Quick Need Help She Broke NC With An Interesting Phone Call

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just got off the phone with exBPDgf, NC for 3 weeks, who called to show me a positive pregnancy test. I was speechless... .unsure of what to say other than "If this is real, you know I will be here for you". My nerves are on edge, please any words of advice or something to calm me down. No idea what to think right now. Loved this girl to the end, still do... .was starting to cope with NC and life of me. 

[LoveAndConfusion]

Just got off the phone with exBPDgf, NC for 3 weeks, who called to show me a positive pregnancy test. I was speechless... .unsure of what to say other than "If this is real, you know I will be here for you". My nerves are on edge, please any words of advice or something to calm me down. No idea what to think right now. Loved this girl to the end, still do... .was starting to cope with NC and life of me. 

[Wu-tang]

First of all, take a deep breath.

Is she with anyone just now, a rebound, an ex etc who may be the father?

Has she or can she send you a pic or her and the pregnancy test to confirm?

When was the last time you slept with her?

Has she done this before and is there anything that might have triggered her to get back in contact with you?

[LoveAndConfusion]

Deep breaths are a plenty.

To my knowledge she is not with anyone else.

She showed me the test, facetime, saw the positive mark.

Last time we slept together would have been 22 days ago.

A few months ago, while stressed, she was a few days late and we had spoken about what if she was.

Unsure of what may have triggered her to get back in contact with me. Could very well be the fact that she is over a week late.

She told me she took a test this morning, didn't register, then she did another several hours later and it showed positive. Last thing she said was that she is going to the doctor.

Part of me is hoping this is real, other part of me is saying please don't be real. 

[LoveAndConfusion]

Received the news while she was leaving the clinic that the Doctor had confirmed her HCG level indicating pregnancy. Said they gave her a bunch of info to read and that she has to a lot to think about now. Told her I'm here for her. Haven't spoken, text or voice call, since she left the clinic when she said she has things to read and ponder. Not entirely sure how to act/react when she eventually calls with the news of 'what next'. I want to tell her "I want to be with you" however I know that may be counterproductive.

Another little bit of info; I had met a different girl a few days ago and we've been chatting and flirting, which has helped me with the NC period. I haven't told this new friend anything regarding the pwBPD in my life, whom as I had stated before I do love (and miss) and would do (nearly) anything for. Also, through this NC period I have done a lot of inner searching, and can confidently announce I am at a place with me where I feel my self-respect and confidence is at levels I haven't felt in nearly a decade. But I am still unsure of how to respond to this news. It's big. I know. However, I also know that as she is a pwBPD it could be a ploy to 'get inside my head'.

I know she's been talking with an ex, that currently lives a significant distance from her (unable to have seen each other the last 6 months due to distance and his situation at home). I have had him tell me in the past that yes they aren't together but he loves her and would do anything for her which he added "I know you feel the same". Which makes me think this could be an act where she comes out saying he was there for her during the pregnancy/alternative action/loss of pregnancy, and she realized she still loves and wants to be with him again.

It may sound contradictory however, I honestly would love to be the one with this girl... .pregnancy or no pregnancy. I feel this personal growth I've undergone since initiating NC will only allow me to better handle the emotional roller coaster. I have learned that I cannot change her or save her from BPD, it is her and her alone that has that decision to make. Perhaps, this is a 'sign' that we are to be together.

Does anyone have any advice on how to communicate to her that I do love, care for and miss her without coming right out and saying the words? I do want to be with her.

[patientandclear]

I've come to see that showing, not telling, works best. Do what a person who loves her would do.

That said, how does it feel to know she is essentially using the ex, the other guy, as an emotional backstop?

[LoveAndConfusion]

How can one show love when unable to see the person?

To be honest, it hurts, a lot, knowing that she is basically using her ex as a sounding board and emotional backstop. Having him tell me several weeks ago that they had their falling out but he would do anything for her strikes fear into me knowing that she is talking with him as she may go back to him. Not to be mean, but the guy is not good for her and that's why she left him when she did. He has a history of substance abuse, violence and is not healthy himself. All things she had not only told me about but that I witnessed first hand when her and I first met (they had broken up but he was stalking her and it just was not a good situation).

Anywho, we don't live close enough to see each other often. I struggle with knowing how to show her that I love, care for and miss her. I know how her parents and siblings interact with her (as she lives far from home) and how they tell her/show her love with their texts/calls. Anytime I say something sweet/loving I am met with "stop". I had sent her flowers last week, thinking that could be a good way to show her, she responded by asking if they were from me followed by throwing them out. How can I break through to her that I am here for her, I care for her, I love her and I miss her?   

[JohnLove]

By telling her and showing her. Just like you're doing now. Love is action.

If she doesn't want to "receive" your love that could be a real problem, couldn't it?

[livednlearned]

Hi LoveAndConfusion,

Has she given you any idea what she wants?