I heard they tend to down grade

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I know I just need to focus on me and my healing. But it's only been 12 days since I discovered my 18 month relationship was filled with infidelity. His relationship he had with this other girl really broke my heart! He bonded with her. Took her to many of our places. But complained to me . Telling me she was below average and heavy no personality . So many cruel things. He told me he just met her and they went on a couple of dates . I saw pictures of her. She wasNt bad looking. Not stunning. Somewhat heavy Not someone to throw away everything we built for. I'm not trying to be mean, but that's what I think. We had a really good thing and he ruined it by cheating. I feel horrible and cheated out of a life I could of had with him if he wasn't so damn sick! I have to keep reminding myself he was ill mentally and it would of happened regardless to who he was with and there was nothing I could of done differently to prevent it.  I heard when they leave they tend to downgrade from what you were in order to maintain some kind of perceived upper hand. Do any of you know more about this. I think the actual downgrade is for the unsuspecting victim. Being this mental ill is s huge handicap.

[Itstopsnow]

I know I just need to focus on me and my healing. But it's only been 12 days since I discovered my 18 month relationship was filled with infidelity. His relationship he had with this other girl really broke my heart! He bonded with her. Took her to many of our places. But complained to me . Telling me she was below average and heavy no personality . So many cruel things. He told me he just met her and they went on a couple of dates . I saw pictures of her. She wasNt bad looking. Not stunning. Somewhat heavy Not someone to throw away everything we built for. I'm not trying to be mean, but that's what I think. We had a really good thing and he ruined it by cheating. I feel horrible and cheated out of a life I could of had with him if he wasn't so damn sick! I have to keep reminding myself he was ill mentally and it would of happened regardless to who he was with and there was nothing I could of done differently to prevent it.  I heard when they leave they tend to downgrade from what you were in order to maintain some kind of perceived upper hand. Do any of you know more about this. I think the actual downgrade is for the unsuspecting victim. Being this mental ill is s huge handicap.

[guy4caligirl]

Yes they do they do!

They live at the moment and garb the first available  that shows sympathy and do a nice jester ,like hold the elevator door for them ,they fall in love and don't think about the consequences   .

[Climbmountains91]

Looks wise, this girl that seems to be some kind of replacement at the moment for him is pretty much a well down grade. She gave him an STD for heavens. His ex was a freakin beauty, I wouldn't say I'm bad looking, I'm ok Looks wise I do feel like a downgrade from his ex. but this replacement whatever she is, jeez. I even said to him last year you've downgraded since me and your ex which was childish but I was angry because that's when the STD happened and me him were in a recycle at the time and taking it slow etc... can't help but think though what a downgrade. ! Sorry for the ___ in me  

On his birthday aswell, we all went out this was over a year ago, this was the first time me and her met, didn't really see her all night to be honest and apparently she had said ''I want to punch her (meaning me) in the face'. You don't know me, whats your issue.

Meh, whatever, shes a downgrade, end of.  

I'm sorry I cant answer your thread but I'm sure many will as i'm still trying to figure this all out.  

[hashtag_loyal]

I don't think this is a healthy exercise. You didn't deserve the infidelity -- none of us do -- but comparing yourself to your ex's next victim is more likely to lead to increased stress and anxiety, rather than detachment and freedom.

If you really want to know what is in his twisted head, he probably sees this girl as an "upgrade", but only because her mere presence doesn't (yet) trigger his own intense feelings of personal shame.

[SummerStorm]

The problem here is that this is all subjective.  What, really, is a downgrade?  If my former friend would have left her ex-boyfriend for me, I probably would have been seen by many as a downgrade, as I am on the heavy side and he goes to the gym every day.  That being said, I have a college degree, and he doesn't.  I own a house; he rents a townhouse.  But his car is a lot nicer than mine.  At the end of the day, she liked having sex with me, and she liked having sex with him.  In her eyes, I would have been an upgrade.  In her eyes, the new guy she's with is an upgrade from her last boyfriend. 

In my opinion, her new boyfriend isn't as attractive as her last one, but that may just be me wishing she would have stayed with him, as it would have at least made me feel like she chose him over me for a good reason.  After she told me we would never be together, I thought, "Then, he must really be the one."  And he was... .for seven more weeks.  Then, he wasn't "the one" anymore. 

The one thing I can say for certain is that the new guy is a downgrade in terms of where he is in life right now.  He is younger, still in college, etc.  But for her, this is probably a great thing because it means that he's less likely to bring up marriage and serious commitment.  Her ex and I are both ready to settle down, and that's ultimately what made her leave both of us behind. 

[guy4caligirl]

Everyone of us has his own case !

Yes we do have similarity in all of what happened to us and somehow I agree with your comment .

But the fact is Hashtag ,you don't know what I know about my ex and my replacement ,by the way I was a replacement to  her ex husband  a successful young engineer and gave her the world .

Hot or sexy ,it does not matter, it's not that hard to find hotter when you're confident and trust yourself and what you got to offer and of course a nice person with ethics .

There is what we call  security that women need , she is totally broke an ask me for $ every other week  ,I don't respond anymore , she had it all and if you like you  can start a topic about how they down grade, you will see they go from comfortable to very poor ... .

I am over it , after all , I don't blame myself I tried everything in the book to wake her up she made her bed and she should lay in it ... .

  Mister nice guy is taking care of himself now,  it's been almost  a year and a half of educating myself .

I am here to help others so your comment is not in a good place with all my respect .

[Itstopsnow]

I didn't mean to offend anyone, I guess I'm just wondering, I guess I understand they are mentally ill and cheating is part of their make up, a defense or preserverance mechanism. But when they get into other relationships while dating you, and still acting as if they love you and cherish you and are still physically attracted to you, it hurts to think of them building those same type of bonds and emotions with others with no regard or remorse towards you, no loyalty or guilt . That's the part that feels like they become a transient sociopath which I read can happen to BPD individuals , I guess trying to figure out their chemical makeup is like trying to understand the depths of the ocean. I just can't figure out. We were so close, laughed so much daily! And had amazing trips and daily interactions . Yes there were his rages that became all too familiar at the end. But for the most part we got along great.  I just can't figure out how they seem to have no emotional attachment to the person. Just an attachment to the fear of losing that person!

[guy4caligirl]

You did not we are all here to help ,  hence BPD Family  .

[cosmonaut]

Well, I'm not sure that's correct.  After all, if they tend to downgrade then perhaps we were a downgrade.  I don't think many of us feel that way, nor should we.  We sometimes tend to paint the next partner black ourselves.  I think it's best to just recognize that a pwBPD has a pattern of unstable relationships.  Just like all of us, some relationships may mean more than others.  Perhaps some are rebounds.  But that is not uncommon in the general population.  I believe that often pwBPD enter into relationships with the best of intentions, but they just can't seem to make it work because their disorder always ruins it.  Many pwBPD seem to really struggle to understand why this is and what is wrong.  After all, these are deeply subconscious processes.

[C.Stein]

It doesn't matter to me who the next one is ... .or the next one ... .or the next one.  Better or worse ,,, why does it matter?  She isn't with me anymore, that is the only thing that really matters to me.

[Someguywrote]

I don't think my ex really cared what the new guy looked like, or what he had to offer. She was susceptible to whatever flattery any man was willing to give. My replacement was a morbidly obese dude who lived with his mom. Within a couple weeks she moved onto another guy who's decent looking but a total deadbeat. Pothead loser type.

But that's the lifestyle she's looking for. Drugs and sex without any responsibility or accountability. Doesn't care too much about leaving her kids behind either. I watched her go from a respectable mother to a deadbeat hoe in a month. It's sad.

I've come to accept that my replacement has no reflection on me. I know my worth. Don't let a pwBPD change how you feel about yourself.

[Learning Fast]

I feel that the downgrade/upgrade issue isn't much of a factor in their minds.  I was almost certain that when we split for the summer back in late June that she would fall for the first guy who opened a door for her, smiled at her or just said "hi".  The replacement process was driven by the emotional void that needed to be filled immediately and hinged on opportunity and availability.   Hence, she indiscriminately hooked up with someone within ten days.  A downgrade?  Yep. Compatibility?  Who knows.  Does it really matter?  Nope.  Due to the disorder it was a predetermined, self-fulfilling prophecy triggered on the day we parted.

[CollateralDamage]

Well, mine decided to go after a 27 yr felon for commuting murder. And, she has kids (3 and 5) that stay with her during the week. Of course, when I found out I went crazy and told her separated husband because I cared for the kids.

[antelope]

it has zero to do with grading based on social status, looks, money etc.

it has to do with availability and willingness to tolerate their dysfunction... .the main feature of the replacement or the next-in-line is a combo of low self-worth and insecurities relating to 'he/she is the best I can do'

anyone with solid boundaries and a very good sense of identity and self-worth will simply NOT tolerate a person with BPD for more than a few months... .

we may view ourselves as 'better' than the replacement, but that is b/c we overcame the FOG we were in.

at one point, we were the wounded soul who put up with their crap b/c we thought it was worth it, it was the best we could do... .WE were the 'downgrade'

[Conundrum]

anyone with solid boundaries and a very good sense of identity and self-worth will simply NOT tolerate a person with BPD for more than a few months... .

With a holiday (USA) in which we express gratitude nearly upon us, our experiential mélange may shape a soufflé both sweet, savory and or bitter.

Yet axioms when polemical often symbolize one's subjective state. And I cannot agree with what you wrote. For when Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel he did not employ such a broad brush.

That suspect class that we cannot "tolerate" are fallible human beings born with both the blood of angels and devils coursing within their veins. Just like the rest of us. Some nons may marry a pwBPD and some may have created children... .constituting bonds lasting longer than months. Do any of us have the right to denigrate those choices. The free will of another may be beyond both your philosophy and mine.

If you would have substituted "abusive person" for "a person with BPD" perhaps that would encapsulate the axiomatic. Though the premise that "all people with BPD are abusive" is a fallacy that cannot rationally be supported via selected anecdotal evidence. Shall we adopt the syllogism that "all people with BPD are abusive though some are more abusive than others." Thereby creating the inference that all nons are victims lacking "solid boundaries and a very good sense of identity and self-worth." Me thinks that smacks too much of the black and white. I prefer nuanced reason over hyperbole. And when we're gracious enough to permit empathy and compassion into the equation and let go of the resultant suffering from transgression, I find that it is much more pleasant to simply posit that "a percentage of people with suspected BPD traits or BPD may act in relationally abusive manners."

Selection bias can influence analytical data as proponents of result oriented agendas commingle subjective conclusion with fact. What stands out for me, are that the variables inherent in axioms such as the one I quoted make all the difference in the world. Consequently, zeitgeists and trending declaratory statements would best take into account:   

*What percentage of nons on this board were with a pwBPD who underwent an initial assessment and comprehensive evaluation by a certified trained clinician in Axis II Cluster B Personality disorders.

*What percentage of nons have self-diagnosed their X's as suffering from BPD?

*What percentage of nons are familiar with the Linehan Behavioral Tech affiliated certified treatment providers in their geographic region?

*What percentage of nons have witnessed or participated in evidence based therapies with their pwBPD?

*What percentage of nons have read through a DBT skills training manual and worked on those skills with their pwBPD?

*What percentage of nons were with a pwBPD who participated in a twice weekly evidence based therapeutic sessions including both group and individual therapy.

Etc., etc... .

There is a reason why we differentiate on this site between untreated Axis II Cluster B disorders and those who choose integrated evidence based treatments. The former may be recalcitrant, while the latter are progressive.

Let us not diminish the role that trauma plays in the origins of this disorder. Should we denigrate those who seek self-enlightenment and aspire to successfully manage the hands which they were dealt. Their is beauty in their struggle as their is beauty within them.

I find it both sad and curious that one of the overarching elements ascribed to BPD relationships--and which causes nons such suffering is infidelity. Is it a characteristic that hangs over these boards like the presence of a perpetual albatross. But when I look at our society with Tinder, Ashley Madison, sub-reddits espousing cheating, and the plethora of sites that exist for betrayed partners of the unfaithful. Their suffering is as immense as ours--and often resembles our own. Surely, rampant infidelity in a culture that trivializes meaningful commitment, in which disposable relationships have become the sine qua non--cannot all be attributed to personality disorders.

So as you can see, the risk remains that the broad brush inevitably taints the good with the bad. And at this time of year I will choose to be thankful for my many blessings. The ones that I sought out and the ones that have come my way. Peace.

[antelope]

anyone with solid boundaries and a very good sense of identity and self-worth will simply NOT tolerate a person with BPD for more than a few months... .

Thereby creating the inference that all nons are victims lacking "solid boundaries and a very good sense of identity and self-worth." Me thinks that smacks too much of the black and white. I prefer nuanced reason over hyperbole. And when we're gracious enough to permit empathy and compassion into the equation and let go of the resultant suffering from transgression, I find that it is much more pleasant to simply posit that "a percentage of people with suspected BPD traits or BPD may act in relationally abusive manners."

I agree completely with the premise of your entire comment.  You seem to be coming from a similar place as me in the sense that we are both FULLY detached, or at least very much detached from our former partners.

However, I do disagree with your romanticization of the protagonist.  The denouement of all of our tales are tragically similar, and that points to a pathology that is seemingly consistent over time.  While the plot and characters are unique in every tale, the themes are not.  Recognizing these patterns and the roles that we nons played is crucial in detachment IMO.

Yes, we are ALL flawed.  And yes, they, and likely we as well, carry damage and scars from our past... .but, as adults, we must 'own up' to our issues and shortcomings with humility and a sense of grace, and not childlike vitriol which is so common with the Cluster B types.  

Regardless of the diagnosis, the symptoms were too much for us to bear, so we left, for our own mental health.  Being mistreated in these ways is intolerable, and yet, the reason why we allowed it to happen is the ultimate resolution we should seek... . 

[hashtag_loyal]

Conundrum, I agree with 99% of your perspective (though I often tend to nuance my hyperbole myself.  ).

However, I disagree a bit with this:

I find it both sad and curious that one of the overarching elements ascribed to BPD relationships--and which causes nons such suffering is infidelity. Is it a characteristic that hangs over these boards like the presence of a perpetual albatross. But when I look at our society with Tinder, Ashley Madison, sub-reddits espousing cheating, and the plethora of sites that exist for betrayed partners of the unfaithful. Their suffering is as immense as ours--and often resembles our own. Surely, rampant infidelity in a culture that trivializes meaningful commitment, in which disposable relationships have become the sine qua non--cannot all be attributed to personality disorders.

While nons cheat because they want to, pwBPD tend to cheat like their lives depend on it.