It's Been a Year

[Joe1290]

My Ex BPD left me over a year ago. Immediately after she left I lost a good friend suddenly. I have struggled to stay NC and at times have not contacted her for months. I went out last night and when I was coming home I sent her a simple text "I Love You"

I'm stuck in this cycle! I'm living in a hell that I hide from others. I miss her, I'm lonely and frankly I'm bored. I have a good job and good friends, I have a great family and yet I feel so empty.

Can anyone relate?

[JRT]

Its been over a year for me and I think of her all of the time Joe. You are not alone. I have a good job, lots of friends and even have a committed GF! Even if she was not a BPD given the circumstances, I probably would still think about her a bit. Just wanted to let you know that you are far from being alone in this respect and that I think that it might be reasonably normal to feel this way especially if you were together for a long time and were close (I was with mine for 2 years and we spent most of non-work time together. We got engaged and were living together at the the time of discard. We never fought or even disagreed about anything).

Hang in there! These are not easy relationships to get over. In my case, she is slipping away into the abyss albeit slowly.

[valet]

Hey Joe, I get where you're coming from.

The way I see it now, my relationship was like having a really great book idea, writing all but the last chapter, and then suddenly losing the manuscript! It turns out that sometimes we lose things. I think that you're in the right place to deal with those emotions here.

It's alright to feel like you have to hide. I think that it's natural when we suffer from pain. We don't want to look weak. In my experience, however, when I hide things from the people closest to me it is really just because I am hiding from myself.

You say you're struggling with NC. Has your ex responded to any of your attempts?

[Mutt]

I can see how that would be a difficult after suffering two losses. I think that it can be really hard when we lose someone that was close that offered support. Do you have a T to work through this grief?

[Joe1290]

Thanks for your support. My ex has responded in the past but not this time. I do have a great therapist. I want to turn the corner. Some background, we met as she was divorcing. She was over 10 years younger. She was unbelievably insecure. We would talk for hours, sometimes all night. She engulfed me.

I had just gotten out of a ten year relationship where she left me under bad circumstances. She was communicating with a coworker. She may have been borderline as she switched it off overnight. I was vulnerable. I told her I loved her in a month.

[Suzn]

I can relate Joe. Facing the pain of a breakup is hard and we all grieve at our own pace. Glad to see you posting, it can help you get through the boredom.

frankly I'm bored.

I made the same comment to my T a couple months after my breakup and it won me a standing weekly appt after we had just changed my sessions to bi-weekly. She told me "let's get you through this boredom." I was indeed vulnerable. I later found out this boredom was a symptom of my withdrawals from the drama and enmeshment. What we experience in these relationships can be akin to addiction. There were many recycles in my r/s history due to this boredom, not only with the last exBPDgf but with others in my past. It was a pattern and it was mine.

I was vulnerable. I told her I loved her in a month.

This is insightful. Feeling lonely and sad is part of the grieving process. We can get past this if we allow ourselves to feel that sadness all the way through to the other side. As painful as it is, allowing ourselves to cry and sit with these emotions instead of burying them in the excitement of a new r/s can help us break a pattern that doesn't serve us well in the long run.

Do you see your vulnerability right now?

[Joe1290]

Ironically I was at a bi-weekly appointment. I now have a weekly appointment . I too have gone back to my old gfs to ease the pain.  I have to remind myself that I have great potential and a potentially good life. My self-esteem took a huge hit and I feel betrayed by her. But I am free from being "grounded" by her insecurity and constant monitoring.

[OnceConfused]

Joel:

The most important issue here is WHAT DO YOU WANT?

do you want to stay in this cycle of "

I'm stuck in this cycle! I'm living in a hell that I hide from others. I miss her, I'm lonely and frankly I'm bored. I have a good job and good friends, I have a great family and yet I feel so empty.

  ?

Or do you want to get out and move on?

It is all up to you. You have great family and great friends, why don't you reconnect with them, and also find new friend. They are your greatest support structures.