He says he doesn't see much of a future and that we're probably over,

[misuniadziubek]

Honestly, he hasn't said anything like that in months. Our relationship was stable for so long.

I am kind of falling apart here. I have so many things in my life that are already stressing me out, this is becoming too much.

Long story short, I can't come to see him because his roommate has beef with me and refuses to have me over.

We were supposed to see each other for thanksgiving but I had to take my younger brother for a psych evaluation today and it's not something that can be rescheduled. I didn't find out about it until Monday. My parents' English is pretty bad so they needed me to fill out all the forms.

I write my BPDbf a message saying that I love him.

Bf: meh.

Me: I'm sorry. I have bigger fish to fry right now. My brother has become really aggressive.

BF: K. Well I'm glad this isn't important to you either.

I'm pretty sure we're done anyways.

This whole thing is just a breakup on pause.

I mean,  I don't see a future with you.

I've kinda realized this whole life isn't gonna be about you learning not to let me down

It's gonna be a series of you consistently letting me down

Then coming up with flimsy excuses that  you can only convince yourself to believe, about how it's ok and justified

I can't see you anyways,  you've got it so bad.(Regarding his roommate not letting me come up)

Me: It's not okay and I feel terrible... But this is something I had to do

BF:

You played with fire on bridges you knew were already shaky

And as for this no

You should have known

Me: I can't do anything about the fact that this was on Thanksgiving

I didn't know until Monday.

BF: I mean he also has parents I think

I mean,  with how it is anymore you wouldn't know it

ME: Yeah but the shrink requested that I be there

BF: But it is true (he's got parents)

Me: This is important. He's never had an assessment before. You wait months for this sort of things

BF:You have things come up like you're Mika (his roommates flaky S.O)

If you wait mon5hs

I can't see them giving you two days notice

Honestly I'm more pissed that you tried some weak ass lie

Like I was gonna buy it

You said you thought I meant at night (I thought we could have thanksgiving dinner later in the evening. Didn't realise that he had decided to go to some family thing)

Which means either you must have known before Tuesday

Or you didn't know before Tuesday and that was a lie

And even if you didn't know that is a weak ass excuse to begin with,  still not even acceptable reason

ME: The main psych assesment ... .takes months. The pre-assesment, they said they would to call the week of as soon as someone was available.

Also, yeah, when i found out,, i thought, welp, that sucks, but maybe it will be okay because you wanna hang later in the day

Anyways, the pre-assesment was a f-ing nightmare... my brother got super aggressive and my mom left me there with him, and the shrink gave up and told me i could leave

So im pretty f-ing shaken up. I had to tackle my brother to keep him from attacking f-ing pedestrians on the road.

My brother is high-functioning autistic but lately he's been having episodes of aggression.

I know I'm JADE-ing and probably handling this terribly, but after the day I've had and the crazy cr*p he's given me over not being able to be there, I'm plainly exhausted. I started my morning off with a panic attack, so that's a good gauge of how strong my mental health is lately.

[misuniadziubek]

Yeah. He blocked me. Things havent been or felt this bad in months. I only gave us another chance because I thought that things could truly improve between us. Because they were improving. But something set him off again and now we're back to where we were before.

And I'm in so much pain right now. I already am having enough fights with my mother. This is just like a knife to the back when I'm already down.

'

shut your always running f-ing mouth

and listen

you keep saying you cant change that

but when you say that

it usually means i cant change the past but i can only try to change what comes next

but you do the same sh**

and use the same line

every time

so its meaningless

youre damn near saying that abou things that havent even happened yet

you can say you can't change that for things that will happen next week

because youd be right

ive come to accept

youre useless

and you probably always will be

and that's just what i have to either live with, or change

and it's kinda my fault youre right

shut up

delete whatever youre writing

its just like I told jenny

if someone wont change

you have to either make a change or accept it

so it is my fault

because I'm keeping you around

maybe because I dont have the time or energy to deal with not

or because i have some hope things might be different

but ive had two years of seeing they probably wont

so i dont know why i might think that

because you can change small things

but at your core youre always going to opt to be useless

then spend your time fighting to be able to keep being useless

and finding ways to justify your uselessness

instead of actually really fu-ing changing

so, yeah

And then he blocked me entirely.Said he's going to have a great day without me tomorrow. And I'm just a crumpled up ball of sadness and abandonment. And I hate myself for falling back into this stuff, for giving us another shot. I'm so exhausted of these fights. I'm at my wits end here.

The whole roommate thing was ridiculous, but at least I learned from it. But I don't think he's moved on or accepted it. Things are just sh** all over the place.

[Turkish]

It would be so crucial to have a supportive partner and friend here, because you've got a lot on your plate. I'm glad that you realized that you were JADEing, because I was going to say... .

I won't fault you at all for taking care of your family. That sounds like a scary situation.

You already identified your JADE. It's probably hard to compartmentalize your r/s apart from your family issues. His blocking doesn't help. If he unblocks, what would you do differently?

[Notwendy]

Miz,

You took a break from him a while back, and worked on yourself. During this time, you grew and seemed significantly happier after taking time to get to know yourself and do things for yourself.

This isn't to tell you what to do, but to try to look at another side to your BF blocking you right now. I understand that this is scary and sad, but it could also be an opportunity to do what you did before- focus on your self growth regardless of what he decides to do. He may unblock you, he may not. He may want this to be over, he may not. However, you can use this time to focus on taking care of yourself and deciding what you want.

[misuniadziubek]

Miz,

You took a break from him a while back, and worked on yourself. During this time, you grew and seemed significantly happier after taking time to get to know yourself and do things for yourself.

This isn't to tell you what to do, but to try to look at another side to your BF blocking you right now. I understand that this is scary and sad, but it could also be an opportunity to do what you did before- focus on your self growth regardless of what he decides to do. He may unblock you, he may not. He may want this to be over, he may not. However, you can use this time to focus on taking care of yourself and deciding what you want.

I mean, you are absolutely right. Rationally, I look at this situation and that's really the only direction I can go and I have every plan to do so. I have lots of time and space to reflect on myself and push myself in the right direction in my life.

But from an emotional perspective, I'm kind of devastated. Things were going really well for a while. For almost three months, we were stable as a couple. I wasn't worried. My defenses weren't completely down since I have to be always ready to handle conflict, but they were down for much longer at a time and I felt safe talking to him candidly and expressing my needs, felt okay telling him no and asking for compromises without him becoming dysregulated. We had trust. It felt like the closest thing to a healthy, balanced relationship it ever had. I was beginning to set goals to make things even better and strengthen my boundaries.

Then the whole roommate situation happened and for the first time, he dysregulated entirely for the first time in four months and he became abusive towards me for days. He felt powerless in the situation because his roommate is older, and with the landlord is her family and can change the atmosphere in the house from acceptable to unbearable with her incredibly passive-aggressive behaviour. He had a lot to lose if he didn't take her side. So he funneled all of the blame onto me and took all his insecurities, anxieties and anger onto me. I became the scapegoat for everything. Yeah, I did screw up but I still took responsibility for my part in it. He seemed to feel otherwise.

I apologised to both of them. (The roommate by email since she absolutely refused to even speak with me. No response) I did everything in my power to right the situation and even gave back the money as soon as I could. He expressed anger towards me and questioned if I was someone who was dependable, and questioned his trust in me, asking if I'd scr*w him over too in the future. From my perspective, it's futile to question it, because if anything, the situation pushed me to learn how to be even more dependable and handle my anxiety even through high-stress situations. I have had severe anxiety issues for years and learning to cope has been a priority for me this entire month. (I've managed to get through two intense projects while successfully handling my stress so GO ME!) I've also realised/learned painfully that I should never agree to favours when the stakes and consequences of not succeeding are so high.

He was already feeling uneasy about us being semi-long distance and the stress of his roommate making such a request, such as me not stepping foot in the house we share pretty much cemented those anxieties. We've had two successful meetups since then, but I guess not spending thanksgiving together pushed him over the edge back into complete dysregulation.

When things related to me cause him pain, he feels like removing me entirely from the situation is the best call. He said that he is always 'fine' but it doesn't mean that he's happy, but rather numbed out. He has simply stopped caring and that's the reason why it's so easy for him to move on from people, whether he wants to or not. So he's telling me that he might be done with me after this situation, moved on entirely.

I heard that a lot in the first year and a half, so the fact that it never happened is somewhat comforting, but it doesn't mean that this will be a repeat. Our relationship has grown and he has often expressed feeling more safe with me than anyone in his life, comparing me to being a set part of his life just like his best friend of 6 years. It was progress, but it doesn't mean it stays that way. I can't predict anything with him. It's BPD and I have no clue what's going on in his head. For all I know, he's gone off and found someone new to hook up with in the meanwhile, or he's spending his weekend at his friends and drinking.

It's not quite fair to me. I did everything I could in this situation. I had something that was a priority and I had no intention of compromising that, but because of the stress of his dysregulation, I compromised it in other ways. My brother's psych eval didn't go well because I was stressed out, had an argument in the car with my mother right before and my brother picked up on that and became too agitated and anxious to go through with the evaluation, possibly rendering him disqualified from the program. 

I think I have too many issues in my life to genuinely focus on my pwBPD at the moment anyways. So as painful as it is, maybe this is for the best for now. I'm really not sure.

[Daniell85]

Hi, sorry this situation continues to be so stressful 

What helps me and maybe it will you, is I think to myself, how about a break from it? For example, I used to think "this is the end of the line. done forever! Abandoned, hated... "

What it actually is, is time to take a time out. You are upset and stressed, your BF is wigging out and being abusive. Whatever he has going on at his place... .I kind of think he is getting pulled into a lot of negativity with the drama of his roommate.

Set it aside for now. I have a couple of situations in my life that if I view them as open ended (forever and ever nothing will get better, I am helpless) I can get really distressed and low. I feel a lot better if I decide " I will do something about this problem in X number of weeks/months, or whatever. It takes the immediate inner pressure to fix now, when something really can't be fixed today or tomorrow.

In your case, I would go quiet. For your own benefit. He was pretty nasty, and sometimes the best way to say something about how you feel about such shabby treatment, is to say nothing at all, even if he unblocks you. Your dignity and self esteem are really important to protect.

As an aside I know how gut wrenching being blocked can be. My sort of boyfriend uses it to inflict as much damage as he can on me. I am learning to just go about my business. I care very much, but atm, I don't see what I can do ( or actually FEEL like doing) to make it all better. It takes a week or so to really calm down, but after that, it is easier.