Brokenhearted, does my ex have BPD?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey everyone. I'm new here and I’m hoping for a little insight after a breakup that’s left me completely heartbroken and confused.

I’m not sure how I even came to BPD, but after our “breakup,” I somehow stumbled upon the condition and began reading. I would say that he exhibited nearly all (except maybe two) of the traits. I began to learn about his past as we grew closer (or so I thought?), during the long-distance aspect of our relationship (circumstances eventually separated us for awhile). I thought we were really growing closer emotionally, to the point, near the end, where we fell in love with each other.

Sure, it was rocky at times, but the last few weeks before the end, we were literally on the phone or video chatting every night. We were inseparable, so-to-speak. And it was right before the “end,” when he finally came out and said “I love you.” He’d implied it a week or two earlier, but said that he didn’t want to admit it to himself. He’d told me that what he felt for me scared him, and that he’d never felt this way about a woman before. He would tell me that I was different, and told me on multiple occasions that I made him feel “safe.”

Anyway, I suppose I should tell you more about him that make me wonder about BPD:

-Very bad childhood and current dysfunctional family dynamics.

-Many many “unstable” relationships before me.

-Doesn't have many "close" friends.

-Had abused alcohol badly and had been promiscuous in the past.

-Female trust issues.

-Irresponsible, to an extent, with finances.

-Seems “lost,” like he has no direction in life (was different when we met).

-Would shut down on me if something I said bothered him or pissed him off. He would give me the silent treatment and I wouldn't even be aware of what upset him.

-Had been on anxiety medication.

-Hates confrontation and will do anything in his power NOT to be serious.

-Has an inability to describe and discuss his emotions. People showing their emotions makes him uncomfortable.

-Hated talking about the past, and talking about the future made him uncomfortable/uneasy.


So, my pain lies in the fact that our “break up” happened two weeks ago. All of a sudden, he just disappeared. And, as I said before, two days prior to this, he actually came out and SAID that he loves me. He hasn’t returned any calls or text messages. He hasn’t even said to leave him alone or told me that we were officially over. He would sometimes let my calls through, sometimes reject them, and sometimes block me completely (only to unblock me a day or so later). It seemed that he’d always let my texts go through. Also perplexing, he hasn’t deleted or blocked me from any social media.

After reading about BPD, I realized that I made the mistake of trying to contact him for the next couple of days since I heard from him last, and it was making me crazy (still is, actually), but I’ve since stopped. I’ve accepted that we are over, but I can’t understand what happened to make him disappear from me like this, with literally no word. And of course, I keep re-playing in my mind if there was anything that I did or said... but I keep coming up with nothing- we didn’t even have a fight. He just disappeared and it really broke my heart and has left me confused.

I’ve since started healing, and have no hate towards him. I still care deeply for him and hope that he's okay. I just wonder if it's possible he has BPD, and if I had put things together earlier, if I could've acted differently.

To any who have read this whole thing, thank you. Any insight (could it be BPD? Is this disappearing act common for BPD?), would be extremely appreciated.

[abk15]

Hey everyone. I'm new here and I’m hoping for a little insight after a breakup that’s left me completely heartbroken and confused.

I’m not sure how I even came to BPD, but after our “breakup,” I somehow stumbled upon the condition and began reading. I would say that he exhibited nearly all (except maybe two) of the traits. I began to learn about his past as we grew closer (or so I thought?), during the long-distance aspect of our relationship (circumstances eventually separated us for awhile). I thought we were really growing closer emotionally, to the point, near the end, where we fell in love with each other.

Sure, it was rocky at times, but the last few weeks before the end, we were literally on the phone or video chatting every night. We were inseparable, so-to-speak. And it was right before the “end,” when he finally came out and said “I love you.” He’d implied it a week or two earlier, but said that he didn’t want to admit it to himself. He’d told me that what he felt for me scared him, and that he’d never felt this way about a woman before. He would tell me that I was different, and told me on multiple occasions that I made him feel “safe.”

Anyway, I suppose I should tell you more about him that make me wonder about BPD:

-Very bad childhood and current dysfunctional family dynamics.

-Many many “unstable” relationships before me.

-Doesn't have many "close" friends.

-Had abused alcohol badly and had been promiscuous in the past.

-Female trust issues.

-Irresponsible, to an extent, with finances.

-Seems “lost,” like he has no direction in life (was different when we met).

-Would shut down on me if something I said bothered him or pissed him off. He would give me the silent treatment and I wouldn't even be aware of what upset him.

-Had been on anxiety medication.

-Hates confrontation and will do anything in his power NOT to be serious.

-Has an inability to describe and discuss his emotions. People showing their emotions makes him uncomfortable.

-Hated talking about the past, and talking about the future made him uncomfortable/uneasy.


So, my pain lies in the fact that our “break up” happened two weeks ago. All of a sudden, he just disappeared. And, as I said before, two days prior to this, he actually came out and SAID that he loves me. He hasn’t returned any calls or text messages. He hasn’t even said to leave him alone or told me that we were officially over. He would sometimes let my calls through, sometimes reject them, and sometimes block me completely (only to unblock me a day or so later). It seemed that he’d always let my texts go through. Also perplexing, he hasn’t deleted or blocked me from any social media.

After reading about BPD, I realized that I made the mistake of trying to contact him for the next couple of days since I heard from him last, and it was making me crazy (still is, actually), but I’ve since stopped. I’ve accepted that we are over, but I can’t understand what happened to make him disappear from me like this, with literally no word. And of course, I keep re-playing in my mind if there was anything that I did or said... but I keep coming up with nothing- we didn’t even have a fight. He just disappeared and it really broke my heart and has left me confused.

I’ve since started healing, and have no hate towards him. I still care deeply for him and hope that he's okay. I just wonder if it's possible he has BPD, and if I had put things together earlier, if I could've acted differently.

To any who have read this whole thing, thank you. Any insight (could it be BPD? Is this disappearing act common for BPD?), would be extremely appreciated.

[focus]

Hi abk and welcome.

I'm sorry you are hurt.

The way you describe him it seems he has attachment issues and shows a lot of typical BPD traits.

You couldn't have done anything even if you put the pieces together right away.

I know how confused you are feeling. It is confusing and hurtful.

How are you holding up?

[Mutt]

Hi abk15,



I'm sorry to hear about your exuBPDbf and his difficult childhood.  I agree with focus. A criterion for BPD is insecure attachment patterns. We're not doctors and cannot diagnose but what we can look at are traits of the borderline personality type.

Criterion for BPD psychopathology are unstable interpersonal relationships, a history of broken relationships and fear of aloneness. A pwBPD want emotional intimacy but become triggered when we are close to them and they push us away, the distance triggers abandonment fears and they pull us closer. The push / pull behavior can feel like crazy making behavior for a non disordered partner.

It seemed that he’d always let my texts go through.

Text messages are less emotional than talking on the phone. Many of our members share similar experiences and can offer you guidance and support. It helps to talk.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder

[EaglesJuju]

Hi abk15,

Welcome aboard. 

I am sorry that you are going through this.  It can be so difficult trying to make sense out of something that seems to defy logic. I completely understand how confusing and heartbreaking it is to have someone tell you that they love you and cut communication.  The behavior is completely contradictory.

As Mutt mentioned, people with BPD (pwBPD) have abandonment fears and fear of rejection. The worst thing for someone who has abandonment fears is the thought that their loved one will eventually leave. Many times pwBPD make their worst fears possible through the silent treatment or other maladaptive behavior, which can push their partner away.  It is a paradox. The paradoxical behavior has a lot to do with a pwBPD's poor self-esteem, shame, self-loathing. It is very common for people who were raised in a bad/abusive/invalidating environment to have issues with shame, poor self-esteem, guilt, and self-loathing. They become conditioned to think and feel as if they are a horrible, evil, worthless, etc. person.  This is a reason why a pwBPD will reject you before you reject them. They are afraid that you will see the image they have of themselves.  Sometimes they do not believe they are worthy of your love. 

Sharing your story really helps when you are feeling confused. Perhaps you can tell us more about your relationship?

[abk15]

Hi abk and welcome.

I'm sorry you are hurt.

The way you describe him it seems he has attachment issues and shows a lot of typical BPD traits.

You couldn't have done anything even if you put the pieces together right away.

I know how confused you are feeling. It is confusing and hurtful.

How are you holding up?

My emotions have felt like a rollercoaster lately. While I've been getting better and more accepting of this situation, I still get really down. Remembering the good times and then the confusion... .it just still hurts.

"Attachment issues"- that makes so much sense! And you're probably right. Even if I had put the pieces together sooner, I'm not sure that much of this could've been avoided, especially since I can't force him to talk.  :'(

[abk15]

Hi abk15,



I'm sorry to hear about your exuBPDbf and his difficult childhood.  I agree with focus. A criterion for BPD is insecure attachment patterns. We're not doctors and cannot diagnose but what we can look at are traits of the borderline personality type.

Criterion for BPD psychopathology are unstable interpersonal relationships, a history of broken relationships and fear of aloneness. A pwBPD want emotional intimacy but become triggered when we are close to them and they push us away, the distance triggers abandonment fears and they pull us closer. The push / pull behavior can feel like crazy making behavior for a non disordered partner.

It seemed that he’d always let my texts go through.

Text messages are less emotional than talking on the phone. Many of our members share similar experiences and can offer you guidance and support. It helps to talk.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder

As I read more about BPD (and now, attachment issues!), it's all starting to make more sense.

It really does help to talk about it and I'm so thankful for your responses so far. It just doesn't stop hurting, no matter how much I read up on what the possibilities could be. And it just makes me more sad for him, wishing he would let me "help" him (even if it's just by letting me be there for him).

[abk15]

Hi abk15,

Welcome aboard. 

I am sorry that you are going through this.  It can be so difficult trying to make sense out of something that seems to defy logic. I completely understand how confusing and heartbreaking it is to have someone tell you that they love you and cut communication.  The behavior is completely contradictory.

As Mutt mentioned, people with BPD (pwBPD) have abandonment fears and fear of rejection. The worst thing for someone who has abandonment fears is the thought that their loved one will eventually leave. Many times pwBPD make their worst fears possible through the silent treatment or other maladaptive behavior, which can push their partner away.  It is a paradox. The paradoxical behavior has a lot to do with a pwBPD's poor self-esteem, shame, self-loathing. It is very common for people who were raised in a bad/abusive/invalidating environment to have issues with shame, poor self-esteem, guilt, and self-loathing. They become conditioned to think and feel as if they are a horrible, evil, worthless, etc. person.  This is a reason why a pwBPD will reject you before you reject them. They are afraid that you will see the image they have of themselves.  Sometimes they do not believe they are worthy of your love. 

Sharing your story really helps when you are feeling confused. Perhaps you can tell us more about your relationship?

Exactly, it's the confusing contradictory behavior that won't let my mind stop. Well, that and the fact that I still love him. I can't stop going back to the last time I heard from him and the days after. It was like a complete 180- how can you just decide that you no longer want someone in your life?

Up until maybe two days ago, I still had hope that I would hear from him. I never expected him to end things like this, because I thought we had more respect for each other. That, and I believed everything he said he felt for me. I still can't believe that he was lying.

We'd gotten progressively closer emotionally; with opening up to each other. We brought out each other's vulnerable side at times and I just still can't believe any of this.

Though, I wonder... .I believe I had read that BPD's can have "triggers." So, I'm wondering if his family may be acting as his trigger. It's since he's been back home around them that I've noticed more traits, learned more about him, and then this happened... .all while he was there.

[EaglesJuju]

Exactly, it's the confusing contradictory behavior that won't let my mind stop. Well, that and the fact that I still love him. I can't stop going back to the last time I heard from him and the days after. It was like a complete 180- how can you just decide that you no longer want someone in your life?

For a pwBPD it's not a planned thought, their behavior tends to be impulsive and driven by their momentary feelings. The behavior is confusing if you are looking at it from a non-BPD perspective. I have found when I examined the behavior of my bf from a "non" perspective it just made me even more confused. Once I started understanding the behavior from a BPD perspective, things started to make a little bit more sense. Learning about BPD behavior helps makes sense out of things. 

Up until maybe two days ago, I still had hope that I would hear from him. I never expected him to end things like this, because I thought we had more respect for each other. That, and I believed everything he said he felt for me. I still can't believe that he was lying.

I can understand how you can feel like he was lying. I have felt the same way too.  I had my bf tell me in the same text line, I love you so much, you need to move on. It's a complete contradiction and either way I would perceive it, it could seem like a lie.  A few months later he told me that the reason why he told me to move on was because he felt that I was "too good for him" and he loved me so much and did not want to drag me down.

We'd gotten progressively closer emotionally; with opening up to each other. We brought out each other's vulnerable side at times and I just still can't believe any of this.

Emotional closeness can trigger a pwBPD's fears of engulfment. As much as pwBPD have abandonment fears, they tend to have fears of engulfment. Engulfment fears are related to the feeling like your identity or sense of self is being "swallowed" up by your partner. Many times a pwBPD will distance themselves because of this feeling. Feelings are like kryptonite to a pwBPD. PwBPD feel things more intensely than most people.

[abk15]

For a pwBPD it's not a planned thought, their behavior tends to be impulsive and driven by their momentary feelings. The behavior is confusing if you are looking at it from a non-BPD perspective. I have found when I examined the behavior of my bf from a "non" perspective it just made me even more confused. Once I started understanding the behavior from a BPD perspective, things started to make a little bit more sense. Learning about BPD behavior helps makes sense out of things. 

Thinking of it as impulsive makes a little more sense, but even then... .the continued silence. Unless he feels embarrassment and shame for what he did now? There's been so many times where he could've reached out during these past two weeks. Or, I suppose, it's possible where he really did somehow find a way to blame me or place fault on me about it.

I can understand how you can feel like he was lying. I have felt the same way too.  I had my bf tell me in the same text line, I love you so much, you need to move on. It's a complete contradiction and either way I would perceive it, it could seem like a lie.  A few months later he told me that the reason why he told me to move on was because he felt that I was "too good for him" and he loved me so much and did not want to drag me down.

Do you mind if I asked about your situation? For instance; was he the one to come back and contact you, and did you two get back together?

I'm very torn right now, this whole thing has made me realize that it would be foolish to continue a relationship if we reconciled, despite how much I love him. The only way I would be able to start another romantic relationship with him is if he came back to my state again. At this point, I really really doubt I'll ever hear from him again though.

Emotional closeness can trigger a pwBPD's fears of engulfment. As much as pwBPD have abandonment fears, they tend to have fears of engulfment. Engulfment fears are related to the feeling like your identity or sense of self is being "swallowed" up by your partner. Many times a pwBPD will distance themselves because of this feeling. Feelings are like kryptonite to a pwBPD. PwBPD feel things more intensely than most people.

I can totally understand the engulfment, and who knows? Maybe that's what happened with him. He did say that his feelings for me scared him. So, maybe he took my continued efforts to contact him as engulfing him. I suppose it's possible. I'm even starting to feel guilty about how much I tried to contact him afterwards! I keep telling myself that I did what any normal person in a relationship would do if their significant other just ceased all contact for no apparent reason. I tried everything; one day I would give him space, the next I would reach out, then I'd try to make light of it, more space, reach out. It really got to the point where I just had no idea what to do anymore.

With the more that I read about BPD traits, the more I'm putting pieces together and it's starting to make sense.

I'm very thankful for your responses so far, and I hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

[babyducks]

Do you mind if I asked about your situation? For instance; was he the one to come back and contact you, and did you two get back together?

Hi abk15,

I can't speak for Eagles but I can say in my situation my partner and I were apart for a while, to allow emotions to cool.  there was a lot of emotional reactivity going on for both of us.  we were apart for about 9 months.  things had gotten very bad between us and we had a lot to overcome.   I needed to make a decision I could stick with, either to stay or to go.  and I needed to look beyond some of the negative things that had occurred in our relationship.   that took a while.   I came here and learned a lot.   Like Eagles mentioned I learned about BPD and to not take things too personally.   I desperately needed to learn different communication skills.   When we started to come back together again I was able to view the relationship differently and act differently.   That helped a great deal.   

'ducks