Unfair Judgement: How Do You Handle It

[C.Stein]

I think one of the things that is really bothering me post discard is I know I am being unfairly judged.

When I said goodbye to my ex, I mentioned that it takes at least 1-1.5 years to really get to know someone.  Her response was ... .yes ... in that tone of voice that implied I had mislead her.  She had also said earlier while we were still together that I wasn't the same person I was in the beginning and that I had mislead her into thinking I was someone I really wasn't.

Now this just doesn't sit right with me and I think it is one of the core issues that is causing me difficulty detaching.  I don't like being unfairly judged.  This is particularly bothersome because I know she is using this, in part, as justification for her actions in the last six months and the discard.

This is also bothersome because I have yet to convince myself that our relationship couldn't be salvaged and that it couldn't be healthy providing she could find a way to always treat me with honesty, respect and care.   I also have a some doubt that she is actually in a new relationship as she claims.  While evidence is almost overwhelmingly in favor of this being true, there are a few things that suggest it may not be.

While my actions are mine and mine alone we all respond differently due to environmental pressures.  In the case of our relationship my response to emotional pain was to distance and withdraw.   This however isn't "me" in a normal healthy situation.

Was it the correct response to withdraw?  No it wasn't.

Did I try to communicate in a positive, healthy manner?  Yes, in the beginning I did, but as time went on I didn't try as hard because I was getting nothing in return.  Not the right thing to do either.

I know there is probably nothing that can be done now, she will think what she wants to think as was always the case, but it doesn't make me want to stand up for myself any less.  I did try to explain all this in my "closure" email I sent her but I have no idea if she read it.  I really want her to understand her role in this and how it affected me.

How do people here deal with the assault on your ego, especially when you cannot defend yourself?

[Fr4nz]

Hey C.,

first thing, you have to realize that being unfairly judged is pretty usual in case of relationships with people having BPD (or borderline traits). This probably happened to your ex's exes as well... .it's part of the discard process, which characterize relationships of BPDs.

You don't have to take such behaviours as something personally done against you (even if it really seems so, eh!), it's just part of the cyclic patterns characterizing this disorder, when it comes to romantic relationships.

Also, it was also normal, from your side, to withdraw - and seem somehow cold - in front of such behaviours... .happened to me as well. I guess it's part of our defence mechanisms kicking in when we are in the middle of this unintelligible "storm".

There really wasn't something you could do to better the situation, because it takes two to maintain a satisfying relationship; and yes, we are humans, and we all have some kind of flaws/quirk, but as far as these defects remain within a "normality" level, it's the human nature to be imperfect.

So, nothing to really worry about, except to learn from these experiences and work/improve on our flaws to become better persons. Most of the times the real problem is that we tolerated unacceptable behaviours/situations created by our partners, so we have to investigate the reasons which brought us to stay in such relationships in spite of the big red flags.

So, the moral of the story is: I perfectly understand how you feel, it's extremely hard to be judged in such a way, we almost all experienced this phase; but, keep in mind you're a pretty great person and this devaluation is just part of a cycle of behavioural patterns which BPDs repeat in every relationship.

Keep it up man!  

PS: You put so much highlight on the fact that you don't like to be judged unfairly... .is it possible that you have some narcissistic traits (not the disorder!)? This was my case (in tandem with some borderline traits)... .

[C.Stein]

PS: You put so much highlight on the fact that you don't like to be judged unfairly... .is it possible that you have some narcissistic traits (not the disorder!)? This was my case (in tandem with some borderline traits)... .

Yes, I do not like being judged unfairly ... .words put in my mouth ... .being misrepresented ... .

Is this narcissistic, I don't know.  I have recently taken some screening tests online to assess my own "disorders".  None of them showed any strong indication of having a PD but I did show some traits of quite a few of them, including narc.  It was not high enough to warrant concern, according to the test, but it is still present.  I think everyone will probably have some traits associated with a PD especially as you get older with more time under your belt.  The important aspect though is how you conduct yourself when these negative traits become an issue due to circumstances in your life.

Certainly I could have handled a lot of situations differently (better) in my relationship with the ex.  I do feel guilty for this now knowing she may suffer from BPD (post discard realization).  Problem is I can't say for sure she does suffer from BPD, being undiagnosed, and if things had progressed differently in our relationship the outcome might have been completely different.  It's that nagging doubt that if I had handled things differently in our relationship, tried harder to be more available to her, that these negative traits of hers wouldn't have surfaced.  This is all (pointless) speculation of course and even if these negative traits didn't surface now they might have down the road when we were married with kids. 

This unknown is really bugging me even though I know it is too late to do anything about it.

[Forteventur]

PS: You put so much highlight on the fact that you don't like to be judged unfairly... .is it possible that you have some narcissistic traits (not the disorder!)? This was my case (in tandem with some borderline traits)... .

Yes, I do not like being judged unfairly ... .words put in my mouth ... .being misrepresented ... .

Is this narcissistic, I don't know.  I have recently taken some screening tests online to assess my own "disorders".  None of them showed any strong indication of having a PD but I did show some traits of quite a few of them, including narc.  It was not high enough to warrant concern, according to the test, but it is still present.  I think everyone will probably have some traits associated with a PD especially as you get older with more time under your belt.  The important aspect though is how you conduct yourself when these negative traits become an issue due to circumstances in your life.

Certainly I could have handled a lot of situations differently (better) in my relationship with the ex.  I do feel guilty for this now knowing she may suffer from BPD (post discard realization).  Problem is I can't say for sure she does suffer from BPD, being undiagnosed, and if things had progressed differently in our relationship the outcome might have been completely different.  It's that nagging doubt that if I had handled things differently in our relationship, tried harder to be more available to her, that these negative traits of hers wouldn't have surfaced.  This is all (pointless) speculation of course and even if these negative traits didn't surface now they might have down the road when we were married with kids. 

This unknown is really bugging me even though I know it is too late to do anything about it.

We're in very similar spots, C.

I have been going through the same thoughts, and have decided to try once more with her. She said she misses me, but just cant get past the anger she feels. She also has very strong judgements and opinions of me, and I told her I didn't like being judged only for the bad thigns I had done, never for any of the good.

When I had a psychiatric evaluation because of my depression diagnosis, I was appointed with having potential BPD aswell as some narcissistic traits, but those had come as a defense mechanism resulting from low self-esteem, as backwards as that may sound.

[C.Stein]

We're in very similar spots, C.

I have been going through the same thoughts, and have decided to try once more with her. She said she misses me, but just cant get past the anger she feels. She also has very strong judgements and opinions of me, and I told her I didn't like being judged only for the bad thigns I had done, never for any of the good.

I miss my ex dearly and I am still very much in love with her.  That said, she wants nothing to do with me anymore.  She has showed almost no signs of any feelings for me anymore and she has stated she has moved on to a new relationship.  What I don't know is if she really did or she is just telling me this because it is just too painful for her right now and she has convinced herself there is no future with me and she is done wasting time on me and our relationship.  This is very much the feeling I got from her when we exchanged stuff and said goodbye ... .and she had brought up the whole waste of time thing when she discarded me the second time.

I am just unsure if she can control the hurtful behavior because she couldn't during our relationship.  But then I gave up trying to get her to stop too ... .I let her cross boundaries I had set because I was tired of trying to keep her in bounds.  Biggest problem with me is the behavior wasn't that frequent and as a result I feel like I failed her in a way.

That said, even though I want to reconcile, I still have this fear about what a marriage/family would be like with her.  So even if reconciliation were on the table I would have to deal with that fear plus the complete destruction of my trust in her.   While I don't feel it would be impossible for us to overcome these trust and fear issues, assuming she didn't have an affair, it would require a lot of effort and person introspection on both our parts.  While I feel I am capable of this, I have my doubts if she can be honest enough with herself to make a positive self-actualizing change.

So damned many conflicting feelings, I am so emotionally exhausted from this.  At times I feel like I have accepted everything, then I'm right back at wanting to work things out.

[Forteventur]

We're in very similar spots, C.

I have been going through the same thoughts, and have decided to try once more with her. She said she misses me, but just cant get past the anger she feels. She also has very strong judgements and opinions of me, and I told her I didn't like being judged only for the bad thigns I had done, never for any of the good.

I miss my ex dearly and I am still very much in love with her.  That said, she wants nothing to do with me anymore.  She has showed almost no signs of any feelings for me anymore and she has stated she has moved on to a new relationship.  What I don't know is if she really did or she is just telling me this because it is just too painful for her right now and she has convinced herself there is no future with me and she is done wasting time on me and our relationship.  This is very much the feeling I got from her when we exchanged stuff and said goodbye ... .and she had brought up the whole waste of time thing when she discarded me the second time.

I am just unsure if she can control the hurtful behavior because she couldn't during our relationship.  But then I gave up trying to get her to stop too ... .I let her cross boundaries I had set because I was tired of trying to keep her in bounds.  Biggest problem with me is the behavior wasn't that frequent and as a result I feel like I failed her in a way.

That said, even though I want to reconcile, I still have this fear about what a marriage/family would be like with her.  So even if reconciliation were on the table I would have to deal with that fear plus the complete destruction of my trust in her.   While I don't feel it would be impossible for us to overcome these trust and fear issues, assuming she didn't have an affair, it would require a lot of effort and person introspection on both our parts.  While I feel I am capable of this, I have my doubts if she can be honest enough with herself to make a positive self-actualizing change.

So damned many conflicting feelings, I am so emotionally exhausted from this.  At times I feel like I have accepted everything, then I'm right back at wanting to work things out.

Yeah, my ex said the same thing. I'm a waste of her time, she's moved on, etc. And later she said she thought abotu me everyday.

I also let her cross many boundaries, namely invading my privacy, because of the guilt I felt.

I want to try again because I think that, with what I have learned this past weeks about BPD behavior (even if she is undiagnosed and I'm not sure she even has it) and communication, things can be improved.

I might be walking right into a trap, probably, who knows. Still I want to believe, as naive as that may be, that things can work, that our trust in each other can be regained.

But you should do what you think is best for yourself and commit to it, give it time until the fog fades and paths become clearer.

[C.Stein]

But you should do what you think is best for yourself and commit to it, give it time until the fog fades and paths become clearer.

Well, she has shown no sign of wanting to reconcile at all or that she even has any feelings for me anymore.  She was very cold hearted when we said goodbye to each other.   This is the last contact (email) I got from her in response to a short text I had sent her about her web site being down and that I missed her.  She has not responded to any of the 4-5 emails I have sent her since we said goodbye about 6 weeks ago.  None of those emails I sent suggested we get back together, if anything the opposite.



Different paths

Thank you for all of your caring and your concern for me and my well-being.  This email is not to hurt you or written out of malice. I want you to know that I have moved on and you must do the same. Meaning that I am in a new relationship and do not wish to have any past relations be involved in my life going forward.  I didn't want to tell you before because I didn't think it was necessary, I thought you would leave me be.  Please do not call or text me anymore.

I wish you the best



The reason I question it is because there were a couple of signs that might suggest that she isn't really in a new relationship.  That said, she has not visited my website since August and she used to check it every day when we were together.

I am really conflicted and keep going back and forth between accepting it is over and it is for the best and wanting to reconcile because I am unsure if I made the right decision to let her go without a fight.

[Should I stay or...]

Different paths

Thank you for all of your caring and your concern for me and my well-being.  This email is not to hurt you or written out of malice. I want you to know that I have moved on and you must do the same. Meaning that I am in a new relationship and do not wish to have any past relations be involved in my life going forward.  I didn't want to tell you before because I didn't think it was necessary, I thought you would leave me be.  Please do not call or text me anymore.

I wish you the best

... .I think what she wrote was thoughtful and sweet, for her to reach out to you, giving you closure to your relationship, is noble. Most of us want closure, like you were given, so we can move on more freely.

I've read a lot of your post and you seem to have some guilt/remorse for this relationship ending? We all have some capability, right? Was it 50/50, was it 80/20, was it 90/10... .all of these? We need to take ownership for our behaviors too. Our behaviors cause these relationships to end as well as there's... .for better or for worse.

[C.Stein]

I think what she wrote was thoughtful and sweet, for her to reach out to you, giving you closure to your relationship, is noble. Most of us want closure, like you were given, so we can move on more freely.

I wish that were the case.  That email was in response to a text I had sent her the day before, she didn't reach out to me.  It also had nothing to do with giving me closure.  I suspect she got the text when she was with her new guy, assuming there is one.  She either wrote that because he asked her to, or she told him she would, or she just wanted me to stop texting her because it keeps reminding her of the pain she caused me and perhaps her own pain as well.    She knew damn well how much it would hurt me.  She has shown zero remorse and taken no responsibility for the part she played in the destruction of our relationship.  Hearing her do that would have given me some measure of closure.  All this email did was grind my heart into shreds and verify what I had been suspecting towards the end of our relationship ... .she was already getting involved with this new guy while we were still together.  That would in part explain how easily she has discarded me and her feelings for me.  

I've read a lot of your post and you seem to have some guilt/remorse for this relationship ending? We all have some capability, right? Was it 50/50, was it 80/20, was it 90/10... .all of these? We need to take ownership for our behaviors too. Our behaviors cause these relationships to end as well as there's... .for better or for worse.

I do have a lot of guilt and remorse.  Over the course of our relationship her hurtful behavior towards me effective pushed me away.  Every time I allowed myself to get emotionally closer to her she would hurt me again.  I see now that I slowly began to distance myself from the pain ... .and consequently her.  I allowed her to cross boundaries and I let myself begin to create distance from her, even if it wasn't a conscious decision on my part.  In any event, this is my fault.  I should have tried to find a way to better communicate with her.  When it came to important stuff like feelings the communication was mostly one way when it came to my feelings.

In the beginning of this year she admitted to a month long deception that involved numerous lies directly to my face and via text/phone.   I had no idea, she pulled it off like a pro.  This crushed me.  Then she got incredibly angry with me for being uncomfortable around her the next time I saw her.  That led to her saying, among other things, that the lesson she learned was to never admit to  deceiving me again.  She was also confident I would have never found out if she hadn't told me, which has far deeper implications.  Further she didn't think she had done anything wrong and blamed me for it.

A little while later I caught her deceiving me again and that pretty much sent me into a fairly deep depression and withdrawal.  Those times I don't think she even realized she was doing it.  The last 3 months or so we didn't spend much time together and the physical side of our relationship had stopped.  

I feel guilty because I should have communicated to her what I needed better than I did.  She was all to willing to sweep it under the rug and pretend like it didn't happen and I let her.  In this way I failed her and myself.  She kept talking about kids and family and ignored what I was going through.  She had abandon me when I needed her the most and I couldn't find a way to put it all aside one more time without some unguided action on her part.  

She knew how important honesty was to me yet she choose to put her needs ahead of my emotions again.   It literally crushed me and my trust in her was shattered.   She had become somewhat a stranger to me and I didn't really feel emotionally close to her anymore.  I needed her to pull me in and help fix the damage she had caused but she didn't, and now it appears instead of standing by my side in my time of need she went to another guy who wasn't broken.  This is what love means to her apparently.

If I were to put percentages on responsibility here for the destruction I would say it is 80/20 - her/me.