I can't believe what we had was nothing

[Itstopsnow]

I've been writing on these post for a while. They help me. You all help me so much, I just can't get over that this guy who was a Roman Catholic priest at one time, who made me feel safe and comfortable at least in the area of faithfulness was cheating on me our whole 18 month relationship. I put up with his verbal put downs and rages because of the good times and for all we had built together. All our vacations and weekend trips. We were inseparable. He told me he loved me and I was gorgeous with a perfect body all the time. I never thought he would stray . I never knew he was a borderline till the end I suspected it. Now I really think the church asked him to leave and he didn't leave because he wanted kids and a family. Because I see a girl outed him online in 2012 when he was an active priest. Now he's 34 and has changed 4 jobs since leaving in debt and is a pathological liar. Why do I care so much? Because I loved him deeply and our whole relationship was a fraud! Do BPD not have consciences . How could he sleep with her and build a life with her and be loving towards me, after we broke up when he spit in my face, he had her sleep over that night. Then he kept coming back this October acting as if he had changed and wanting me, cheating now on her with me.  But once the truth came out, he is running to her . Not that I would ever be back with him after I found out the truth! But didn't I deserve better than that.? Am I not worthy of him saying anything to me for the deep betrayal. In fact I know he's painting me a monster to her! And telling I'm sure his family that I ruined his relationship with her. He was cheating on me with her what about that? And he was cheating on her with me and other girls I know for a fact! He is so disgusting! Do they ever regret or feel any guilt down the road when other relationships fail too? Can someone tell me that?

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Itstopsnow, a big hug to you for what you're going through because I've been there too and know it feels terrible.  

When somebody is mentally ill, what they're feeling inside can be very different than what we think they are feeling. To me, what I and my ex shared was real to me. She cared for me to the best of her abilities, which as a person with BPD is limited to only certain ways that she relates to people and the world.

The cheating and lying are ways they believe are the way of the world, simply a matter of survival for them. So, are you and I and anybody else on the boards here deserving of love and loyalty: I believe YES! I'm not going to base my self worth based on how I'm treated by a mentally ill person. I'm not going to expect an apology from her any more than I expect a blind friend to describe a painting to me.

As to whether a person with BPD experiences guilt, some may feel very guilty, others less so, just because everybody can be different. That doesn't mean they will express it in any way as one of the traits of BPD is maladaptive coping. So perhaps to soothe their guilt they may drink alcohol, do drugs, have promiscuous sex, gamble, or other risky things that in the short term get them through but hurts them long term.

How are you taking care of yourself? It's great to write on the forums for support, however, what other things are you doing to get back to a healthy and happy life? Do you have a support system like friends and family you can spend time with? Often they may not understand or get fatigued with discussion about the ex, but they can be there for us to spend time with somebody that cares.

[Itstopsnow]

Thank you so much for your post. I keep re reading it. My ex BF used to cry a lot and sometimes open up and say things that made him seem very insecure and vunerable . But then he could be so hateful with his abuse I guess as they all are. I like to believe deep down what we had mattered to him. But at the end he said vicious lies about me to the new girl. I don't think she stayed with him either. And I'm sure he's blaming me for that too! I'm going to try EMDR therapy. My family and friends keep telling me to get over it. And move on. It's only been 12 days since the whole truth came to light! That was 20 months of my life. Even one of my clients said I brought it on myself bc I should of left a long time ago. A few people said I told you so. Because no one liked him with me bc of the way he would put me down. But there was also a fun spontenanous side to him. And a loving affectionate side. (That now I see he shared with lots of other girls) I'm just feeling so disregarded and unloved by him.

[butterfly15]

My ex BF used to cry a lot and sometimes open up and say things that made him seem very insecure and vunerable . But family and friends keep telling me to get over it. And move on. It's only been 12 days since the whole truth came to light! That was 20 months of my life. Even one of my clients said I brought it on myself bc I should of left a long time ago. A few people said I told you so. Because no one liked him with me bc of the way he would put me down. But there was also a fun spontenanous side to him. And a loving affectionate side. (That now I see he shared with lots of other girls) I'm just feeling so disregarded and unloved by him.

mine would have his very deep weak moments. I hope those were his true feelings and not an act. It has been 2 weeks of nc for me and my friends and family while supportive, I have only chosen 2 people to confide in. I am embarrassed that I let these behaviors go on in what I called a relationship. There were flags a long time ago but I thought he was just depressed. He had a ton going on when I met him. I have been writing on here also. Everyone seems to be able to relate here. Not in the real world. No one understands the addiction I still have to him. It's awful that I still want him. Know I can't it's not healthy or fair to me.  I can say it has gotten a little easier each day and I am thankful I found out. Now and not in 4 years. He moved out of town for work and I seriously considering uprooting my life to be with be with him. I couldn't even imagine how it would have played out.

[Learning_curve74]

It can be frustrating when friends and relatives tell us to just get over it or even that we deserved it for not leaving. Yes, we all had the choice to leave, but maybe we weren't at that point in our personal and emotional growth to have been able to make such a decision. We are all a work in progress, life doesn't come with an instruction manual, we're all figuring out along the way!

I also had very bad times and very good times with my ex gf. I don't really think of her as a "good" or "bad" person, more that she is an emotionally immature, mentally ill, unhealthy person.

It's OK to feel unloved by them, our feelings are simply feelings, never right or wrong but just how we feel at the time. The good thing is that our feelings can also change, right? We also can have healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with negative emotions. Some people may go do a hard workout at the gym, go vent to their friends, write down their thoughts in a journal, and many other ways.

If you need to vent and friends and family are unsupportive, you can always post on the boards as this is a safe community of people that understand because so many of us experienced many of the same things. Hang there! 

[Climbmountains91]

I'm still trying to figure out if we mattered or not. It just seems he doesn't remember our positive moments at all and we did have some. He remembers good times with his ex. Even lil stupid things but I guess I am a woman we always remember the lil silly things like linking arms through the snow, to me that touched me, it felt like a moment ! but I am a soppy git. xD Maybe I'm In denial, I just don't know  He said something which probably confirms he didn't. We were in a recycle last year but some stuff happened which his automatic thought was ''crazy b___, she's an abuser, what's the point, she only hurts me''. it wasn't even anything major or anything really. When someone in a healthy relationship would try and work through it, not go to, what's the point.

[Itstopsnow]

I think maybe in time he will think of nice memories you had especially when things go wrong in the next relationship . Kind of like that nostalgic way. But mine will just hate me forever! I broke up his current relationship while he was still idealizing her, and of course he Can't take his blame so he projects all blame and responsibility on me! Never mind that he lied and told me he dated her 4 times only and wasn't into her, when in fact they were dating 6 months and he was cheating on me with her! I hate that he will use my memory to serve him to victimize other women telling them I was the abusive one that ended his relationship . Makes me so sick to my stomach I just want to forget him

[hashtag_loyal]

I'm not going to base my self worth based on how I'm treated by a mentally ill person.

Amen to that, brother!