New here. Desperate to help my BPD loved one

[teacupfaery]

Hi, I'm a 31 year old woman in love with a 33 year old guy with BPD. We have been involved since I was 15. We lived together fairly consistently for 7 years but I left him 8 years ago. I'm not entirely clear on why it came to that.

We have recently reconnected. After just a couple of conversations we realised we still have feelings for each other. I asked him if I could come home to him and he said yes. He was so happy. We both were.

I moved in with him just under 2 weeks ago. I was in a fairly bad situation in my old home and had no money, so it looked like the only option. I left my partner of 7 years and lost the support of my family by going back to what was reasonably described as an abusive relationship.

But I was so blissfully happy for 11 days. He seemed so happy too. And then a switchover happened. He feels trapped by me and wants his space back. I feel so rejected that I break down emotionally. This makes it worse. We fight. He goes out and I leave the flat and an currently staying with my only other friend in this country (the UK, I'm Irish). I'm in a city a couple of hours away from him and I feel so bad for abandoning him. But I didn't see any choice.

He left me alone and desperately depressed in a house full of tranquilisers. I wasn't safe there. Situation I'd complicated by the chance that I might be pregnant by him. We have been trying for a baby (always at his suggestion) on and off since I was 18. We lost our only pregnancy 9 years ago this week so the timing felt so right.

So yes. We were on the same page, happy together, trying to convince, optimistic about the chances,  on Monday morning. On Monday night he says I am too needy, too hard to live with and he basically rejects me.

I want to stand by him. I want to help him. We are so much alike. I see many BPD traits in myself. I do have an autism diagnosis but am not entirely convinced that that's the whole story.

I desperately want to learn all I can. To be strong in the face of his switchovers and to keep my emotions in check. To gain his trust and show him that I am truly there for him. I don't expect it to be easy but we are so happy so much of the time that I believe it is worth fighting for. I have always loved him and truly believe he is deserving of love.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JQ]

Hello Teacup,

I see this is your first post so let me be the first to welcome you to the group    I know you're going through a lot right now and have mixed thoughts, emotions, feelings. You're confused and frustrated as to where to turn to and what to do. And to add to your stress you think you might be pregnant ... .you certainly have a lot you're dealing with.  I'm glad you found this site ... .there are so many here that have very similar stories as your's and are here to assist you ... .listen to you ... .guide you on your journey to answers. Please read the references to the right of this page and at the top of it as well to help begin your journey. You'll find no one here that will judge you ... .ask what questions you need too in order to help you understand people with BPD, their actions and their behavior. I would also suggest in addition to professional assistance that you start to read books like "I hate you ... .don't leave me", "The Human Magnet Syndrome" and "Stop walking on eggshells" just to name a couple, you might be able to find them in your local library if not certainly online.

You've known your s/o BPD for number of years and you know how their behavior can make no sense and by all account is not logical. As you may or may not know is that BPD is a very serious mental / behavioral illness that happened long before you showed up in the picture even at the age of 15. His behavior, his actions or reactions is not as a result of what you said or didn't say or did or didn't do.

What you have described is classic BPD PUSH/PULL behavior ... .they want you to move in, get married, spend time with them ... .this causes a trigger within them called fear of ENGULFMENT. They feel real or not that they're losing control of the relationship ... .that you're controlling what is going on. So they PUSH you away in order to regain the feeling of maintaining control of themselves & the relationship in order to stay safe or something similar within their fears of their mind. So you move out, you call of the relationship, you start to detach from the BPD ... .this triggers the feelings of "ABANDONMENT" again real or not. So sometimes they do what is perceived as crazy acts to get you back ... .beg you not to leave, beg you not to move out, beg you to keep the marriage date ... .all in an order to not feel abandoned.  So the NON stays, does what they ask and in time they will feel the 'ENGULFMENT" feelings again and the cycle starts all over again. I'm sure with your time with him that you have experienced it. The recycle period of time will constantly grows shorter and shorter ... .as you experienced on the Monday story you shared.

You have some homework Teacup ... .start to read ... .learn ... .and begin your journey. Come back as often as you need too and as often as you WANT too ... .someone will always be here to help you answer a question or point you in the right direction and assist you on your journey ... .keep posting ... .sometimes writing here is like keeping a journal and helps you get some of those thoughts out ... .

JQ

[teacupfaery]

Thank you so much

That all makes so much sense to me.

Update. I came home to my (BPD partner) today. I spent my time away from the situation doing my homework. I had previously been reading up on BPD (the diagnosis happened in the last 2 years so I never knew why he acted the way he did in our previous time together.) I realised on Monday that I did not know enough. I needed a much better plan.

So I'm learning all I can. I made myself a survival guide. Mostly I'm focusing on keeping my emotional response in check and staying calm. My friend is so supportive of my situation. She made me a practical safety plan for the next time he needs space/things get dangerous. I have several local women's aid numbers and am preparing a bug out bag. I now know that removing myself from the situation is the best option for me when I just cannot win.

So, Wednesday night I get home. I note that he has been surviving on vodka and chocolate in my absence. I do not react (his alcohol abuse has always been a huge trigger for me, so not reacting to this is huge progress for me). He is currently being knocked out by a new mood stabiliser we are trying to stick with. So I was impressed that he was able to let me in. But he did. I stayed calm. He went back to sleep and I cooked us dinner. Then he got up, ate with me, and we had a nice peaceful night together. I kept calm and he feels friendly enough. Though still very much out of it, so I'm not sure. I asked him in bed if he still wanted a child. He said of course!

He shows no empathy these days. My journey home was physically so hard and he showed no concern. I'm dealing with this. Staying calm. I cleaned the kitchen. Staying calm. It does feel like living with a giant toddler.

He lovingly berated me for buying the wrong jam, putting his chocolate in the fridge, and accused me of wanting to buy the wrong loo roll. Then he whined about wanting chicken nuggets. I said no. He ate toast. Binge eating is a new thing he is doing. I think it is new med related.

There are ongoing substance abuse concerns here. I am genuinely worried about his physical health. Long term diazapam dependance mostly.

I told him about my research and message board use. He seems happy about that

Still love him. My friend described it as an addiction for me. She's right.

[babyducks]

Hi teapcupfaery,



You probably know now that people with BPD (pwBPD) have intense and difficult to control emotions that wax and wane frequently.   The highs are very high and the lows are crushing.   It's hard to not be swept up in that.

You've made a great first step in coming here and sharing your story.   That's a brave thing to do.   Keep coming and keep posting.   Writing things out will help,  JQ was 100% correct about that.

A couple of thoughts.   I want to share a link with you... .there is a lot on this website to read when you first get started.

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

I'm glad your friend was able to help support you.

I'd like to mention that you might want to be very cautious about sharing information regarding this website with your partner.   Lots of times we arrive here and feel the relief of finally understanding and want to share that with our significant others.   However this space is meant to be a safe place for you to share freely and anonymously without fear of recriminations.   Postings on this site can be triggering/upsetting for a person with BPD.   Your privacy is important.

Let us know how you are doing today okay?

'ducks

[teacupfaery]

Thank you. Yes, I don't intend to share my activities here with my partner. I have told him that I am educating myself all I can and I'm hoping he will see an improvement in my self control around him.

This morning is hard. I tried to ask how he felt about me right now, and to hug him and just seek some reassurance. He accused me of being annoying, overly affectionate and baby -obsessed. He is literally projecting his own traits onto me and being annoyed by them. I don't think he even understands that I might be pregnant already.

Today I need to pick up groceries for us and will spend some time alone out of the house. He is very much overpowered by his new meds right now so I need to do literally everything. And it us so hard and I am concerned about the safety of potential baby. And there is no empathy from him.

I don't mean to sound overly negative but I am scared and trying hard to hold it together.

[babyducks]

hi teacupfaery,

of course you are scared.   you have a lot of big ticket things going on all at once.   it's a lot to deal with.   do you feel comfortable telling us some more about the safety of the potential baby?   can you describe your fears about the pregnancy?   

I'm glad you got out of the house for a little while.   holding on to a routine helps.   having a task to accomplish gives a little stability.

'ducks

[teacupfaery]

':)ucks,

Full disclosure. I have ongoing eating disorder issues. I am currently an acceptable weight but my I have been restricting my eating lately. As a response to the relationship stress mostly. So I need to get that under control. I am eating, just not quite enough.

I also walk way too much and wear myself out. I have always used obsessive exercise as a coping mechanism but now it also serves to get me out of the house. And physically carrying all the groceries for my perpetually hungry partner is physically hard. Then I get home and cook. It is much like caring for a giant toddler.

Things got better last night though. At least one think it's better. He drank (enough to be relaxed and tipsy, not to the ridiculous levels that scare me), and we talked. A lot.

We are currently going with a whole new plan. Backing off on the relationship completely. He is happy for us to live together as 'friends who like each other a lot and might soon be dating '. Slow! So snuggling on the couch watching crime shows and talking together is our new thing. Just hugs and gentle non -intimate touching.

Neither of us has ever had a 'normal' relationship as we are both impulsive and overly desperate for affection. So this is totally new he seems much happier! Feels like actual progress. He says he wants to go on dates and actually start a steady, healthy relationship once he is ready. Initiating the relationship status upgrades has always been important to him.

I'm letting the pregnancy issue sit until I can find out. Another 2 weeks I think. I don't want to mess with our current happy status.

[babyducks]

teapcupfaery,

very good for you to identify that your eating has slipped under the stress of recent events.   good insight.   being self aware is such a hurdle don't you think?

taking some of the pressure of BOTH of you is a good decision.  I am glad to hear it. Your health concerns are a priority.   hopefully you can continue to use this period of calm to rebuild and recover your equilibrium.   you are doing a good job dealing with everything.   I find when there is a lot to deal with I do better with grabbing one simple thing and working on that.   Not trying to fix all my problems at once.   Just dealing with the one thing in front of me at the moment, doing the best I can with it and then moving on to make the next right/best decision I can.

keep posting okay?

'ducks

[teacupfaery]

Thank you I am so grateful for the support here. Today things are pretty good. I was able to take Bear (how I will be referring to my partner from now on) to the nearby supermarket. His first time outside since Tuesday. We ate lunch there and picked up groceries together. He seems a bit less zombified today. New mood stabiliser still needs to be increased (on 100mg now, to be increased to 300mg), so we have a long way to go. But I'm optimistic about how well he's coping.

I'm eating better today and taking it easier. I feel a lot less stress as I *think * that I know where I stand (for now!)

I'm happy that he still lets me share the bed. I do miss the intimacy a lot but I am so happy to give him all the time he needs if it can build a better future for us.

Bear has a son with a previous partner (born during our separation),  and I'm hoping he will feel stable enough to spend more time with his son soon. I am concerned about their relationship. A good short term hope would be for him to be able for a weekend visit soon.

[teacupfaery]

Tonight I am so sad. He says he needs more space. I don't think he wants to live with me anymore. He hasn't been paying the rent.

I love him so much. I wish he wouldn't reject me.

[JQ]

HI Teacup,

I'm sorry to hear your having a rough time tonight ... .remember ... .IT'S NOT YOU!  BPD is a serious behavioral illness that has NOTHING to do with what you did or didn't do tonight or any other night!  Don't be so hard on yourself ... .

You didn't Cause it! YOU can't Control it! YOU can't Cure it!   I can tell you are a very caring and loving person ... .you have to love yourself first ... .you have to take care of yourself first!  Get out for a walk ... .take a half an hour and go for that walk ... .relieve some of that stress.

Then come back ... .take a deep breath ... .things are going to get better Teacup 

JQ

[teacupfaery]

I don't see any fixing this  he would have left tonight if he cared a bit less about me. But it's 1am and I don't know anyone else in this city. I have no money.

I just wish we could work things out. We have so much we would have loved to share together.

[teacupfaery]

Morning now. And I am so scared. I have considered harming myself so I could just lie down with him and hold him while he sleeps. And just imagine that things are happy again one last time. But I can't give up on him. And I cannot use his drugs. The slim possibility of him sticking to his new mood stabiliser is all the hope I can see.

It's weird but while he sleeps I can still pretend things are Ok. I am so much more in control of my emotions than I was.

[babyducks]

hi teacup

Good Morning.   When things feel the blackest we all think dark thoughts,  maybe it's part of the human condition?  Being alone in different city with little money and a partner in the gripes a crisis is frightening.   JQ and I are here pulling for you.   I understand the thought to self harm but on the whole better to not.   It might create that temporary feeling but I think you know that in the long run, it becomes a deep deep hole to climb out of.

Let's try and identify one small thing that you can do to help you today.  Can you call a friend? a family member? just to check in and say hi?   

how does that sound to you?

'ducks

[teacupfaery]

Thanks! I'm Ok. I'm talking to my leeds friend on Facebook. Still in bed with my partner. I think he's starting to wake up. I still feel some hope but I need to figure out how I can move out. I'm scared that he will leave me alone in the flat with no money or means if leaving. I do have food for a couple of days but thats literally it. I guess I could call a shelter if it comes to that.

[babyducks]

   keeping in contact with friends helps boosts our spirits.  It's always good to have a safety plan  in place for when things get tough.  Can you cultivate a local resource to help just in case?

[maxen]

hi teacup.    i'm sorry too to hear of what you're going through. many of us here have been through some dark nights dealing with BPD. it's an irrational disorder and you should try if you can to see to your own well-being. posting here can help! it certainly helped me when i was at my low points too.

how are you feeling this evening?

[teacupfaery]

Good morning. It's Wednesday morning and I'm still living with bear. We are getting along ok, I think. We did something a little reckless on Monday night. I was preparing to leave at that point. I told him I was going to stay with my friend then travel to Ireland once my funds cleared (my ex transferred me money so I could leave if I need to). Bear said he didn't intend to kick me out right away.

We sat and had tea together. And he played a song that has come to mean a lot to me 'cherry wine ' by hozier. He had a bath and invited me to sit with him (his anxiety about intimacy is a huge issue right now so I was very happy to be invited to share this space with him). And we talked. And I know how hard it will be. And I still believe he is worthy of the love I have for him.

Then we got dressed up and went out. We ate together. Sort of a best friend date. We drank together. Then we came home and drank a lot more. He told me a lot of his relationship anxiety was due to fear that I am a threat to his drinking. I told him that he is much more of a threat to my sobriety. And we had so much fun together. We sang and shared our love of music. I believe music bonds us more than drinking.

He was so sweet that night. He said 'please don't hurt me ' and I promised I never will again. And he kissed me gently on the lips, entirely of his own free will. We slept in a drunken heap and yesterday was mostly a hungover blur. But I regret nothing.

I am bound to this guy and will do whatever it takes to help him see that he is still a person and still capable of love. My love for him is a constant.

[babyducks]

how are things today teacup?   I hope you are taking care of yourself too? 

[teacupfaery]

Things are... .Terrifying  On Sunday morning bear told me that his last relationship was much more serious than he had told me. He had the wedding and honeymoon entirely paid for with this lady. And he feels so much guilt

He told me he needed space. That he didn't want a relationship with anyone right now. So I left. Then yesterday I get a message telling me he's going back to her, "to a life of regret", he says. "I pray for a crash or something ". " Letting you go was just another rash decision... .The worst ever ".

I did not want to go  I only did as he said was best for our relationship  

I tried my best to talk him down. He says he will be brave and come back as soon as he can. He just wants to do things right. He promises not to get trapped and to come back to me.

I love him with all my heart