Ex Wanted A Hug Tonight

[Turkish]

She's been almost two years gone. Married her affair partner late this spring. She's had the kids all week. I had them for the day, then she gets them until Monday. Holiday schedule. After I returned them this evening, she wished me a Happy Thanksgiving. I either grunted or said "thanks," turning to get into my car. She asked if she could give me a hug, so I turned, put one arm around her with my body turned away, and have her a hug. It was brief. I let go. I felt that she wanted more contact. I don't know what to make of that other than "she likes me a lot more than I like her." Was she doing it to meet her needs, or what she perceived as my needs (which means her needs)? i had no problem spending Thanksgiving by myself yesterday. I found something worthwhile to do during the day. Maube I'm being too cynical and aloof, traits of mine which used to bother her from time-to-time.

I think I felt bothered by feeling like I was meeting her needs. Mine was to drop off the kids and go. Of course, she was being kind. It was a kind thing to do, regardless of the motivation.

[Learning_curve74]

I think I felt bothered by feeling like I was meeting her needs. Mine was to drop off the kids and go. Of course, she was being kind. It was a kind thing to do, regardless of the motivation.

With everything you went through with her, maybe you'll always have this feeling in reaction to her. I'm sure lots of people have the same issue. It might just be a matter of how long will it bother you and how much energy will you spend on it. Is it going to bother you for another day, another week?

[Turkish]

Just tonight, thanks, l_c74.

However,.given that she told me last month that she regrets leaving me, this may be recurring. The kids told me about spending time with their step-dad's grandma yesterday. i validated them and listened. I also fantasized about telling GM, "do you know that your psuedo-religious holier-than-thou grandson actively broke up a family and hurt little kids?" Of course that conversation will never take place. I get angry, then pause, and in the space of seconds, let it go. Anger doesn't help anyone, least of all myself. It's still there, though, lurking.

I ask people here how to valdate their own emotions. I ask, in part, because I still ask myself the same question.

[valet]

Hey Turkish, knowing you and your story thus far, this has seemed in the making. You are proving yourself to be a stable, reliable parent. It is not outside of the realm of possibility that she is returning to the stance that she was in when you first met.

This sounds like it troubles you, though. I think it's perfectly ok to meet someone's needs as long as it doesn't cause us to compromise our own boundaries. So, in a sense this is how they are being tested now.

What would you say you'd like your relationship with her to be like? Is there any room for compromise as a co-parent?

[enlighten me]

Ive hugged my ex wife in the past when she has been upset. By the sound of it yours is regretting what has happened and is missing you. The grass wasn't greener and she wants you to comfort her. Theres nothing wrong with comforting people. Even our exs. The problem is if they read too much into it. You could tell her that it is over and you will never again have what you once had but this may cause a backlash. At the moment you are painted white but I can assure you that you will be painted black again when she realises you don't want her back.

I had this with my ex wife and she went on a full blown charm offensive. When that didn't work I once again became the devil. All you can do is carry on being you and try not to do anything that will give her false hope.

[Little oak]

Turkish you always strike me as a man of integrity,calm and caring and often offer words of support and encouragement for many of us on this board. As had been stated perhaps you are now being painted white and the grass isn't greener on the other side. You always put your children and their needs first and this is very admirable in spite of everything you have been through. Often we are very good at giving advice and sometimes it's hard to apply that to our own situation. You are intelligent enough to know this is a phase with your ex quite likely due to circumstances in her new marriage,perhaps her asking for a hug was her wanting her needs met and of course you feel moments of anger which you recognise and can let them go. You are a good man Turkish and the way you conduct yourself is a credit to you

[pallavirajsinghani]

A little hug is fine.  It is a peace-keeping gesture.  Please do not let it escalate into you becoming her priest, counselor, parent, friend, therapist or the third piece of a triangle... .your instinct will tell you when your EMOTIONAL boundaries are being crossed.

Nostalgia is one of the most seductive state of mind. When one looks back, everything is seen through a rosy glow... .please stay centered for your sake and the children's.

[Mutt]

I get angry, then pause, and in the space of seconds, let it go. Anger doesn't help anyone, least of all myself. It's still there, though, lurking.

Turkish,

Are you worried that these lurking feelings is not anger but resentment?

[Grey Kitty]

I'm separated, not divorced, and my ex doesn't seem very mentally healthy... .but doesn't seem to qualify for BPD anymore, either, and her other stuff (depression, anxiety) doesn't seem too bad now. I see us on the road toward divorce, and I'm trying to keep moving forward.

My wife blew up our marriage 14 months ago. She told me she didn't want to be in a romantic relationship with me 7 months ago. 4 months ago, she was expressing some regret, and has continued to do so occasionally. We've been civil the whole time. Mostly I'm the one maintaining the emotional distance.

And yes, she's asked me for a hug most times we've been physically together, and I've given her one.

In the last 7 months I've walked a fine line--being civil, not reaching out emotionally at all, but trying not to reject her too harshly, while being honest that I'm not interested in her (very limited or at least tentative) offers toward reconciliation.

I think if you know what you want out of your r/s with her, keeping your boundaries to protect yourself... .without needing to know what she wants or desires or "means" by it is your best bet.

[joeramabeme]

Turkish

I have read many of your posts which are very insightful and thoughtful.  As I read through your post here I was thinking that your feelings about this hug and comment about “regrets” must have a sense of nihilism to you.  I could see this being internalized as invalidating all the efforts you have made to overcome a difficult and painful relationship and make the best of your original loss for the benefit of your children.  In other words, you have gone through great efforts to create a healthy space to co-parent in and work through your healing and now she is even invalidating that by indicating maybe she didn’t want this outcome after all.

That could create a deep sense of anger that cannot be simply ignored away if truly present.  You have so much of your healthy self invested in your current being.  I could imagine that outwardly reaffirming yourself in some way would help clarify to you and her that you are of one mind and at peace with what you have chosen – ?perhaps in spite of an underlying sense of what you wish might be or could have been.

Not sure if I am reading this correctly but I do know that anger turned inward leads to depression; if it is there it is important to address it as it doesn’t go away on its own.

Best to you!

Joe

[Turkish]

Thanks, All... I just got back from 5 hours of driving there and back to deal with my depressed, BPD, end elderly mother who also has signs of dementia (I experienced manifrstations of all three today).

When is enough enough? Is it like my T said, "sometimes the strwow are chosen to protect the weak?"

Palla- I totally see what you're saying. I'd add "financial.advisor."

EM- I'm wary of perceived recycles. She's married now. That really would be adultery, or at lleast crossing boundaries. I'll triangulate in a good way with respect to the kids, no more. T's why I redirected the convo when she said last month that if she knew then what she did now, she never would have left me. That was her choice, and the consequences are her business.

GK, I've kind of followed your story... Thanks for the reminder about boundaries. Sometimes, they may not seem so clear-cut, but we own our own boundaries.

Joe- I've been often severely depressed very the last two years. Sometimes on weekends,.I've collapsed in my bed after being out with the kids.  I'm not a napper, but I felt like it... The kids, being so young, won't leave me alone. It's "Hop On Pop." Probably a god thing, though I've tried very hard to not make it like they're responsible for my feelings like a pwBPD might.

[Fr4nz]

She's been almost two years gone. Married her affair partner late this spring. She's had the kids all week. I had them for the day, then she gets them until Monday. Holiday schedule. After I returned them this evening, she wished me a Happy Thanksgiving. I either grunted or said "thanks," turning to get into my car. She asked if she could give me a hug, so I turned, put one arm around her with my body turned away, and have her a hug. It was brief. I let go. I felt that she wanted more contact. I don't know what to make of that other than "she likes me a lot more than I like her." Was she doing it to meet her needs, or what she perceived as my needs (which means her needs)? i had no problem spending Thanksgiving by myself yesterday. I found something worthwhile to do during the day. Maube I'm being too cynical and aloof, traits of mine which used to bother her from time-to-time.

I think I felt bothered by feeling like I was meeting her needs. Mine was to drop off the kids and go. Of course, she was being kind. It was a kind thing to do, regardless of the motivation.

Well, maybe she just wants to be on better terms with you... .maybe that hug was really heartfelt.

However, you know the details about her better than me, so you decide

Perhaps it has come the time to bury the hatchet and accept those hugs... .

[ron7127]

I have experienced the same thing with my cheater Xw. She asked for a hug, once. Also told me she loved me.

I take BPD out of the equation. She cheated on hef family. Screwed a bunch of guys.

I would never hug her. She is a cheater. She abused me and the kids.

Many cheaters are BPD or NPD. Just cut them out of your life to the extent possible.

[Grey Kitty]

Turkish, I don't really know your story and all your feelings toward your ex... .and I think that is what is going to drive your side of this going forward.

Obviously she is the mother of your children, which means that there is a huge incentive for you to be civil with her if at all possible. I know too many broken families where events like a graduation or wedding that both parents should attend are very stressful because the two parents cannot be together without either personal stress or a dramatic fight. You obviously don't want that.

For your kids, it would be easier if you could be friendly and warm with her too, I'm sure.

Since she is remarried, and you seem to be moving on, I can't imagine any romantic interest now... .at least for you... .or if any part of you is interested, the rest of you knows how bad an idea it is!

I hope that you can remember some of the things about her you once found attractive, and perhaps still love, appreciate, and respect in her. And I'm sure you remember the horrible abusive things she did to you as well. That makes for a confusing mix of feelings on your part.

Allow yourself to have confused and conflicted feelings... .and limit actions to what seems safe and prudent... .and as time goes forward, allow your feelings to change. They probably will.

[Turkish]

Fr4nz: bury the hatchet.

ron7127: cut her off.

There is validity to both points-of-view, which is where I struggle.

Even more so tonight when S5 talked about "Homewrecker's" dad and how funny he was... I valdated my son s feelings.

GK: you are right that my feelings will change. They ebb and flow. My ex still sees me as the Protector. Not only of our kids, but of her. She called me tonight to update about the kids. A texr or two would have sufficed.

I'm also triggered by the impending rescue of my elderly depressed and  BPD mother. I moved out 26 years ago, and thought I had let a lot of stuff go, but find it resurfacing, given trying to convince her to move in with me to save her life. I may have a personal problem with letting things go. This is not how I present myself to the world, as the stable, strong person that others view me as.

[Grey Kitty]

GK: you are right that my feelings will change. They ebb and flow. My ex still sees me as the Protector. Not only of our kids, but of her. She called me tonight to update about the kids. A texr or two would have sufficed.

Where are you or any of your feelings in this?

[Fr4nz]

Fr4nz: bury the hatchet.

ron7127: cut her off.

There is validity to both points-of-view, which is where I struggle.

Even more so tonight when S5 talked about "Homewrecker's" dad and how funny he was... I valdated my son s feelings.

GK: you are right that my feelings will change. They ebb and flow. My ex still sees me as the Protector. Not only of our kids, but of her. She called me tonight to update about the kids. A texr or two would have sufficed.

I'm also triggered by the impending rescue of my elderly depressed and  BPD mother. I moved out 26 years ago, and thought I had let a lot of stuff go, but find it resurfacing, given trying to convince her to move in with me to save her life. I may have a personal problem with letting things go. This is not how I present myself to the world, as the stable, strong person that others view me as.

Is it possible that you're still a little bit stuck with black/white thinking?

Perhaps it may be useful talking with your therapist about the best possible behaviour to maintain with your ex. Since there's a child involved, I'd bury the hatchet for the child's sake... .it is also true, however, that you have to affirm your boundaries, possibly in the most possible kind and emotionally stable way, and we know this may be quite difficult with a pwBPD, especially if there are still feelings... .

That's why I'm suggesting you to talk with someone who can help you to choose rationally the best possible strategy.

[Mr Hollande]

You are in the unenviable position to have children to consider and under those circumstances you handled the situation admirably.

[Joem678]

I understand your feelings.  It goes with the experience of the relationship.  I know that I can never be a friend to the mother of my kids.  I've tried it and she always hooks me back into a relationship.  The best thing for me is for her to keep her distance.