What parameters should I set for Thanksgiving dinner w/BPD Mom and my family

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello, this is the short-cut version of a long term drama that I want to end!

My family is me, my husband S of 25 years and two daughters, age 19 and 16.

My husband's parents lives 3 hours from us and my parents live 4 hours from us.  I host most celebrations at our second home because it is in between our main home and our parent's homes.

While I have been happily married for a quarter century, my mom has been falsely accusing my husband, S, of controlling me and abusing me and being difficult with her for 25 years. There were many good times in between, but they don't last.  Last thanksgiving, I decided I had had enough of her paranoia and criticism after she said she knew she and my dad and my brother weren't welcome in my home (they had stayed 2.5 days) and turned around to leave without saying goodbye. My brother left without saying goodbye after spending 2 days and nights, also.

A few weeks later I invited my parents and my in-laws for christmas eve and Christmas day plus, as I always do, via email. My mom and dad didn't tell us whether they were coming or not, but my mom  told my in-laws that they wouldn't be coming to my house.  My 18 year old daughter, E, wanted to find out why in the world my parents weren't coming for christmas so E called my mom.  My mom told E that, S, E's dad, is controlling me and has been doing it for years,  My daughter replied that no, she thinks we have a partnership and he doesn't control me.  My mom continued to say that she couldn't come.  In addition, E reported that she claimed that we kept the heat down in the room where my brother slept to make him uncomfortable so they wouldn't stay long.

NOW, a year has passed where most communications are by email only and it's mostly her blaming me for being a ungrateful daughter and keeping the 2 grandkids from her and too bad everyone thinks we are such a nice normal family but we aren't.

Should i invite her to dinner for Thanksgiving?  What can I tell her to set good boundaries.

[endingthecycle]

Hello, this is the short-cut version of a long term drama that I want to end!

My family is me, my husband S of 25 years and two daughters, age 19 and 16.

My husband's parents lives 3 hours from us and my parents live 4 hours from us.  I host most celebrations at our second home because it is in between our main home and our parent's homes.

While I have been happily married for a quarter century, my mom has been falsely accusing my husband, S, of controlling me and abusing me and being difficult with her for 25 years. There were many good times in between, but they don't last.  Last thanksgiving, I decided I had had enough of her paranoia and criticism after she said she knew she and my dad and my brother weren't welcome in my home (they had stayed 2.5 days) and turned around to leave without saying goodbye. My brother left without saying goodbye after spending 2 days and nights, also.

A few weeks later I invited my parents and my in-laws for christmas eve and Christmas day plus, as I always do, via email. My mom and dad didn't tell us whether they were coming or not, but my mom  told my in-laws that they wouldn't be coming to my house.  My 18 year old daughter, E, wanted to find out why in the world my parents weren't coming for christmas so E called my mom.  My mom told E that, S, E's dad, is controlling me and has been doing it for years,  My daughter replied that no, she thinks we have a partnership and he doesn't control me.  My mom continued to say that she couldn't come.  In addition, E reported that she claimed that we kept the heat down in the room where my brother slept to make him uncomfortable so they wouldn't stay long.

NOW, a year has passed where most communications are by email only and it's mostly her blaming me for being a ungrateful daughter and keeping the 2 grandkids from her and too bad everyone thinks we are such a nice normal family but we aren't.

Should i invite her to dinner for Thanksgiving?  What can I tell her to set good boundaries.

[Turkish]

I suppose you didn't give your brother enough blankets, too? 

Sounds like he's emotionally enmeshed with your mom. That you stand up to her by not validating her invalid world-view resulted in you being painted black. She lost control of you

What's the probable outcome here? You send the email,.and they (she) decline again. There's nothing wrong with being kind. Not inviting her would feed into her anger. Sending the invitation puts the ball in her court. If you send it, keep it brief, informative, and friendly. The firm can come if she responds yes. Stating boundaries in what would normally be a simple invitation to someone else, will likely trigger rage and abuse. This may help in general since you only communicate by email:

TOOLS: Responding to hostile email

Turkish

[tenacity]

Hi endingthecycle and welcome!  

This is so hard and I am sorry you are dealing with it.    They have such a "talent" for ruining holidays!

You headed your post with "a long term drama that I want to end!" Inviting her for Thanksgiving sounds like it would be inviting more of the same. So no I don't think you should. And by not inviting her there will be no boundaries to be set. She will email you more and badger you but you do not owe her an explanation, nor are  you in anyway obligated  to even respond. She lives in her OWN world and it sounds like nothing is going to change her thoughts and opinions. I would keep my contact with her to a minimum. She is going to try her darnedest to engage you in a conversation... .try really hard not to respond... .but if you want to, a simple "I'm sorry you feel that way" works  No need to engage. They thrive on it. Changing up your traditions will go a long way in ending the drama. With my parents I pulled away little by little... .holidays with them just got to be too hard and were not worth everything that came during and after. A couple years I even pretended to be sick just to avoid her/them... .not the best approach   -- but it gave me and my family the break from them that by that time we all needed. Wishing you a very peaceful Thanksgiving this year 

[Spruce927]

Hi Endingthecycle,

First of all hugs to you.  I know the pain very well of having a BPD mother.  I actually haven't logged on in nearly 6 months (after not speaking to my mother for a year and getting an email today.)  If you'd like to check out my posts on this you can. 

About thanksgiving-I understand what it's like to dread holidays.  My mother is verbally abusive and highly unstable.  While she can be the nicest person on earth, she can change as quick as day and become just horrible.  I found that she was constantly triggered to freak out at holidays.  Most of my childhood memories involve my mother doing something to ruin virtually every holiday.  For some reason "big" days brought out her worse behavior. 

I'm also WELL aware that BPD mothers have extremely strong views on significant others.  My first serious relationship was about 10 years ago in college.  My mom criticized him constantly.  She actually often really got in my head about him.  He was a "loser,"  he should have done this, he should have done that.  When I was younger I didn't understand that this was just a pattern and she would find fault with every single person I would date.  I was with my current partner at the end of my relationship with my mom.  This person literally is the most kind, amazing, mentally healthy (psychologist actually) person I've ever known.  Yet, my mom did everything she could to make me change my mind.  I heard the whole controlling thing and so many other completely untrue statements.  It was at 30 that I realized my mom has never had anything nice to really say about anyone.  Her analysis is so incorrect, her thoughts really hold no weight. 

I share this with you just as something to think about because I would never say have your mom over (or don't.)  However, this is the FIRST year of my life I don't have to think about my mom on thanksgiving.  I don't have to hear about what EXACT time to be over, or what we're eating, or anything else about the day.  I don't have to worry about the negative comments or thoughts she's say.  I am getting an adult chance to once again enjoy the holiday spirit.  And I cannot tell you what a beautiful thing that is. 

I know how society feel about family (and moms in particular.)  I know a lot of people don't understand why my mom cannot be in my life.  I also know the societal views on holidays and how we must be around family.  I suggest you drop the pre conceived notions of what thanksgiving is or what you "should" do.  Sit in a quiet place and think about your mom being there for thanksgiving.  What sort of feelings do you have?  Then think about her not there, and do the same.  It sounds like you and your family have been through a lot, and if you think having your mom there will be a good thing, by all means HAVE HER THERE.  However, the greatest lessons I learned about BPD (and really all personality disorders) is that expect what you've always gotten.  There is NO changing.  Always expect the same behavior.  Once you surrender to that, you're much more at peace.  Sending love... .