My ex contacted me after almost 4 weeks NC

[JSF13]

So last night I get an email from my ex about some of my belongings. She states that they got mixed up in her things and she would send them to a friend of mine to get to me. Meanwhile my friend is on the east coast and I'm on the west. Why not just send them to me directly? Why make it difficult? I responded emotionlessly and said please send them to me directly and in case she forgot our address in the 1 month she's now been gone I gave it to her again. Of course I get no response back. Does anyone have any knowledge as to why she would do that and why not just send them and not say anything? I know I have been painted black and am totally ok with it. The more the days pass, the more stuff I learn here the easier it is becoming to just let go.

[Joem678]

Hi there, I think she wanted the response.  No matter what it was she needed to  hear from you.  In my experience, it is a way for them to feel at ease.  I have been in NC with my ex for 6 weeks now and she'll still try to call.  Then I hear her contacting relatives to talk about the relationship.  It tells me she is not moving on.  You need to prepare for that.  From what I read, those that are moving on do so very cold-heartedly but those who don't, stick around and try to keep you orbiting their little world.   My advice to you, is prepare for anything dude and expect anything.  From reading, what they tend to do is kind of put their feelings to the side.  It's called compartmentalization. 

How long were you guys together?

[JSF13]

Hi there, I think she wanted the response.  No matter what it was she needed to  hear from you.  In my experience, it is a way for them to feel at ease.  I have been in NC with my ex for 6 weeks now and she'll still try to call.  Then I hear her contacting relatives to talk about the relationship.  It tells me she is not moving on.  You need to prepare for that.  From what I read, those that are moving on do so very cold-heartedly but those who don't, stick around and try to keep you orbiting their little world.   My advice to you, is prepare for anything dude and expect anything.  From reading, what they tend to do is kind of put their feelings to the side.  It's called compartmentalization. 

How long were you guys together?

May of 2014

[Learning Fast]

I agree with Joe.  They send out a "feeler" contact to elicit a response.  Typically it's something that concerns a neutral, non-emotional issue that is of little importance.  In other words, she could have easily sent your belongs without any other contact.  She wanted the response.

My ex and I were NC for about 3 weeks when she contacted me about something fairly inconsequential.  I structured my response in such a way that she would have to get back to me in order to confirm that my response was what she needed.  She never responded which told me it was an action on her part to see if she still has me tethered in orbit rather than an answer to her inquiry.

[JSF13]

I recieved the email at 1:20am pst. If she is on the East Coast like I believe she is that would have been 4:20am I was out at a show and not the most sober when i received the email and responded with "Yup". This morning I went back and responded with

"There is no reason you should ship whatever you took to Ashley and complicate the process even further.  Please ship it directly to me. I will attach my address in case you don't have it. Also please send me a copy of your new insurance so I can remove you from mine. I cannot remove you without proof of new insurance. It would be nice if you did that immediately seeing as it is withdrawn the 30th."

No response.

[JSF13]

I will now say that I am not doing as well as I was. All of the feelings I have been working through are all back.

[Learning Fast]

JSF13,

Totally understand how you feel.  Just when you think you're moving forward they reach out from nowhere.  During situations like this I typically try my hardest to mentally and emotionally return myself to where I was pre-contact.  Not easy to do but helpful if you can.

[JSF13]

Deff easier said than done. I feel way too much today.  :'(

[Joem678]

There are two reasons why you feel like this dude.  The first reason is she's didn't respond.  She flipped the table on you.  When she reaches out, and she will you have to ignore it.  You can do it.  I've bee able to ignore my wife and we have 4 kids.  I will only answer her if it's important.  They are predictable.  But you need to accept them.  For instance, you just learned that she will not respond so don't put yourself in that position.  Learn the behavioral patterns. Reason #2 is alcohol.  It's a depressant.  I've learned this in therapy and have stayed away.  I do find that when I drink the next couple of days are emotionally tough.

[Learning Fast]

Joe,

Well put.  JSF13, the behavior becomes predictable and you'll be able to calibrate your response (or lack of response) based on importance.  My ex "flipped the table on me" about two weeks ago by inquiring about something of very little consequence.  My response was formatted in such a way that required a response from her to see if my response was even necessary.  The fact that I never heard from her confirmed that it was just a probe to gauge my relationship "temperature".  It was a great learning experience that connected more dots in her ongoing  behavior pattern.

Heck, if Joe can do it with a wife and four kids we certainly can!

LF

[Joem678]

Lol.  Yes you can.  It is hard at first but then you can see a pattern. Keep journals.  This time is hard not too text but I reflect on all the crap I've been through with her.  I keep a list on demand.  If I feel weak, I will remember the list. 

[Learning Fast]

Joe,

Great advice as I've chronicled her behavior/responses for quite some time and a pattern does develop.  Forewarned is forearmed.

JSF13---taking this tack is hard but can be done. One of the posters on this forum who was in the service mentioned that the military instilled in everyone that a routine can be changed if you persevere for 30 days.  My daughter is 3 yrs sober and her initial detox period was---30 days.  Either mentally or physically (using a calendar) mark the days.  You will surprised at how differently you feel after 20-30 days.  Many before us can confirm that this can and will happen.  Be strong and it will happen to you as well.

LF 

[JSF13]

Thanks everyone. Nothing about today has been easy.

[Joem678]

Hang in there guys.  This period will get worse emotionally.  Be strong!  I won't lie I'm thinking about her quite a bit.  Very emotional but won't reach out. 

[JSF13]

I will never reach out to her. I will now start a new trend of not responding. I'm sure she won't contact me again for a few weeks

[Learning Fast]

Guys,

I won't lie to you guys but I think about her as well.  However, the attachment/need feeling diminishes each day. Arrange to catch up with friends/family for dinner/lunch.  Find an outlet---the holiday period (although difficult) offers many volunteer or other opportunities to do something for others.  See a movie or read a book (many good books are listed on this site). Work on your "things to do list" for 2016 (who says you have to wait till the end of the year).  Focus on areas that were probably not prioritized when your ex was in the picture.  My best wishes for nothing but great things in the future.

LF

[JSF13]

So she has been contacting me again today regarding my items. She is cold. Completely emotionless yet asking if I am ok then saying we just weren't meant to be together. That she has no issue with me. She clearly has no remorse or care for her actions. Literally completely disconnected from everything. I am not being mean or rude just equally as cold back but firm about my things.

[Looking4insight]

Hey jsf13,

My ex gf contacted me on thx giving after 2 weeks of NC from me and three weeks of silent treatment from her. She said hey. I responded hey wassup. She responded happy thx giving.

I realized There were two things wrong with this contact. One she said hey instead of just saying happy thanksgiving. Second it was 1:20am the night of thx giving so the holiday was over.

This is my first contact from her but it's pretty easy to see these contacts are to feel you out. Don't take them to heart. As they are meant to gauge ur status. They don't mean anything sadly...

I responded to her text a day later saying happy thx giving. She said thanks. All her text were fairly quick. Which amazes me that this is the same number I use to wait hrs for a reply from.

Stay strong I know I am ! We're in this together.

[JSF13]

She keeps going on about my stuff insisting shes gonna drop it at my brothers which I insisted she not do. She also said she was medically cleared with only PTSD and that she has moved on

[Learning Fast]

JSF,

Looking makes a good point.  The reaching out it is simply to take your "temperature".  We'd all like to think it is more meaningful but unfortunately it is not.  They are looking for a reaction---the more benign/neutral you are the better you will be.  I realize that this is hard but it's the best way for you to deal with the situation at hand and will only strengthen your position going forward.

LF

[JSF13]

She deff kept trying to escalate the convo. Started with her telling me she had some of my things and would send them to me. Then she tried to involve my family if I wouldn't give her money to ship me my things. She tried to upset me. I didn't allow myself to lose control. It hurt like hell but I kept my composure. She told me she moved on and that there was no reason to talk anymore. I told her I knew and stopped responding. She kept trying to keep the convo going but I wouldn't respond. I am not the one reaching out to her. She contacted me. If that isn't delusional in itself idk what is.

[Joem678]

It sounds like what my pwBPD did.  She made strong efforts to see me after I was dodging her but when she did corner me all she did was try to guilt me.  Why do they want us to feel guilty or hurt?  Is it their way of saying they miss us?  Is it a way they cope with their actions?

[JSF13]

It sounds like what my pwBPD did.  She made strong efforts to see me after I was dodging her but when she did corner me all she did was try to guilt me.  Why do they want us to feel guilty or hurt?  Is it their way of saying they miss us?  Is it a way they cope with their actions?

She's very contridictory. She was talking about how she is paying off all this stuff for us so our credit wouldn't get ruined yet still said things trying to hurt me. I think if that isn't a sheer indicator of how torn the disease makes people then idk what is. She also stated she wanted no issues or anomosity but would follow it up with how much happier and better she now is to not be with me. Every positive statement was followed suit by an insulting statement. I by no means am a perfect human. I have faults and error too but not one person can say honestly that I didn't give all. She thinks we're just "Too different". Meanwhile this erks me. We just spent 18 months together. She every day would tell me how in love she was with me. Even when angry. How thankful she was that I didn't walk for good ever but in less than a month of us splitting she has now moved on.