NPD-BPD elderly mother

My mother is 79 and in bad physical shape: bent over from osteoporosis and arthritis and shuffles when she walks. She is extremely wealthy and lives alone on a huge estate with her assistant who she named as the head of her trust about 5 years ago. She won't put me on her trust because I "don't do anything for her." She lives in wine country and I live in Los Angeles but I had been trying to make regular visits to check in on her general health and well-being.

Her assistant (J) is also elderly, 73, and has had a major heart attack and open heart surgery. In the last 2-3 years she has become very dependent on him as she's isolating from all her friends and social activities with J's help, he likes to tell her that her friends just gossip about her. J has also fired any employees who have known my mother over the years and know how diminished she is now. J fired my mother's private driver who was responsible for J's hiring--this private driver used to correct or ease my mother's paranoia and devaluing of others.

J also seems to have some kind of personality disorder (his on-line resume is full of distortions) but knows how to act subservient and manipulate her (he was adopted as a kid). She uses him to finish her thoughts as she has trouble remembering words--her English is not great after 60 years in the States. She consults J over every decision and he is the only person she speaks to--usually several times a day. My mother's memory is getting bad but sometimes it's hard to tell because she often distorts the facts. But she is increasingly paralyzed over making decisions.

She's currently writing a memoir where she makes it clear that she has always been the victim of other people's bad intentions. She writes that being a stay-at-home mother (cooking, cleaning, childcare) is slavery (she was very spoiled by her mother). She also keeps bringing up her divorce to my father and tells people her children abandoned her--in fact, she abandoned us when we were teenagers, the judge gave my father full custody. She keeps reworking the same text over and over and over.

As her assistant J has become more and more in her confidence, I feel that he is abusing his position and has definitely been creating more conflict between me and my mother to benefit himself. My mother has also used her attorney (P) to reprimand me, P takes seriously her distorted version of people and events. I have recently hired my own attorney who has been trying to arrange a meeting with P so that he can see that I am not the person my mother describes. When P asked her permission to meet me, she denied it.

I am concerned about elder issues: bad driving (leaving the engine on when she walks away), not taking care of her own home (plywood in the upstairs windows, broken refrigerator used as shelves), and increasing OCD (she has 2500 olive trees on her property and prunes them so severely for the last 4 years that they don't produce fruit--she is out there by herself in the heat without water. Birches, manzanitas, and anything that grows also gets topped and trimmed), she says she can't use a cell phone anymore--further isolating herself from friends.

I am also a person living with cancer--11 years ago I had breast cancer treatment and last year I was treated for Stage IV Uterine Cancer. I had spoken to my mother last year about my cancer and she offered to help me with the costs. She later said she wouldn't help me (although she paid for J's open heart surgery). After a long string of emails letting her know where I was being treated and when, I got an email asking me if I was sick and when did I get sick--so I thought J had intercepted my emails and the last message was not actually from her. It is hard to say if her memory is really going as her attorney P denies it. (She does get very confused when she's not on home territory and she often can't remember what she just ordered or ate.) She's mostly together, though, and goes out for lunch almost every day.

In 2008, my mother purchased a house in LA for my use, but in the last 2 years she has decided I'm just a "tenant," and have no rights to the property. Just this week, she's decided that I should be paying her some kind of rent even though I have made huge improvements on the property that I've paid for. I am currently using my lawyer and help from this forum to try to find the best way to negotiate all these issues: her NPD-BPD and OCD issues and her degenerating cognitive ability, J's interference/abuse, and my own health issues.



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