Thanksgiving is coming up..

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hey all,

I'm a 22 year old child of a father who shows very strong signs he struggles with BPD.

I've been in therapy for 3-4 years now, and have been working to manage my relationship with my father for a similar length of time. My dad is still married to my mom, bless her heart, but with the awareness I've found myself, it seems she has been finding some of her own and I'm not sure if their relationship will be able to last.

I recently had an uncomfortable conversation with him when I dropped my fiancé off to do some work at my parents' house but didn't have the energy to come in. He texted me to let me know his feelings were hurt, but when I told him that because of the passive aggressive and manipulative way he'd been behaving for several weeks, I simply didn't have the energy to interact with him but I appreciated him being honest about his feelings(mostly because that's a new thing for him)

If the interaction has ended there, I would have felt great about it. But he proceeded to do what he always does... says I only see the bad in him, says he's tried all his life to be a good parent, and if I just refuse to see the good in him there's no point in going and staying in therapy(something I've asked him to do for the sake of preserving our relationship, and he saw someone for a while, then stopped because he said "It never helps."

I struggle with self doubt immensely, and I'm really looking for validation.

I haven't spoken to him for a few days, but I know I'm going to see him on Thanksgiving and I'm already exhausted.

Anyone have any similar feelings, or advice?

[whiplash]

Hey all,

I'm a 22 year old child of a father who shows very strong signs he struggles with BPD.

I've been in therapy for 3-4 years now, and have been working to manage my relationship with my father for a similar length of time. My dad is still married to my mom, bless her heart, but with the awareness I've found myself, it seems she has been finding some of her own and I'm not sure if their relationship will be able to last.

I recently had an uncomfortable conversation with him when I dropped my fiancé off to do some work at my parents' house but didn't have the energy to come in. He texted me to let me know his feelings were hurt, but when I told him that because of the passive aggressive and manipulative way he'd been behaving for several weeks, I simply didn't have the energy to interact with him but I appreciated him being honest about his feelings(mostly because that's a new thing for him)

If the interaction has ended there, I would have felt great about it. But he proceeded to do what he always does... says I only see the bad in him, says he's tried all his life to be a good parent, and if I just refuse to see the good in him there's no point in going and staying in therapy(something I've asked him to do for the sake of preserving our relationship, and he saw someone for a while, then stopped because he said "It never helps."

I struggle with self doubt immensely, and I'm really looking for validation.

I haven't spoken to him for a few days, but I know I'm going to see him on Thanksgiving and I'm already exhausted.

Anyone have any similar feelings, or advice?

[tenacity]

Hi whiplash and welcome!   

I am sorry you are going through this with your father. It is never easy and sure does wear you down and increase the feelings of self doubt. It looks like you already have some VERY good self care practice going on and that is great. You were very wise to just let the conversation go and take some time to yourself these last couple days. Their conversations are just so circular and truly exhausting. It sounds like he is seeing the growth in you and feels very threatened by it... .and is "fighting" it the only way he knows how, by trying to make you feel bad. He is trying his darnedest to make YOU responsible for HIS feelings. And the only one responsible for that is him.  I went through many similar situations with my BPD/npd mom and enabling father and it was beyond frustrating. Since you have to see him on Thanksgiving, continue to not let yourself be dragged into the conversations... .and do your best not to react. It really sounds like you are already doing these things. Keep up the great work. My favorite comeback to my parents, was "sorry you feel that way."... .and then I would drop it.   You are on a good path with how you are handling him! Before the holiday try to pamper  yourself and do all that you can to take care of you... .same with the day after.  You have done nothing wrong 

[Kwamina]

Hi whiplash

Dealing with A BPD parent can be quite difficult indeed. Having a support network can be invaluable and that's why I'm glad you have the support of a therapist.

It's unfortunate though that your dad didn't stick with his therapy, perhaps he will return in the future. Time will tell. Do you feel that your dad has ever in any way truly acknowledged that there might be something wrong with his behavior, specifically the way he treats you?

Have you discussed this latest incident with your therapist?

There are certain tools that can really help in communications with someone with BPD, such as S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N.. Are you familiar with these tools? They can help you express and assert yourself in a way that minimizes the likelihood of (further) conflict while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to the other person. These structured ways of communicating can also help you stay (more) calm yourself.

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily