Couple of BPD-related questions

[Hopeful83]

  guys,

I have a couple of questions:

1. Do BPDs (or people with BPD traits) not remember some of the 'bad' stuff that they do? Do they 'black out' in some sense to stop themselves from feeling pain/shame? I ask because I realised that on many occasions my ex would say he couldn't remember doing something. Like when he hit me, he tried to deny it! And in general he'd forget stuff he said during a rage. I'm wondering if he was pretending not to remember (although that seems SO improbable - who doesn't remember slapping someone?) or whether he genuinely couldn't remember.

2. What is the difference between someone with BPD and someone who exhibits traits?

Any common experiences to share?

[Joem678]

Mine experienced the same things when straying.  It was odd to me and I thought she was lying but now I do believe that she didn't remember some things.   She also has memories that didn't happen or she remembers a different reality of what actually happened.

[hashtag_loyal]

1. Do BPDs (or people with BPD traits) not remember some of the 'bad' stuff that they do? Do they 'black out' in some sense to stop themselves from feeling pain/shame? I ask because I realised that on many occasions my ex would say he couldn't remember doing something. Like when he hit me, he tried to deny it! And in general he'd forget stuff he said during a rage. I'm wondering if he was pretending not to remember (although that seems SO improbable - who doesn't remember slapping someone?) or whether he genuinely couldn't remember.

I've often wondered the same question myself, and I really hope someone with more knowledge and experience can jump on this thread to share some insight.

From my perspective, I believe that is possible for someone to enter a dissociative state, in which they would be unable to remember what they did/said during that time.

However, it is very common for people (and particularly pwBPD) to lie to others, and also themselves. I think a lot of pwBPD are successful at lying to themselves, at least to a point. It can be very hard to tell if a pwBPD is deliberately lying to you in order to deceive, or if they really do "believe" something to be different than reality at that given moment. Many pwBPD continue to deny, deny, deny bad behavior even when confronted with insurmountable evidence. It's quite shocking to experience this, but is part of the disorder.

[cloudten]

 

I can only tell you my experience- which is not clinical- just experiencial.

1. Yes, mine did. This summer we realized there is actually quite a bit he doesn't remember... .and that is usually when the bad stuff happened, although we found it happened with something as mundane as ordering a sandwich. I do not know why he would black out. He doesn't know why he blacks out. It could be brain injuries. It could be split personality. It could be a coping mechanism to deal with pain or shame. But my answer there is that absolutely, yes, my BPDx blacked out- a lot. Mine never remembered his rages. Mine never remembered instances where he verbally threatened to hurt me (stab me, slit my throat, and punch me- he didn't remember those threats). I found out yesterday that mine doesn't remember the horrendous incident in vegas where i almost died. How could he not remember? It's call dissociation.  I don't think mine was pretending. When I told him about one or two incidents, he cried... .he felt (what seemed to be) remorse, although there was still no apology.  I think mine genuinely didn't remember most incidents. Its sort of sad that their subconscience takes them directly into violence. It also makes me wonder how many of the "good" things he remembered. One time we were laying in bed and he ran his finger up and down my ring finger (no ring)... .and he goes "this finger belongs to me"... .*melt my heart*... .but I asked him later if he remembered what he said to me in bed... .and he didn't remember.  :'(  So, I think we would like to believe they remember the good things... .but I think dissociation can affect both sides of their personality, even the "good" things.

2. I have no idea... .other than an official diagnosis?  Mine "exhibited symptoms" and I had diagnosed him in my mind. After one argument i called him a psychopath. It bothered him so much that he sought counseling, and tadaa... .he was diagnosed with BPD.

Hope that helps!

[SummerStorm]

Mine never remembered physically abusing her now ex-boyfriend.  She didn't remember raging at me in texts.  However, she did do some pretty awful things that she does remember.  She genuinely didn't remember ending our friendship and had to ask me what I meant when I said that we weren't friends. 

The tough thing is that she also lied to me at least once about not remembering something. 

I agree that they also tend to forget a lot of the good things as well.  I would try to reference inside jokes that we had, and she would act like she had no idea what I was talking about. 

[Hopeful83]

Hi everyone,

So they 'black out'? Is this some kind of coping mechanism for those with BPD?

I know he wasn't lying - how can you slap someone and then claim you didn't do it (literally an hour after)?

[Confused?]

Mine would claim not to remember certain things and when showed proof it happened still denied it. I think it's more of a coping mechanism than anything really. I think that their reality is so skewed that they purposely forget things happened or remember it in a different way. It is sort of like how they would blame you for things even tho you never did anything. I think it's a survival tactic to just deny things because the guilt and shame is too much to handle. A lot of people were left by their ex because they were cheating. Mine denied this to the full extent even tho I knew everything. They are just incapable of telling the truth and even when presented with cold hard facts they go to great lengths to deny it.

[guy4caligirl]

How can you trust someone that wears a mask and lie for living and thinks She or he are god's gift to the world .

Avoidance Perhaps ?

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex would literally dissociate and not remember what he had said or done.  Once we were on vacation together and I asked him to do something for me.  He replied, "No, I'm not going to do that.  It's too hard."  I didn't push it because I didn't want to ruin the trip.  Later in the day, his response was still bothering me, so I brought it up, and he literally could not remember saying that to me, and acted mortified that I thought he would say such a thing.  He apologized, still maintaining that he didn't remember saying it, and looked really affected by the guilt for a long time afterwards.

My ex was also a master of self-deception.  For example, he told me at the beginning of the relationship that he is good at saving money.  Later it emerged that he was up to his eyeballs in credit card and student loan debt.  He and his brother, with their combined income, are living at approximately half the federal poverty level.  I calculated, based on the expenses I was aware of, that he was actually spending about twice what he took in.  So clearly there is no money being "saved."  He might be putting some in a savings account, but the waves of interest that he must be racking up from not paying off that credit card debt are certainly outweighing it.  He also recently spent $700 to repair a small part on his car that is worth $1000 max.  It is like one hand doesn't know what the other is doing.  He is literally able to look at just one part of the situation (putting money in the bank) and block out all the other aspects of his financial situation so that he can feel responsible.

Consider reading up on the defense mechanism called compartmentalization.  Wikipedia has a pretty simple definition.  It allows people to do or believe conflicting things without the distress of cognitive dissonance.  My ex's financial issues are a prime example.

Most folks on here will tell you that BPD exists on a spectrum.  People with "traits" are probably on the low end of the spectrum and would probably be sub-clinical when it comes to a diagnosis.  For example, I have BPD traits, such as an intense fear of abandonment, but I don't engage in other BPD behaviors, like painting people black.  So in short, someone with BPD traits is someone who exhibits some of the behaviors of BPD, but not enough to justify a diagnosis based on DSM criteria.

[hashtag_loyal]

Mine would claim not to remember certain things and when showed proof it happened still denied it. I think it's more of a coping mechanism than anything really. I think that their reality is so skewed that they purposely forget things happened or remember it in a different way. It is sort of like how they would blame you for things even tho you never did anything. I think it's a survival tactic to just deny things because the guilt and shame is too much to handle. A lot of people were left by their ex because they were cheating. Mine denied this to the full extent even tho I knew everything. They are just incapable of telling the truth and even when presented with cold hard facts they go to great lengths to deny it.

This is so true! I've started asking my ex incremental, leading questions purely for the entertainment value. For instance:

Her: "I love you. I will always... ."

Me: "I wish you loved me enough to be open and honest about all the cheating. You had a dating profile, for crying out loud."

Her: "Well I used it to make friends because I felt lonely at work." [*No, the map of her location was centered on her apartment -- 20 miles from her work -- but I didn't have time to touch on this one.]

Her: "I feel alone. I feel like you had a lot of friends."

Her: "I just want someone to listen to me."

Her: "I didn't want to scare you away."

Me: "It said 'up for anything' sexually"

Her: "But it doesn't always mean sexually things"

Her: "Up for anything could easily mean a friend or someone just to vent to" [*No, no it couldn't. ]

Her: "<online friend> always vents to me, I don't consider her as a friend most of the time"

Me: <sends screenshot of dating profile>

Me: "It clearly says 'I'm here to date with guys 21-28'. You're not half as good at lying as you think you are."

Her: "Those are just age ranges for matches"

At this point the only thing I can do is laugh. 

[Technique]

Whenever I cornered my ex with her lies she would either go quiet, or create a false huff and say 'I don't need to stand for this... ' Then storm off...

I was so under her spell I eventually let, whatever it was, drop.

I was with her for a year between Sept 13 and Sept 14. I caught her in her first lie within a few weeks. Unfortunately I didn't realise until 10 months later. In the 14 months we've now been apart all the little things which caused knots in my stomach at the time are now making perfect sense.

Like a sucker I believed she was the person she told me she was, not the person I saw right in front of me.

Did she forget the lies she told me? Oh yeah. Most certainly. Once I knew she was a liar I knew it wouldn't last.

Still didn't stop me from pulling the plug when I should have done.

She played me, and I fell for it.

[fromheeltoheal]

1. Do BPDs (or people with BPD traits) not remember some of the 'bad' stuff that they do? Do they 'black out' in some sense to stop themselves from feeling pain/shame? I ask because I realised that on many occasions my ex would say he couldn't remember doing something. Like when he hit me, he tried to deny it! And in general he'd forget stuff he said during a rage. I'm wondering if he was pretending not to remember (although that seems SO improbable - who doesn't remember slapping someone?) or whether he genuinely couldn't remember.

We all use defense mechanisms like projection and compartmentalization, tools to navigate life; defending yourself when appropriate is normal and healthy, although defense mechanisms can be unhealthy when we don't know we're doing it and/or it's taken to the extreme.  Someone who is in a lot of psychic pain, literally has a tough time living with themselves, has to develop strong tools, the strength proportional to the pain they're in, so the compartmentalization can get so extreme that they literally don't have access to the stuff they put in that part of the brain, they can't, it hurts too much.  Call it garden variety denial, which we all do in one way or another, or call it pathological, it's a matter of degree.

2. What is the difference between someone with BPD and someone who exhibits traits?

A clinical diagnosis.  To warrant a diagnosis someone has to exhibit several of the traits consistently over time, again it's a matter of degree since we all exhibit some of the traits some of the time.  And the diagnosis is subjective, made by a professional who is trained to recognize traits, but subjective nonetheless, and complex.

The diagnosis and the mental health lingo doesn't really matter though.  Knowing what BPD is, seeing major similarities to our ex's behavior, and connecting with folks at a place like this who share similar experiences are all good things, although in the end the behavior was either acceptable to us or it wasn't, regardless of what you call it, and those of us here on the Leaving board have extracted ourselves from the influence of that behavior, good for us, and time to use it to see what we can learn about ourselves and where there's room for growth, bust our own denial, whatever's there, on the way to a bright future of our own design.

[JohnLove]

Mine would claim not to remember certain things and when showed proof it happened still denied it. I think it's more of a coping mechanism than anything really. I think that their

This is so true! I've started asking my ex incremental, leading questions purely for the entertainment value. For instance:

Her: "I love you. I will always... ."

Me: "I wish you loved me enough to be open and honest about all the cheating. You had a dating profile, for crying out loud."

Her: "Well I used it to make friends because I felt lonely at work." [*No, the map of her location was centered on her apartment -- 20 miles from her work -- but I didn't have time to touch on this one.]

Her: "I feel alone. I feel like you had a lot of friends."

Her: "I just want someone to listen to me."

Her: "I didn't want to scare you away."

Me: "It said 'up for anything' sexually"

Her: "But it doesn't always mean sexually things"

Her: "Up for anything could easily mean a friend or someone just to vent to" [*No, no it couldn't. ]

Her: "<online friend> always vents to me, I don't consider her as a friend most of the time"

Me: <sends screenshot of dating profile>

Me: "It clearly says 'I'm here to date with guys 21-28'. You're not half as good at lying as you think you are."

Her: "Those are just age ranges for matches"

At this point the only thing I can do is laugh.  

Phew!... .I have been on the receiving end of such treatment. It boggles the mind what planet these "humans" are living on. I'm glad you were detached enough to endure the loaded questions, but you are right... .laugh is probably all you could do.

I noticed you dropped a few disagreements along the way, but how can you have a straight conversation with anybody like this?... .no logic, no rationality, no accountability, it's all bending, twisting, all utter freaking madness.

They seem to think they can reinterpret other people's feelings, and change things on the fly to how they now want them to be, all while convincing you how to feel... .?

Thanks for posting. I think I just got 5c worth of my sanity back.

[joeramabeme]

They seem to think they can reinterpret other people's feelings, and change things on the fly to how they now want them to be, all while convincing you how to feel... .?

@JohnLove I really belly laughed out loud when I read this, thanks.  As difficult as all this is, when I see it on paper all I can think is that it is too absurd to be true and must be a comedy, but know it is not.

@hopeful, looks like you got a lot of response to question 1, of which I relate to all of it!

As far as "What is the difference between someone with BPD and someone who exhibits traits?"  My understanding, and it may not be accurate, is that the term "pwBPD traits" is used primarily b/c many of our significant others have never been formally diagnosed and we are not qualified to give a diagnosis. 

I became comfortable with using the term because my 2bxuBPDw has never been diagnosed but has enacted most of the BPD traits that are outlined in the SWOE book. 

Also, it prevents us from simply labeling someone which is not PC 

[hashtag_loyal]

Thanks for posting. I think I just got 5c worth of my sanity back.

You are very welcome. I have found that finding the hidden humor in everything has greatly helped with the healing. 

I noticed you dropped a few disagreements along the way, but how can you have a straight conversation with anybody like this?

Honestly, you don't. Part of me hopes that if I call her out on her BS enough times in a supportive way she might somehow gain a little insight. But nah, that will probably never happen. The reality is I converse with her purely for educational and/or inadvertently comedic purposes only.

[Hopeful83]

Thanks everyone for the responses. Makes a lot of sense.

We all use defense mechanisms like projection and compartmentalization, tools to navigate life; defending yourself when appropriate is normal and healthy, although defense mechanisms can be unhealthy when we don't know we're doing it and/or it's taken to the extreme.  Someone who is in a lot of psychic pain, literally has a tough time living with themselves, has to develop strong tools, the strength proportional to the pain they're in, so the compartmentalization can get so extreme that they literally don't have access to the stuff they put in that part of the brain, they can't, it hurts too much.  Call it garden variety denial, which we all do in one way or another, or call it pathological, it's a matter of degree.

Thinking of all the pain he is in makes me feel a little bit sad, although it shouldn't - he knew he had an issue and he refused to get help for it. He spent two of the three years we were together raging at me on a weekly basis and in the end turned around and told me that his rages were due to the frustration he'd felt in the relationship. Thank goodness I know that this isn't true; I don't know how someone who isn't at least a bit clued up on psychology would have dealt with his horrible projection in the end.

Anyway, thanks again. All these responses answer my questions

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks everyone for the responses. Makes a lot of sense.

We all use defense mechanisms like projection and compartmentalization, tools to navigate life; defending yourself when appropriate is normal and healthy, although defense mechanisms can be unhealthy when we don't know we're doing it and/or it's taken to the extreme.  Someone who is in a lot of psychic pain, literally has a tough time living with themselves, has to develop strong tools, the strength proportional to the pain they're in, so the compartmentalization can get so extreme that they literally don't have access to the stuff they put in that part of the brain, they can't, it hurts too much.  Call it garden variety denial, which we all do in one way or another, or call it pathological, it's a matter of degree.

Thinking of all the pain he is in makes me feel a little bit sad, although it shouldn't - he knew he had an issue and he refused to get help for it. He spent two of the three years we were together raging at me on a weekly basis and in the end turned around and told me that his rages were due to the frustration he'd felt in the relationship. Thank goodness I know that this isn't true; I don't know how someone who isn't at least a bit clued up on psychology would have dealt with his horrible projection in the end.

Anyway, thanks again. All these responses answer my questions

It's appropriate to feel sadness towards someone we cared about who is in pain; a borderline is not their disorder, and life is especially difficult for someone with it.  When you fully process the fallout of being raged at and projected upon, take your power back and find a new peace, you might find yourself having compassion for him, but we need to take care of ourselves first, the most important parts including what in us made it OK to be raged at over a period of time and not leave?

[Hopeful83]

Thanks everyone for the responses. Makes a lot of sense.

We all use defense mechanisms like projection and compartmentalization, tools to navigate life; defending yourself when appropriate is normal and healthy, although defense mechanisms can be unhealthy when we don't know we're doing it and/or it's taken to the extreme.  Someone who is in a lot of psychic pain, literally has a tough time living with themselves, has to develop strong tools, the strength proportional to the pain they're in, so the compartmentalization can get so extreme that they literally don't have access to the stuff they put in that part of the brain, they can't, it hurts too much.  Call it garden variety denial, which we all do in one way or another, or call it pathological, it's a matter of degree.

Thinking of all the pain he is in makes me feel a little bit sad, although it shouldn't - he knew he had an issue and he refused to get help for it. He spent two of the three years we were together raging at me on a weekly basis and in the end turned around and told me that his rages were due to the frustration he'd felt in the relationship. Thank goodness I know that this isn't true; I don't know how someone who isn't at least a bit clued up on psychology would have dealt with his horrible projection in the end.

Anyway, thanks again. All these responses answer my questions

It's appropriate to feel sadness towards someone we cared about who is in pain; a borderline is not their disorder, and life is especially difficult for someone with it.  When you fully process the fallout of being raged at and projected upon, take your power back and find a new peace, you might find yourself having compassion for him, but we need to take care of ourselves first, the most important parts including what in us made it OK to be raged at over a period of time and not leave?

Hey fromheeltoheal

Yeah, you're right. I'm already starting to get to the compassionate stage. Particularly this last week or so; the sting really has gone and I'm starting to see things a lot more objectively. It hurts me to think he's hurting, but like you said we have take care of ourselves first. This is the mistake I made in the relationship - I put him before myself, and it all blew up in my face. But it is what it is; I'm grateful for this experience as it brought to the surface a load of stuff I hadn't even realised that I needed to deal with.

Hopeful

[fromheeltoheal]

But it is what it is; I'm grateful for this experience as it brought to the surface a load of stuff I hadn't even realised that I needed to deal with.

Yep, there's the gift of the relationship, and good for you!  Teachers come in interesting packages sometimes, yes?

[Hopeful83]

But it is what it is; I'm grateful for this experience as it brought to the surface a load of stuff I hadn't even realised that I needed to deal with.

Yep, there's the gift of the relationship, and good for you!  Teachers come in interesting packages sometimes, yes?

Yes, and often the most painful ones are the most important lessons I suppose

[cloudten]

Most folks on here will tell you that BPD exists on a spectrum.  People with "traits" are probably on the low end of the spectrum and would probably be sub-clinical when it comes to a diagnosis.  For example, I have BPD traits, such as an intense fear of abandonment, but I don't engage in other BPD behaviors, like painting people black.  So in short, someone with BPD traits is someone who exhibits some of the behaviors of BPD, but not enough to justify a diagnosis based on DSM criteria.

I want to touch on one thing here real quick. I have struggled with wondering if I have BPD and stuff since I first discovered it a year ago. I am not BPD though.

An intense fear of abandonment isn't a symptom solely from BPD.  If you have a narcissistic mother, especially if you are a girl (daughter), it is highly likely that you can have an intense fear of abandonment that does not translate into BPD, due to the neglect or engulfing of the narcissistic mother. 

I am sure there are other reasons someone can have an intense fear of abandonment that does not stem from a personality disorder- but I am not enough of an expert to know what those would be.

[cloudten]

Thanks for posting. I think I just got 5c worth of my sanity back.

You are very welcome. I have found that finding the hidden humor in everything has greatly helped with the healing. 

I noticed you dropped a few disagreements along the way, but how can you have a straight conversation with anybody like this?

Honestly, you don't. Part of me hopes that if I call her out on her BS enough times in a supportive way she might somehow gain a little insight. But nah, that will probably never happen. The reality is I converse with her purely for educational and/or inadvertently comedic purposes only.

You should video tape some of them- not only for humorous value... .but so that you have an actual reminder when things go to NC... why you should stay NC.  That is one regret I have- I wish I had video taped one or two of his rages... .simply to be able to remind myself now... .week 7 NC

[fromheeltoheal]

I want to touch on one thing here real quick. I have struggled with wondering if I have BPD and stuff since I first discovered it a year ago. I am not BPD though.

An intense fear of abandonment isn't a symptom solely from BPD.  If you have a narcissistic mother, especially if you are a girl (daughter), it is highly likely that you can have an intense fear of abandonment that does not translate into BPD, due to the neglect or engulfing of the narcissistic mother.  

I am sure there are other reasons someone can have an intense fear of abandonment that does not stem from a personality disorder- but I am not enough of an expert to know what those would be.

The traits of the disorder exist on a continuum and we all exhibit some of them some of the time, plus when we hang out with a borderline for a while we can adopt some of the traits, as survival tools in the relationship, but also something to look at as we detach.

So it's a matter of degree.  To warrant a diagnosis, someone needs to exhibit several of the traits consistently over time, in a professional's subjective opinion, and most folks who exhibit significant traits wouldn't qualify for a diagnosis of the disorder, but they're hell to live with anyway.

Every human fears abandonment on some level.  We're social animals, we need other people in our lives, and to be outcast or ostracized hurts us to our core and could kill us, which it literally did in hunter/gatherer times, which has been most of our evolution.  So abandonment sucks, and the best way to be cared about by people is to care about people, and also be smart about it, care about the right people, the ones who can reciprocate, lessons learned in borderline school.

[hashtag_loyal]

You should video tape some of them- not only for humorous value... .but so that you have an actual reminder when things go to NC... why you should stay NC.  That is one regret I have- I wish I had video taped one or two of his rages... .simply to be able to remind myself now... .week 7 NC

My ex is a waif, so fortunately I don't have to worry about rages. Pitiful sobbing? Yes. Rages? No.

Most of my contact with her is through text, and yes, that is partly to ensure a record of everything said. Believe me, I read and re-read all of the old texts... .The better to protect myself lest I ever be tempted to accept another horse from the Trojans to "make up for" the last one... .

[abhi2940]

Mine would forget everything about raging episode the very next day. She would behave as if nothing has happened. Apology was out of question. Fearing another attack of rage or losing her i would never ask for an explanation for such inappropriate behavior. A part of it is intentional denial and part of it is dissociation. They are not their self  when they rage. Yet looking closely at the raging episodes they do  calculate how far should they go and are very careful about heir surroundings. Once in rage she stripped in the car threatening me but at the same time she was careful that no one was seeing. Very confusing indeed and at  times scary  They play mind games knowing very well what would  upset most their significant ones and bring them to his/her knees. Its their ultimate aim. Control, manipulation and getting what they need...

  After my encounter with my BPDGF I am now better equipped to notice BPD traits in many. In fact I am surprised to find so many. Common things people with BPD traits have are

They do not have any stable relationship.

they have  mood swings more than normal.

they find faults with others.

they would never accept their faults.

they behave very sweetly in front of strangers.

they get angry very fast and calm down fast.

they have little remorse for their bad behavior.

They are very rude when angry.

they are suspicious.

They do not feel about a broken relationship as much as a normal person would feel.

They are interested about themselves in fact selfish.

they love to be appreciated and would never appreciate others.

[Wu-tang]

Whenever I cornered my ex with her lies she would either go quiet, or create a false huff and say 'I don't need to stand for this... ' Then storm off...

I was so under her spell I eventually let, whatever it was, drop.

I was with her for a year between Sept 13 and Sept 14. I caught her in her first lie within a few weeks. Unfortunately I didn't realise until 10 months later. In the 14 months we've now been apart all the little things which caused knots in my stomach at the time are now making perfect sense.

Like a sucker I believed she was the person she told me she was, not the person I saw right in front of me.

Did she forget the lies she told me? Oh yeah. Most certainly. Once I knew she was a liar I knew it wouldn't last.

Still didn't stop me from pulling the plug when I should have done.

She played me, and I fell for it.

Bingo!

Hit. Nail. On. Head.

Identical behaviour exhibited by my exgf. Once I knew she was a liar I knew it wouldn't last but ultimately so did she. I think that's what started the discard.

[C.Stein]

Once I knew she was a liar I knew it wouldn't last but ultimately so did she. I think that's what started the discard.

I think that is what happened with my ex too.  She decided on her own that I would never trust her again, which wasn't necessarily true.  She broke me and then gave up on me.   She showed zero concern for my emotional well being or feelings after a month long elaborate deception.  Her doing that has been very hard for me to accept because I thought she genuinely cared for me.

[Wu-tang]

Once I knew she was a liar I knew it wouldn't last but ultimately so did she. I think that's what started the discard.

I think that is what happened with my ex too.  She decided on her own that I would never trust her again, which wasn't necessarily true.  She broke me and then gave up on me.   She showed zero concern for my emotional well being or feelings after a month long elaborate deception.  Her doing that has been very hard for me to accept because I thought she genuinely cared for me.

Towards the end, my ex kept saying that I would never trust her and that she had been too honest with me at the start about her cheating on her fiancee. I tried to tell her it wasn't about her behaviour before our relationship but rather what she was doing when she was with me but she couldn't compute that! For a long time I was trying to work out if she actually cared about me. I've come to the conclusion that, in her own way, she did. But not like how your or me might genuinely care for someone. Because of the way she is wired it was easier for her to discard. Don't forget, a lot of their behaviour is very selfish and only serves to protect them with little regard for the consequences of others.

I've not heard a snip from her since we split (other than a cold birthday text). This just reinforces to me she isn't right in the head. After an intense year long relationship to be able to discard without as much as a few empathetic 'winding down' texts is not normal. This is bolstered by the fact she has so freely moved on to someone else and is beginning the cycle all over again.