Walking away with a guilty broken heart

[cassnyc]

Hi all,

I have been married for three years to a man who began exhibiting scary behaviors on the night of our wedding.  Leading up to our marriage I can retrospectively see some smaller, but still relevant "red flags" but I was too in love to listen closely to what they had to say.  The night we got married, my husband, exploded at me because I asked he not take drugs, refused to talk to me for the rest of the night, and we had to call off the party early to go home and manage the fight.  The following morning, he was apologetic and loving, and I continued to work forward with a hopeful, forgiving heart.  During the three years following this incident he dragged me through a year of heavy cocaine usage (his usage, not mine-- I don't use drugs and never knew this was happening with him until right before we married), a year-long period of idealizing another woman (while hurtful devaluation of me), episodes of intense rage over unexpected triggers (I put weed prevention in the garden without asking and he EXPLODED-- the whole block would have heard his yelling... .I cleaned up his deodorant he dropped/ broke without telling him... .blowing up at me and not talking to me for almost two days because he wanted me to listen to a new song on Youtube without looking at the video... .I looked at the video instead of following his directions exactly as he stated, and he blew up... .not talking to me for an entire day if I was even a minute late picking him up from work... .etc etc etc).  He is an incredibly talented photographer, and I thought that if I nurture this love of his for him (I've worked multiple jobs to afford opening a photography studio for him, invested thousands of dollars in equipment, have surpressed feelings associated with the work he does with nude women in order to avoid conflict... .thinking all of this would help)... .and even when pursuing his dream career (and being successful at it!), he is behaviorally the same.  I have spent SO MUCH TIME trying to hide this behavior from friends and family.  When he's "good," he is SO GOOD.  I love him with all my heart, but have become too hurt and weak to continue living with the lingering question marks as to when he will next explode.  I know he loves me with his whole heart, too.  I am drowning in my own sadness and guilt for walking away from someone who I know is sick.  We've been in couples therapy for almost a year, and our therapist has not seen any of the issues that scare me.  He's gotten his own therapy for anger management.  I've been in therapy for a year now, spending my Saturday mornings crying in my therapist's office over my overwhelming feelings of guilt, fear, uncertainty.  I've lived a double life in which I speak to her about how I know I need to leave this marriage, but then go home and continue to try to make things better. 

A month ago, he exploded at me and I walked out... .in the middle of the night, I walked out.  I have been waiting for the right time (in honesty, I've wished he would hit me or I'd catch him cheating so I felt "justified" in my desire to leave), and he gave it to me.  So I took the opportunity and ran.  For the past month I've been staying with friends in a small NYC apartment, telling him that he needs serious help and he needs to do it for himself now... .that my "help" is not helping, that things are not getting better, and that I am not emotionally safe anymore.  He said he would see a new psychiatrist, take medication if he needs it, start going to church, start exercising, start living a life of gratitude... .but did not make a single actual move towards any of these suggestions he created for himself.  Last week, I stopped by home to talk to him, and he blew up at me again over the most trivial trigger.  We went on to insist I lack all common sense, that our problems are because of me and my decision to stay with friends in the first place, that I need serious help if I ever want to have a successful relationship in my life.  My cousin's 18-year-old son died a day after this explosion, and he did not reach out to me, or contact me at all to offer condolences or ask about how my family was doing.  He was too angry at me to even reach out after a death in the family.  Even when "trying to get me back" he still cannot help himself-- his explosive tendencies are SO STRONG.  His older brothers exhibit the same behaviors.  His dad was physically, emotionally, financially abusive to his mother.  And had many affairs.  I am up against so much... .and this weekend I finally told him I am moving out permanently, that he's given me the information I need to know that we cannot work.

He has lost all control.  He's threatened to hurt himself (I had to call the police), he's been showing up at friends' apartments, calling my family, leaving HORRIBLE out of control messages that alternate between sounding loving and horribly threatening and scary.  I know I cannot return to this marriage, but I feel crippled by feelings of loss, guilt, heartache, confusion... .GUILT most of all.  I love him with everything I have, but just cannot continue to go back into that flame.  I don't know how I'll ever recover from this... .everything is so raw and intense, and all I want to do is go home and hug him.  I haven't spoken to him at all in the past four days since I told him I'm not coming home, and don't know if I will ever even be able to speak to him.  I'm so vulnerable to his persuasion and to my own desire to help him. 

How do people get through this?  How can I ever heal?

[ForeverDad]

Accept that "it is what it is".  This is not caused by you, neither can it be fixed by you.  BPD is a disorder most evident in close relationships. They closer they are, the more the person feels free to vent or let loose.  Does a public face of near normalcy enter into the mix?  Probably.  Does the belief that now you're within his sphere of influence or control enter into the mix?  Probably.  But the key is that you didn't cause it. 

Probably the above reasons are why it got so worse on your wedding day, the relationship was now officially closer and he felt free to let his hair down in private since he saw you as now being in an obligated relationship.

Seriously, if this continues you have every right to seek a restraining or protection order.  Why not prepare yourself for the many legal aspects of handling/unwinding this relationship?  Find a family law attorney who has solid experience with high conflict spouses, (1) a lawyer could write him an official-sounding letter for him to keep his distance and stop contacting you or (2) have the lawyer start a divorce.  But whether you do all those steps or not, be prepared to be permanently blacklisted at some point.

Be fully aware that going back will not fix anything.  He may make promises but you know his issues will overwhelm his dime-a-dozen promises/tears and you'll be right back where you were.  Remember, he had 3 years of marriage with you where he could have improved himself but he didn't.  So don't let him guilt you or make you feel obligated to do anything you know in your gut is wrong.  Going back won't fix anything, it would just be getting back onto the crazy roller coaster.

And finding a counselor experienced with DV is good too.  You need all the support you can find... .(1) trusted friends and family, (2) counselors and probably a lawyer and (3) peer support.  Here with peer support we can share what worked for us and much of that will work for you.  Let us Pay It Forward to you.

All of us here suffered with the other person's poor behaviors, to a greater or lesser extent.  But in time we moved along in recovery.  Recovery is a process, not an event.  However, that first step (leaving/escaping) is the hardest, going forward your subsequent steps won't be nearly so hard nor nearly so fearful.

With information and time you will find you can make more informed and more confident decisions.

[cassnyc]

Thank you so much for your response.  This pain feels and has felt unbearable.  Intellectually and logically, I know that going back to "help" will not only make my life miserable, but that it will also prevent him from getting the help HE needs.  But oh my goodness, on my emotional side (which has a way of overpowering my intellectual side) I feel like such a terrible person for walking away from someone who needs so much.  He needs so much.  Once we officially divorce, he will no longer have health insurance.  I love him so much still.  I feel I am only beginning to understand how long this healing process will be for me. 

And yes, a public face of near normalcy is definitely in the mix-- everyone LOVES him.  He's charismatic, charming, artistic, funny.  Everyone outside of my inner circle will be totally shocked to hear I left... .when in public, we both put on such a good show.  But it's not even a show... .we DO have, or did have, so many authentically happy times together.  Once I walked out, I was able to recognize that many of our happiest times out with friends or on vacation were followed by the most extreme blowouts upon returning home.  For a while I wondered if our apartment was possessed by some kind of bad spirit... .and I'm not a superstitious person. 

He keeps saying things like "for better or for worse-- what a f'ing joke" and how I'm throwing away our future.  The pain is so raw right now. 

Thank you SO MUCH for your support. 

[livednlearned]

Hi cassnyc,

I'm so sorry for the grief and pain you're feeling now. BPD is an awful mental disorder no matter which way you look at it. We are the ones who love them, and it's that same love that triggers our loved ones to be abusive. The way N/BPDx made me feel was actually how he felt about himself, that's how projection works.

In the end, we teach others how we want to be treated. Your husband has learned how badly he can treat you. In your strength, you know you deserve better. You deserve someone who loves you consistently, with whom you can feel safe. He cannot be that man for you, and he cannot see that so he blames you for the failure of the marriage.

If it is any consolation, I felt the same guilt about leaving my husband when he was so clearly ill. He seems to have done some work on himself judging by second-hand reports. I think he had to look around and see the sheer carnage of his life, and recognized he was completely and totally alone. He would never admit any of this to me, and I do not need a confession from him. Sometimes the only way people change is when they see the logical consequences to their abusive behavior.

Hang in there.

LnL

[ForeverDad]

And be aware the person may appear to be better once apart and so you could feel there was improvement.  Maybe, but also maybe not.  How so?  BPD is a disorder most evident the closer you are.  If you're apart then the sense of improvement could be partly an illusion due to the distance.  Go back and the roller coaster could begin once again.  If your spouse hasn't had long term and effective therapy, then real improvement is not very likely.

[cassnyc]

Thank you so much for your responses.  So far, things are still in a state of total crisis.  I received a 15 minute voice message yesterday of him sobbing like I've never heard before... .just total, absolute despair.  Holding true to my course has wavered between feeling heartbreaking to totally impossible.  In his message, he sobbed and sobbed, begging me to see that he's not broken, that he can get the help he needs, that we are meant to grow old together.  He's telling me I'm right about everything, that he needs and will get the help he needs. 

He writes: "I'm taking it all in and allowing it to burn deep into my heart to chase away the demons, and all that destructive energy that I want out of me with my last breath.  I'm looking up in search of help from a higher power if there is any.  I'm so sorry it came to this, and for all of my transgressions.  I understand your fear to come back to this pain, and I don't blame you because I'm the only cause of my demons and allowing them near my family.  Please, I beg of you with all your pain and fears of me to see me for who I really am and to give me your strength as well as your fears and love, to overcome this and be a family again.  My entire human spirit asks for help, I mad you a promise to always cherish you, watch after you, and keep you safe and happy.  I want to be able to do that more than ever.  I feel so bad about everything I've done... .please do this with me to save ourselves and our love.  I am at your complete surrender." 

And then later: "I had a very meaningful conversation with my anger.  It feels strangely peaceful and lonely."

I read and reread everything he's writing to me.  I still haven't spoken to him on the phone or in person since I walked out... .I just respond with short messages telling him I'm still not ready to talk, I'm too weak, and just not ready.  I'm so afraid to talk to him... .partly, I think, because of how much I do LOVE him and how horrifying it is to hear someone so loved in such despair... .and also partly, I think, because of the big part of me that wants to believe him and go back.  Gosh, how do we know if someone is capable of changing?  Its been years of enduring this horrible rollercoaster.  Can someone get a "wake up call" of sorts from their wife walking out?  Is that all it could take?  If I go back, will I just be walking right back into the same pain that's been hurting me for years?  The jump I took in walking out was the scariest leap of my life, and I would be devastated to be back in a position that requires me to go through all of this again down the road.

Can I help him?  I think I already know the answer to that question... .but in the same way that he is feeling horribly abandoned by me, I am feeling like I am abandoning him... .and horrible for doing so.

And that last message about having a meaningful conversation with his anger... .what do you guys think of that?  For some reason, that message scared me.

Thank you.

[KateCat]

cassnyc,

Please be really, really careful. Slow down.

I don't remember if it's Lundy Bancroft in his writings about abusive men, or some other mental health professional, but it is said that nothing is more common than for such a man to 1) say he will change; or, and even more disturbingly, 2) say he has already changed.

The thing I see missing in his powerful plea to you is his plan to change.

Therapy? Medication? Anger management? Drug and alcohol dependency treatment program? Therapeutic separation?

Only he can produce a safety plan. If his plan is to be helped by you, then it is a classic red flag.

[ForeverDad]

Be aware too of the F.O.G. that can easily ensnare us — Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  Any of these three could trip you up into taking the wrong path.  How so?  His claiming he admits problems and saying he will change could make you feel 'obligated' to return or 'guilted' into returning.

Frankly, most of the disordered people described here need years of work ahead of them — if they will do it.  Sadly, many do not, their Denial and Blame-Shifting don't stop.  And we can't have confidence in any claimed or promised 'insight' until many months have passed, perhaps even years, and we see Real Improvement, if it happens.

You are an adult, your spouse is an adult, neither of you are children, age-wise.  He's not responsible for you, you're not responsible for him.  He's a big boy, let him face his consequences.  If he really and truly gets his act together over an extended period of time measured in many months in effective therapy if not much more, then at that point you can decide whether it is safe and wise to resume the relationship.  But until then remember that promises are cheap and can be mirages.

[Duck_Borders]

You my friend are one lucky S.O.B.  (assuming you don't have children with this person). 

This entire forum is filled with thousands of people that are stuck with these extremely damaged people due to children or other factors.  At one point, I too felt it was my destiny to help my beautiful and amazing and wonderful wife with some of her "issues".  I felt if I stayed strong I could overcome her punching me and spitting in my face and so on and so on. 

Then she accused me of child molestation and told the courts she fears for her life from me (I've never really hit another person in my life, let alone a woman). 

If I could go back to a time when I did not have these unbreakable ties to her (my son), I would run fast and run far from this deranged person.  I would never speak to her again.  I love my son very much and feel terrible saying this, but she is not only torturing me, but torturing him as well, and the courts are helping her. 

You do not owe this man anything.  You will never be able to help him.  He is a lost soul.  Every therapist I've talked to says people with these personality disorders very very rarely get better.  Like 1 in 5000... .  Those are not good odds. 

Walk away now and do your best to never speak to him again.  I can pretty much guarantee the next relationship you have will be soo much better because you'll be very familiar with the red flags of mental illness.  You can still walk away from this whole, you will rebound into a better version of your old self.  Please for the love of non-existent god, get away. 

Sorry to be harsh - but I just read a motion to my judge stating how physically and emotionally abusive I am... .   personality disorders are very very serious. 

[Duck_Borders]

Sorry for two posts, I just read your last reply. 

These are the rantings of a very mentally ill person:  "I had a very meaningful conversation with my anger.  It feels strangely peaceful and lonely."    - what the heck?  This is not a normal person... .


Regarding your feelings of guilt and sympathy for him:  HE WILL ALWAYS BE IN PAIN.  HE WILL ALWAYS BE SUFFERING.  These are part of his mental illness.  You cannot help him with that.  You can however help yourself.  Do you want to be by his side through all of his demons?  It is a never ending road... . 

I guarantee you in a year, you will look back at this moment and be forever thankful you made the decision to walk away.

No matter what you do, I would advise researching and taking precautions against physical violence from this man.  He sounds like a pretty extreme case and who knows what he's capable of. 

Take it from someone on the other side of a relationship like this - I would cut off all communication with him, I wouldn't even reply to his texts. 

I truly hope you get free from this.  I feel hopeless and lost in my own situation, but if I can help others get away from these deranged people there is some salvation for me in that.

[cassnyc]

Thank you all so much.  These past couple weeks became extremely chaotic once more-- so much so that I even forgot this forum exists.  I have not seen my husband in weeks now, but he has not backed down in terms of the calling, messaging, etc.  We live in NYC (I'm moved out and have my own place now), and I have been the financial provider of the relationship.  He just purchased a car that he will have no way of affording, as well as a dog that he will have no way of caring for.  He saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed him with ADHD.  So my husband thinks that his answers will be solved by the medication he's now taking.  There was a video that the psychiatrist encouraged him to watch that my husband insisted I must view WITH him-- that this is the answer to all our problems, the beginning of our path to healing, etc etc.  I have repeatedly told him I am not ready to see him in person.  Well, my continued insistence that I can't see him resulted in more outbursts... .He writes:

"This is not about feelings or being ready or not, this is the most important thing I've learned about myself, us and explains everything.  if you don't want to know or understand and heal and much rather believe your BPD  theories then so be it.  If that gives you comfort and want to hold on to that diagnosis you've given me then there's nothing I can do. I need someone to talk to and that person is you, if you don't want to take personal responsibility and want the best for your husband then we will stay broken. The cure and solution, to everything is in front of you. You not wanting to take it its your own doing. I can't send you anything you need to see it with me. There is no other solution, and nothing more  important, you said it yourself you want me to get better but I can't until you do this."

And then after I did not answer repeated calls:

"HOW , HOW ARE WE EVER MOVE PAST THIS IF YOU ARE  NOT WILLING, TO TALK, TO LISTEN TO THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS, HOW CASSIE HOW !   PLEASE ANSWER ALL I'M TRYING TO DO IS FIX THIS !    WHY, WHY, WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT ?   WHY!  WHY NOT YOUR EFFORT ? WHYY?   WHY NOT LISTEN TO WHAT IS IN FRONT OF YOU WICH CURES YOU!  WHY.   WHY HAVING THAT BREATHING MASK WITH NO AIR AROUND AND NOT USE IT ?   WHYYYYYYYYYYY"

I have already told him I'm not coming home, that it's not emotionally or psychologically safe for me to be a part of this relationship.  He is in total denial of everything, and is continuing to lash out at me.  There were so many more intense and hurtful messages that came after these.  I continue to hold my ground, and say "no" to his repeated pleas to see me.  God, this is awful. 

Word finally reached his family of our situation, that I've left.  His sister contacted me last night and told me that they all understand, that his mother says she's dealt with the same behavior her whole life with his father.  It is all so sad... .so many people just stuck inside this endless cycle of hurt and pain.  When he is "good," he is SO GOOD.  It's still heartbreaking to leave that part of him. 

I'm wondering how long it typically takes for someone to get to a diagnosis of BPD.  There is really no question in my mind that this is what he has.  The ADHD diagnosis MAY be part of the issue, but it only scratches the surface in explaining what's going on. 

I can't tell you enough how meaningful it is to hear from those of you out there experiencing, or who have experienced, similar experiences.  I still can't believe this is all real... .it has gotten SO bad so quickly... .all it took to explode was for me to begin speaking up for myself after years of being trampled on and emotionally kicked around.  I've been tiptoeing around his anger and temper for years.  I'm starting to be able to view this all from an almost outsider perspective, but not quite yet.

Yes, the FOG is so real.  SO darn real.  And he knows where I'm particularly vulnerable to feeling guilty and obligated... .and is playing on them heavily. 

Thank you all again once more.  I know I'm doing the right thing here.  But my goodness, I hope this starts feeling easier soon.  I wish I could hug you all-- I feel so much appreciating in knowing I'm not alone.

[ForeverDad]

Since you're here on the Family Law board, are you going to file for divorce?  If/when you do then make sure you have a strategy to keep your distance.  No court will make you stay married but some states do try to have certain steps before, during and after followed which can make the process longer.  The key is to know where you stand and not allow FOG to distract, delay or sabotage you.  As some have said, do you want to rip the bandage off quickly and be done with it or do it slowly and prolong the agony?

Have you sought legal advice from a few family law attorneys?  We recommend multiple consultations because (1) they're relatively inexpensive and (2) you need to select a lawyer you are confident will be a problem solver, proactive and experienced with high conflict cases.  What you don't want is to choose a forms filer and hand holder.

Even though you're married to him, you probably have a right to seek a restraining or protection order to not just keep him at a distance but also limit his contact by phone, email or texts.  Even if it's not out and out DV, you still need help.

Also, do not support him.  I'm not being mean or unkind but you should not, in effect, reward bad behavior.  He's an adult, he can put on his big boy pants.  I hope he didn't buy the car using your credit or forging your signature.  You would be smart to check your credit report so you know what your credit exposure is.  I wouldn't be surprised if he has forged your name or conned you to sign something.  It's a good practice to check your credit report with the three main companies.  By law each one provides one free report each year so rotate them one every four months: www.annualcreditreport.com

Finally, many of us never got a diagnosis of BPD or anything else.  In my case I was in and out of family court for some 8 years, our son grew from age 3 to age 12 there.  A the beginning we were both ordered to get Psych Evals.  I obeyed the order and got mine - from a college grad student at the county office - but I never found out if she even went.  In all that time to my knowledge she never got counseling or a diagnosis.  In my first session with our Custody Evaluator, a child psychologist, I was bluntly told that he wasn't there to diagnose anyone, his task was just to provide a recommendation to the court on custody and parenting.

Our general experience is that domestic courts often don't seek a diagnosis.  Their focus, eventually, is on the behaviors and compliance or lack thereof.  Sorry, court typically deals with people as they are, not as we wish them to be.  Sometimes Anger Management classes are ordered if there has been abuse or violence but even that doesn't guarantee results.

Yes, you can try to seek a diagnosis but don't depend on getting one or that it will mean anything to court, family, others or even to him.  You need to concentrate on getting your life back.  Sad but that's the reality.

[momtara]

People like this tend to give lots of guilt trips, and then constantly accuse *you* of a guilt trip. He basically tricked you. Drugs all of a sudden pop out the night of your wedding? Ugh.

Yes, you are lucky you didn't have kids with him - and be careful!

It's ok to feel guilt. We are human. You loved him and you can see how good he can be. But he is also very hurful. Sometimes rereading a journal or listening to a tape of the abuse reminds you how bad it was.

Be gentle with yourself and your feelings. The FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) is normal. Just protect yourself and take it day by day.

And no, I don't think he'll harass you forever. He will find new victims. Without kids and pets between you, you aren't tied to him, so that's good.