My major problem is I feel bad for HER - cant focus on self

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I had dumped my ex about 3-4 months ago, there was a lot of toxicty in it, but I missed the good times.  Long story short we re-met and she was super sorry, missed me, 'loves me' etc.  It was really really hard, I did/do like her but I know there is no long term thing here, esp. when I found out she is married (claims its just for kids, I do believe her, but not sure it matters) it tore me up. 

She wants to continue our relationship, but the drama of the hiding really tears me apart, I have to manage lies etc.  How do I get over 'liking' her, esp. when she reveals her heart to me of how much she cares?  I am so bad at hurting others.

Help plz!

[Sword]

I had dumped my ex about 3-4 months ago, there was a lot of toxicty in it, but I missed the good times.  Long story short we re-met and she was super sorry, missed me, 'loves me' etc.  It was really really hard, I did/do like her but I know there is no long term thing here, esp. when I found out she is married (claims its just for kids, I do believe her, but not sure it matters) it tore me up. 

She wants to continue our relationship, but the drama of the hiding really tears me apart, I have to manage lies etc.  How do I get over 'liking' her, esp. when she reveals her heart to me of how much she cares?  I am so bad at hurting others.

Help plz!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sword, You are not responsible for the well being of another adult.  Suggest you shift focus to yourself and what you want.  If you're unsure, listen to your gut feelings.  Also suggest you look within, rather than to her, for your worth and value.

LuckyJim

[MapleBob]

Hey Sword, sorry you're having a rough time. You might take some time to reflect on the fact that loving/caring about someone sometimes isn't enough to make things work. It's hard in life to deal with the *AND* sometimes. "I love you/care about you *AND* I can't be with you, because XYZ... ."

[Sword]

Saw her yesterday, when I am with her it feels so right.  But as soon as I leave reality hits, the deception required.  I had to lie to my family to pull this one off... .that feels so wrong.

I am so conflicted, dont know what to do.

I like her, and she likes me, but there is no future, and the damage in the past was real (but at least partially my fault) idk... .lost

[Skip]

What does staying together actually mean - being her affair partner - or is there more? Or do you know?

[Sword]

What does staying together actually mean - being her affair partner - or is there more? Or do you know?

Basically affair partner, its ldr, so we would rarely see each other. Mostly her just calling my occasionally (I cant call her with husband).  Its nice to have a friend, someone I was intimate with, but on other hand is the dysfunction of this too dangerous to bother with?

[waverider]

You are fighting conflicting emotions, almost in a black and white thinking process. It is difficult to accept all these feelings can coexist. you can like someone, you can feel bad for someone, you can feel guilt, while at the same time you can see the reality of not having a future either for physical reasons, inevitable ongoing emotional clashes, or even because it counters you own values.

This is what emotional maturity is about. accepting all emotions, giving them their credit, weighing them up and making a best course of action decision. This is in fact one of the core disabilities of pwBPD, they simply struggle to attain that balance, or being centered as we call it. Being overwhelmed by single emotions to the detriment to better judgement

Accept these feelings, acknowledge them, grieve the lack of fulfillment if you like, be aware that their crippling intensity will pass, and believe in your decisions. Life stays balanced if you let your emotions out, but keep them on a leash.

Emotional control rather than emotional denial