Sadness mourning and grief

[kellycat]

I have been no contact with my elderly sick mother now in a nursing home dementia floor... ,since march.  I take care of all her finances and my brother checks in on her. He monitors her health. I have been trying to recover my sanity since I went nc... after solely taking care of her for 7 years after my dad died.  It has been a more relaxed atmosphere now and I am showing signs of happiness.  However there are times I feel so sad I couldn't be with her in at this time .  But even my counselor says I should stay away.

I repressed her deception toward everyone and her jealousy and hatred toward me. When I finally woke up and remembered alot of secrets... .I was so angry then sad then finally I remembered she was making me physically sick on purpose when i was a child. Mostly to humiliate me but if my grandparents weren't there I wonder if she would have killed me.  So I now mourn the mother I never had... .mourn the loss of my entire reality of childhood.  It's even caused me to change my religion. So that's where I am at now... .safe... .loved by son and husband... .and still struggling to process who I was or thought I was... .and maintain a joyful attitude toward life. Repression may have served me at one time... .but realizing the truth... releases me from guilt shame and fear.

[Turkish]

What is the truth that you have realized, kellykat?

[Kwamina]

Welcome back kellycat

You've clearly been through a very difficult childhood with your mom. I am sorry you had these tough experiences.

I remembered she was making me physically sick on purpose when i was a child. Mostly to humiliate me but if my grandparents weren't there I wonder if she would have killed me.

This is really horrible that your mother was making you physically sick. Is this something you would like to discuss here further? If you do, could you elaborate on what your mother did exactly to make you sick?

How did she use this to try and humiliate you?

Guilt, shame and fear are very powerful emotions that can keep us 'trapped' so I am very glad that you've been able to let go of these feelings.

When you look at the Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse in the right-hand side margin of this board, where do you feel you are now? Are there any particular areas listed there that you currently find yourself struggling with or working on?

[busybee1116]

Oh kellycat. I sometimes fool myself into believing things will get easier as she gets older, dies. I have a feeling that won't happen. I'm grieving the mother I never had, the childhood I never had, it's a lot. For me, crying and being sad helps--just grieve. I don't wallow and mope, but I don't repress it either. I imagine little me and love her like I wish I had been loved. I have also found other things that I consider to be mothering comforts. My hot tub is one of them. Probably sounds strange to say my hot tub is my mother, but it is warmer, more relaxing than she is and I float free of responsibility while I am in it. I have cried more tears and had more happy thoughts in that hot tub! I also seek out love and relationships from other women that I consider mentors. I think of those relationships as untiring and mothering and it helps.