Survival mode?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have a question. I am curious because obviously he will give me no closure. My mind is wondering what he is going through. I know I shouldn't care but I'm human and I had a long term what I thought was mostly loving relationship with him. But it was all a lie.

So, we broke up as I said in August, never stopped talking . We both weeee still texting talking and hooking up. Went away 4 times in the month of October. He and I were just started to date so I thought. He had " 4 dates with a girl he claimed was below average and not a great personality". Until I found out she was his girlfriend they went to Florida in September. And he was cheating on me the whole summer with her. She actually was very nice and good personality . I found her on Facebook and we talked. We both dumped him for good, but Im pretty sure he had a couple of other girls he was talking to since my break up with him. He was with me 24/7 and still had another girlfriend . And she wasn't with him 24/7 so I can tell he was shopping around still. Plus dating me. He's a pig! So my question is. He had me and her basically full time. What do they do survival wise when they lose both their main people. Is survival mode then date and take whoever is available. I hope he is suffering fears of abandonment . They don't care about abandoning us.

[Itstopsnow]

I have a question. I am curious because obviously he will give me no closure. My mind is wondering what he is going through. I know I shouldn't care but I'm human and I had a long term what I thought was mostly loving relationship with him. But it was all a lie.

So, we broke up as I said in August, never stopped talking . We both weeee still texting talking and hooking up. Went away 4 times in the month of October. He and I were just started to date so I thought. He had " 4 dates with a girl he claimed was below average and not a great personality". Until I found out she was his girlfriend they went to Florida in September. And he was cheating on me the whole summer with her. She actually was very nice and good personality . I found her on Facebook and we talked. We both dumped him for good, but Im pretty sure he had a couple of other girls he was talking to since my break up with him. He was with me 24/7 and still had another girlfriend . And she wasn't with him 24/7 so I can tell he was shopping around still. Plus dating me. He's a pig! So my question is. He had me and her basically full time. What do they do survival wise when they lose both their main people. Is survival mode then date and take whoever is available. I hope he is suffering fears of abandonment . They don't care about abandoning us.

[C.Stein]

They don't care about abandoning us.

Sadly I don't think my ex cares about abandoning me for another man or how much it has hurt me.   In fact I think she has probably convinced herself that I abandon her with my withdrawal due to the emotional pain she had caused me and that was all the reason she needed to allow herself and/or actively seek an emotional attachment to another man.  She always had an excuse or reason for all the things she did that hurt me, especially the ones that she knew on some level were wrong.

She will paint over the guilt and shame for what she did with the idealization stage and "love" for her new BF.  She will bury it and hide from it in the new relationship ... .until it resurfaces and consumes her and everyone that is close to her.  She seems to have a knack for destroying everything that is good in her life and I don't see that changing.

So to answer your question ... .I think the fear will be quickly buried in a new relationship.

[wakingfirst]

Yes, I get it.  My ex was always talking about  a 'code of honor', complaining about women who'd cheated on him, hurt him.  But he cheated on a longtime girlfriend with me!  He cheated on a friend of mine in front of me (literally - that's a whole other story.  Still not sure if that was an accident or if he got off on me watching.)  My point is, he's a hypocrite. My best guess, for both my ex and yours, is that they have constructed some new version of events in which you and I are the bad ones.  They have to do that, because if they were honest with themselves the shame of what they've done would kill them. The shame and abandonment, I think, they bury as deep as possible.  And the next woman is the one who will make everything okay.  For a little while.  It's sad.

[Teereese]

They don't care about abandoning us.

Sadly I don't think my ex cares about abandoning me for another man or how much it has hurt me.   In fact I think she has probably convinced herself that I abandon her with my withdrawal due to the emotional pain she had caused me and that was all the reason she needed to allow herself and/or actively seek an emotional attachment to another man.  She always had an excuse or reason for all the things she did that hurt me, especially the ones that she knew on some level were wrong.

She will paint over the guilt and shame for what she did with the idealization stage and "love" for her new BF.  She will bury it and hide from it in the new relationship ... .until it resurfaces and consumes her and everyone that is close to her.  She seems to have a knack for destroying everything that is good in her life and I don't see that changing.

So to answer your question ... .I think the fear will be quickly buried in a new relationship.

My stbxh to a "T".

He has "fantasy" relationships in his mind. He "love bombs" and "friend bombs". Whomever it is has to be just his. If not, he feels abandoned. Working, having separate friends, doing things with others (even my own children) was a problem for him ... .and in the end for me via his behaviors.

He already showed his true colors to some of his new (suppliers and enablers) "friends", causing some to drop out.

I know he is on the hunt for a replacement and has likely already burned through one or two. In his state, he is so desperate to fill the emptiness of being alone, he will scare anyone with some sense off with his neediness, constant calls, texts, stalking, etc.