Why do I feel sorry for my BPD ex ?

[Wingnut]

I cannot seem to rid myself of the feelings I have. If nothing else I feel sorry for my BPD ex... .what can I do to completely move on and rid myself of these feelings?

[MSNYC]

Weird, we both posted about this around the same time:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=286081.0

[hashtag_loyal]

Accepting that there is literally nothing you can do to help your pwBPD get better might help you move on.

[Mutt]

Hi wingnut,

Loss can be very painful. You feel sorry for her when you think about her. What thoughts cross your mind?

[lovenature]

Because you are a caring person that is empathetic towards your ex., something they are incapable of. I know how tough it is wanting to help them with the knowledge you have gained about BPD, unfortunately only they can help themselves; sadly most never get the help they need.

[enlighten me]

As lovenature said you have empathy and compassion. You realise that your ex has a serious problem that cant be fixed and lives her life in an unfulfilling way that no one if given the choice would.

Theres nothing wrong with feeling sorry for them.

[Sunfl0wer]

When trying to examine my role in all of this.

I do feel like there are time I have felt sympathy for persons versus empathy.

I have wondered if this is because my part in this is that I have a strong desire to rescue someone, as in some reality, I am wanting to be rescued myself... .  However, I play out that desire by rescuing another.

I believe while some people paint another person a villian, or persecuter, I have more tendency to paint them a victim.  Hence giving them sympathy.  This functions to give myself or my ego a stronger protector role... .and is another coping mechanism.  It serves as a way for me to stay connected to a "safe" role with the person... .while not fully ready for complete detaching.  It serves as a way for me to "save" my percieved identity with the person... .as losing my identity (such as being a "wife" is in some ways... .a more painful loss than losing the other person.

I am learning to have compassion, without needing to shift the person to any part of the drama triangle.  I am learning to have compassion, more as an equal. 

So I guess what I am getting at... .

I wonder if you feel you have an emotional need to feel sympathetic in some way?  Do you feel it is a way of coping with the loss?

[SummerStorm]

It's completely normal to feel sorry for them. 

I haven't completely forgiven my pwBPD, but I have learned to depersonalize and understand her behaviors.  I can't imagine what it would be like to have BPD.  I have some abandonment issues, low self-esteem, and minor depression, but it has never once occurred to me to cut myself, swallow a bottle of pills, spend all of my money on worthless things, drive like a maniac, etc.  In the weeks after her recent suicide attempt, she told her now ex-boyfriend several times that he shouldn't have called the ambulance and should have just let her die.  I can't imagine what it must be like to feel that way all the time. 

That being said, I'm also incredibly pissed off at the fact that she wrote to me in July and told me that I was a major reason why she had decided to finally get help... .only to then hear from her again three weeks later, after she decided not to get help.

I know mine is the way she is because of some pretty crappy parenting, so I do feel sorry for her because it's not like she could control what happened to her as a child. 

[Creativum]

You're human and you're absolutely "right in the head" to feel sorry for someone you've been close to who suffers from such a tremendously debilitating condition.  I've felt sorry for my ex, but now I'm noticing that it's becoming more like sympathy rather than emotionally connected "sorriness" ... .If that makes sense?  There's no timeline for this transition away from emotional responsiveness to occur, but rest assured it will.  Disconnect, detach, re-assess.  Remember that you can't help someone if you're inside of their head.  You can't fix a flat tire while a car is moving and you're inside of it -- you have to STOP, get OUT, ASSESS, and proceed only if it's SAFE.  In the case of our exes, we can't help do the repair work because it is not safe to do so and never will be.  It requires professional intervention.

Allow yourself to feel for other human beings who suffer.  Allow yourself to feel for your ex who is suffering.  If you feel comfortable doing so, and he or she reaches out for it, offer to find help.  But also allow yourself to transition to a place of safety, emotional and otherwise.  It will come.