care.

[Infern0]

My year long relationship with a BPD ended over a period of five months after the official ending. So this covered 18 months or so. He was playing manipulative games during that five months, we didn't live together but he was trying to seduce me, wanted to be friends but said we could never get back together. When I finally asked what he wanted for us he reverted to a child and said he didn't know but we could never get back together.

He'd always said that if we had an argument the relationship would be over.  I interpret that as control stemming from fear. He had a couple of episodes of disassociation during his game playing,  I assume this was caused by stress.

I finally returned his belongings he'd left at my house two months ago. I have had no contact with him since. I blocked him on Facebook as I found it too painful to see his posts.

So I took the decisive action.

It's not easy. I go up and down. He hooked into my vulnerabilities - I believe this is often the case in BPD relationships. I've gone through despair and confusion. Examined him. Examined me and why I was hooked in. But I still think about him a lot, can't get him out of my head although I know his behaviour was emotionally manipulative and unacceptable. Emotionally I'm still hooked.

I guess the final ending can only be dated from two months ago,  when I returned his stuff. Does anyone have any comments on how long it will take me to work through this and reach indifference?

I'd be grateful to hear about the experiences of other people.

He'd always said that if we had an argument the relationship would be over

sounds like he's aware of his splitting.

Two months is not a long time

For me the longest period of NC i have had was around that length of time, and at that stage i'd begun to heal, however at that stage she came back, and i figured i was in a better place but so i gave it another go, foolishly.

One thing to be aware of is always/never statements, most BPD do them

"we can never be together" translated from BPD to english means "we can't be together at the moment"

my ex told me she "hated me" i was the "worst person she'd ever met" "nobody had ever caused her as much pain" and "i will never talk to you again, ever"

none of those statements stuck.

so be wary that recycle attempts are possible.

from my knowledge on the subject full healing takes 6 months plus, although after two months you might start to make good progress soon, it also depends how active you are in your recovery. Do you have good resources avaliable to you?

[Infern0]

also just to add my npd breakup 5 years ago took me about 9 months to be fully recovered and over it.

[troisette]

Thank you all for your replies, they have helped me. The article referred to was very interesting,  and relevant to me.

Thanks again.   

[cloudten]

My year long relationship with a BPD ended over a period of five months after the official ending. So this covered 18 months or so. He was playing manipulative games during that five months, we didn't live together but he was trying to seduce me, wanted to be friends but said we could never get back together. When I finally asked what he wanted for us he reverted to a child and said he didn't know but we could never get back together.

He'd always said that if we had an argument the relationship would be over.  I interpret that as control stemming from fear. He had a couple of episodes of disassociation during his game playing,  I assume this was caused by stress.

I finally returned his belongings he'd left at my house two months ago. I have had no contact with him since. I blocked him on Facebook as I found it too painful to see his posts.

So I took the decisive action.

It's not easy. I go up and down. He hooked into my vulnerabilities - I believe this is often the case in BPD relationships. I've gone through despair and confusion. Examined him. Examined me and why I was hooked in. But I still think about him a lot, can't get him out of my head although I know his behaviour was emotionally manipulative and unacceptable. Emotionally I'm still hooked.

I guess the final ending can only be dated from two months ago,  when I returned his stuff. Does anyone have any comments on how long it will take me to work through this and reach indifference?

I'd be grateful to hear about the experiences of other people.

One thing to be aware of is always/never statements, most BPD do them

"we can never be together" translated from BPD to english means "we can't be together at the moment"

my ex told me she "hated me" i was the "worst person she'd ever met" "nobody had ever caused her as much pain" and "i will never talk to you again, ever"

none of those statements stuck.

so be wary that recycle attempts are possible.

from my knowledge on the subject full healing takes 6 months plus, although after two months you might start to make good progress soon, it also depends how active you are in your recovery. Do you have good resources avaliable to you?

I never thought of them as using always/never statements. I am not sure mine did that... .I'd have to think back. He used more gray area terms like "someday". Toward the end when things got bad he used "forever"... .i was his "forever"... .then he tried to kill me

I will say I am almost 7 weeks NC. I have had a slight setback this week with a triangulation... .but we still remain NC.

I am sort of better... .but I am definitely not out of it... .i haven't woken up and said "yay I am healed!"  I have had a friend on here have that happen at 6 weeks. I think for me it will be quite a bit longer... .maybe years... .I loved him too deep.