Mother giving ST: Holiday season is clearly here

[AmMovingForward]

My mother has already started her Queen-like BPD behaviors and it's not even Christmas,  making unreasonable demands and requests on me which inturn is making me severely down and void of energy. Luckily me and my daughter are heading to my father's (who lives out of state) tomorrow night through Sunday for Thanksgiving. While I'm looking forward so much to get away, I'm feeling tremendous guilt for leaving my mother. Granted, I've got siblings and a stepfather,  so she's not going to be alone, but I've been given the ST since telling her we're going to be with him. I'm just venting, as I realize this is all unnecessary.  Why can't she ever be happy and supportive. I just have expectations every yr things will be different,  but clearly they're not, and I'm old enough to know better than to have such high hopes. Just venting.

[tunaniel]

I want to high-five you for going ahead with your plans! I can't tell you the many times that I changed or cancelled my plans to appease my Mother.  And now, that I'm older and more aware of BPD, I go through long stretches of ST because I choose to live my life. 

My father passed away seven years ago.  Of course, I had no clear read on my Mom at the time.  But her BPD is very evident to me now! She will forever use grief as a crutch.  Anyways, I remember my Dad often reminding me NOT to be like my mother (if I was being negative, etc), to LIVE MY LIFE, and to enjoy my friends.  Mom has always been jealous of my time and my friendships.  I think she's even jealous of her beautiful granddaughters and my husband.  When we got married, shortly after my Dad's accident, she acted like she was losing a daughter, rather than gaining a son in law.

In short, I just want to wish you a blessed Thanksgiving holiday.  Enjoy your family.  I know firsthand how hard it is to ignore the guilt! But you have EVERY right to do as you please.  My Mom has made me feel like a huge disappointment in the past... .and for NO reason! But the guilt... .I fight it constantly where she's concerned.

All the best to you!

[Kwamina]

Hi AmMovingForward

Even when we know something on a rational level, it can still be hard to really accept it on an emotional level as well. Deep inside many children of BPD parents often still have some hope that their parent will change some day. There is always hope, yet it's important for us to base our hope in the reality of what we know of BPD and our past experiences with our parents. Having said that, I realize it's still difficult and I can relate to what you are going through

For dealing with the guilt I've found this quote from the work of Pete Walker helpful:

"Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”."

[AmMovingForward]

I want to high-five you for going ahead with your plans! I can't tell you the many times that I changed or cancelled my plans to appease my Mother.  And now, that I'm older and more aware of BPD, I go through long stretches of ST because I choose to live my life.  

My father passed away seven years ago.  Of course, I had no clear read on my Mom at the time.  But her BPD is very evident to me now! She will forever use grief as a crutch.  Anyways, I remember my Dad often reminding me NOT to be like my mother (if I was being negative, etc), to LIVE MY LIFE, and to enjoy my friends.  Mom has always been jealous of my time and my friendships.  I think she's even jealous of her beautiful granddaughters and my husband.  When we got married, shortly after my Dad's accident, she acted like she was losing a daughter, rather than gaining a son in law.

In short, I just want to wish you a blessed Thanksgiving holiday.  Enjoy your family.  I know firsthand how hard it is to ignore the guilt! But you have EVERY right to do as you please.  My Mom has made me feel like a huge disappointment in the past... .and for NO reason! But the guilt... .I fight it constantly where she's concerned.

All the best to you!

Thank you very much for your kind words, and Happy Thanksgiving to you, as well!

[AmMovingForward]

Hi AmMovingForward

Even when we know something on a rational level, it can still be hard to really accept it on an emotional level as well. Deep inside many children of BPD parents often still have some hope that their parent will change some day. There is always hope, yet it's important for us to base our hope in the reality of what we know of BPD and our past experiences with our parents. Having said that, I realize it's still difficult and I can relate to what you are going through

For dealing with the guilt I've found this quote from the work of Pete Walker helpful:

"Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”."

Yes, I was hoping she'd see the light as she got older,  but it's only progressively gotten worse, not better.

That quote really resonates with me, as I've carried unnecessary guilt around my whole life, and am now coming to a place of true and authentic healing. Before, everything was a farce, and not really moving me towards a better place. I'm going to save that on my tablet, and refer to it as necessary. Thank you.

I hope you have a great holiday, Kwamina. You've been very kind to me since Day one in here, and I truly appreciate that.

[Kwamina]

You're welcome I'm glad to have you part of our online community!

I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving with your daughter and father

Thanksgiving actually isn't a holiday where I'm at but I'll still try to enjoy it anyway