Did your ex not like their body or didn't think they were pretty?

[groundbreaker]

Something I found to be really odd was how much my ex hated her body but at the same time was obsessed at looking in the mirror and making sure she "looked good for me".  (this also relates to her childhood trauma.)

She was an easy 8.5 and very petite. Not likely any guy would turn her down based on looks.

[juniorswailing]

My ex is, I think, stunning.

She is an ex model, dancer and gymnast and in good shape.

I used to tell her she would make a bin liner look good.

She was never happy with her body or appearance.

[Schermarhorn]

Something I found to be really odd was how much my ex hated her body but at the same time was obsessed at looking in the mirror and making sure she "looked good for me".  (this also relates to her childhood trauma.)

She was an easy 8.5 and very petite. Not likely any guy would turn her down based on looks.

Mine was very short. 4'10", but really cute.

One night she kept talking about how ugly she thought she was. She was pointed out every flaw she had.

I tried my best to comfort her then, but she was really upset that night.

[hashtag_loyal]

My ex was the classic waif. I really had to get on her just to get her to take basic care of her appearance (or basic hygiene, for that matter.)

I think she had no clue how attractive she was. I think that's part of why she needed constant attention/validation from the opposite sex.

[Bigmd]

Wow this is first time I saw a post like this. Mine was same way, very insecure. Whenever I called her sexy she would tell me not to say that. I thought she was joking but now it makes sense. She said it put too much pressure on her to keep it up. I always told her she was beautiful because to me she was . Had a hard time taking compliments. But she also never told me her real age.

[MakingMyWay]

Mine was a waif. She didn't like her body, or would go between liking some bits one week and then hating them the next. As usual, no matter what I said would make her feel better.

[Lonely_Astro]

Mine was very cute: redhead, freckles, curvy (in that cheerleader way), tanned, bodacious behind, great skin, former beauty queen.  I always told her that she could make a burlap bag look awesome, but I preferred for her to skip the bag (I reveled in seeing her nude).  I would say cheesy one liners all the time to her to make her laugh and also as my way to compliment her (and I did serious ones to, but she always told me she liked my sense of humor).

She always hated her appearance, especially if she was nude.  She would have clothes on practically immediately after sex was over.  Sometimes I wondered how she got dressed so fast, it was that quick most of the time.  She told me on many occasions it was because she hated how she looked.  Though, if I had a body like hers (and were a woman!), I wouldn't stop looking at myself naked.  While she demonstrates NPD characteristics from time to time, I am convinced more so that she has body dysmorphic issues, as she will obsess about her appearance (her breast weren't large enough, her stomach not flat enough, etc.).

It's sad because of how beautiful she really is.  If her mom made a nasty comment to her about her appearance, that would make it even worse (her mom is a momster, I've personally been around for it so I know its true).

[troisette]

My ex is male. Very good looking I think. He cannot bear to see photos of himself, or to look at himself in a mirror. He does not think he is good looking and quite often wondered out loud what I saw in him. He described himself as "an ugly lump" - I'd say he was self-loathing of his body. Definitely distortion of perception.

Yet he took great care of his style, as an art director he knew how to package his "look" and this was very important to him. To present the right image.

So internally self-loathing. Externally a cool looking dude.

An interesting question: I'm only just learning about BPD (this was my first encounter) and I didn't realise this could be part of it.

[fred6]

If I told my ex that she looked pretty or beautiful she would get that look in her eye and get pissed off. She had no self esteem whatsoever.

[steve195915]

My BPDgf seems ok with her body.  She's very sexy but when I complement her she says not to say that. 

[Lonely_Astro]

My BPDgf seems ok with her body.  She's very sexy but when I complement her she says not to say that. 

Mine didn't like to be called sexy, either.  Beautiful or pretty was ok, sexy was grounds for a fight.  I always equated it to the fact that she was always upset that guys were only interested in sleeping with her (what she told me many times).  It was like the words beauty and pretty meant you loved her, sexy meant you saw her as an object.

[pumpkin79]

My ex has an eating disorder and has a beautiful face, but too thin.  She always thought she was fat and when I told her she was pretty, she would say, "Gross."

[SummerStorm]

Mine always wanted me to tell her how sexy she was.  I called her beautiful once, and she broke down into tears and told me not to call her that.  I called her cute once, and it flattered her.  She also told me she felt self-conscious whenever I looked at her.

She would go back and forth between thinking she was gorgeous and sexy and thinking she wasn't.  We went to a restaurant when we were just friends, and the waiter kept flirting with her.  She got really annoyed.  She went to a party with her now ex-boyfriend and spent most of the night flirting with the other guys there.  Once, she told me she was sorry that I was so into her "out of shape body."  Another time, she told me she deliberately walked slowly out of my classroom once because she wanted me to "check out her sweet ass." 

I told her I preferred her without makeup and that I didn't care if she gained weight, and she called me her "sweet love" and said that I always said what she wanted to hear and actually meant it (completely true, I have to say).  That being said, she wore makeup all the time and took forever to get ready for work.  She couldn't stand coming to work without makeup.

To this day, I still think that she is one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. 

[Wu-tang]

My BPDgf seems ok with her body.  She's very sexy but when I complement her she says not to say that. 

Mine didn't like to be called sexy, either.  Beautiful or pretty was ok, sexy was grounds for a fight.  I always equated it to the fact that she was always upset that guys were only interested in sleeping with her (what she told me many times).  It was like the words beauty and pretty meant you loved her, sexy meant you saw her as an object.

My ex said she hated when guys gave her attention as it made her feel like an object (she actually revelled in it and it made her feel wanted). She was beautiful, size 8, nice bust, blonde hair with blue/green wyes with a sexy little polish accent. She always thought she was fat though and hated her ass. She was slightly overweight as a child and retained that mentality.

Strangely, I always felt her personality changed when she put her full makeup on and got dressed to go out. It's like she went from waif to having an injection of confidence and slightly 'man-eaterish'. Anyone else find that?

[cloudten]

mine was black and white on the issue of himself. he didn't think he was attractive but then had moments where he was a gleaming narcissist. "i'm too sexy for you" or "I'm too pretty for jail" or any number of narcissistic comments. But then he would always accuse me/himself of not being attractive enough for me. Huh?  I thought he was a steady 8... .maybe 9 at times. He was perfect to me. I was plenty attracted. Definitely the hottest guy I have ever scored.

[SummerStorm]

I forgot to add that, as her relationship with her now ex-boyfriend progressed, she began to let herself go, gained weight, started dressing like a bum, and stopped combing her hair. 

In the past two months, she's gone back and forth between looking good and looking bad.  Her weight fluctuates a lot; she's always had issues with food. 

[Michelle27]

My ex (male) was not a classically good looking guy.  He likened himself to Drew Carey when we were first talking online and it wasn't far off.  He also later (and he and his buddies joked about it all the time) called himself "Bubbles" from Trailer Park Boys.  When I met him, I was well over 300 lbs (at 5'2" and in my mind, looks weren't important.  He never really cared about his appearance other than having a decent haircut almost all the time.  He also fluctuated up and down in weight and lost all interest in personal hygiene for many years of our 15 years together.  He showered on his first night of work (he worked out of town 4 out of 8 days and would stay with his sister or Dad for his workdays) and maybe once when he was home if I was lucky.  There was a period of about 5 years in which he brushed his teeth once a month when I begged him too.  He also put deoderant on once a week or so and always stunk of BO.  Drove me crazy. 

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex was not physically attractive in any traditional sense whatsoever.  He is short, very thin, and dresses out of Goodwill or the grocery store clothes section.  No fashion sense whatsoever, and says that he has no clue how to use cologne or anything like that.  He would show up on dates in a t-shirt, jeans, and awkward baseball cap when I was wearing a dress.  According to an optometrist friend of ours, his glasses are from the women's section.

He shaves intermittently and has long hair -- VERY long hair.  He has a rough complexion from having acne growing up.

He had generally good hygiene, though, and always smelled really good.

If you look up the Canadian actor Brent Carver playing Ichabod Crane, you'll get a pretty good idea.

He hates looking at pictures of himself.  I took a picture of him on vacation once and sent it to him and it really bothered him.

There is one body part that he talked about as a point of pride.  I bet you can't guess which one.  Then he'd get really sheepish for bringing it up.

[ShatteredSoul]

  I was always raised to be respectful and honest. I told my BPDexgf all the time how much i loved her and how beautiful she was. When i 1st met her she was 5'7" 115lbs. Short redish black hair, pale skin, big crystal blue eyes and the softest skin. She was honestly the most amazing woman i ever met. Through the years her look changed, her style of clothing changed and her weight was up and down. Bottom line through it ALL, i still told her honestly from my heart that she was still the most beautiful woman in my eyes. I always told her i did'nt fall in love with you looks or your body, I fell in love with you! If you were 300lbs i would be there with you... .I honestly meant it.  But the more and more i would compliment her and tell her how great she looked and so i thought built her confidence up, the more she would just roll her eyes at me or very rarely look at me and say thanks and give me a kiss. She was not the best at taking compliments and she never was comfortable with her looks. I use to tell her just put on some sweats and one of my t-shirts and you'd still be a 10. She would just shake her head and call me "crazy"... .  Ironic huh?

But as i'm learning more and more from everyone on here, I fell in love with an illusion. But i can still say that was one hell of an illusion.

[GreenEyedMonster]

On an interesting side note, my ex has really yellow teeth.  He told me once that a dental hygienist he met as a teenager told him that drinking coffee would stain his teeth.  He said that woman should have been fired for saying that.  Do you think he was self-conscious about his smile?  Nahhhh 

[NoNoNo]

interesting thread for me, as this is a bizarre issue with my BPDexg. i had never been with someone so troubled with her body. she is very attractive,  everyone thinks she's hot but has suffered from anorexia for almost all her adult life. in intimate situations, she is totally ashamed of her body, never allows anyone to see her fully naked, not even during sex, which was super awkward to me. at the same time, with the filter of clothes, sunglasses, make up, etc... .she would be totally sure of herself, in perfect control of her body. she would not eat but every other aspect of her body and appearance would be taken care of.   

just like troisette's: internally self-loathing. Externally a cool looking

just like Lonely_Astro's: She would have clothes on practically immediately after sex was over.

just like gorudnbreaker's: Something I found to be really odd was how much my ex hated her body

just like  Wu-tang's  : Strangely, I always felt her personality changed when she put her full makeup on and got dressed to go out.

[Little oak]

Mine felt threatened by my previous partner,felt she was more beautiful. My BPD ex always complained about her looks and body,and the physical ailments were something else. It was constant stomach pains,constant skin problems. She said it was stress that caused irritable bowel... .but she is fine now going to the gym and drinking. I believe she was in pain but the pain stemmed from her mind

[Someguywrote]

My ex was completely insecure about her looks, especially her body. I think she's gorgeous, but her biggest strength is that she photographs well. Like, looks better in pictures than in person. I'm a very attractive dude, but it does not translate to pictures.

So to feed her need for validation, she's constantly on instagram chasing likes and flattering comments. It always bothered me, her need for validation from strangers. Like, who gives AF about "followers"?

But truth is she's insecure about every part of her being. Physical appearance is just the easiest place to receive flattery.

[Beach_Babe]

My ex loved himself. He would often make self-depreciating statements  however for sympathy and attention.

[SummerStorm]

Someone mentioned pictures, and this brought another thought to my mind. 

Did your pwBPD smile in pictures?  Mine always takes these really fake, posed pictures with boyfriends, and she always has the same smile.  Seriously, you could take all of her "couple" pictures from the past year, with four different guys, line them up, and the only thing that would be different is the guy's face.   

But when she takes a picture of just her, she rarely smiles.  She used to send me pictures all the time, and I would always compliment her on how cute, gorgeous, etc. she looked in them, because she did, but she was never smiling, and it always made me sad.  I'm talking about not smiling at all, not even a grin.   

Before I saw her in pictures with guys, I thought that she maybe didn't smile because she is self-conscious about her teeth.  Her front teeth are really straight and nice, but she's had a lot of issues with her molars (root canals, fillings, false teeth, etc.).  She's only 23 and has had just about as much dental work done as my mother, who's almost 70.  So, even though she has a nice smile, I thought that maybe she felt like she didn't, since she's had so much dental work done.  But I'm now wondering if she smiles in pictures with other people to give the appearance that she's happy, even though she is constantly hurting inside.  When she's by herself, she doesn't have to pretend.

[Little oak]

To be fair I dont smile in pictures,absolutely will do anything to avoid them,but my ex in her pics looks blank and her eyes just empty

[SummerStorm]

To be fair I dont smile in pictures,absolutely will do anything to avoid them,but my ex in her pics looks blank and her eyes just empty

Mine takes pictures all the time.  Every time she is with her new boyfriend, she takes multiple pictures and posts them on FB and Instagram.  She has hundreds of selfies.  In the years prior to her BPD traits showing up, she would post goofy pictures with friends and family and would smile all the time.  Then, right around the time of her first suicide attempt, the only time she would smile would be when she was with boyfriends or in situations when everyone else in the picture was smiling.  When she was living with family friends last fall, she posted a picture with them during Thanksgiving, and she was smiling.  It's like she knows that it's common for people to smile in pictures with other people, so she does.

But when it's just her, everything is blank, like you described.  It's only been like this for the past three or four years.  And really, even in the pictures with boyfriends, there's something missing.  Every smile is exactly the same, like she just pastes it on.   

[Little oak]

I don't use any form of social media,the closest thing I use is wats app,I have now deleted her but she would be changing pictures on her profile regularly,she never used to do this,one was her all dressed up with her sister but she was almost in the back ground shying away and yes just blank almost with no expression,she then took a picture of her face and you can see pain in her eyes,no emotion just a glazed glassy look,it's really sad. They say a persons eyes are the gateway to their souls and the eyes tell all. I feel bad for her,want to comfort her because I feel that's what she wants but at the same time she won't allow it,pushes me away. I've said some horrible things and have retaliated and want to apologise but now I am nc,I can't see or speak to her for both our benefit

[SummerStorm]

I don't use any form of social media,the closest thing I use is wats app,I have now deleted her but she would be changing pictures on her profile regularly,she never used to do this,one was her all dressed up with her sister but she was almost in the back ground shying away and yes just blank almost with no expression,she then took a picture of her face and you can see pain in her eyes,no emotion just a glazed glassy look,it's really sad. They say a persons eyes are the gateway to their souls and the eyes tell all. I feel bad for her,want to comfort her because I feel that's what she wants but at the same time she won't allow it,pushes me away. I've said some horrible things and have retaliated and want to apologise but now I am nc,I can't see or speak to her for both our benefit

Yes, just no emotion and a glazed over look.  A month ago, she posted a pic, and I was absolutely taken aback when I saw it.  It shocked me.  She had dark makeup on around her eyes that extended below them, bleached out hair that looked very damaged, no smile, and completely empty eyes.  In the past few weeks, she's looked a little better, but it's all the same posed pictures like the ones she's been posting for years.  Also, they are always taken inside her apartment or her boyfriend's apartment, never outside or at any special event.  The only ones that broke the mold recently were from a bar and a restaurant.

I like having my picture taken and don't mind looking really goofy.  I prefer to look different in each one, have a slightly different smile or facial expression.  A few weeks ago, a friend and I were taking selfies on her last day at work, and each one is completely different.  In one, I pretended to look really mad in the background of the picture, like I was screaming.  Meanwhile, she was smiling like nothing was happening behind her.  It was hilarious.  It was spontaneous. 

[groundbreaker]

interesting thread for me, as this is a bizarre issue with my BPDexg. i had never been with someone so troubled with her body. she is very attractive,  everyone thinks she's hot but has suffered from anorexia for almost all her adult life. in intimate situations, she is totally ashamed of her body, never allows anyone to see her fully naked, not even during sex, which was super awkward to me. at the same time, with the filter of clothes, sunglasses, make up, etc... .she would be totally sure of herself, in perfect control of her body. she would not eat but every other aspect of her body and appearance would be taken care of.  

just like troisette's: internally self-loathing. Externally a cool looking

just like Lonely_Astro's: She would have clothes on practically immediately after sex was over.

just like gorudnbreaker's: Something I found to be really odd was how much my ex hated her body

just like  Wu-tang's  : Strangely, I always felt her personality changed when she put her full makeup on and got dressed to go out.

My ex has anorexia as well, she was a ballet dancer so a lot of self image was created in front of that dance mirror. Coupled with some childhood trauma with the doctors and anorexia, then in her late teens early 20s got hooked on adderall. Then I dealt with that for 5 years hoping I could help support her to get through all her past and her addiction. Then after the breakup I started looking up addictions and came across BPD and then so many flags started showing up.

My ex wouldn't show me her butt for like 3 years. She was always so self conscious. I could totally admire her booty and tell her how much I loved it but she would still never really let me see it. Finally she started feeling comfortable with me about it. She would have major episodes about being anorexic when she was taking pills and shouting "you don't know what it was like be 45lbs" It's that trauma when she was younger that fuels her BPD and addiction.

It sucks because she's beautiful and no matter what I said, she always thought I "wanted somebody else".

The first year in our relationship she found out I had watched porn. That threw her for a loop. Even though I never watched it afterwards. (my last girl didnt mind). She thought she wasn't good enough because I looked at porn. No amount of anything would have her believe I wanted her more than any girl in porn. I'm not trying to make excuses that why I stopped watching it. She was all I wanted I wouldn't jeopardize our relationship over porn. Especially since how attracted I was to her. After that she compared herself to other women with me. She even tried to change herself to be like a porn star with me. I was like cut that crap out. I only wanted her and who she was not some random girl.

Overall she knew she was pretty but she had self loathing and various self esteem issues. Which she always try to make me be the person that caused it.