What dictates who they latch onto?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

A question I have always had about BPD is why do they never leave some people alone, and they completely cut some out of their life.

At first I though it was that the pwBPD thought they could still control the non, but after looking at some posts on this site. Some pwBPD seem to never give up on somebody that is refusing to contact them.

Is it the length of relationship, or what? Why do they try to recycle with that one person so much?

[Schermarhorn]

A question I have always had about BPD is why do they never leave some people alone, and they completely cut some out of their life.

At first I though it was that the pwBPD thought they could still control the non, but after looking at some posts on this site. Some pwBPD seem to never give up on somebody that is refusing to contact them.

Is it the length of relationship, or what? Why do they try to recycle with that one person so much?

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Schermarhorn, I think it's something that's hard to say for sure. While people with BPD have similar symptoms and ways of thinking, they are still individuals with their individual quirks and personalities.

One of the most famous books about BPD is entitled "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". Kind of representative of the subject at hand, eh?

Heightened fear of abandonment and frantic efforts to soothe those feelings are a strong motivator for people with BPD. That can manifest in different ways, sometimes finding a different attachment because the person with BPD just "knew" you were going to abandon them, sometimes it's trying to get back together with that person that maybe was the best complement to their needs.

My ex gf is one of those people who realizes when a person is either too smart or finally sick of her crap, and then she doesn't bother with them. She will try to stay in touch with those who are willing to put up with her.

Schermarhorn, are you being barraged by your ex, hearing nothing from them, or just curious?

[Schermarhorn]

Schermarhorn, are you being barraged by your ex, hearing nothing from them, or just curious?

I haven't heard anything for a couple of months, but I was just curious.

It seems like some people just can't get rid of them, and others can't even get them to talk to them.

[Learning_curve74]

It seems like some people just can't get rid of them, and others can't even get them to talk to them.

If it helps, you can think of a high functioning borderline as being "in disguise". They might seem "normal" on the outside compared to somebody who talks crazy or is institutionalized, but their feelings and distorted thinking are hidden inside their mind, only to be manifested in certain ways.

If you can figure out what somebody's thought processes are, then you could guess what they might do. The problem is a mentally ill person has dysfunctional ways of thinking and relating to the world, so it's not necessarily easy to think like they do.

I don't know your story, but does part of you want to get back together or at least be friends? Or are you dissatisfied with how things ended and want a better sense of closure?

[Schermarhorn]

It seems like some people just can't get rid of them, and others can't even get them to talk to them.

If it helps, you can think of a high functioning borderline as being "in disguise". They might seem "normal" on the outside compared to somebody who talks crazy or is institutionalized, but their feelings and distorted thinking are hidden inside their mind, only to be manifested in certain ways.

If you can figure out what somebody's thought processes are, then you could guess what they might do. The problem is a mentally ill person has dysfunctional ways of thinking and relating to the world, so it's not necessarily easy to think like they do.

I don't know your story, but does part of you want to get back together or at least be friends? Or are you dissatisfied with how things ended and want a better sense of closure?

In a perfect world I would like a friendship or something. But I know that's not going to work out so I'm just trying to move on.

It's just that most pwBPD have so many ex's that they could recycle with, why do they tend to always go back to the same person for some?

[enlighten me]

I think a number of things are at play in this.

Like learning curve said if someone is willing to put up with their behaviour thn they are likely to stay in contact with them.

My thoughts on why they try to keep an attachment to some and not others in my opinion is because that person was probably more of a match to what they are looking for. If they treat them good and had similar core interests, values and emotional maturity then they may see them as the most compatible and the one they let get away. My exgf had one that she went on about and how lovely he was. I think he was the one that got away. Also like me he was the only other one that dumped her. So there could be some wanting what you cant have going on.

[gameover]

Why do nons have certain romances that seem so much more significant than others?  I don't think any of us can provide rational reasons, for instance, that sometimes a fling that last for a weak left a much larger emotional footprint in our lives than a relationship that last a year.

That said, I don't think she'll be back for me.  I saw too much and got too close to the source.  There was a moment toward the end where both of our false egos had pretty much unraveled and it felt like we reached a sort of endgame and saw each other for who we really were--and, even though I was prepared to love her for who she really was, I'm pretty sure I seem extremely threatening because of that.  She could never go back to me as an attempt to 'normalize' herself like she could with the ex she left me for, or any of her other exes, who still saw her as 'the one who got away.' 

In fact, I don't think she meant to get involved with me in the first place to the extent we did.  I remember thinking, when I dropped her off after our first night together, this girl really expects me to hurt her.  I probably seemed like a safe bet to fit the narrative she had for herself of the guy who always abandons her.  And certainly I don't think she expected me to make the effort I did to get to the bottom of who she was--she always seemed a little shocked that I was so observant, had such a good memory, and was willing to call her on her inconsistencies.  I think if I was less of those things and was still able to idealize her I'd be a safer bet for her ex collection.             

[hopealways]

From learningcurvbe74:

"My ex gf is one of those people who realizes when a person is either too smart or finally sick of her crap, and then she doesn't bother with them. She will try to stay in touch with those who are willing to put up with her."

This is very true. They have the uncanny ability to drain you of your absolute last drop of nerve and that is when they leave. When they know you truly can't take it anymore. Once my BPDx told me "I feel I have to feel like I really lost you in order to want you."

It's a double edged sword: if you are too kind and giving they don't respect you and they eventually leave, but if you are too mean they stay and the relationship is even worse.

[WuTanger100]

I absolutely agree with many of the comments made here regarding the fact they know when you've had enough.  I always used to call my ex out on her behaviours and inconsistencies and it used to drive me nuts when she couldn't see my point of view even when it was completely sound and logical.

She always used to say to me I would get fed up of her eventually and I would leave her.  Of course earlier on in the relationship I told her I wouldn't.  It's like she had to make this self-fulfilling prophecy work.  She always got upset and said how she felt I 'hated her'.  It was so infuriating, I wanted to be with her and didn't hate her, I hated the way she acted.

Anyway, I touched one too many nerves I think.  I told her how she loved male attention which didn't go down too well.  I also, trying to be helpful or so I thought, told her she should see a psychologist if she felt depressed and empty and asked her what he thoughts were on Bi-Polar (not knowing anything about BPD).  I think she freaked out I was getting close to the truth and that's why she's not come back.  That and she's sufficiently devalued me and is now with the rebound.

Her main mission at the moment is to get married.  She is 31 and her biological clock is ticking in her head.  I think she knew I wasn't going to get married to her anytime soon and decided to cut her losses. I'm glad she dropped her mask when she did because if she had held it together a year longer or so I don't know how much more messed up my situation might have been.

[C.Stein]

She always used to say to me I would get fed up of her eventually and I would leave her.  Of course earlier on in the relationship I told her I wouldn't.  It's like she had to make this self-fulfilling prophecy work.

At the beginning of my relationship, when we would attempt to talk things out, my ex used to say if I'm such a bad person then why are you with me.  I immediately reassured her that I didn't think she was a bad person, that I was in love with her and I believed in her, but that her actions towards me were hurting me.  That said, the underlying thinking was disturbing and indicative of self-loathing.  

Her main mission at the moment is to get married.  She is 31 and her biological clock is ticking in her head.  I think she knew I wasn't going to get married to her anytime soon and decided to cut her losses.

My ex was/is the same.  She is 36 and is getting desperate to have a child/family.  As soon as she decided that I was no longer able to give her that she completely detached ... .like I never existed.  

This hurts on so many different levels because I feel like she never really loved me at all, but rather only loved the idea of the family and child we might have one day.  If it is in fact true she was having an emotional affair prior to her discarding me, then that would suggest she gave up on me long before I gave her any indication that a child might not be in the mix.  This makes it even harder to accept the outcome because I would have given her everything she wanted if she could have stood by my side when I needed her the most (i.e. after she severely damaged our relationship, my trust, and my emotions).  She also used this as a reason for discarding me, even though it didn't come up until after the 2nd discard.

[hashtag_loyal]

It's just that most pwBPD have so many ex's that they could recycle with, why do they tend to always go back to the same person for some?

I would expect when you have SO MANY ex's, eventually you will pick out a few favorites from the rest of the pack.

I can just imagine a pwBPD using a CRM tool to track current and former partners. We could all be on there, ranked by various traits and with columns indicating the last date contacted, and whether or not we "hate her" at the given moment.

[Hopeful83]

I can just imagine a pwBPD using a CRM tool to track current and former partners. We could all be on there, ranked by various traits and with columns indicating the last date contacted, and whether or not we "hate her" at the given moment.

this made me laugh!

[WuTanger100]

At the beginning of my relationship, when we would attempt to talk things out, my ex used to say if I'm such a bad person then why are you with me.  I immediately reassured her that I didn't think she was a bad person, that I was in love with her and I believed in her, but that her actions towards me were hurting me.

That's EXACTLY something my ex said as well more or less word for word.  I tried to reason with her and sometimes I got a half hearted 'I understand, I'll do better' but it always ended up the same.

This makes it even harder to accept the outcome because I would have given her everything she wanted if she could have stood by my side when I needed her the most (i.e. after she severely damaged our relationship, my trust, and my emotions).  She also used this as a reason for discarding me, even though it didn't come up until after the 2nd discard.

I feel you here too.  That's the irony of it.  If they just realised you were willing to be with them they could have what they want.  It's this skewed thinking that makes it a little bit easier to deal with the rejection.  A leopard doesn'r change it's spots.

[C.Stein]

I feel you here too.  That's the irony of it.  If they just realised you were willing to be with them they could have what they want.

It is more than just being willing to be with her.  She needed to treat me, love me, in the same fashion I treated and loved her.  A two way exchange, both giving and receiving equally.  

I accepted her for who she was, I never tried to change her directly, I just tried to help her see how her behavior hurt me.  Sadly she never really saw it.  The last two texts she sent me, the first she attempted to manipulate me (which I don't think she really knew that's what she was doing) and told me she couldn't be just friends anymore and couldn't text/talk to me anymore.  That was not what I wanted, so I don't know where she got that from.  I responded to that text.

The second and last text about 12 hours later she blamed me for not making an effort after she had broken up with me.  The ball was in her court, both to make the effort and with respect to time constraints.  Then she cut me off at the knees saying she had to study.  I never did respond to the last text and that was the end.  I did send her a text wishing her happy birthday a couple of weeks later and she seemed happy to get it, but I left it at that.  I was still very emotionally numb and well ... .fed up.  Now I am wishing I had handled that differently.

[Creativum]

Just like a virus, it depends on the person's immunity and how hard their immune systems are willing to fight to get rid of the virus.  There are people in this world who could be injected with the worst virus on the planet and absolutely nothing will happen to them because the virus can't engage with the cells it wants to attack.  Others might get sick for a while and their body will eventually fight off the virus, perhaps leaving them in a weak state, but disease-free and on the mend.  And yet others will succumb to the virus and perish.  And, of course, sometimes the virus lays dormant and we are simple carriers of it, although it might become active at some point in time and do damage.

It's isn't *just* about the person with BPD.  It's *also* about our "immune response" to them.  Some of us just have better defenses than others.

My ex is hoping I will be a "carrier" for him.  Fortunately, I have CONTROL over whether that will happen.  And it won't.

[Joem678]

For me, I've been asking this question too but I kind of have an idea.  I am the only guy that has respected her.

Some facts:  She was abused physically and sexually as a child.  Her mom neglected her.  Dad was not around.  Grandma was abusive.

I've gone through this type of cycle.  1) I get painted black.  And I mean I am the anti-Christ.  2)She becomes a victim to her friends.   3)  There are "distractions".  People she idolizes too.  4)  She comes back.

I can only think that she becomes someone else.  During these periods she behaves differently.  (habits, dress, social life)  all different.  Then she gets back to herself after a while.  She loses all friends and drops the distraction. The way she presents herself during these times only attract a specific guy. 

It is pretty confusing.  She doesn't remember a lot during this periods.  This is not a rapid thing.  She goes through this like every 4-5 years.

My advice to all you is to seek counseling.  I've been in very limited contacted because of kids for 2 months now.  She would guilt me and torture me with what she would say.  I am starting to feel better.  You literally start to feel the manipulation leave you.  You will feel in  more control of your life.  You won't feel this until you experience it.  Little by little I have felt stronger.  If she does return this time around I will be able to make a decision that is best for her, my kids and myself.  I will say this that there is a lot of therapy standing between myself and her.

[troisette]

I'd agree with a lot of the previous posts; I've had NC - instigated by me - for eight weeks now and my intuition tells me that I won't hear, even though he lives six streets away and that makes it hard for me in a small town.

He always told me that I was an adult, he realised that - despite my frailties that caused me to get involved and to stick with his emotionally abusive treatment of me - that I was more self aware than he was. His friends, without exception, are all children in adult bodies. I would say his emotional age is about five. So he was comfortable with them. But he liked my adult responses, in retrospect, maybe child to parent? I haven't figured out that one yet.

Once I reached the end of my tether and told him that I saw through his external charm that works so well with others and saw the person underneath he was shattered. Then spent five months playing emotionally manipulative games trying to establish a friends with benefits relationship. I assume this was because he needed to win some headgame to think he still had control. Control seems to be important to them and if they feel they can't exert it I think it would put them off attempting recontact.

So I'd agree, in my limited experience of one BPD, they seem to like to hang out with people who haven't seen through the facade. Probably recycling former partners who don't have the insight to stay clear and recognise the potential harm of recycling. Or perhaps hook into their psyche in some perverse way?

Having said all that; I'd have to use all of my resources to resist not responding to an email or phone call! Just using all of my emotional strength now to get through the months, go through the stages of grief until I emerge on the other side. The hardest thing I've ever had to do... .

[CharWood]

JoeM: Yours sounds exactly like mine. No joke. Everything you described fits her to a 'T' when she dysregulates.

BPs  the most unpredictable people in the world but if you really analyze their periods of triggered BPD episodes, you can usually see a pattern. At least, with mine I can. But still, I never quite know what to expect from her.

My ex and I have literally been breaking up since mid-july... .our friends and family have called this the "Guinness world record winner for the longest break up ever". It is a painfully long story... as im sure all of us Nons have this painfully long novel of a story about our relationships with BPD sufferers.

when it comes to latching onto someone in particular, this is not so common for most BPDs. Their relationships are usually short, intense, chaotic and end quickly. My theory is this: any long term relationship between a BPD and non usually happens because the non is the opposite of them and was brought up vastly different than the BPD. This person can offer the stability and affection the bp never had growing up. In a sense, you become the "good parent", which is pretty twisted I think. You are everything they want and need but they are terrified of being with you... .so they push, pull, push, pull... and, as much as they are terrified of you and paint you to black... .they still split you to white in a way as well because they don't want to let you go. In fact, I believe they are TERRIFIED to let you go. I was with mine for 4 years and our saga continues even after we are broken up.

You see, my ex can treat me like she is repulsed by me one day and the next will stare at me longingly while I put chapstick on (she was called out by my friend for doing this on Saturday and actually fessed up to it), walk in on me naked while I am getting out of the shower, and even straight up asked me to have one last night - a fling - with her 2 weeks ago (though she denied it the next day, even though she asked about 5 times that night)... .she comes to me for advice, emotional support, comfort... .we eat all our meals together, run errands together, take walks together... if I talk about her not being in my future  she will flip out and get upset (yet she flip flops back and forth alluding to me being in hers or her "meeting someone someday" It is all very bizarre. Holding hands, holding eachother during an emotional moment, sleeping in the same bed, sexual tension, a very brief kiss followed by an intense argument... .the only things left to happen are her trying to make out with me or sleep with me and a full blown recycle attempt.

And you know what? Unless a BPD gets therapy, this kind of thing will happen over and over again in cycles for the rest of your life... .because if they are set on you, they wont go without a fight - even if they dump you or cheat or act like they cant stand you. The truth is they are probably addicted to you and what you represent to them: the stability and love they never had and so desperately want but are terrified of. My ex frantically and desperately has tried to recycle but none of her attempts have worked. She even admitted once that it seems like nobody is anything like me (so she admits she compares everyone to me). I think mine has done everything she can to push me away but cannot bear to let me go. So she remains in constant limbo.

She has deleted  her online dating profile in the past week and seems to be markedly inactive on her phone over the past week. She has not been out on a date in a month. She speaks more and more of things in the future she wants to do with me... although she is adamant that it will be as "best friends"... .though when I asked her what will she do when I move on and let her go completely from my life, she became upset and said "I don't know what the future holds"... .She does not really believe I will move on and abandon her. And, clearly this is not at all what she wants. I have a gut feeling she will attempt a recycle within the next couple of weeks. All signs are leading to this.

I think my story with my ex is a good example of a BPD latching onto someone. I came from a stable household growing up where my father never brought anyone he was dating around me after my mom passed away until my stepmom entered the picture in high school, my grandparents lived with us and helped my dad raise me, I was a good student, college-educated, have a good career going, financially responsible, self-sufficient and mature (having to step up to the plate at age 23 and help my stepmom take care of my cancer stricken father)... .She is the opposite of me (though she does try hard to take steps into the right direction), her mom has borderline and has cheated in all of her relationships, mom has 4 kids from 3 different men, her mom has dumped her off at boarding school or at her grandparents to focus attention on these men, her mom has anger issues and can be abusive and controlling - she blames her kids for everything, the dad is an absentee alcoholic. So there you have it - I am the good parent. Everything she has always wanted but never had. My ex remarked the other night that she doesn't" know anything about real healthy love or have any point of reference because mom was unstable and going through guy after guy when she was growing up". So there you have it.

Any thoughts on this theory of why a BPD will latch onto someone longterm and stick around?

[JohnLove]

The second and last text about 12 hours later she blamed me for not making an effort after she had broken up with me.  The ball was in her court, both to make the effort and with respect to time constraints.  Then she cut me off at the knees saying she had to study.  I never did respond to the last text and that was the end.  I did send her a text wishing her happy birthday a couple of weeks later and she seemed happy to get it, but I left it at that.  I was still very emotionally numb and well ... .fed up.  Now I am wishing I had handled that differently.

As well as the push/pull aspect of a BPD relationship this smacks of "I need you to chase me. I need to feel wanted, so I jeopardise the relationship to test you in the hope that will "pull" you out, and provoke a highly charged emotional response from you... .and that will cause me to feel wanted"

Yeah, for about a day... .then what?

I feel you conducted yourself very well in the face of this exaggerated game playing. By your own admission you were being kind and helpful, and challenging your partner (with love) that would do as much for her personal growth as a T.

Ultimately you began to see right through her and your ex (with her heightened "perceptions"   ) picked up on that real well.

I am curious. What would you have done any different?

[shatra]

triisette wrote

He always told me that I was an adult, he realised that I was more self aware than he was. His friends, without exception, are all children in adult bodies. I would say his emotional age is about five. So he was comfortable with them. But he liked my adult responses, in retrospect, maybe child to parent? I haven't figured out that one yet.

-----Yes, I find that his friends and ex's are either alcoholics or BPDs who he can identify with. I was different than him, and more stable than either him or his associates.

   So he was child to child with them, couldn't rely on them and often left them. I was the stable one who could have been like a parent figure.  I wonder why he couldn't handle my stability, though he liked leaning on it?

[hashtag_loyal]

Any thoughts on this theory of why a BPD will latch onto someone longterm and stick around?

I think you nailed it.

[C.Stein]

I am curious. What would you have done any different?

I should/would have made more of an effort to spend time with her and to talk with her.

She was correct, I wasn't making an effort and I should have tried harder but I just couldn't find the strength to do it at the time.  She has huge constraints on her time right now so I left it up to her to let me know when she had time available.   She did suggest one time but I happened to be busy.   I could have blown off work but I choose not to.  Now I wish I had.

We never did have a good adult conversation about feelings or what our relationship had become after the second discard.   I was still feeling very numb and she didn't seem motivated to talk about anything, which was not unusual for her.   She did bring up a few things that had come out during the blow out we had at the time of the second discard, but it was more about her trying to explain/excuse away some of the things I had pointed out about how she had been deceptive right from the beginning of our relationship.  I didn't feel at the time she was being very sincere, more like she was just saying what she thought I wanted to hear and back peddling.  I didn't push the issue.  

We did have a good time together the two times we went out after the second discard and I was starting to regain some feelings.  I was also feeling a lot of fear and I think that is what held me back from making more of an effort and from texting her back after the last text she sent.

[Learning_curve74]

Yes, I find that his friends and ex's are either alcoholics or BPDs who he can identify with. I was different than him, and more stable than either him or his associates.

   So he was child to child with them, couldn't rely on them and often left them. I was the stable one who could have been like a parent figure.  I wonder why he couldn't handle my stability, though he liked leaning on it?

Not to hijack the thread too much, but this might help answer your question: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

The three roles in the drama triangle are victim, rescuer, and persecuter. There don't need to be three individuals involved, two people can cycle through the three roles. So if he started as the victim, and you were the rescuer, at one point he may have felt that your expectations of him were too much and moved you to the persecuter role. If he accused you of this, then you might at that point then feel put into the victim role. Unhealthy relationships with drama often have both partners moving through all three roles.

To move it back to the original topic: One thing that some BPDers seem to be stuck on is drama. So it would also make sense that they might seek out the partners that kept the cycle of drama going. Those healthier individuals who refuse to engage in a role in the Karpman drama triangle might be of less interest to the person with BPD, or they may have their time filled with other people who are engaged in their drama and don't have time for the others at that point.

[enlighten me]

To add to my original post I believe there are different kinds of attachment.

I think theres the kind where they truly liked someone and realise they have messed up. This is the lost love.

Then I think theres the ones where they enjoy the attention.

I also think that theres the ones that they use. Whether its for helping them do things or financially.

My exgf texted me last night asking about a car fault she had. I don't know if she was wanting me to rush over and fix it. If she was she would have been disappointed as I told her what to do and left it at that.

[disorderedsociety]

Heightened fear of abandonment and frantic efforts to soothe those feelings are a strong motivator for people with BPD. That can manifest in different ways, sometimes finding a different attachment because the person with BPD just "knew" you were going to abandon them, sometimes it's trying to get back together with that person that maybe was the best complement to their needs.

My ex gf is one of those people who realizes when a person is either too smart or finally sick of her crap, and then she doesn't bother with them. She will try to stay in touch with those who are willing to put up with her.

The one I was... .-around- always asked if I was going to leave. I didn't fall for her melodramatic behavior, though I'm recovering from codependency. I've gotten a few texts over the last year here and there, probing I suppose. A really insincere apology email as well. Now she's got kid #2 coming, so I hear. Last contacted me right after the deadline for abortion, of which she's had a couple.

What sucks is you never really know how they will fare in the next relationship. Then again, it really doesn't matter.

[zundertowz]

I think that some of them have strong narc traits,  I think these ones lack empathy and are simply using people for their own needs.  So if these ones have replacements your pretty much forgotten.  Maybe one day the will be discarded themselves with no back ups and you'll get a call, and maybe they will never have no backups.  I also believe that if you have them figured out you will probably be on the bottom of the list to be contacted.  I would be shocked if I'm ever contacted she knew I had her figured out and called her out on her bull___.

[hashtag_loyal]

To add to my original post I believe there are different kinds of attachment.

I think theres the kind where they truly liked someone and realise they have messed up. This is the lost love.

Then I think theres the ones where they enjoy the attention.

I also think that theres the ones that they use. Whether its for helping them do things or financially.

My exgf texted me last night asking about a car fault she had. I don't know if she was wanting me to rush over and fix it. If she was she would have been disappointed as I told her what to do and left it at that.

I think a lot depends on the role that you filled. If you were doing a good job in the "supportive parent" role for the pwBPD, then that is the kind of loss that really stings, and I would expect they would have a very tough time ever completely walking away from that.

As for the relationships where they "use us", I really think that is from the perspective of us nons. From the pwBPD, it is completely different. Much more transactional, like a business relationship. A pwBPD learns at a very early age that they can use love/sex/submissiveness to get things from others. A pwBPD will give love and sex to a non in order to get attention, validation, financial resources or what not from the non.

When the business relationship is no longer working out for the pwBPD, he/she takes her business (love) to the next customer. The pwBPD no longer "loves" (i.e. needs) the first non, and is probably completely confused as to why that non is still obsessing over the completed relationship and blaming him/her for doing anything wrong in the first place. Those kind of r/s are probably the type a pwBPD would move on from and never look back (provided they can find plenty of other "customers" in the future.)

Bottom line: We see love as unconditional love, while pwBPD see love as transactional love, because that's the only kind of "love" they've ever really known.

[hashtag_loyal]

I also believe that if you have them figured out you will probably be on the bottom of the list to be contacted.

This is very true.

[guy4caligirl]

To add to my original post I believe there are different kinds of attachment.

I think theres the kind where they truly liked someone and realise they have messed up. This is the lost love.

Then I think theres the ones where they enjoy the attention.

I also think that theres the ones that they use. Whether its for helping them do things or financially.

My exgf texted me last night asking about a car fault she had. I don't know if she was wanting me to rush over and fix it. If she was she would have been disappointed as I told her what to do and left it at that.

I think a lot depends on the role that you filled. If you were doing a good job in the "supportive parent" role for the pwBPD, then that is the kind of loss that really stings, and I would expect they would have a very tough time ever completely walking away from that.

As for the relationships where they "use us", I really think that is from the perspective of us nons. From the pwBPD, it is completely different. Much more transactional, like a business relationship. A pwBPD learns at a very early age that they can use love/sex/submissiveness to get things from others. A pwBPD will give love and sex to a non in order to get attention, validation, financial resources or what not from the non.

When the business relationship is no longer working out for the pwBPD, he/she takes her business (love) to the next customer. The pwBPD no longer "loves" (i.e. needs) the first non, and is probably completely confused as to why that non is still obsessing over the completed relationship and blaming him/her for doing anything wrong in the first place. Those kind of r/s are probably the type a pwBPD would move on from and never look back (provided they can find plenty of other "customers" in the future.)

Bottom line: We see love as unconditional love, while pwBPD see love as transactional love, because that's the only kind of "love" they've ever really known.

I think you have a very interesting thread here ,your analysis makes a lot of sense and I do agree with you .

[enlighten me]

To add to my original post I believe there are different kinds of attachment.

I think theres the kind where they truly liked someone and realise they have messed up. This is the lost love.

Then I think theres the ones where they enjoy the attention.

I also think that theres the ones that they use. Whether its for helping them do things or financially.

My exgf texted me last night asking about a car fault she had. I don't know if she was wanting me to rush over and fix it. If she was she would have been disappointed as I told her what to do and left it at that.

I think a lot depends on the role that you filled. If you were doing a good job in the "supportive parent" role for the pwBPD, then that is the kind of loss that really stings, and I would expect they would have a very tough time ever completely walking away from that.

As for the relationships where they "use us", I really think that is from the perspective of us nons. From the pwBPD, it is completely different. Much more transactional, like a business relationship. A pwBPD learns at a very early age that they can use love/sex/submissiveness to get things from others. A pwBPD will give love and sex to a non in order to get attention, validation, financial resources or what not from the non.

When the business relationship is no longer working out for the pwBPD, he/she takes her business (love) to the next customer. The pwBPD no longer "loves" (i.e. needs) the first non, and is probably completely confused as to why that non is still obsessing over the completed relationship and blaming him/her for doing anything wrong in the first place. Those kind of r/s are probably the type a pwBPD would move on from and never look back (provided they can find plenty of other "customers" in the future.)

Bottom line: We see love as unconditional love, while pwBPD see love as transactional love, because that's the only kind of "love" they've ever really known.

Im speaking post break up attachments of the pwBPD. My exgf tried to use me to do things. The "could you drop this off" or "pick this up" or "fix this". Also financially. It is completely one sided. For me it reminds me of a child expecting a parent to do things for them.