How to move on when he wont leave?

[kimdz1]

I have been married for 3 years.  We got married after 2 weeks... got the whole prince charming routine and put on a pedestal but it didnt take long for the roller coaster to start.  My husband has cheated on me, communicated with other women, trashed me to his children, walked out on me more times than I can count, gaslighted... .etc etc etc, but I kept trying to make it work and wanted my marriage.  Every time i would start a discussion about simple things... it would be blown up and end with him threatening divorce.  I cant take it anymore and filed.  He used extortion and threat tactics during the divorce negotiation to get his way and one of the items in the agreement was that he is allowed to live in my home until 7 days after the divorce is final.  This is my pre marital home.  I moved out for 6 weeks but I wasnt able to continue to stay where I was because I have a dog and the people I was staying with have allergies.  So, I moved back into my home with him here. We are staying in separate rooms.  During the 6 weeks I was out of the home, I was able to grieve and start the healing process, but since I have moved back it has set me back.  I feel like there is a dark cloud hanging over me.  He has walked out on me so many times, but now he is digging in his heels and wont move out.  One day he is walking around all mad at me and being very rude and disrespectful, the next hour he is making passes at me and trying to kiss me.  He is not complying with any of the divorce agreements so far and I don't expect he will.  I feel so stuck.  The divorce should be final in 30-60 days.  I don't know that I need advice, but I dont feel like anyone really understands the emotional toll this relationship has, and is, placing on me.  It is only here on these blogs of other people that I see that there are those that understand.  So thankful for that.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Do you have a family member(s) or friend(s) who can stay with you at this time?  Having other people around force a person to behave better usually.

I am very sorry that you are going through this.  I was bullied into giving up all my assets even though I was the victim of DV.  So, this may be a tactic to get the home out of you.

Please get into counseling immediately... .and hire a pit bull of an attorney.

[kimdz1]

Thank you for the reply.  Having someone stay at the house isnt an option.  He has four grown children that live in the area and he has trashed me to them numerous times and they have all abandoned me.  I don't expect them to take my "side", but it is very hurtful to integrate and accept his children and grandchildren as my family and then have it all taken away and having none of them even say they are sorry to loose me in the family--I did a lot of nice things for them and always tried to make them feel welcome in the home.  My husband never tried to integrate into my family so he feels no loss there, as far as I know.  So, I have asked him that his family not come to the home... I mean, it is stressful enough and I have seen texts he sent to them lying, exaggerating and distorting facts so I cant blame them if they hate me... but at the same time, I know they have had experiences with him where they see how he behaves and last year a couple of them said they thought he had BPD.  So given that I have asked him not to have visitors in the home during this time, I feel I cant have them either.  I did go through a lawyer, and I could have gone the contested divorce route, but I just want to be done with this.  The settlement agreement is signed and I am ok with it.  I will be coming out of it with roughly what I came into it with.  I just feel so broken, depressed, sad... .I feel like I cant move on with him being in the house... but I know it is temporary so I am just holding onto that. 

[pallavirajsinghani]

I understand.  In the meantime, try to do small things for yourself that give you pleasure, even though the effort will seem very shallow and daunting.  Small things like make a waffle for yourself, sit at the window and enjoy the scene outside, take a walk, talk to friends whom you have not connected with in a long time... .watch shows that you have been meaning to for a long time, read a book... .anything that you can do to keep your spirit from dying... .keep the little spark alive and soon it will become a strong, nourishing fire in your belly.

[david]

Stay focused on the 30-60 days and don't let that get lengthened. If for some reason he tries to extend it you may be able to get him to leave through the courts since he was the one extending the time.

[livednlearned]

Sorry to hear you are dealing with this, kimdz1.  :'(

It's hard for a lot of us to assert boundaries when our sense of self is in the tank. 60 days is a long time to suffer when you're already suffering. Have you talked to a lawyer about your options? My L would often say, "I can't tell you to remove half of your belongings, but I can tell you that clients who have done that do not experience any repercussions." Even if you don't have someone on retainer, you can consult for 30 minutes and find out what your options are. So often we follow the rules, even when our ex partners do not. It is possible, though, to break the rules legally when you are dealing with someone who is also breaking the rules.

I am wondering what a lawyer would say if you did not comply with the settlement order, especially given that he is not complying with it. It could be that you are within your legal rights to change the locks or have him evicted based on harassment or failure to comply with the settlement agreement.

I know how hard it is to summon the effort and energy to do something like this -- you know that it could solve the problem, yet may not have the strength to deal with the burst of drama of having him moved out. If you aren't able to psychologically and emotionally have him removed now, what about in 60 days when he is supposed to move out? He hasn't complied yet. He probably won't leave easily when it's time. Do you have a plan if that happens?

[kimdz1]

My lawyer says I can not force him out.  It is in the agreement he is allowed to stay until 7 days after the divorce is final.  He is supposed to be paying half the mortgage and utilities but he says he wont until the divorce is final.  My lawyer says i have to wait until the divorce is final and then we would file a suit if he does not pay.  We will also address the issue of him possibly not complying with moving out in the time frame allowed.  I know it's a popular phrase, but I am literally walking on eggshells.  When I hear him pull up to the house, I get so much anxiety.  I never know which persona I am gonna get. 

[ForeverDad]

My lawyer says I can not force him out.  It is in the agreement he is allowed to stay until 7 days after the divorce is final.  He is supposed to be paying half the mortgage and utilities but he says he wont until the divorce is final.  My lawyer says i have to wait until the divorce is final and then we would file a suit if he does not pay.  We will also address the issue of him possibly not complying with moving out in the time frame allowed.  I know it's a popular phrase, but I am literally walking on eggshells.  When I hear him pull up to the house, I get so much anxiety.  I never know which persona I am gonna get.

My last months with my Ex were excruciating too. :'(  But it wasn't at the end, it was in the final months together, I knew The End was approaching, just didn't know how.

Are there consequences for noncompliance built into the settlement?  By the time there is actual noncompliance, you'd have to go back to court (could take a month or more, divorce court or eviction court?) and then the judge could decide to give consequences after even more time.  However, if it is your house or residence, then it should be very, very clear... .divorce is final, you no longer have any relationship with him, he had his 7 days, he has places to go, time to make arrangements and wherewithal to pay for his own expenses, so no extensions whatsoever.

[livednlearned]

You might want to also video tape your home as a protective measure. Just in case he acts out closer to the move-out date. He may want to retaliate with a false accusation to undermine or counter any potential legal action on your part. And courts are really not great at handling he-said, she-said scenarios. Protect yourself with documentation if you can, and have a plan for how you will handle that last day.

Police officers can do domestic assistance visits to the house. They can't enforce civil orders, however they will stand and make sure that no one gets hurt. It might also give you an opportunity to change the locks if he refuses to leave the house so you can do that.

If he makes threats, and you live in a state where it's permitted to record without consent, that might be another safeguard. That way, if he threatens you, it's on tape and you can get file for a PO. There are pros and cons to doing this, but given your ex's behavior it might be prudent.

It can really shred our nerves to live in situations like this. Are you open to learning about mindfulness or other stress-reduction practices? When I am stressed, I'll walk or sit in my room with headphones on, listening to Tara Brach or other mindfulness instructors.

[pallavirajsinghani]

I believe that because you own the house, you can legally install cameras on all common areas.  I believe that you can install them in your bedroom too.  You can't install them in the bathrooms and bedroom (his).

Or you can keep a recorder with you at all times, fully charged up.  Keep it on when he is at home, so that the authorities can get a full before and after scenario too.

Lastly, nanny cams can work too.

[livednlearned]

I believe that because you own the house, you can legally install cameras on all common areas.  I believe that you can install them in your bedroom too.  You can't install them in the bathrooms and bedroom (his).

Or you can keep a recorder with you at all times, fully charged up.  Keep it on when he is at home, so that the authorities can get a full before and after scenario too.

Lastly, nanny cams can work too.

Best to check with a lawyer... .sometimes privacy laws can be interpreted in different ways in family court. 

[ForeverDad]

I believe that because you own the house, you can legally install cameras on all common areas.  I believe that you can install them in your bedroom too.  You can't install them in the bathrooms and bedroom (his).

Or you can keep a recorder with you at all times, fully charged up.  Keep it on when he is at home, so that the authorities can get a full before and after scenario too.

Lastly, nanny cams can work too.

Best to check with a lawyer... .sometimes privacy laws can be interpreted in different ways in family court. 

But... .the laws governing recording communications, as severe as the laws sound, seldom become a major issue in our cases.  I've been here in peer support nearly 10 years and I recall only a handful of cases where recording peeved a judge and I think the 'consequences' were the judges simply saying to stop.  Privacy concerns may get more attention but generally think first before doing things.  So Palla has good suggestions to be proactive in protecting yourself.  And LnL also has good suggestions to get local legal advice so you are informed and don't needlessly invite problems.

[Waddams]

There might be remedy via landlord/tenant law.  If he is supposed to be paying rent and is refusing, then it might be construed that you are the landlord, he is tenant, and as such is subject to eviction.  I know there isn't a formal lease, but your jurisdiction's law might provide for circumstances where you can have him evicted before the divorce is final.   Sometimes, particularly if he's classified as a tenant at will, there are time frames stipulated for when you can evict them, etc.  There can also be provisions that if he's making the home unlivable, he can be removed much sooner, etc.  And regardless of your current court orders, agreements, etc., none of that should trump written, codified law. 

Many family law attorneys aren't knowledgeable about landlord/tenant law, so I'd suggest you contact a lawyer that specializes in that area and see what your options might be.