What would I say?

[Eyeamme]

Hi all,

I have been NC from my uBPD daughter for a little over a month now. I can't stop going over in my mind what I will say if she calls me (which probably won't happen unless something she needs me for happens). I keep trying to practice validation in my pretend conversation. Not sure I can validate much other than I know I hurt her when I left for the airport 15 minutes earlier than I was suppose to after she was verbally abusing me. I kissed and hugged her goodbye and we left. She went off on me in text.

I then emailed with her to tell her how much I loved her and the kids and I was at my limit of what I can tolerate. She gave me the standard line "you are always the victim". At this time I didn't know about BPD but I have always been the one to validate her.

After more hateful email that was beyond awful but I have heard before, I told her that we would not be coming for Xmas (we had plane tickets all set). My husband agreed that it was intolerable.

I was then told that I will never be part of her nor her kids life. I was texted horrible stuff so I blocked her (I was at my breaking point after 30 years of this) So, when my sweet 2yo grandsons birthday arrived I sent a gift but did not call. I then was told again that I could never be part of the kids life because I was horrible.

What can you ever do or say that is validating when all that comes out of her mouth is attacks and the only way to repair it it to agree with her?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Validation is not the same as agreeing with them.  What we validate are the emotions behind the words.  You could "agree" that she feels angry, sad, depressed, hopeless, victimized. It is not necessary to agree with what she believes is the cause of those feelings or who is responsible for those feelings. Feelings are not wrong... .they just are.

Because people that suffer with BPD and traits of the disorder feel their feelings at such an intensely high level and don't have the skills to cope with these intense emotions they project the responsibility for their feelings onto others (us).  These same intense emotions/feelings override the brains ability to use the reason/logic part of the brain and achieve balance between emotions/logic.  Validation can provide the opportunity to them to achieve some sense of balance because they feel heard and understood... .or not.

Whether our validation of their emotions helps them or not, there is value in validating another person.  It is a basic human desire... .to be heard and understood.  It is a gift from one person to another.  There is an art to validation at the level that our BPD children/adult children need.  If you haven't yet read the book "I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg I encourage you to do so.  Here is a link to the book review and ordering info:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128027.0


While you wait on your copy to arrive or if you choose to forego getting one we also have a great deal of info on validation here on the site.  Videos, articles, and workshops are all here to help you wrap your mind around the importance of validation and how to be an effective, compassionate validator.

If you want the links to the resources I mention here I would be glad to post them for you. 

[Eyeamme]

I have read the validation techniques. I will order the book that you suggested (thank you). This girl is so smart that she is going to call BS on validation if I don't actually say to her. I was wrong and you are right. I tried "I know I hurt your feelings because you thought we barged out and I really apologize for hurting you". She said "I don't THINK you barged out you DID barge out". I didn't argue but where do you go from there? I tried changing the subject and she said "pretend like nothing happened". She then went on to tell me what a loser mother I was. It is like unless I say the words exactly how she wants me too it doesn't work.

Thanks for link. Going to buy it and read.

[lbjnltx]

It seems she is telling you where your validation didn't ring true... .the words "you think" aren't validating.

How would you do it over again if you had the opportunity?

[Eyeamme]

I would say "I am sorry I hurt you"?

J.

[lbjnltx]

That is a nice apology, it doesn't validate her feelings.

What is she feeling?  Hurt.

"I understand why you would feel hurt" or

"Feeling hurt is understandable" or "I can see why you would feel hurt"

Shifting the focus to her feelings is the goal. 

[Eyeamme]

I bought the book. I will practice :--)

[Kate4queen]

My son is super intelligent and would call me out when I tried to validate his feelings in the appropriate manner.

Eventually I settled for saying "I am sorry that you feel that way." Which acknowledged the upset but put the responsibility for the feeling back onto my son.


I have found validating an incredibly useful tool for dealing with my other kids and DH when they talk about the horrors of living with a BPD child/sibling. It helps me not take everything personally and listen to them and acknowledge their feelings matter as well.

[lbjnltx]

The most important person we validate is ourselves.

[Eyeamme]

I am totally valid 

[lbjnltx]

I am totally valid 

Of course you are... .so am I! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mimi99]

I started working on validation and my daughter noticed. Even though it felt stilted, she said she had noticed that I was acknowledging her feelings and thanked me for it.

Here are some examples of our interactions

After we did not tell her about an important family event she texted "I guess I am no longer a part of the "Smith" family" I responded via text  "I'm sorry that the information was not communicated to you. If I were you I would feel upset, too"  She took it well

When child support enforcement came after her she blamed me for not dropping it (I can't--it wasn't me who initiated it) saying that she would go to jail "at the hands of my own mother"

I responded--"I see that you are feeling overwhelmed and beaten down" That one didn't make much of a difference at the time, but later she said she had noticed the effort.

I do not reach out to her unless it is something important, which is never! If she calls I usually do not answer so that she has to text. Texting gives me time to think through a response that is not colored by the feelings that  her "emergencies" bring up in me. I can look at my response and reword it until it feels right. I have stopped telling her that I love her during visits, etc because she usually says something like "Yeah, sure you do" and for the time being, just getting through her supervised visits with our gd without conflict feels like a victory.