Chills when I think of all the potential lies

[Hopeful83]

  guys,

Six months out and it's getting easier, although I do still have rough days. The one thing that troubles me now is the thought that I may have been lied to by him repeatedly throughout the relationship. I never really had reason to doubt him when we were together (i.e. I never caught him lying), but now things ended the way they have I do have to wonder if he was as truthful as I thought he was. After all, if someone can turn their back on you so quickly after declaring just weeks before that you were the love of their life and that they'd always be there for you, then who knows what else they're capable of. This gives me the chills and a very uneasy feeling.

Anyone else feel this way?

Maybe I'm being overly suspicious because of some of the stories I've read on here. Sure, my ex demonstrated many of the traits of BPD, the most obvious being his regular rages, but he didn't do some of the other more extreme stuff. I never suspected him cheating, for example. But then who knows.

I'm not sure if this is TMI but I'm going to also book myself in for an STD test, not that having one would tell me he had cheated on me, but I've put it off for these months because I'm not sexually active right now and I am not sure if I can deal with more trauma.

I guess once I get this done, though, that's one more thing to strike off the list and another step towards putting this whole horrid mess behind me. It just scares me senseless to face up to it, though. I've never had one before (my ex was my first).

Yeah, I'm not having a very good day  

[enlighten me]

Hi hopeful

I can sympathise with you on this. When I split up with my exgf I decided to take everything she said and did as a lie. I worked from the worst case scenario and this made it easier for me to detach.

Before that when I split from my ex wife I didn't believe her capable of anything bad. This was my downfall as things kept coming to the surface that knocked me back to square one.

My detachment from my exgf was so much quicker as when things came out like her cheating it didnt knock me back to the beginning of my recovery it just dented it a little.

[hashtag_loyal]

Hi, Hopeful. I can definitely sympathize with a lot of what you are going through. While I certainly trusted my dBPDxgf for most of our 9-month r/s, as the evidence of lying slowly started to surface I have now started to distrust anything she told me during that time that couldn't be supported with observable fact. I am highly skeptical of everything she tells me now. Her words are only efforts to manipulate me, and herself.

It really is sad to realize that so much of this past year was a lie. 

As far as the STD testing goes, I strongly encourage you to do it. For me, getting tagged with an easily-curable STD was a great relief. Not only was I glad it was nothing serious, but it was the first (and to this day, only) 100% incontrovertible proof of my ex's lying and infidelity. I felt vindicated -- bullet-proof, even -- knowing that my suspicions were confirmed.

For you, however, since you are a full six months out, I would say testing is more for you, than about learning anything about your ex. Getting tested will give you peace-of-mind, aid in your closure, and give you the confidence to move on to a new, healthier r/s.

[Itstopsnow]

My ex was so sweet, shy like Innocent . So I thought. He lost his 20's to the priesthood I thought. It all came out after our 18 month relationship . That he had a second girlfriend the most of the summer! And who knows how many other hook ups or dating that he did. I found proof online from girls that posted warnings about him on websites . Not to date him. Bc he was cheating and lying all the time. He was a priest then. If he was lying chases are he was cheating! If he is a borderline . Chances are greater than he was a cheater! I'm not saying this to upset you. It's part of their disorder and twisted way of life. My ex was super into me I thought. Always said I had a perfect body and was drop dead gorgeous . I believed he really was content with me. It was a huge shock , they are sick. And the pathological lying started well before you and the cheating too. It's their way of life. We don't have to live that way anymore . Thank God

[Kelli Cornett]

I don't blame you. You should be scared of people who aren't human.

[hopealways]

Hi hopeful! WOW this is exactly what I was thinking this morning. I am 4 months NC and as the distance has brought clarity I also think back to several situations where now I realize she probably had someone else but I was so darn into my fantasyland I just ignored it. Early on before I was completely lost I did call her out on a few instances but she got enraged and reversed it on me saying I was paranoid and acting controlling.

Your gut doesn't lie!

I guess I can just be happy that I am out.  Keep on moving forward!

[Hopeful83]

Thanks everyone. I guess I have to do some more work on this. I don't believe he lied all the time, but I have to consider the fact that potentially some of the things he told me about may not have been true.

It's difficult because I genuinely trusted this man, despite all my own insecurities. And through his actions at the end he's now made me question my own judgment throughout the whole relationship.

I know I have difficulty trusting people - it's a problem I've had all my life. So when I met him and felt instantly at ease with him, I started to let my guard down, which was no easy feat. And over the years it got easier and easier, despite the setbacks I'd sometimes experience.

Now I just wonder how I will be able to trust again. I really did put a lot of trust in him and it all got thrown back in my face through the way he walked away from me.

[C.Stein]

It's difficult because I genuinely trusted this man, despite all my own insecurities. And through his actions at the end he's now made me question my own judgment throughout the whole relationship.

I know I have difficulty trusting people - it's a problem I've had all my life. So when I met him and felt instantly at ease with him, I started to let my guard down, which was no easy feat. And over the years it got easier and easier, despite the setbacks I'd sometimes experience.

Now I just wonder how I will be able to trust again. I really did put a lot of trust in him and it all got thrown back in my face through the way he walked away from me.

You and me both hopeful.  I genuinely trusted her even though my gut was telling me to be careful.   I also have had difficulty trusting people, probably because my trust has been betrayed so many times in the past.  With her, even though she started our relationship with a veiled threat to cheat on me, I gave her the benefit of the doubt ... .I allowed myself to trust in her and to believe in her.  Even when my gut was telling me something wasn't right, that she wasn't being completely honest with me, I let it go ... .once again because I chose to trust her.

When she engaged in a month long elaborate deception my trust was shattered and made me question everything that had occurred in our relationship.  The post discard realization that she almost certainly had some type of affair during the last couple of months of our relationship brought our entire relationship into question ... .EVERYTHING!    It has quite literally crushed me and shaken me to my core.

So I know what you are feeling ... .we (sadly) seem to be on the same page right now.   :'(

[Joem678]

Yes I can relate.  I think back through all our years and can see a clearer picture.  It is not very pretty.  As I read through this thread the best advice I can reiterate is to just think and accept the worse.  Put yourself through that pain when you are alone.  That way nothing can surprise you or catch you off guard.