Aftermath from being discarded

[Itstopsnow]

I feel terrible, I should feel free. I dated him 18 months. Come to find out the last 6 months he had a second girlfriend. I guess he was in the period of finding my replacement. Is that normal of people with BPD? He likely cheated on me all throughout our relationship. But even after we broke up before I knew about this girl. He was still hanging out with me . Doing overnight trips. I guess to keep the door open to come back. When everything hit the fan. And she found out. He tried to run to her telling her he loved her and didn't want me. I don't logically want him back. But I can't believe he cheated for 18 months and felt nothing for me. No remorse or guilt or even try to tell me he was sorry. She didn't take him back. And he was actually likely dating at least 2 or 3 other girls at that time. We spent so much time together, everyday! All our trips. He was so clingy and needy and most times seemed to love me so much. I still don't know if he was a sociopath or BPD? I want to know, because I want to know if it ever did or will bother him! I hope he's a borderline. Because those sociopaths get off Scott free. Any suggestions? Was it all fake?

[cloudten]

 

Welcome to the board. You're in the right place for figuring it out.

I certainly understand exactly how you feel finding out about the other girl. It is devastating and hurts so badly. You are completely justified in your feelings... .you're not over reacting or crazy. 

My dBPDxbf did exactly that to me for a year. It was at least 6 months before I figured it out. he would tell me he dumped her but wouldn't. He just wouldn't give her up. Now, of course, I understand that he had a fear of abandonment. But, my BPDx always had girls on the wings.

I cannot answer your question about the validity of his supposed feelings... .but I certainly understand the feeling- wondering what was real and what was not real. I am not sure you will ever have any answers for that. You might want to just decide now that there are some things that will always be a mystery.

Have you read over the diagnosis criteria? Does he fit any of those?

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

[Itstopsnow]

I'm in therapy, I just can't wrap my mind around it. He was with me everyday and would go home around 7:30pm to go to bed by 9pm for work and would see her. We went on 5 major vacations and many weekend trips. He threw away everything. I think he may be s sociopath bc he had no guilt to him ever. He spit in my face in August and we actually broke up then. But he had her over that night and had sex with her. No regard for me at all. And when started to talk again in September he acted as if he just started to date this girl and he wasn't into her. Said she was below average and heavy and had no personality. She actually was very nice. I think she is pretty by her Facebook pics. He was just trying to keep us both. He stole my check book. I cancelled my checks. That's why I think he may just be a sociopath . But I was with him 18 months . Really 20 if you count the two months we weren't official . But during that time I would peg him a BPD, it was only the last 3 months that he became so out of control. I never knew him at all I guess. I shouldn't care. I just was wondering if he ever really loved me. There were so many ups and downs. But I loved our good times and I'm forever heartbroken . And he doesn't seem to care at all

[Mutt]

He was so clingy and needy

Hi Itstopsnow,

I see that you have made the connection with lack of empathy with BPD and ASPD psychopathology but what jumps out at me in your post with your exBPDbf is his clingy behavior. It is suggested with clinical theorists that a core criterion for BPD are disturbed attachment patterns unresolved, preoccupied and fearful which supports the central diagonistic criterion for unstable interpersonal relationships; a pwBPD long for emotional intimacy and are fearful of rejection.

Attachment Studies with Borderline Patients: A Review

[Herodias]

Be glad you found out now... .I was with mine for 8 years, married 7 and found out he was cheating and/or  trying to through the whole r/s. It's horrible. I am devastated. He is in a new r/s now and I want to believe he is doing it with her, just to not make me feel so bad. He cheated with her last year. She is married too! They reconnected in March and now she is planning on moving to her home state with him. I am curious if he will go. It would not be so good for him to be far away from a hospital, but it's not my problem anymore. I just don't get how he went from wanting so many material things to now being poor with her. I guess it's what they do. She is all happy according to FB, but I can sense not all is perfect. tell me again how they are never happy- the pwBPD... .I feel your pain. Just learn all you can from this and watch for red flags to not do it again... .I wish I had the chance to start over and say no to him... .I feel like I have wasted allot of years and am just getting older. I think the holidays are bringing me down as well... .take care of yourself and get involved with friends. That's what I am trying to do... .We had a domestic violence thing too and the supporters for me said he could be a sociopath... .I see how it is confusing. Mine said he loved me, but never really treated me like he did... .if you get down to it. It seemed fake when I look back now. It is confusing between BPD, NPD and SPD... .I think they are starting to lump them into one category now anyway. The recovery work would be the same if they would do it. Mine never tried long enough or hard enough. Just lied to the therapist. He could manipulate them as he can anyone.

[Itstopsnow]

I'm so sorry for the 8 years you gave him. It just is so inconceivable the way in which they use, manipulate, decieve and bring fourth utter destruction to the lives of those that treat them with love and affection. It is so criminal. I think mine was definitely a cross between dependent, narcissistic and obsessive personality . Sometimes I wonder about the transient sociopath . Bc he seemed to have no remorse or conscience. But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. They hurt us in the most vile of ways. The people we trusted the most. And then when they are found out. Instead of owning up to it. They act as if we are the monster. It doesn't seem fair. But their lives will go on in chaos . We have a chance for happiness . God willing. I do feel like the devil came to dance with me and I prevailed . I think we all did.

[Herodias]

Exactly... .when I took classes through NAMI , mine feared that I knew what he really was and could no longer face me. I though I was learning what I could to help and understand him better... .It is really sad. I am so angry at him for the cheating over everything else he put me through. He kept saying he would only hurt himself, but it is not how it turned out. I have been agonizing over this for months and am having PTSD over Xmas now which is so awful for him to have done to me... .Finding a woman in my bed on Xmas day! Now  he is playing house with someone else, not even that one! Although she may still be involved with him- he and the new gF are friends  with the other woman on Facebook! The new gf doesnt even know he has slept with her over and over!  These people are all crazy-  At least I talk to God now and I hope I am warding off the devil as you said, because  he even called himself an evil devil and I agreed with him!

[Itstopsnow]

They violate our bond and trust and walk away like it's nothing to them, all the while bad mouthing us making themselves the perpetual victim. I'm sure that's what my ex is doing. It gives them plenty to give the future women. These people are beyond sick! I can't wait for the day that i just don't care either way about him. He is so not worth my thoughts. All our good memories flood my mind, and he threw them all away. I can never look at them the same again ever. I'm sorry it was 8 years for you. Lean on friends, family and God. I do believe God didn't allow this in our lives if He didn't intend to see us through it. We will be stronger. One day we will.

[JSF13]

My Ex constantly was accusing me of cheating. any interaction I had with anyone was me cheating for sure. All my friendships ruined. 3 weeks ago she completely disappeared. She always talks about how she runs. My guess is it was to someone else.

[butterfly15]

I feel terrible, I should feel free. I dated him 18 months. Come to find out the last 6 months he had a second girlfriend. I guess he was in the period of finding my replacement. Is that normal of people with BPD? He likely cheated on me all throughout our relationship. But even after we broke up before I knew about this girl. He was still hanging out with me . Doing overnight trips. I guess to keep the door open to come back. When everything hit the fan. And she found out. He tried to run to her telling her he loved her and didn't want me. I don't logically want him back. But I can't believe he cheated for 18 months and felt nothing for me. No remorse or guilt or even try to tell me he was sorry. She didn't take him back. And he was actually likely dating at least 2 or 3 other girls at that time. We spent so much time together, everyday! All our trips. He was so clingy and needy and most times seemed to love me so much. I still don't know if he was a sociopath or BPD? I want to know, because I want to know if it ever did or will bother him! I hope he's a borderline. Because those sociopaths get off Scott free. Any suggestions? Was it all fake?

while we weren't taking vacations we lived together for about 9 months after our first year of dating. I knew something wasn't quite right with him a few months after we started dating but I attributed it to stress, anxiety and depression. I later found out he had a gambling issue, binge eating and of course having sex with a lot of other woman during our 2 year relationship. I honestly cannot figure out when he found the time for these other woman. He was always with me if not at work. Or so I thought. It's just awful. No empathy and very selfish. We've had nc for about 2 weeks. Probably doesn't even phase him.

[Climbmountains91]

I understand how you feel. Mine was a different situation but I felt how you felt. During a recycle he "thought" he had feelings for one of his girl mates they slept together and she gave him an STD which he passed onto me. Got treated and all. But why tell me you have feelings for me then few weeks later sleep with this girl etc... And still kept meeting up with me no remorse as I didn't find out about it until a month and half after when I discovered I had an STD. Luckily I had smyptoms because he was to scared to tell me, no concern for my health or fertility, no remorse.

we are not in a recycle now. We ended us "taking it slow" in March as he's not interested in relationships, he can't love, he just feels cold towards it all he can't be bothered in his words. Pics on Facebook lately they look quite close with that girl but I know that's me reading into it and I shouldn't be a weak twat and look at his profile anyway.

[Itstopsnow]

That sounds just like my life. We dated 18 months and we were together all the time! Called and texted daily! We did of course have very stormy fights! And he would rage! But I never imagined him cheating! So much and then getting a second girlfriend . We were super close most of the time, laughed all the time, and he seemed super into my body and thought I was settler and he was the teacher! Even told his current ex girlfriend that he didn't know how he got me, and I was so beautiful . I never would of guess him cheating . It's the most painful and he was building a bond with this last girl. And is running to her not me! But I won't take him back! I called him out on everything

[Itstopsnow]

That sounds exactly like my life with him. Gambling problems, rages and verbal put downs. But he was also very affectionate and clingy and loving and always with me. I thought well that part was good and he must of loved me but he was cheating left and right. Had a full on girlfriend the last 6 months. When we broke up he started cheating on her with me, I didn't know they were a couple, he's is user and disgusting. He made me believe we were so close and I thought we were! He called and texted me daily and I saw him daily, he seemed so attracted to my body and face . I would of never thought he'd be cheating so much . He always said he couldn't do better than me. That he was the reacher and I was the settler .