Deep sympathy for ex

[MSNYC]

I feel really sorry for my ex. I certainly miss him, and our relationship, but I've also moved on with work (am killing it at work, actually!), have been hanging  a lot with good friends, have a thanksgiving weekend with family lined up, have been doing a lot of good political organizing, reading, even dating. I miss him, but life is "together." I don't think I've shed a tear over us in a month, even though I miss our good times.

Meanwhile, he dropped out of school, quit his job, is doing lots of drugs and boozing, lives with his mom and fights with her constantly, and has cut out lots of friends. He said he cries himself to sleep every night (he does), he wrecked a car recently and got punched by his drug dealer. The last time I saw him he was so nervous and ashamed to see me he kept nervously fidgeting and having trouble looking at me.

Is this codependency that I just want to hug him and tell him it will be okay? I have such a strong urge to make him feel better (even though I know I can't) in spite of knowing we can't be together. There is something so very pitiful about the state he's in that it really pulls at my heartstrings (and he's the introverted type of BPD that doesn't like to flaunt his sorry state in front of me - he is deeply ashamed of himself).

[hashtag_loyal]

Is this codependency that I just want to hug him and tell him it will be okay?

I don't think this is codependency, I just think it is being a decent, caring human being.  Codependency, to me, would be if you still wanted to date him, thought you could "fix him", and felt content knowing that your SO "needed" you.

I have nothing but sympathy for my ex, too. I saw her without "the mask" enough to see just how much deep, emotional pain she has to live with on a daily basis. In fact, I recognized it from my own severe emotional difficulties of many years ago. The self-loathing. Crying yourself to sleep each night. Yup. I've been there and it is hell. In fact, seeing that in her definitely triggered my own codependency, and I stayed in the relationship way too long, thinking I could somehow impart some wisdom from my own past experiences and ultimately "help" her. What did I get for my effort and compassion? I got tagged with an STD on the way out! Kind of serves me right for the arrogance and codependency, though... .

I know it's hard, but you have to realize there is nothing you can do to help him out. You can feel sorry for him if you like, but your pwBPD's life is his responsibility -- and his alone. He may be suffering, but that should not stop you from moving ahead and enjoying your life.

[ShatteredSoul]

I have nothing but sympathy for my ex, too. I saw her without "the mask" enough to see just how much deep, emotional pain she has to live with on a daily basis. In fact, I recognized it from my own severe emotional difficulties of many years ago. The self-loathing. Crying yourself to sleep each night. Yup. I've been there and it is hell. In fact, seeing that in her definitely triggered my own codependency, and I stayed in the relationship way too long, thinking I could somehow impart some wisdom from my own past experiences and ultimately "help" her.

I also have a lot of sympathy for my BPDexgf. I agree 100% that i saw her at her most "highest high" where we planned a life and future together and the love overflowed like a waterfall. Then when i saw her mask off at her "Lowest low" i tried everything in my power to love her more and be with her more and support her more. I use to spend so much of my time hoping that she felt the same way i do right now and feel all the same pain and hurt i am going through now. Then, as a few weeks and months go by i researched BPD more and more and discovered these boards. I now see that this pain i'm going through is my pain and i will have to face it and go through my process in this recovery. The key is my end goal is to recover and get better.  What i learned was everyday of my BPDexgf life is filled with constant pain and suffering since she was a child. I hope she can still feel some kind of emotion and some sort of love for me me. I know the odds are slim to none there.