Anyone's pwBPD ex ever mention survival mode?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Mine did tons of times. When we first met he literally had nothing he was in a long drawn out custody/divorce battle for years before we met. His take home pay was constantly changing based on garnishments. This made him stressed and depressed as I thought. He was constantly in "survival mode" as he called it. I thought at the time that meant that he was literally trying to survive due to his income and struggles both behind and ahead of him. He still was saying this recently. Paranoia aside, I now believe "survival mode" for him was doing WHATEVER and WHOEVER he wanted WHENEVER ignoring the fact that he was in a "committed" relationship. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Is that what true survival is for pwBPD? The more I read the more I believe his income had nothing to do with it.

[butterfly15]

Mine did tons of times. When we first met he literally had nothing he was in a long drawn out custody/divorce battle for years before we met. His take home pay was constantly changing based on garnishments. This made him stressed and depressed as I thought. He was constantly in "survival mode" as he called it. I thought at the time that meant that he was literally trying to survive due to his income and struggles both behind and ahead of him. He still was saying this recently. Paranoia aside, I now believe "survival mode" for him was doing WHATEVER and WHOEVER he wanted WHENEVER ignoring the fact that he was in a "committed" relationship. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Is that what true survival is for pwBPD? The more I read the more I believe his income had nothing to do with it.

[DestroyedKnight]

My ud ex gf said only a week ago that she felt like her head was going underwater and she was drowning and the only way she knew how to survive was to push me away and act out which now she says she regrets.

The lies,the cheating and mind games etc etc I sincerely believe they have no idea that they are doing (dysregulation).All I know is my ex is in a world of pain inside that head of hers and she is trying to survive each and every day

[guy4caligirl]

Of course , it's a part of their extreme defense mechanism they possess .

It's a sad sad situation  .

[hashtag_loyal]

Well, pwBPD do have maladaptive coping mechanisms. I think major life stresses trigger a lot of their bad behavior.

For instance: "Had a tough day at work? What will take away the horrible, horrible pain and emptiness? I know! Seducing and sleeping with someone new! It's always worked before. I know I have a SO already, but that is already starting to feel like decaf. I need someone new in order to get just enough of a high to dull all these horrible feelings... ."

I'm sure that thought process does cross their minds (at least subconsciously) when they dissociate and cheat. At least that's my theory, anyway.

Looking back at my BPD r/s, I see what I think is pretty clear evidence of her cheating right after a stressful event, even if the stress had nothing to do with me. She'll never be able to be in a r/s with somebody until she is able to find healthier coping mechanisms.

[butterfly15]

Well, pwBPD do have maladaptive coping mechanisms. I think major life stresses trigger a lot of their bad behavior.

For instance: "Had a tough day at work? What will take away the horrible, horrible pain and emptiness? I know! Seducing and sleeping with someone new! It's always worked before. I know I have a SO already, but that is already starting to feel like decaf. I need someone new in order to get just enough of a high to dull all these horrible feelings... ."

I'm sure that thought process does cross their minds (at least subconsciously) when they dissociate and cheat. At least that's my theory, anyway.

Looking back at my BPD r/s, I see what I think is pretty clear evidence of her cheating right after a stressful event, even if the stress had nothing to do with me. She'll never be able to be in a r/s with somebody until she is able to find healthier coping mechanisms.

Make sense. I noticed after very stressful meetings or court dates he would just disappear for hours. Told me they just take him to bad place. He also gambled a lot. I really never knew where he was.

[greenmonkey]

Mine used to disappear, not say a word, answer the phone or anything.

Thinking about it, it was all stress related, the job she hated, communicating with her ex husband regarding access to see her son, her car not being looked after, generally life in general seemed to put her in survival mode. I had no idea of this until we lived together.

Then I found out about the pathological lies etc confronted her, silence she had been found out and off she went.

She is not hardwired properly to be able to deal with day to day life, and the ups and downs of a relationship - her illness took over 100% of the time with lies, cheating, rages, ST etc.

[outside9x]

Hi,

My EXBPDGF mentioned she would have to "REINVENT HERSELF AGAIN", to me this is changing things, and for her, that meant a lot of the physical change.  When I met her,  She had a boob job, Teeth implant, Tummy tuck, and veins in her legs removed.  Also, she started to go to church, do some charity work, belong to a movie club etc.  ( I thought what a great girl!)  The movie club, church, stuff etc, all ended shortly after we were together.  I couldn't get her to go to church on a bet!

When I left after a 2 year and a half of raging and belittling etc, she just had a face lift, neck lift, eye lift, and that had to cost plenty!  (Ready for the next , and told me the line per above!)

So, it's probably the same, they put on a fake persona.   

I hate to be cruel but if I saw her, I might say, now the inside matches the outside exactly.  Fake! !   (NO I wouldn't say it but I do think it when I get mad.)

SO, not sure exactly what he meant but they do redo themselves in one way or another.  I guess we all, do some of that in some ways to improve, but nothing like they do, and for them, except for the surgeries, it only last a short period.  They mirror who they would like to be not who they are or to really change anything.   It's all meant to induce the next one, and to feel good about themselves.  They give you the picture of a giving caring thoughtful person.  That doesn't last long!

Take care!

[SummerStorm]

Well, pwBPD do have maladaptive coping mechanisms. I think major life stresses trigger a lot of their bad behavior.

For instance: "Had a tough day at work? What will take away the horrible, horrible pain and emptiness? I know! Seducing and sleeping with someone new! It's always worked before. I know I have a SO already, but that is already starting to feel like decaf. I need someone new in order to get just enough of a high to dull all these horrible feelings... ."

I'm sure that thought process does cross their minds (at least subconsciously) when they dissociate and cheat. At least that's my theory, anyway.

Looking back at my BPD r/s, I see what I think is pretty clear evidence of her cheating right after a stressful event, even if the stress had nothing to do with me. She'll never be able to be in a r/s with somebody until she is able to find healthier coping mechanisms.

Yep.  Mine was, "Hey, I've realized I'm in love with my boyfriend.  He asked me to move in with him.  I'm starting a new position at work.  I just visited my parents in another state, and they are moving even farther away soon.  I just started cutting again, too.  What will make me feel better?  Oh, yes.  I can have sex with my best friend.  And while I'm at it, I'll get drunk at the same time."

 

[JSF13]

My exBPDgf ALWAYS talked about being a survivalist and a con artist. She also moved around a lot. She would run from everything and start over. I was waiting to see if this was ever brought up. Glad to hear I again wasn't alone

[hopealways]

My BPDx sister always referred to her as being in survival mode.

[SandWitch]

Thanks so much for sharing.  Echoes of validation and clarification about my relationship this last year.  I saw my exBPDbf today and felt very little past a bit of wistful familiarity.  Have been visiting and re-visiting just how much of the relationship and promises and plans were fantasy that he never followed through with. It seemed to help me -  realizing that i lost the illusion not the reality.  Which means as painful as it is I dodged a bullet getting out now even if I have to start from scratch with help from friends.  It could have been much worse if I had kept my head in the sand. 

[Climbmountains91]

Yesssss!

His trying to get through everyday so when he wakes up he says to himself "today you feel like ___ X so go out get some good food, go cinema, buy something even" or sometimes it results in him having days lying on the sofa binge watching a Netflix series he gets into and feeling sorry for himself or gaming in the evening, anything that takes him away from reality. The other survival mode is when his sick of himself to retreat to human contact and get drunk with them especially on a Saturday night, hating being alone so goes out gets out his face and then by doing this gets into debt and doesn't provide for our daughter. He already has a drink problem.

This is why his so determined to keep hold of his benefits. His always so paranoid 24/7 the governments gonna stop it and sometimes I wish they did so he would wake up ! His so trapped in this way of living, his life's so easy compared to other people's that work etc... And still he moans but I do get how painful the illness is I'm a recovering BPD and its crippling but he isn't living, his just surviving, it's so painful to watch. His got so much potential and passion in things and he just wastes it. He will go far in life if he changed his lifestyle but I guess only he can do that.

[butterfly15]

Yesssss!

His trying to get through everyday so when he wakes up he says to himself "today you feel like X so go out get some good food, go cinema, buy something even" or sometimes it results in him having days lying on the sofa binge watching a Netflix series he gets into and feeling sorry for himself or gaming in the evening, anything that takes him away from reality. The other survival mode is when his sick of himself to retreat to human contact and get drunk with them especially on a Saturday night, hating being alone so goes out gets out his face and then by doing this gets into debt and doesn't provide for our daughter. He already has a drink problem.

This is why his so determined to keep hold of his benefits. His always so paranoid 24/7 the governments gonna stop it and sometimes I wish they did so he would wake up ! His so trapped in this way of living, his life's so easy compared to other people's that work etc... And still he moans but I do get how painful the illness is I'm a recovering BPD and its crippling but he isn't living, his just surviving, it's so painful to watch. His got so much potential and passion in things and he just wastes it. He will go far in life if he changed his lifestyle but I guess only he can do that.

My ex didn't drink. He gambled. I think that has stopped however, he has moved on to a lot of sex instead. When he isn't doing that he is binge eating. Same, he has so much passion and could be such a wonderful person if he would just seek help. In his low points he has reached out to me telling me he wants to. Has not done it yet. I think he is afraid and actually enjoys this lifestyle. He is like a machine needs very little sleep and continues to go in all aspects. If he sought help I feel this behavior would have to seize.

[Climbmountains91]

Yesssss!

His trying to get through everyday so when he wakes up he says to himself "today you feel like X so go out get some good food, go cinema, buy something even" or sometimes it results in him having days lying on the sofa binge watching a Netflix series he gets into and feeling sorry for himself or gaming in the evening, anything that takes him away from reality. The other survival mode is when his sick of himself to retreat to human contact and get drunk with them especially on a Saturday night, hating being alone so goes out gets out his face and then by doing this gets into debt and doesn't provide for our daughter. He already has a drink problem.

This is why his so determined to keep hold of his benefits. His always so paranoid 24/7 the governments gonna stop it and sometimes I wish they did so he would wake up ! His so trapped in this way of living, his life's so easy compared to other people's that work etc... And still he moans but I do get how painful the illness is I'm a recovering BPD and its crippling but he isn't living, his just surviving, it's so painful to watch. His got so much potential and passion in things and he just wastes it. He will go far in life if he changed his lifestyle but I guess only he can do that.

My ex didn't drink. He gambled. I think that has stopped however, he has moved on to a lot of sex instead. When he isn't doing that he is binge eating. Same, he has so much passion and could be such a wonderful person if he would just seek help. In his low points he has reached out to me telling me he wants to. Has not done it yet. I think he is afraid and actually enjoys this lifestyle. He is like a machine needs very little sleep and continues to go in all aspects. If he sought help I feel this behavior would have to seize.

It sucks don't it, i think they move on one thing to the next if it doesn't hit the spot in self soothing them. My ex has had a CPN for four years now, he goes to two mental health groups a week, ones gardening where he goes to mess about in and doesn't do the actual task so he tells me and the other is where police and fire services etc... come in and talk about safety or something   he has a consultant he sees every nine months and is on meds but still this doesn't help him. They've turned him down for psychotherapy, my guess is because his drinking every night but personally i think that would help him a lot as i am doing it at the moment. Last year he had moments when he said he's gonna start going to AA meetings, he didn't but for him to be thinking about it, i felt proud of him and offered to come with him for support but NO! it was just a ''moment'' thing. I just feel like over the last four years this year is the worst his ever been, his spiralling big time. 

[troisette]

Mine described his "bubble". He described it as perfect, with his friends, just like when he was ten. And that I was now in his bubble with him.

I didn't want to be conscripted into a bubble of his design, not ours.

In the six months since we split, he's travelled overseas and within this country on holidays, at least five times.

I think running away is classic BPD behaviour. I'd be grateful if more experienced people can comment on this.

[butterfly15]

I still have difficulty with this statement from my ex. He always said he had to be in survival mode. I not being familiar with the illness always thought that meant just save your money, etc. Not spend hours on an  online dating site looking for people to have sex with. He was just online again last night for 5 hours straight ! It hurts because I feel strongly that he did this when we were together too. Meanwhile I thought he was just soo busy working and trying to get his life together! I try not to look but sometimes it helps me to know he's home and not with anyone else even though I know we aren't together.