Intro

[Our abuse recovery guide]

New to this site but not new to BPD unfortunately. Rightly or wrongly I am in a family situation where i left the home and have decided to come back to try and help my children (12 & 8 years old accordingly) as I feel the emotional damage when I am not there is too great for them. I would specifically like tips from anyone who has used effective strategies in the past not to 'trigger' the BPD person or if triggered effective strategies that calm the situation back down. I am in a situation whereby I have so long 'triggered' the incorrect response I am finding it very hard at changing my behaviour to adapt. The person is very manipulative and will answer for the children and if i ask them something will answer on the childrens behalf having already decided for them. They will also use disparaging remarks about me talking to the kids when i am there. Thx

[streda05]

New to this site but not new to BPD unfortunately. Rightly or wrongly I am in a family situation where i left the home and have decided to come back to try and help my children (12 & 8 years old accordingly) as I feel the emotional damage when I am not there is too great for them. I would specifically like tips from anyone who has used effective strategies in the past not to 'trigger' the BPD person or if triggered effective strategies that calm the situation back down. I am in a situation whereby I have so long 'triggered' the incorrect response I am finding it very hard at changing my behaviour to adapt. The person is very manipulative and will answer for the children and if i ask them something will answer on the childrens behalf having already decided for them. They will also use disparaging remarks about me talking to the kids when i am there. Thx

[enlighten me]

Hi Streda

Welcome to the family.

Are the children yours? If so then the parenting board has lots of useful advice.

There are many of us here who have to deal with a difficult ex when it comes to our children. I myself am in that situation and there are a number of workarounds that have worked for me.

If you could post a bit more about your situation Im sure we can give advice that may help you.

It may also be useful to know what country you are in as there are many different laws that can dictate what can be done and who can help you.

[Kwamina]

Hi streda05

Welcome to bpdfamily. The situation you describe sounds quite difficult indeed. You've returned for your children's sake, how long did you leave?

We have certain tools here that can help you find new ways of communicating with the BPD person in your life. I'm specifically thinking of our article about the things we can do ourselves to end the cycle of conflict and our article about validation:

Ending the Cycle of Conflict

Communication Skills - Validation

There are also other tools that can help structure your communications with the person with BPD such as S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N.. Are you familiar with these tools? They can help you express and assert yourself in a way that minimizes the likelihood of (further) conflict while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to the person with BPD in your life. These tools can also help you stay (more) calm yourself as they help you structure your communications and anticipate what might come next.

How long have you known about BPD? Has the person in your life been officially diagnosed with BPD?

[HappyChappy]

Welcome to the board. Follow the links Kwamina has put in his post as these should address your question, there are techniques that get a better responce out of a BPD S.E.T. is one. I always found things easier (with my BPD mom) when we had company, so it's great that you want to be there for the kids. A BPD cares a great deal about how they are percieved so "being around" in itself will be good .