Struggling with guilt and and sadness

[adventurer]

I came to the realization I need to divorce some time ago.  I'm working through depression to acceptance.  I wish things were different.  I do not want to live a life paycheck to paycheck any more, just so she can sit around the house, indulge her hobbies, and surf facebook all day.  I want to retire in 20 years and I need to buckle down and get it together.  I feel used, I feel like a meal ticket, I feel that I have been taken advantage of for this whole marriage.

She pays lip service to my goals, but refuses to work, help save, or do anything to help me reach them.  She is emotionally manipulative and I have caved in on so much to try to regulate her emotions for her.  Even today, I mentioned the idea of me taking a couple days to go visit family and she just clammed up and got very upset.  I don't know if it's because she knows my mom hates her or if it's because of abandonment fears.  I don't ask or try to figure it out anymore, I just do what I need to do.

I feel guilty for abandoning her.  She won't do couples therapy and I don't even want to bother pressuring her for it anymore.  She has made so many promises and never followed through.  But, did I try enough?  The one thing I didn't try, probably the last hope, would be move my paycheck to an individual account and cancel our credit card - cut her off completely from the money and give her a small allowance.  But I'm not sure a relationship with someone who requires that treatment is worth it.  Am I being selfish?  She says I only care about money, but I wonder if she is projecting - she's the one who only cares about money - is using me and manipulating me to provide comfort and easy life to her.

Last time I mentioned I should maybe leave the marriage she broke down and kept telling me "you promised, you promised"  What did I promise?  I feel like I need to find my wedding vows and see just what I agreed to, again.  She was playing on my guilt to make me stay then, but when is a promise not a promise?

LuckyJim wrote in a thread noone is responsible for the well-being of another adult.  But as a husband isn't that my job and responsibility?  I just want a chance at happiness and I know now that is impossible for me while I am in this marriage, maybe not possible outside either but that's a whole other issue.

Thanks for the space for me to pour these thoughts out.  I am very unhappy that I have failed and this marriage has failed.  I am terrified of the pain and difficulties that lay ahead.

[Confused?]

In the end it's your decision to make. You are here in the leaving board so you are clearly unhappy. I was never married to my ex so my comments may have no impact. But I know how you feel. These relationships could wear anybody down and they are especially hard on those with good intentions. There is no amount of effort you could put into this relationship to make her the companion that you need in life. I dealt with a addict family member for a long time. It financially drained everyone in my family. It was very hard on me while simultaneously dealing with my ex it was unbearable. The fact is that people will not change unless they want to change. My goals in life were set back immensely to the point where I am about 5 years behind where I want to be. I did not leave my ex she left me. But I know that things would have just got worse and worse with her in the picture. At least you have the self awareness of that right now before it's too late.

[Brighter Days]

Hi Adventurer,

I totally empathize with you.  It sounds like you have tried hard to make your marriage work.  Divorce is not the ideal but marriage is supposed to be a partnership.  One person cannot endlessly adapt his/her life to accommodate the other if the other person is capable, but unwilling to put in some effort as well.  Life is to be lived, not endured.

I've tried to make a broken marriage work too, but realized that I could no longer carry the entire load (financially,emotionally,physically) of our family when I had to contend with an uncooperative spouse.  Even though it is easier now that we're separated, I feel as though I've failed.  It is depressing.  Perhaps I could have done more, but reality is I still have a responsibility to be there for my kids and with the constant stress I was under I was there less and less for them.  My husband's issues became all encompassing, leaving me no time to make plans for the future and little energy to do much more than drag myself through the day.

As my husband sees that I am capable of moving on without him, he calls and pleads with me to remember my wedding vows-just as your wife did to you. But don't the wedding vows apply to both persons?  I never expected perfection from him, just some sort of effort. 

As an aside, you may have read it before but if not, someone suggested I read a short story called "The Bridge" by Rabbi Friedman (I believe that's the author's name.).  It's easy to find online and I found it interesting.

[enlighten me]

I know how you feel. By now I would have been close to achieving my goals. My ex wife was a bottomless pit and even though I had a good job money was always a problem. She never had any long term goals and just lived in the day. She didn't work as she was always "ill". She ran up debts behind my back and any spare money got spent. Then to add insult to injury she took me to the cleaners in the divorce. I felt totally used like you.

I beat myself up for allowing it to happen. I still get angry especially in my current situation where I am between jobs and money is tight. I now have my boys living with me and financially its a struggle while she sits in her 6 bed house supported by her husband who earns over £500,000 a year. It feels unjust. I then think it doesn't matter. I can pull myself out of this and work hard and still achieve what I want. At the end of the day I will have got where I get to off my own back where my ex is a parasite and will never achieve anything by herself.