Tired of the teenage FOG

[tunaniel]

I haven't posted on here in some time.  I think I find it emotionally exhausting at times to re-tell what has already played out in my mind a million times.  My Mom is uBPD.  She's 7 years widowed.  She has no real friends; just surface relations.  I have an older brother who is able to keep his distance; emotionally and by proxy.  I am married with 2 young daughters and we live quite close to my Mom.

I feel like I'm being punished recently; given the silent treatment.  This is because my Mom's methods of manipulation aren't working.  More recently, she's said things like "I can't remember the last time you spent quality time with me or went to something I invited you to."  The truth of the matter is, she's jealous of ALL my other relationships.  This likely includes my husband and children from time to time.  I feel like her ONLY friend; her ONLY go-to... .her only 'shoulder' to literally dump gossip, emotional distress, etc on.  I've really made an effort lately to draw boundaries.

We live in a rural area.  She's expressed a desire to go to the city with me... .JUST THE 2 of US.  I know better than to put myself alone with her! My time is limited, my priority is my husband and children, and it's ALL ABOUT HER.  Today, I went to the city to visit a close girlfriend.  Shortly after I left, I received a text saying "What a beautiful day.  What a shame that you and I couldn't spend the day together."  Of course, I hadn't told her what we had planned for the day.  I out and out LIED to her about where we were and what we were doing.  I spent half the drive thinking of an excuse, and the rest of the drive fearing I'd get found out; that my four year old would tell her exactly what we'd been up to.  WHY MUST I FEEL THIS WAY? It brought me back to high school; when I lived under her roof and she was good at controlling me.  She continued to text me throughout the day, wondering when I'd be home, saying she needed to talk to me.  I responded (with GREAT hesitation) four hours later, and left a message.  I know the likelihood that she was home was great.  If she needed to talk to me so badly, she'd have responded by now.  I feel like I am CONSTANTLY being punished in small ways for not doing EXACTLY what she wants.  I took four hours to respond to her, and she thinks she's punishing me. 

She watched the girls for me yesterday, and I imagine that I OWE her now.  She's very transactional in nature; "I did this for you... .now you owe me... .I called you last time, now it's your turn, etc."  So I imagine if she even suspected that I did something FUN without her today, she'd be very cross since she'd done me a favor yesterday.

The time spent mulling these things over in my head is ridiculous.  I want to throw scripture from Proverbs at her, but I know she'll never change.  So the best thing I can do, is pray and focus my energy on the joys in my life.

[Kwamina]

Hi tunaniel

Dealing with feelings of FOG can be quite stressful. You've lately been making an effort to really set some boundaries with your mother. What led up to this change? Did something happen in particular leading to this new attitude of yours or was it more like a culmination of all your experiences with your mother to this point?

You mention your mother's continued text messages. That indeed is very unpleasant when you are out trying to have a good time. Do you feel like you have to respond to your mother's texts?

Perhaps it can be helpful for you to tale a look at some material we have about dealing with difficult e-mail/text and telephone communications:

COMMUNICATION: Responding to unpleasant/difficult/hostile e-mail or text messages

COMMUNICATION: Handling inappropriate telephone calls

I hope this is of some help to you. Take care

[HappyChappy]

I feel like I'm being punished recently; given the silent treatment... .WHY MUST I FEEL THIS WAY? It brought me back to high school;

She watched the girls for me yesterday, and I imagine that I OWE her now.  She's very transactional in nature;

The time spent mulling these things over in my head is ridiculous.

Totally understand why you find your BPD mom frustrating. A BPD will constantly punish, as you rightly point out, as it keeps us on our toes. It’s standard practice for someone with PD. Always be attacking, as a form of defence, to keep the upper hand. And it works really well, as we’ve all found to our detriment.

But you seem to know that it’s F.O.G. that keeps you entrapped by your BPD behaviour, so why not focus on healing the F.O.G. ?  Maybe worth looking at “radical acceptance” in that you state she is very transactional about favours, but I’m guessing you also know a BPD doesn’t do anything unless they see a kick back for themselves, hence consciously you are aware but maybe subconsciously you haven’t “radically accepted it” ? Just a thought.  You know your BPD won’t change, so we must change how we view their obnoxious behaviour.

The mulling over stuff, is called rumination, and there are various techniques out there to stop doing this. Mindfulness being key to stopping rumination. Have you considered a Therapist (it helped me) ?