Do they seek people who are inferior matches?

[reachingoutuk]

Worthwhile thread.

I'm going to use the dreaded spectrum word here and suggest that BPD includes a pretty broad range of personality types and behavioural traits and it's worth bearing in mind that BPD is frequently comorbid with other conditions which have a significant bearing on how they who they choose to attach to and how they interact with them.

I think they are frequently drawn towards people who they think will make them feel safe and offer stability and a seemingly secure sense of self that they lack.

As Cosmonaut says, a refuge from the storm.

Their judgement is often suspect because their perception of others and their ability to judge character and behaviour is very skewed by their disorder.

My ex told me that she was drawn to my kindness. She also suggested that I was out of her league though she was a beautiful woman.

Ultimately I think many BPDs are drawn towards people who they think - and again it's worth remembering that their perceptions are pretty unreliable - can give offer them safety, a secure attachment and a strong sense of self.

Unfortunately their poor sense of self, fear of abandonment, and desperate need to attach can often cause them to make poor choices.

These can range from being unhealthily codependent i.e. being in a relationship with someone who enables them doesn't help them confront their illness or get better, or downright destructive -  it's well documented that BPDs are frequently drawn to narcissists because on the surface they seem so confidant and certain of who they are...

I'm not suggesting that is always the case, but it certainly happens. Interestingly some therapists describe BPDs as failed narcissists.

Reforming

I think the same, but those relationships don't last, specially with narcissists. The power struggle is too extreme and the anxiety is explosive. The only type of personality that brings assurance is codependency, the bad part is that it breeds contempt and subsequently abuse.

Well I think I'm as codependent as they come so if what you're saying is true that would explain why out of all her many ex's her longest ever relationship was 2 years yet I did nearly 10 years with her until she eventually got bored & started planning for a new relationship with my replacement behind my back.

[FannyB]

Hi

My ex most certainly didn't have a type. Looks weren't important to her - though her exh, was a good looking guy. I think their attractions are needs based. Average looking guys probably went gaga over her on first date which made it easier for her to idealize them as potentially being 'the one'. If they were more standoffish then that might trigger abandonment fears.


Fanny

[Alberto]

Well I think I'm as codependent as they come so if what you're saying is true that would explain why out of all her many ex's her longest ever relationship was 2 years yet I did nearly 10 years with her until she eventually got bored & started planning for a new relationship with my replacement behind my back.

The only way a person terrified of abandonment can feel safe is doing awful things and seeing the loved one endure it and come back for more.

[shatra]

Alberto wrote

The only way a person terrified of abandonment can feel safe is doing awful things and seeing the loved one endure it and come back for more.

---I have seen that even then, they don't feel safe. Abandonment fear is part of the disorder, so unless they are recovered, they will feel that way no matter what the partner does. Partner can marry them and write in stone their undying love and the BPD will still fear abandonment.

Fanny wrote

Average looking guys probably went gaga over her on first date which made it easier for her to idealize them as potentially being 'the one'. If they were more standoffish then that might trigger abandonment fears.

----True, but the gaga ones will eventually make the BPDS feel engulfed, and  even the non-standoffish ones will eventually make them feel abandoned.  Being standoffish will likely not trigger the engulfment as much, true, but eventually, no matter what the partner seems to do, the BPD will struggle with abanonment and engulfment fears.

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex:

-Unemployed

-Dresses poorly

-Bad manners

-Little relationship experience

-Financial train wreck

Me:

-Employed

-Conscientious about my appearance

-Good manners (having literally been trained akin to finishing school)

-Maintained a relationship for over a decade

-Financially stable

I'm also almost ten years younger than he is. 

His last ex was a drug-using single mother in a filthy house, though.  So I guess it goes both ways.  I think they are so desperate for attention that they take whatever they can get, and sometimes that means ending up with someone who is more desperate than they are.

For someone with abandonment fears, however, my ex was completely oblivious to the fact that I was out of his league.  He really did not understand that he was going to have to up his game.

[Herodias]

I suppose it's whomever they can manipulate at the time. I understand what you are saying though... .my stbx has always been with really low class women. Not attractive and usually fat. His Mother called the current one "trash"! I am somewhat over weight, but not at all unattractive. I also have my own business and have good taste. He used me for money I think, as he manipulated me into paying for lots of expensive hobbies for him! As well as name brand items and clothes for work. He worked his way up from a stock clerk in a store to a manager while I was with him. I would say he comes from a conservative family and likes nice things. Now he is with a young girl (I am older than him) who is from the country. She has bad taste, bad teeth and looks like a witch without the mole. My friends say this, not me. I don't get it. She has no money and this is the first year he has not been up for a promotion. His credit cards are all full now due to his cheating while with me... .he has nothing. He actually told me he can manipulate her and me. He says he can dump her like that (snaps his fingers)... .maybe not anymore though, I think she is pregnant . They have come out on FB after being together since Feb. I believe. They both were cheating on their spouses (I being one) about 2 years ago now. He has had several affairs and the one that was in my bed last Xmas was another he recycles. She is very tacky and has two kids by different men. I don't understand how he went from having the best of the best of everything and now he has nothing. I can't imagine he is really happy and I bet he is looking for someone else as we speak.  It's just amazing. He used to put me down for my education as well, saying it was my "southern education" when I said something he did't like. Thing is, I went to school in Chicago and he knew that! He would just say it to get a rise out of me! ... .I can only imagine how bad he will put her down when that begins, if it hasn't already. He yelled at me that she was "cheap"... .   I said you can say that again... .Maybe he had trouble keeping up appearances, but I know his parents were very impressed with me and liked the people I knew. They enjoyed visiting, which made him happy. This gf is planning on moving him to a small town in TN... .next year close to her family. I hope he goes with her!  He mostly has affairs with women from work. The ones before me were from school in his home town. One was a drug addict and one became a lesbian. His Mother confirmed... .It's all strange. I don't think it matters as long as they are getting something out of it. Mostly freedom to do what ever they want... .no questioning.

[Reforming]

My ex:

-Unemployed

-Dresses poorly

-Bad manners

-Little relationship experience

-Financial train wreck

Me:

-Employed

-Conscientious about my appearance

-Good manners (having literally been trained akin to finishing school)

-Maintained a relationship for over a decade

-Financially stable

I'm also almost ten years younger than he is. 

His last ex was a drug-using single mother in a filthy house, though.  So I guess it goes both ways.  I think they are so desperate for attention that they take whatever they can get, and sometimes that means ending up with someone who is more desperate than they are.

For someone with abandonment fears, however, my ex was completely oblivious to the fact that I was out of his league.  He really did not understand that he was going to have to up his game.

It's certainly sounds like there was a huge disparity between you and your ex. I don't mean to intrude but what do you think drew you to him?

Reforming

[shatra]

Reforming wrote re: GEM

It's certainly sounds like there was a huge disparity between you and your ex. I don't mean to intrude but what do you think drew you to him?

----Also, what drew him to you? With you being so much more appealing in these areas, do you think he felt intimidated by you, and threatened? Also, he was probably thinking you would abandon him one day (BPDS assume this anyway, and especially if the partner is more desirable than the BPD, and can find a "better" partner)