Is she arriving at the end of this cycle? Help

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi there,

I've been married 19 years to someone who is definitely a pwBPD.  I recently responded to this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=286218.msg12697729#msg12697729

It explains the types of cycles my wife goes through.  I've always chased her as I always felt guilty of her behavior.  This time around I couldn't anymore, went to therapy and told her I was going to take care of myself.  She did tell me at one point that I had to chase her.  Ok, so we are completing four months of separation.  I've never been in this situation where I am not chasing her.  I told her about 6 weeks ago to leave me alone.  I did this because she was making efforts to see me and when she finally "cornered" me all she did was make me feel guilty, broke down crying and ran out the house to assumingly her "savior" or the friends she is idolizing.  I was left with anxiety.  I feel like the longer I keep my distance the more progress I make.  


So, now, let's talk about the last 6 weeks.  Keep in mind,  She first put me out to pasture.  Now I have completely avoided her, I have not responded to texts, I don't answer her calls.  We have lived completely separate lives.  We have not crossed any paths or intruded each with the kids:

1)One day, the main idolized friend was texting my 7 year old daughter to have her mom call her.  This friend works with her and it was before the day started which presumably meant my wife was going to see this person at work.

2)  My wife frantically wanted to come home and help with the kids the weekend immediately after I told her to leave me alone.  Even though, my teenage boys, shut her down, she still showed up.  My second oldest told her to leave.  Mind you she left in July and has no care about the house or helping.

3) On Halloween, before school, she sends me pictures of my daughters in their halloween costumes.  Mind you, I was picking them up after school for what was my week with them.  Which means, I was also the one taking them trick or treating.  

4)  Two weeks ago, my wife starts calling me.  I don't answer and the first text I get from her was "if you don't answer, I will have to call the police".  Luckily, my oldest texted me what was going on.  It seems that she instigated an argument with my 2nd oldest (16 years) and it got out of hand. I called and picked up my son.  Never spoke to her.  This infuriated her.

5)  This past week, my two daughters (7 and 6) had an after school Xmas fair one day.  Luckily, I noticed that my wife's van was parked in a street adjacent to the school not in the traditional parking lot.  My girls never saw her.  I felt like she was expecting me to take the girls and wanted to cross paths.  

Is she regulating?  Is her little fantasy coming to an end?   I just don't know what to expect.  This is new territory.  Even though, I am in NC, she still sends FYIs.  WHich I don't mind because of the kids.  But she will still ask questions.  It's as if she doesn't get "leave me alone".

[Joem678]

Hi there,

I've been married 19 years to someone who is definitely a pwBPD.  I recently responded to this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=286218.msg12697729#msg12697729

It explains the types of cycles my wife goes through.  I've always chased her as I always felt guilty of her behavior.  This time around I couldn't anymore, went to therapy and told her I was going to take care of myself.  She did tell me at one point that I had to chase her.  Ok, so we are completing four months of separation.  I've never been in this situation where I am not chasing her.  I told her about 6 weeks ago to leave me alone.  I did this because she was making efforts to see me and when she finally "cornered" me all she did was make me feel guilty, broke down crying and ran out the house to assumingly her "savior" or the friends she is idolizing.  I was left with anxiety.  I feel like the longer I keep my distance the more progress I make.  


So, now, let's talk about the last 6 weeks.  Keep in mind,  She first put me out to pasture.  Now I have completely avoided her, I have not responded to texts, I don't answer her calls.  We have lived completely separate lives.  We have not crossed any paths or intruded each with the kids:

1)One day, the main idolized friend was texting my 7 year old daughter to have her mom call her.  This friend works with her and it was before the day started which presumably meant my wife was going to see this person at work.

2)  My wife frantically wanted to come home and help with the kids the weekend immediately after I told her to leave me alone.  Even though, my teenage boys, shut her down, she still showed up.  My second oldest told her to leave.  Mind you she left in July and has no care about the house or helping.

3) On Halloween, before school, she sends me pictures of my daughters in their halloween costumes.  Mind you, I was picking them up after school for what was my week with them.  Which means, I was also the one taking them trick or treating.  

4)  Two weeks ago, my wife starts calling me.  I don't answer and the first text I get from her was "if you don't answer, I will have to call the police".  Luckily, my oldest texted me what was going on.  It seems that she instigated an argument with my 2nd oldest (16 years) and it got out of hand. I called and picked up my son.  Never spoke to her.  This infuriated her.

5)  This past week, my two daughters (7 and 6) had an after school Xmas fair one day.  Luckily, I noticed that my wife's van was parked in a street adjacent to the school not in the traditional parking lot.  My girls never saw her.  I felt like she was expecting me to take the girls and wanted to cross paths.  

Is she regulating?  Is her little fantasy coming to an end?   I just don't know what to expect.  This is new territory.  Even though, I am in NC, she still sends FYIs.  WHich I don't mind because of the kids.  But she will still ask questions.  It's as if she doesn't get "leave me alone".

[luckycharm224]

Curious how the more experienced people on here will respond. My ex doesn't want anything to do with me but will still send me pics of our son when she takes him places. But when I bite, she denys me. It's so mentally draining. I'm sorry your going thru this. Nobody deserves these kinds of manipulations

[Joem678]

The good thing is that I am in therapy and am able to stand a little stronger than I use to.  Not too many people experienced with BPD in my area.

[guy4caligirl]

I am sorry she is causing you all this trouble again .

I read the link that  you had wrote earlier, I saved it for myself to read it and read it again , looks like my ex behaved  the same way... .

She was well protected by me also had everything she needed and worked with me in the field that she adores and at the same time turned around and smear me as the abuser and so on ... .

Luckily I don't have children with her but you do obviously... .$ years R/S out 14 months .

I am in NC for 120 days she contacted me twice one by text for $ one phone call that I did not recognize her number  she always had ,because I deleted her from my contacts , the phone call went good as I validated her with moderation and wished her the best nothing about" us " .

I don't want to say it did not completely affected me but it did and I thought I am starting to get painted white again wow.

Looks like the more you ignore them they want you more , frankly .

Here is what I think, if you respond to her and say ok let's make it work her answer will be " Stop it I did not contacted you for that  it's all about the  kids yeah my A $$

If you don't ,she will continue till you do , and when you do she would satisfy her selfish thirst and realize that you still care for her and want her back, then discard with no Empathy again ,the show must go on ,damn if you do and damn if you don't Russian roulette at it's best !

You choose no one else can advise you on that .It's a tough one trust me .

I wish you the best my friend , looks like your children are your life and happiness  right ?

[Joem678]

thanks for replying guy4.  Yes my kids are my life.  The two oldest have gone through this 3 times now.  They don't remember the last two times.  I always felt that it was on a time cycle but it is with a group of new friends/colleagues.  This time around she has a great job.  She is an executive.  But she is putting her job at risk again. What gets me is right before this time she finally told me she needed help? 

[guy4caligirl]

For the sake of her great job she now occupy and your children's future ,college expenses and more  ,you might want to or need to listen to what she has to say and perhaps help her maintain a good conduct to keep her job , it's beneficial at this hard times in this world to be able to have a decent income ,after all she is your wife and the mother of your beloved children for more than 18 years  ... .

In my opinion you should make it clear that you had it with her behavior, and stick with LC .and trust in God or who ever you might believe in .

Make it all about  the kids , and their future if she doesn't shape up her future and I underline her future not the kids will be catastrophic . I think you need a break BTW... .

I know with your wisdom they will make it in their precious lives, it  looks like u have wonderful children 

[Joem678]

Guy4, five years ago she lost her job and then the one right after because of this.  Then we almost lost the house.  This time we are losing the house.  Im trying to avoid foreclosure.  She doesn't care.  She didn't pay her loans and they are garnishing her wages.  She tried to guilt me about this too!  The last 19 years have bees destroyed

[guy4caligirl]

I know how you feel , And no matter what I say or write , nothing is going to resolve the problems we all have .

My only wisdom is that I practice on a daily basis , tomorrow is another day ,something outta give when  tough I don't know but I won't and  I don't give up after this pain that I endured ,

I think I can handle  anything now no matter what it is , what meant to be is going to be , all I can and do is keep the faith and you should .

I learned that no one can help me if I don't help myself .

It's a tough life now days everything is really messed up , the world is wounded so we are ... .

I realize this , if I am happy I am happy and I accept that ,sad , angry , anxious , laughing , crying and so on I will be okay ... .

And everyone will with time ... .

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Cycle.  Hmmm,  the only thing i van relYe is my ex had clearity and empathy all the time, yet it was like dating too peoole, one day coyld be full of self awareness and teflection and what seemed like a life changing break_ through.  Everything did connect for her improving her life, yet she has a disease,  which she barely could manage.  I look at more like a 6 year old in an afults body.  They just lack the emotional brain to be pike the rest of us.  Yes it cycles, but more out of emotional needs or gantized ones.  Nothing with us perday.  Sute i could help, or hinder with my input, but no other relationship seemed to be so effect by my involvedment, it is exhusting.

[Joem678]

So now I just heard that she reached out to my sister a few weeks ago and wanted her opinion if she should have tried more in the relationship?  A cousin my wife talks to contacted my sister and wanted to know why I was throwing away so many years.  I'm kind of freaking out.  Please give me suggestions.

[enlighten me]

We all go through cycles of ups and downs. It the same with BPD only more extreme. My exgf will post pictures of my son on fb and it can be one after another after another. Then it will stop and it will be memes and selfies. Then it will be what she is looking forward to doing and then back to my sons photos.

From this Ive realised the pattern follows her need. The photos are when she is lonely and may be missing me (or the possibility of what could have been). The selfies and memes are when she is on the hunt. The what a wonderful filled life is normally when its coming to the end of another relationship and she is showing that she doesn't need them.

At the moment you may be painted white and she is regretting her loss. Things probably aren't going as well as she expected and the grass wasn't as green as she thought it would be.