Guess Who Contacted Me?

[AVR1962]

Wasn't expecting this! It's been over 3 months and I have not heard a word. My BPD daughter (34) contacted me via FB email, where she took me off her page as a friend, to give me her new address which I replied "thanks!" to and then she contacted me again letting me know that she has PCOS, polycystic ovary syndrome, which is what Whitney from "My Big Fat Life has." I replied, "Good luck to you with the bloodwork and the way forward with this."

The whole family has known for years she has problems... .she battled weight, motivation, depression... .she does absolutely nothing but sit. If she has something that is legitimately causes issues I do hope she takes steps towards dealing with it but it will take seeing to believe. I an lead support like I did today with my short statements but I am not jumping back in her life and getting involved, nor am I going to listen to her for hours on end just to have her turn around and bite me in the back. I do have some very hard feelings after her last episode.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[thefixermom]

Hard feelings aside, I hope it was uplifting to hear from her and have her make the first move.  I'm guessing it might have been very difficult for her to do.  I do appreciate your wariness and protective stance.  I'm confident you can maintain without slipping back into the abyss.  It sounds like she stayed calm and is trying to crack the door open.  They always seem to know when to stay on good behavior, i.e. when we are not susceptible to our old habits of FOG.   

[AVR1962]

This is typical of my daughter. She shuts me out, says a bunch of horrible things about me to other people and then when she wants support or her kids need a gift she pops back in my life. Last time I was so careful and yet I asked one question she could not bare to answer as this would incriminate her and rather than bring the truth into the light and actually be accountable she ran and started blaming. I would like to at least have some sort of relationship with my grand children so I will not block her out but I cannot be involved with her.

She is jealous of the relationship I have with her other two sisters and wen we are all together you can see it in her eyes. She was the only child for almost 5 years. She was the oldest grand and great grand and she got ALOT of attention from everyone, especially me. I do not think she has ever adjusted to sharing attention and she feels that I have to treat everyone the same. The is 16 years difference between her and her younger sister yet she will ask her questions like, "What time was your bed time in high school?" If anything is different than she makes this big deal of it.

Sad thing is that it is very possible my daughter does not have PCOS but yet I will never know the truth. It looks legitimate, gives her reason for he actions so everyone can be understanding but I have been lied to so much that it is to a point that unless I see something in writing I am not sure I can believe it.

Last night I was talking to my husband and I told him that her contact made me mad. She cut me off, made up lies to the family and now that she wants support who dos she run back to? The person who has always been there for her, me. The lies hurt. She never apologizes and she will not talk about anything pertaining to her actions, she shuts down. This is not an honest relationship and why would I dive back into that mess all over again? My husband was supportive, said I have ever right to be angry. I told him I feel like an old ogre... .I feel I should be able to be there for her but I can no longer take the games, the lies, the manipulation... .I cannot do it!

[Eyeamme]

AVR1962,

You have been so supportive for me that I will jump in and say that you have every right to feel the way you do. Do not let the FOG get to you. We (me included) need to remember that our daughters are adults. I still believe they are responsible for their lies, twisting of the truth, and the consequences. Hang in there! Love yourself. You know what kind of mom you are. I have made the decision to let my grandsons go. I don't want them used as a bargaining chip nor will I let them see how their mother treats me. It is the most painful thing I have ever done but I can't do any more. I was told "Your best is not good enough'. Nowhere to go from there.

Please know that I totally know where you are coming from. Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for all the help you have given me. I am thankful I found this group.

[AVR1962]

Thank you Eyeamme! You make a very good point in saying you do not want your grandson to be used as a bargaining chip. Sad, isn't it? I dreamed of having my family around me and my kids and grand kids would come over on the weekends and holidays, that I would know my grand kids and be as close to them as I was my own grand parents but boy I never could have expected what I ended up dealing with.

Happy Thanksgiving to you as well!

[thefixermom]

Our daughters appear to be cut from the same cloth, AVR1962.  I don't have other natural children but there are adult stepdaughters who came along after she was out of the house and the jealousy and comparisons were always front row. She tried to get them to see me as evil but that didn't work. They embraced her with love and ignored her manipulations. That only made her more angry and so she estranged herself from them.  My DD is also the first born grandchild in our big family and received lots of attention. She now sees herself as discarded because other grandchildren came along.  She knows in her heart of hearts that I have been the one who stuck with her despite her rages and attempts to get the whole family to turn on me because she believed I made them turn on her... .which I didn't. I worked hard to include her.  They were just reacting to her years of being negative and accusatory to every member of the family. When they called her on it, she dumped them all, except she keeps a weak thread connected to me "just in case" she needs something. It was difficult to not be at her side when she recently had a medical procedure.  But I am trusting that by leaving her be, she will come face to face with reasons to mature, with me not in her space to be blamed for whatever pain she might be attracting. I can only wish her well at this point and love her from afar. I did feel like an old ogre at one point in the recent past but at 60 I am now actually feeling like a 30 year old again.  I've been eating well, losing weight, making new friends and returning to recreational activities that I had given up while depressed during the torturous years of FOG.  Nothing will replace the broken dream of having a grown daughter as a best friend but I hope I can stay on this track for the few years I have left. Some joy is better than none.

As Eyeamme said, you have been so supportive around here and I'm always moved by your responses to others.  I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving... .I know I am thankful for you.

[Eyeamme]

Fixer Mom,

I can so identify with your story. I have the same exact situation.

Happy Thanksgiving to you!

[thefixermom]

Thank you for the good wishes, Eyeamme. 

[AVR1962]

TheFixerMom, thank you so much for your reply! We have obviously been thru so much of the same as I read your posts an replies. I have not known how my support and tidbits of advise have been received so it is good to hear that sharing my experiences have helped. It's been tough but it helps me to share.

We just recently moved back to the states after being overseas for over 7 years. I am so tickled to be back in America and have really been enjoying starting a new life here. Like you, my daughter has to figure things out for herself, I can support from afar if she contacts me but I have to keep my distance. I am feeling a bit more settled now that the shock of her contact has worn off.

You have a wonderful Thanksgiving as well!