My Intro -- The short version

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have lurked, for the most part, on this site for years.  It has helped me sort through the strange FOG that engulfs my relationship with my younger sister.  We were always close growing up... .born only 18 months apart.  Over the years, it became more and more apparent she strayed far from the truth -- it seemed in order to make herself seem more significant to others.  My other sisters and I, after the death of both parents over the years, found her more and more confounding.  She was the executor for my dad's estate... .a thorny one... .but often was a no-show when needed.  She had two children and seemed somewhat settled in a marriage to a man with a great many problems.  She began drinking pretty heavily at about age 19.  She is a full-blown alcohol now. She came to my uncle's funeral quite drunk.

She never finished college (short one class!), reasoning she didn't really need a degree.  She disregarded my parents' sacrifices to send her to school; threw that all away.  She married early, in her early 20s, then divorced, marrying later a neighbor.   When that marriage ended, she took up with another neighbor.  He has supported and enable her for about 15 years now.  She had two kids with her second husband, unplanned both times. She was manipulative and blamed him for her behavior.  She blamed everyone for just about everything she did, including blaming my parents' illnesses and deaths for her never finishing college.  She had many opportunities to finish ... .she ended up a single parent and I later learned how she abused her daughter, physically and emotionally. 

My sisters and I have been NC for about four years now.  Her daughter had a lovely wedding but did not invite her mother or brother... .and was much happier for it.  My sisters and I have built strong relationships with the daughter.  We are pretty much hardened to this situation of NC in order to maintain our own equilibrium but I for one am sometimes sad that it could not have been different.  I told her a few years ago (after she yelled at me for a few hours and blamed me for much of her problems) that if she did not quit drinking, she would lose her family.  Her response:  "So, what if I do keep drinking?"  I guess she hoped to extract some kind of bargain from me.  I told her that without being sober, we could not maintain a real relationship with her.  I have not seen her since. Her lies by then and for the short time later that I spoke with her on the phone became more outrageous.  After 54 years of listening and humoring her, I finally told her she had reached the limits of credibility.  She angrily hung up, and called up the next day crying that she did not want to be part of the family anymore.  My husband heard the message, reported it to me but erased it, to spare me the agony. 

I have abandoned hope of any reconciliation.  I support my niece in keeping her distance.  I even have abandoned the idea that I have let my parents down by not caring further for her, my sister.  Our relationship has challenged every norm I have for what constitutes a good relationship. 

Have any of you embarked on this kind of complete break with a family member some years ago?  Can you share anything with me that would help me shake the last vestige of guilt off my back? 

[Butterscotch]

I have lurked, for the most part, on this site for years.  It has helped me sort through the strange FOG that engulfs my relationship with my younger sister.  We were always close growing up... .born only 18 months apart.  Over the years, it became more and more apparent she strayed far from the truth -- it seemed in order to make herself seem more significant to others.  My other sisters and I, after the death of both parents over the years, found her more and more confounding.  She was the executor for my dad's estate... .a thorny one... .but often was a no-show when needed.  She had two children and seemed somewhat settled in a marriage to a man with a great many problems.  She began drinking pretty heavily at about age 19.  She is a full-blown alcohol now. She came to my uncle's funeral quite drunk.

She never finished college (short one class!), reasoning she didn't really need a degree.  She disregarded my parents' sacrifices to send her to school; threw that all away.  She married early, in her early 20s, then divorced, marrying later a neighbor.   When that marriage ended, she took up with another neighbor.  He has supported and enable her for about 15 years now.  She had two kids with her second husband, unplanned both times. She was manipulative and blamed him for her behavior.  She blamed everyone for just about everything she did, including blaming my parents' illnesses and deaths for her never finishing college.  She had many opportunities to finish ... .she ended up a single parent and I later learned how she abused her daughter, physically and emotionally. 

My sisters and I have been NC for about four years now.  Her daughter had a lovely wedding but did not invite her mother or brother... .and was much happier for it.  My sisters and I have built strong relationships with the daughter.  We are pretty much hardened to this situation of NC in order to maintain our own equilibrium but I for one am sometimes sad that it could not have been different.  I told her a few years ago (after she yelled at me for a few hours and blamed me for much of her problems) that if she did not quit drinking, she would lose her family.  Her response:  "So, what if I do keep drinking?"  I guess she hoped to extract some kind of bargain from me.  I told her that without being sober, we could not maintain a real relationship with her.  I have not seen her since. Her lies by then and for the short time later that I spoke with her on the phone became more outrageous.  After 54 years of listening and humoring her, I finally told her she had reached the limits of credibility.  She angrily hung up, and called up the next day crying that she did not want to be part of the family anymore.  My husband heard the message, reported it to me but erased it, to spare me the agony. 

I have abandoned hope of any reconciliation.  I support my niece in keeping her distance.  I even have abandoned the idea that I have let my parents down by not caring further for her, my sister.  Our relationship has challenged every norm I have for what constitutes a good relationship. 

Have any of you embarked on this kind of complete break with a family member some years ago?  Can you share anything with me that would help me shake the last vestige of guilt off my back? 

[Kwamina]

Hi Butterscotch

BPD is a difficult disorder and it can indeed be very tough dealing with a BPD family-member.

To protect ourselves and preserve our own well-being, it sometimes is necessary to distance ourselves from our loved ones. This doesn't necessarily have to last forever.

It is sad that things are the way they are, I can relate to your feelings. This disorder presents us with quite a harsh reality to have to accept. It is what it is, but even if you accept reality as it is, deep down inside many of us will still have some sadness for what could have been and even a little hope for what still might be.

The situation with your sister is difficult and her alcoholism only complicates things even more. Perhaps she will reach a point that she realizes that there is something wrong with her behavior and will try to work on her issues. Time will tell. There is always hope, important thing for us is that we base our hope in the reality of our past experiences and what we know about BPD.

It is very sad that your sister abused her daughter. That isn't easy for a child to deal with, I'm glad though that she had a lovely wedding and that you and your other sisters have a strong relationship with her.

You say you were always close with your sister growing up. Looking back now, can you perhaps identify early indicators of possible BPD in her that you weren't aware of back then?

How was the relationship between your sister and your parents? Were they close?

Your sister has behavioral issues and also problems with alcohol. You mention how she blames others for the things she does. That's very unfortunate. Do you know if she has ever gotten any help for any of her issues?

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily