What would you have change in your r/s had you known about BPD?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I didn't know about it when I met her and learnt about after digging into the reasons for her odd behavior.

Had I know I'd have saved myself 2 and half months misery out of a 4 month relationship.

[juniorswailing]

I didn't know about it when I met her and learnt about after digging into the reasons for her odd behavior.

Had I know I'd have saved myself 2 and half months misery out of a 4 month relationship.

[MakingMyWay]

I didn't know my ex possibly had BPD until after she dumped me, but I ignored an awful lot of red flags throughout the relationship because at the time I had low self esteem, which I have since overcome. I would also try to trigger her less, but still maintain strong boundaries to stop her from wearing down on me when she is having an episode.

[enlighten me]

If Im honest I don't think I would have changed anything apart from my recovery. I have two uBPD exs and three children. If I had known then I wouldn't have had any of them and they are worth more than any pain the relationships have caused me.

I have learnt so much from the relationships about myself both good and bad.

[Herodias]

The only thing I could have done in which I did apologize to him for was to be a bit less critical of the little things he did that were not as extreme as the bad things... .like putting things down the disposal that didn't belong there (if it breaks- oh well, he can get it fixed-lesson learned) or if he put a utensil in the oven and it burned up-oh well... .It can be replaced. The problem is, the big stuff that he did will never stop without intense help. He refuses to do so, so I cannot put myself in danger anymore. It was pure hell. There is nothing I could have done about that- I sure wish I could, believe me... .I loved him to death, but I cannot force someone to do the right thing and stop drinking, stop cutting himself, stop hanging out with bad people, stop cheating, stop lying, stop spending money, stop looking at porn, stop driving drunk and stop putting us both in danger! I dealt with the abusing talk and the projection... .I didn't let it bother me. I just can't have strangers in my home at 2am or my husband running around having affairs. I think you think there was something you could have done different... .I really don't believe it's possible to have a normal r/s with someone who is mentally ill that is not seeking treatment. Unfortunately,  he has found someone to replace me that he can manipulate and allows him to continue to do the stuff he was doing which is really bad for him in the long run- now, I don't think she sees it all yet... .I think he is keeping it somewhat together since he has a pending felony right now... He doesn't want to go to jail. As soon as that gets dropped, he will be back at it, I am sure... .it is the pattern. It's very sad. His Mother and I would talk about what a sweet little boy she had... .she is heartbroken he has turned out this way... .I am too. I had hoped my leaving would cause him to get help. It wasn't going to happen, as he saw me as the problem. He knows he has one, don't get me wrong, but he thinks I am too critical of him and I am not "perfect" as his fantasy r/s is in his mind.

[guy4caligirl]

It seems to me that , it is what it is ,we all have had a different degree of toxic relationships .

When I read how dangerous many R/S ,manifested itself  by being on a high level of anxiety and also fear for life  ,.

I do understand why some members can be  bitter about their exes And can't forgive them at this time ... .

We are in the same boat or we were , it makes it clear to me that some relations were more enduring than others :

Bad to good

Unbearable and unacceptable cheating .

Fear for own life .

Mild to raging .

and more  ,how do you rate yours ?

[babyducks]

We have removed posts from the discussion because of concerns with divisive exchanges and accusations  A reminder for everyone about the forum guidlmes before offering support and advice.

3.1 Advising and Supporting Others: Members should offer advice as peer opinions targeted directly to the host of the thread. Members shall offer only compassionate, well founded and fact based advice.

Members critiquing, or challenging the advise of others should offer their comments in a respectful, positive and constructive manner. Members should respect and embrace the opinions of others, not deride them, and recognize diversity is an important part of the learning process. Collegial Discussion is the exchange of ideas, not a debate or an argument to be won. Our common interests and goals are what brings us together - let it not be what comes between us.

Please be mindful that one of the important roles we all have is to help “center” others, not pile on or inflame emotional unrest. Member should not "hijack" the threads of others by changing the subject. All posts should be targeted to the subject matter introduced by the host of the thread. Our individual thoughts and ideas are important to each of us. Members shall be patient and understanding of other members that are in different stages of the learning or healing process or have different opinions than their own.

[teapay]

Not sure what you are asking?   Your original question posed whether one would do their r/s differently knowing more about BPD, working the skills and having more compassion and forgiveness towards the sufferer.  Are you trying to figure out if people's responses differ by the characteristics of the r/s?  Are you trying to infer what leads to better or worse outcome? Are you trying to determine why some people are bitter and others are not?  What are you trying to get at?

[Mutt]

I think that we're all in the same camp now. Everyone's experience is different and we all have our own healing paths and we all heal differently. We take what wisdom fellow members share with us in our discussions and we pick the bones out of them. We're all here to support each other through some really painful stuff.

To answer your original question, what would I have done differently? I don't know. I feel like we had our time together, our relationship had a beginning and an end and that experience is behind me. She abandoned me and my core wounds ruptured. I never had a more painful experience in my life. My goal was to heal and put myself back together so that I wouldn't go through a similar experience again. I wanted out of our marriage because I felt like our values didn't match. We weren't a good match.

I don't think that it's important for me to reflect back on past events to see what I could have done differently but to take the lessons that were there and move forward with them so that I would have healthier relationships. We shared a path together for several years and our paths branched off. She has her path and I have my path. I wish her well on her journeys and I look forward to mine with my kids.

[Skip]

I think a topic like this is not well suited for the "Leaving Board".  A lot of members are in the the various stages of grief and may not in a place to take this on in the manner you seek.

I might suggest trying this on personal inventory.

It's a very valid question. We also need to be mindful of the Board we are on.

[hashtag_loyal]

What would I have done differently if I had known about BPD at the start of the r/s? I absolutely would have ended it before it began.

Thinking back, there's not a whole lot I could've done differently during the r/s. I was patient and understanding. I always validated her feelings. I had boundaries in place that I enforced. I never tolerated her abuse. Quite the contrary, I would always talk it over with her, point out my perspective while understanding and validating hers. I comforted her as much as I could. I never got angry at her. I never called her a name. Even to this day when I discuss the lying and cheating, I discuss her actions, never labeling her a liar or a cheater, but rather I discuss the choices she made and how those hurt me.

Still, it was not enough. I never deserved any of the lying or the cheating (she even told me as much) but it happened anyway. In hindsight, it was all unavoidable. Someone as severely disordered as my dBPDxgf is just not capable of being in a committed, monogamous r/s, so if I had this knowledge back then, I never would've tried.