GOT EMAIL: Approaching ONE YEAR of not speaking to BPD mom

[Spruce927]

Hi All,

Some of you will remember me.  I posted here quite frequently when I decided FINALLY cut my mom out of my life.  Just a quick recap, she is a verbally abusive, and extremely emotional unstable type.  The final straw was learning that after the divorce of my parents she had been emailing my father as me telling him to stay away (we had become estranged mostly because of her doing.)  For almost 2 years she was emailing him saying a slew of terrible things that he thought came from me.  After finding this out and seeing the emails, I realized how truly sick she was at 30 years old and cut off all contact.  

Though she has been divorced for 4 years from my father she despises him and basically most of her downtime is geared to harassing him (theres a restraining order she knows my dad won't have her arrested.) She's been relatively quiet to me.  She's also been quiet to my sister, who cut her off 3 years before I did.  It's been nearly 3 months since she's written ANYTHING to me, but after that period of silence THIS is the email I get from her... .

mom

Nov 18 (5 days ago)

to me

I just heard that that fool convinced you I never called him when you were in the hospital

What aing joke and a liar. Big liar.

Maybe you should ask J W. Or J J who stood next to me and I used her phone. . Or maybe ask K. Wow. What a freak. He ignored every single time.

Every last one. I wanted his help. I couldn't do it all.

He has you snowed like a big blizzard.  Just because we couldn't work together means nothing

And maybe you should look up C's divorce agreement and how daddy took J light out with her dad to swing the divorce her way.  It's in a court transcript.

And you know that I didn't send that letter. That's bull

You are being made such a fool of so he looks good

Terrible. But I am at peace with who I am.

Pathetic.

Sent from AOL Mobile Mail

I have worked SO hard on myself in the past couple of months.  I've taken up intense meditation.  I've been doing regular yoga and running.  I've been able to get a good grip on my emotions and come to terms with the fact that my mom is sick.  I EVEN was able to get off by my anti depressant AND the klonopin (which I took almost daily when having my mother in my life.)  I feel like so much of my self esteem has come back and I feel at peace with my life.  

My research on BPD has helped me understand SO MUCH of why my mom behaves the way she does, and in many ways I have much compassion for her.  I know that she had a terrible childhood, and now that I've worked so much on the mind body connection, I know how painful it must be to live in a constant state of chaos.  

When I read this email I cannot help to feel both sad for her, defeated at the reality that I'll never have a mother, and immensely frustrated that THIS is what she chooses to say to me.  MORE about my father.  She is so trapped in hate, and anger, and pain I can almost feel it through the email.  

I don't really have any specific question, but after reading this my first thought was to share and post here.  Thank you for all the support.  

[Panda39]

Hi Spruce,

I remember you and your story.  It is sad to get this kind of negative, lousy, email especially after a year of NC/LC.  I see this same type of thing going on with my SO's daughters and their uBPDmom too.

The good news is you and all the good things that you have done for yourself in the last year.  Feeling good enough to get off the medication is great.    Working on that mind body connection is really good.  Yoga and running  The fact that you can see this email for what it is and not be triggered by it is excellent.   And you came here to share this email also a good healthy move 


Unfortunately you can't fix your mom and her life, she will live it the same way with you in it or with you not in it.

You have decided not to be sucked into the chaos any longer and you made the healthy choice to live your life to the fullest. Good for you!

Keep doing what you are doing.

Panda39

[Spruce927]

Hi Panda!

Thank you so much for the kind words.  It really does suck to see that she's STILL in this same mindset, but when I think about it this is the only mindset she's ever had.  

I'm very sorry that you have to deal with a uBPD though your sig. other.  I know obviously from first hand experience how tough it is to have a mother like this.  Must be a sad thing to see her interaction with their children.  Love your way... .

About not being triggered; I feel SO GOOD about this. Prior, I used to be so triggered from her emails/voicemails/texts that I could see red and sometimes literally shake.  The seperation from her and the time spent on me has allowed to to take my headspace back and recognize her negativity and cruel words for what they are: an illness.  

I still feel sad sometimes that I cannot have my mother in my life.  It's difficult because she's alive and "well" but she simply cannot have a relationship that is not shred in hate and anger.  

Anyway, thanks so much for the kind words!

xo

[Kwamina]

Hi Spruce927

I too still remember you

It is sad indeed that your mother behaves this way. Accepting that our parent is disordered and what this means can be very tough. Acceptance of the reality of our BPD parent means letting go of the fantasy parent we never had and unfortunately likely won't ever have. This isn't an easy thing to accept so I understand your sadness. It however also becomes clear from your post that you've come along way and have used this period of NC with your mother to work on yourself and your healing

The final straw was learning that after the divorce of my parents she had been emailing my father as me telling him to stay away (we had become estranged mostly because of her doing.)  For almost 2 years she was emailing him saying a slew of terrible things that he thought came from me.  After finding this out and seeing the emails, I realized how truly sick she was at 30 years old and cut off all contact.  

This is very disturbing behavior of your mother. Fortunately you found out what was going on, she had already been doing this for a long time though. How is your relationship with your father now?

Take care and welcome back