Postpartum BPD rage and violence

[globalnomad]

So, we had a beautiful baby boy a week ago and I couldn't be happier.

Things were great for two days. For the past five it has been like world war three with my BPD fiance.

I understand that wild hormonal swings can be part of the postpartum process and am trying to be understanding of that. In this case it seems to have put her BPD tendencies on steroids.

The slightest look, a totally harmless statement -- seemingly anything I say or do makes her furious. I am trying my best to help with the baby, within limitations (my employer is not so generous with paternity leave). Her mother is here to help out, which is great.

This morning things escalated to a frightening level. I woke up and made a harmless statement about how I'd had trouble sleeping. She interpreted this as me blaming her and the baby. When I tried to clarify what I meant she started screaming obscenities at me. Things escalated and she punched me four times while I was holding the baby. And I mean the kind of wild swings you would see in a boxing ring - it really hurt. She has pushed me and got in my face before, but this is a real escalation from what she's done in the past.

Now she is threatening to leave with the baby. I feel completely helpless right now. I know childbirth is no walk in the park and there is no way I can understand what she is going through right now. I'm doing my best though. The turn to violence is what really concerns me. I can't even bring it up without enraging her more. I'm just not sure what to do right now. Hiding away in my bedroom until the storm eases... .

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[globalnomad]

... .I hit post too soon here. So I guess what i wanted to ask was -- has anyone here been though similar things after the birth of a child? How did you deal with it? And how to address the violence? I'm completely at a loss right now.

[Moselle]

 Hi Global nomad. It sounds like you are making the best of a tough situation.

Is your fiance diagnosed BPD?

I'm not sure that it's hormonal. Most folks with BPD will react with emotional dysregulation to any life changing event. Marriages, births, moving house etc. I'm sure it will calm down eventually. I had similar experiences after the birth of my first child.

Do you have any support to deal with the situation?

[globalnomad]

Thanks Moselle. She's not officially diagnosed BPD but displays all the classic behaviors.

As for support, I am in a tough spot. Her mother is staying with us and mostly takes her side. My family is on the other side of the world.

[Moselle]

Nomad.

That's tough. Usual isolating behavior is common. Best you don't let her get her way and find some support.

Did you know that therapists treating BPD are advised to go to therapy themselves about it. It's is an incredibly difficult disease to treat let alone live with on a daily basis. Think carefully about getting help for yourself from a counsellor who is familiar with PD's and has hands on experience with BPD. Is that sort of help available?

[teapay]

Nomad, not only can the general increased stress of a new baby make the BPD behavior worse, less sleep can make it worse too.  We ended up bottle feeding all our kids and did night shifts so my W could get more sleep.  I'd go to bed about 7pm (est) and get up at 2pm and just stay up until my W got up about 7am or so.  It made sure she was getting collective sleep of about 8 and 10 hours.  It helped her and gave me a huge block of quiet time alone and in peace.

Other than that, be helpful as she wishes or just stay out of the way.

The violence against you and a MIL not supportive of you is a bad situation to be in.  If DV starts against you it will likely only get worse unless you put a stop to it in a big way.  There are some resources on this site for violence against men, but also follow up locally with LE or a lawyer to see how you could protect yourself, both in the short and long term.  Definitely don't engage in anything remotely physical.  You will lose, lose and lose again.

How's she and/ or the MIL with the baby?  Any concerns there?

[globalnomad]

Moselle -- Thanks. The isolating is difficult. I do have a therapist, but she has no experience dealing hands on with BPD and as you say, maybe I need to find someone who does. That is an option for me.

Teapay - Thankfully she is very good with the baby, so I don't have any concerns there (yet). We had a talk yesterday about the violence. I made it clear it can't ever happen again. She admits she completely lost control, and says the hormonal changes are behind it. I believe her when she says she understands the seriousness; I doubt whether she has the self control to restrain herself in similar situations in the future however. I guess the burden is on me to never say the wrong thing that pushes her to that point. That doesn't seem fair but it is what it is I guess, for anyone with a BPD partner. I will research my legal options just in case, as you suggest.

[teapay]

Nomad, that is good your W is okay with the baby.  I hope the MIL is too and also likes to help.  That could help you greatly.  It is also good that you figuring out this BPD at this stage in your marriage and family.  I'd advise no more kids until you get a better handle on all this and see how things play out.  That might be hard to take, especially if you love kids.  We wanted a bunch of kids.  We got them, but it's taken a big toll on and overwhelmed my wife. I think my wife would have a better life (she's a wreck), and we'd have a better marriage and family, if we stopped at one.

[Moselle]

Nomad. There's learning curve to this, and the lessons on the staying board will be crucial for you.

I highly recommend finding a therapist who has had some success with BPD. I actually found one who helped a pw BPD over a number of years to become almost symptom free. She was a huge resource to me because she understood the difficulties around the disease and the role that the non plays.

Ironically "walking on eggshells" or playing into the behaviour actually supports the dynamic. There are ways to become healthy and the resources on this website are a huge help.

[enlighten me]

Hi Globalnomad

I was wondering, what was your fiances behaviour like during pregnancy? I have read a number of times that pregnancy can calm down BPD behaviour. I have also read that post birth it can come back at a much higher level.

Whether or not it true I believe that hormones play a large role in this. I witnessed my exs turn into raging beasts during their menstrual cycle. I also saw a calming during pregnancy and then get worse post birth.

Even women without BPD display this.

[globalnomad]

Thanks all. I am going to prioritize finding a therapist with BPD experience because I'm really not sure how much more i can take of this. She had a complete meltdown last night. I accidentally knocked a glass off the bedside table in the middle of the night and it smashed. She started muttering the usual insults about how clumsy I am as I started to clean it up. Then she got enraged at how "inefficient" I was in cleaning up the glass, and asked me to wait until the morning as in her mind it was taking forever. I explained I needed to finish as I didn't want to be stepping on broken glass later in the night in the dark if I needed to go to the bathroom. She then started screaming at me and telling me how inconsiderate I was for waking the baby up. Yes, the fact that her screaming within a foot of the baby's head might be more upsetting to him did not seem to occur to her.

This morning I get up and check some emails on my phone. This starts another episode. She accuses me of hiding something from her and says I am acting weird when on my phone recently and must be hiding something from her. This is entirely a fantasy as I have nothing to hide. I am just feeling exhausted from trying to validate ridiculous stuff like this. Utterly exhausted.

[globalnomad]

enlighten me - You're right that no doubt hormones play a part in this. We had a few blissful stretches of a few weeks at a time during the pregnancy where things were really calm. Childbirth seems to have really brought the BPD stuff to the fore and massively intensified it. I just hope this is only a temporary thing.

[Moselle]

Hang in there Global nomad. Sorry to hear it's getting crazy again.

Hang in there. It will get better 

[globalnomad]

Thanks Moselle. Today is a much better day. The calm after the storm 

I'm going to keep working on the lessons on this site. Things can only get better.

[Moselle]

 

Well done. It can and does get better. This irony is that the changes are likely to come from our side, and we often expect them to come from them.

What are you going to do to protect yourself, next time there's an emotional dysregulation?

[startrekuser]

I'm no expert, but I know with my wife, when she's under stress the BPD behavior is more likely to come out.  The more stressful the situation, the worse the behavior.

[globalnomad]

Well done. It can and does get better. This irony is that the changes are likely to come from our side, and we often expect them to come from them.

What are you going to do to protect yourself, next time there's an emotional dysregulation?

Thanks again Moselle. Next time there's an emotional dysregulation I plan to either take a walk or go to the gym for 30 minutes. With the mother in law in the house I really need to just leave the apartment in these situations as there is no space for me to take a break.

I am still having enormous trouble with validation. My fiance herself has said to me that when she's dysregulated she just wants me to comfort her. This feels a bit to me like trying to comfort an angry rattlesnake. How do we validate when the person we love is out of control and lashing out at us?

So I guess for now I am focusing all my efforts on not INvalidating. I know this is the thing that really escalates things badly.

[Moselle]

Next time there's an emotional dysregulation, I plan to either take a walk or go to the gym for 30 minutes. With the mother in law in the house I really need to just leave the apartment in these situations

I agree. If you suddenly remember that you need to go to the shops, it may make it less obvious.

This worked for me. And when I came back she had normally gotten over whatever it was.

[globalnomad]

Next time there's an emotional dysregulation, I plan to either take a walk or go to the gym for 30 minutes. With the mother in law in the house I really need to just leave the apartment in these situations

I agree. If you suddenly remember that you need to go to the shops, it may make it less obvious.

This worked for me. And when I came back she had normally gotten over whatever it was.

I've tried the "going to the shops" one, but it has backfired. "What do we need to buy? Why are you buying it there? That's a waste of money. We should be buying that online" etc etc. So I'm sticking to the walk/gym, without trying to make it sound like a punishment. It's not easy, since she is extraordinarily sensitive to the tone of my voice, facial expressions, etc. But like you say, it does seem to work, kind of. The couple of times I've tried it she has been calmer when I returned.

[Icthelight]

I am still having enormous trouble with validation. My fiance herself has said to me that when she's dysregulated she just wants me to comfort her. This feels a bit to me like trying to comfort an angry rattlesnake. How do we validate when the person we love is out of control and lashing out at us?

Exactly 

My wife told me yesterday that when I say or feel that she's angry or "out of control" all she needs me to do at that moment is to hug her. She said that she just needs to feel safe, loved and secure.

There's an episode in the show "Everyboby loves Raymond" where Debra the wife is being really emotional and angry at Raymond and she screams at him, "did you ever consider that all I need right now is for you to hug me?" His response is classic, he states pointing at her, "THAT IS NOT HUGGABLE!" My wife and I have watched that show and laugh because we can relate. I reminded her that I feel like Raymond in those situations. She stressed to me to do it. That she may push me away at first, but to come back immediately and try again. That after she feels my body next to hers, she begins to melt and feel better. The last thing I want to do when she's raging at me is to hug her. Also, I recall trying that one time and she looked at me and said, "don't you touch me." So, not sure how accurate this is, but I'm thinking I will try it again 

[globalnomad]

I am still having enormous trouble with validation. My fiance herself has said to me that when she's dysregulated she just wants me to comfort her. This feels a bit to me like trying to comfort an angry rattlesnake. How do we validate when the person we love is out of control and lashing out at us?

Exactly 

My wife told me yesterday that when I say or feel that she's angry or "out of control" all she needs me to do at that moment is to hug her. She said that she just needs to feel safe, loved and secure.

There's an episode in the show "Everyboby loves Raymond" where Debra the wife is being really emotional and angry at Raymond and she screams at him, "did you ever consider that all I need right now is for you to hug me?" His response is classic, he states pointing at her, "THAT IS NOT HUGGABLE!"

Ha, I will have a look for that episode   I can certainly relate! I guess the part I find most difficult is that when dysregulated she usually ends up doing something that violates my boundaries. Yelling at me, cursing at me, calling me names, and in one recent case, even physical violence. Trying to comfort her in such a situation seems like rewarding bad behavior. I am only just realizing that I haven't done a good enough job in the past about being firm and consistent with these boundaries. The right mix of firmness when required, and compassion for her mental illness seems to be a very tricky thing to get right.

[startrekuser]

What you say seems to make sense, but with my wife, she often needs me to agree with her that what I did was wrong, terrible, etc.  She bullies me until I agree with her and apologize for defying her.  For example, I want to communicate with my brother and she's convinced my brother wants to get us divorced and will do and say things to me that will influence me.  No matter how understanding and reassuring I am, she won't budge.  Hugging won't help.

[Moselle]

I've tried the "going to the shops" one, but it has backfired. "What do we need to buy? Why are you buying it there? That's a waste of money. We should be buying that online" etc etc. So I'm sticking to the walk/gym, without trying to make it sound like a punishment. It's not easy, since she is extraordinarily sensitive to the tone of my voice, facial expressions, etc.

Oh dear she's a clever one. I had lots of walks and gym sessions too. And emergency customer or work calls  .Keep changing it up.

What actually worked quite well was going for a walk WITH her. No talking  just walking. She seemed to really appreciate the effort.

[globalnomad]

Oh dear she's a clever one. I had lots of walks and gym sessions too. And emergency customer or work calls  .Keep changing it up.

What actually worked quite well was going for a walk WITH her. No talking  just walking. She seemed to really appreciate the effort.

Clever indeed Shopping is actually a bit of a trigger for her. If I buy the wrong brand of milk, or I pay 5 cents more than what we can pay for it somewhere else it just opens the door for her to criticize.  

That said, a walk together is a great idea. That may work. Things have been blissfully calm for two days now and I am hoping to make it to the end of the week conflict free. Famous last words?

[kentavr3]

For more than 4 years my wife had been threatening me that she leaves with my daughter. It happened everything when I said or act differently than she though. Finally, she did it. Daughter is in deep shock. I don’t know if situation will come peacefully. But, yes, this is how BPD resolves conflicts. This one called “withdrawing”.

[enlighten me]

Clever indeed Shopping is actually a bit of a trigger for her. If I buy the wrong brand of milk, or I pay 5 cents more than what we can pay for it somewhere else it just opens the door for her to criticize.  

It was non organic carrots that used to set my exgf off. Strange how something that we see as minor they can see as a big thing. I guess that's why it never worked for me. I just couldn't get my head around these little things.

[globalnomad]

Clever indeed Shopping is actually a bit of a trigger for her. If I buy the wrong brand of milk, or I pay 5 cents more than what we can pay for it somewhere else it just opens the door for her to criticize.  

It was non organic carrots that used to set my exgf off. Strange how something that we see as minor they can see as a big thing. I guess that's why it never worked for me. I just couldn't get my head around these little things.

Indeed, amazing how similar some of our experiences are. No doubt the non organic carrots proved that YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT HER

[zodi 2010]

Not all women have trouble with menstrual cycles or hormones during pregnancy.  Please don't generalize.

[zodi 2010]

enlighten me

this is generalizing, not all women have issues with hormones during pregnancy or their menstrual cycle, please don't generalize what women have issues with because you don't know all women

[Flexion]

This morning I get up and check some emails on my phone. This starts another episode. She accuses me of hiding something from her and says I am acting weird when on my phone recently and must be hiding something from her. This is entirely a fantasy as I have nothing to hide. I am just feeling exhausted from trying to validate ridiculous stuff like this. Utterly exhausted.

Are you on this site while around her? if so, she might be right... .you are hiding something. .  I choose to not go on this site at home, so that never arises. ANyhow, just a thought.

I feel for you, man! My wife was really, really bad when she was  pregnant. I couldn't be around her hardly at all. NOw, she uses that to bash me. oh well, I do not have to take her sh*t whether she's preggo or not! Very sad because I LOVED my wife pregnant and just wanted to hold her.