Has anyone had success staying in a relationship with a BPD and having the skill

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I am new to this site but have spent a lot of time in the last year on another site that focused more on NPD's. I think my EXW has more BPD traits. I will try to sum up my 16 year experience the best I can.

My EX has the following traits:

1. Multiple affairs with multiple recycles.

2. Lack of empathy.

3. Risky behavior.

4. Her experiences are mostly embellished to make them better or worse depending on her mood.

5. Refuses to take responsibility for her actions, does not pay her bills or other obligations.

6. Constantly involved is some form of drama, if not hers directly she will seek out drama from friends, new acquaintances.  

7. Self mutilation, she has an open wound on her hand that she has had since she was 12, she is now 36. She turns to it when stressed and sometimes lets it heal.

These are the ones that I am most concerned about.

We were divorced in August of 2014. She was having an recycle with a man she had an affair with 9 years ago. She had asked for a divorce and the only reason she could give was that she was unhappy, no other reason was ever given. I had learned of the affair and didn't say anything, I was done.  She walked away with some cash and a few pieces of furniture. She left me everything else including most of our debt which I gladly took to see her go away. She also granted me full physical custody of our three children she has weekend visitation. I first learned about personality disorders shortly after we filed for divorce while searching the web for some answers as to why she cheated and why she would just walk away from her children. I followed suggested steps such as no contact unless related to the children. I moved on, met  nice lady and started dating and was genuinely happy again.  This is when the problems started, she was clearly bothered that I was happy and doing well without her.  She was bothered by my no contact and lack of responses to her raging cycles. This triggered a long mega charm on her part. She tried everything in the book and eventually broke me down last June. I had separated from my GF due neither one of being able to move, she lives over an hour away and we are still great friends. Me EX had not been paying any CS so the state was issuing new sanctions monthly against her, looking back I think this may have been the reason for her amazing charm. When her drivers license was suspended and the next step was contempt of court and jail time she somehow transformed herself into a wonderful person. She loved everything about me and appeared to be interested in becoming a part of our children's lives.  Knowing what I learned researching PD's I was of course skeptical.  I allowed her to move in with me and our children because she could no longer afford rent. I told her that I wasn't ready to reconcile and we would just have to see what happens. It was great having her home, she was a totally different person, like a stranger. I found it hard to resist letting my guard down. I helped her find a good job, supported her financially, I took good care of her. Once she started her new job and was making twice what she had made at her last job she changed back to her old self. By this time it had been months since my last visit to any support sites, I had convinced myself that she was fine. This was late September, I knew right away that I was entering the devalue stage. I reluctantly went back to my support site, still in denial. I realized after more research that she appeared to be someone who had BPD traits which is what led me to this site. On October 31st she baited me with one of her coworkers, she told me that he kept asking to date her.  She said she wasn't interested and that she was no longer scheduled to work with him after telling her supervisor of his advances.  I realized that I was potentially entering into a triangulation situation. I stayed calm and waited to get my next phone bill to see if she was grooming him as her next mark. My phone bill came in on the 13th, six days ago, her cell is on my plan and I am paying for it. She had been calling him and talking to him for over an hour everyday, she was pursuing him. I confronted her about seeing someone else while trying to work on us, she denied it at first. Once she realized that I had the phone records to prove it she said "We are not married".

Although she was living with me and claiming to be working on us, it looks like she was just using me! What hurts the most is her lies, she was very adamant about not being able to use her phone at work and how she wished she could call the kids while at work because she misses them so much. She works swing shifts and was not always home when the children are home from school. The phone records show her calling her new mark while at work! No less than 1 hour per day as much as 2.  I kicked her out on the spot, I told her to go stay with a mutual friend of ours and she left without any emotions at all, like a deer in headlights. She was caught and could not deny it. Such a cold person.

This brings me to my question: has anyone had success staying in a relationship with a BPD and having the skills to identify and reverse the devalue phase?  I feel confident that I could detect the changes quickly. She absolutely refuses to get therapy, we went 9 years ago after her first affair and didn't like what the therapist had to say. I only ask because we have three children together S8,D10,S14. I would also like to note that when she started devaluing me she also extended this to our children, almost like she was devaluing us as a whole if that makes sense. A big part of me is telling me to run fast! If the children were not involved I would be moving across the country, no questions asked. She may be too far along in her current mark to salvage anything, my experience with her is that she blocks out most everything when grooming someone or in a charm.  It's almost like tunnel vision, I have never been able to break her out of this trance.

If I choose to walk away for good I know I will have an uphill battle. I am currently in the calm before the storm that is for sure. My best guess is I have 2-3 months before she starts raging. I hope she tries to charm her last bf before me again, this will buy me more time. So many thoughts right now!

[Lakes311]

Hi, I am new to this site but have spent a lot of time in the last year on another site that focused more on NPD's. I think my EXW has more BPD traits. I will try to sum up my 16 year experience the best I can.

My EX has the following traits:

1. Multiple affairs with multiple recycles.

2. Lack of empathy.

3. Risky behavior.

4. Her experiences are mostly embellished to make them better or worse depending on her mood.

5. Refuses to take responsibility for her actions, does not pay her bills or other obligations.

6. Constantly involved is some form of drama, if not hers directly she will seek out drama from friends, new acquaintances.  

7. Self mutilation, she has an open wound on her hand that she has had since she was 12, she is now 36. She turns to it when stressed and sometimes lets it heal.

These are the ones that I am most concerned about.

We were divorced in August of 2014. She was having an recycle with a man she had an affair with 9 years ago. She had asked for a divorce and the only reason she could give was that she was unhappy, no other reason was ever given. I had learned of the affair and didn't say anything, I was done.  She walked away with some cash and a few pieces of furniture. She left me everything else including most of our debt which I gladly took to see her go away. She also granted me full physical custody of our three children she has weekend visitation. I first learned about personality disorders shortly after we filed for divorce while searching the web for some answers as to why she cheated and why she would just walk away from her children. I followed suggested steps such as no contact unless related to the children. I moved on, met  nice lady and started dating and was genuinely happy again.  This is when the problems started, she was clearly bothered that I was happy and doing well without her.  She was bothered by my no contact and lack of responses to her raging cycles. This triggered a long mega charm on her part. She tried everything in the book and eventually broke me down last June. I had separated from my GF due neither one of being able to move, she lives over an hour away and we are still great friends. Me EX had not been paying any CS so the state was issuing new sanctions monthly against her, looking back I think this may have been the reason for her amazing charm. When her drivers license was suspended and the next step was contempt of court and jail time she somehow transformed herself into a wonderful person. She loved everything about me and appeared to be interested in becoming a part of our children's lives.  Knowing what I learned researching PD's I was of course skeptical.  I allowed her to move in with me and our children because she could no longer afford rent. I told her that I wasn't ready to reconcile and we would just have to see what happens. It was great having her home, she was a totally different person, like a stranger. I found it hard to resist letting my guard down. I helped her find a good job, supported her financially, I took good care of her. Once she started her new job and was making twice what she had made at her last job she changed back to her old self. By this time it had been months since my last visit to any support sites, I had convinced myself that she was fine. This was late September, I knew right away that I was entering the devalue stage. I reluctantly went back to my support site, still in denial. I realized after more research that she appeared to be someone who had BPD traits which is what led me to this site. On October 31st she baited me with one of her coworkers, she told me that he kept asking to date her.  She said she wasn't interested and that she was no longer scheduled to work with him after telling her supervisor of his advances.  I realized that I was potentially entering into a triangulation situation. I stayed calm and waited to get my next phone bill to see if she was grooming him as her next mark. My phone bill came in on the 13th, six days ago, her cell is on my plan and I am paying for it. She had been calling him and talking to him for over an hour everyday, she was pursuing him. I confronted her about seeing someone else while trying to work on us, she denied it at first. Once she realized that I had the phone records to prove it she said "We are not married".

Although she was living with me and claiming to be working on us, it looks like she was just using me! What hurts the most is her lies, she was very adamant about not being able to use her phone at work and how she wished she could call the kids while at work because she misses them so much. She works swing shifts and was not always home when the children are home from school. The phone records show her calling her new mark while at work! No less than 1 hour per day as much as 2.  I kicked her out on the spot, I told her to go stay with a mutual friend of ours and she left without any emotions at all, like a deer in headlights. She was caught and could not deny it. Such a cold person.

This brings me to my question: has anyone had success staying in a relationship with a BPD and having the skills to identify and reverse the devalue phase?  I feel confident that I could detect the changes quickly. She absolutely refuses to get therapy, we went 9 years ago after her first affair and didn't like what the therapist had to say. I only ask because we have three children together S8,D10,S14. I would also like to note that when she started devaluing me she also extended this to our children, almost like she was devaluing us as a whole if that makes sense. A big part of me is telling me to run fast! If the children were not involved I would be moving across the country, no questions asked. She may be too far along in her current mark to salvage anything, my experience with her is that she blocks out most everything when grooming someone or in a charm.  It's almost like tunnel vision, I have never been able to break her out of this trance.

If I choose to walk away for good I know I will have an uphill battle. I am currently in the calm before the storm that is for sure. My best guess is I have 2-3 months before she starts raging. I hope she tries to charm her last bf before me again, this will buy me more time. So many thoughts right now!

[ArleighBurke]

You've given her a second chance and it's turned out how? You have full physical custody of the children and she has weekend visitation which is well sorted.

I think you already know the answer.

[Skip]

If I choose to walk away for good I know I will have an uphill battle. I am currently in the calm before the storm that is for sure. My best guess is I have 2-3 months before she starts raging. I hope she tries to charm her last bf before me again, this will buy me more time. So many thoughts right now!

What is the battle, Lakes311?

Custody dispute? You still love her? Kids will struggle?

Can you pinpoint this a little better?

[livednlearned]

Hi Lakes311,

Is she living with you right now, or still kicked out and staying with friends?

How are you holding up at the moment? How are the kids doing?

It can be a big sea change to go from "what can I do to fix her" to "what can I do for myself." Shoring up strength is an important part of making a BPD relationship work. You have to be clear about your values, your boundaries, and have some communication skills that are easy to learn and require a lot of practice.

It's not uncommon for our kids to develop some BPD traits, or to struggle with their feelings. Many of the skills we bring to BPD relationships can work with our kids.

Let us know how you're doing. You're not alone. We're here when you're ready to share more.

LnL