What really defines it as BPD?

[Kelvin]

Hello all,

I've been in LC about 3 months in which the BU occurred 5 months ago. I have been just going over the relationship just to see A.) how many signs did I ignore and B.) My role in it and how I can be better in the future. I have been reading this site a TON and although I see many many similarities between my ex-gf who was undiagnosed, I just want to know is there a defining feature that made you really believe BPD was present? My ex was a liar, cheater and I believe that the only reason we got back together after the first time we "broke-up" (her excuse for cheating) was bc the guy she cheated on me with went to jail. She ultimately left me for some guy that she was chatting her up online months before the BU. She was estranged from her father and her family is littered with other issues. I tried to leave her once years before but she broke down saying she needed me and it broke my heart to see her like that. How do we know this simply is their character?

What did you guys see in your relationships that really struck you as "yep, BPD"

[steelwork]

What did you guys see in your relationships that really struck you as "yep, BPD"

Kelvin, I'm wondering too. And wondering about my wish to "know" if the label suits my situation. But I feel I'm in the right place, because so many bells are ringing when I read about other people's experiences.

I posted this in my intro on this board:

Reality gaps and unwillingness to stay on an uncomfortable topic

Empathy problems

Jeckyl and Hyde behavior

Weird lies

Freeze-out

Really brutal history of childhood abuse

Self-proclaimed abandonment issues

Ex-junkie

Maleable personality

Extreme valuation of his professional achievements

Love-bombed and put me on a pedestal

Hope this helps. I too am struggling to understand what happened.

[lm911]

Hello all,

I've been in LC about 3 months in which the BU occurred 5 months ago. I have been just going over the relationship just to see A.) how many signs did I ignore and B.) My role in it and how I can be better in the future. I have been reading this site a TON and although I see many many similarities between my ex-gf who was undiagnosed, I just want to know is there a defining feature that made you really believe BPD was present? My ex was a liar, cheater and I believe that the only reason we got back together after the first time we "broke-up" (her excuse for cheating) was bc the guy she cheated on me with went to jail. She ultimately left me for some guy that she was chatting her up online months before the BU. She was estranged from her father and her family is littered with other issues. I tried to leave her once years before but she broke down saying she needed me and it broke my heart to see her like that. How do we know this simply is their character?

What did you guys see in your relationships that really struck you as "yep, BPD"

The criteria for BPD is met. That's how I decided. Moreover - black/white thinking, unstable interpersonal relatinships, feeling of emptiness.

[Schermarhorn]

My ex is undiagnosed (to my knowledge), and this is what I experienced during my relationship with her:

• Compulsive lying



• Rages



• Love bombing



• Idealization



• Suicidal thoughts



• Relationship issues with friends/family



• On the spot breakups/blocking, with her returning shortly after

[Moselle]

Fear of abandonment. If I went away on business I thought she should be excited to see me when I returned. She was always angry and would take 3 or 4 days to warm up to me again. I realise now that each time I went away, she burned with abandonment fears.  

Splitting. Being labeled all white and idolised one day  and in the next moment all black or evil. It confused the heck out of me. Until I read about "splitting".

Intimacy issues. All BPD's seem to struggle with intimacy in one way or another. Wanting it all the time, never wanting it, playing victim, one sided intimacy, or a combination.

Anger. Rages are common. Due to any perceived infringement by a partner/lover. I was told that I deserved it because I had hurt her. Never mind that it was an invented sleight. In her mind I was guilty and therefore free game to be raged at, and physically beaten.

Money. Fixated  by it. Spending copious amounts of it and having absolutely no impulse control over herself.

Ok there's a list .

Do you recognise any any of that?

[steelwork]

Right, yes, black/white. Badmouthed or indifferent to exes. Blocked me without any cause (i.e. preempting possible contact) when I truly had neever tread on a boundary. In fact, his main complaint was that we'd become estranged because I wasn't contacting him ENOUGH.

[Joem678]

I guess what you are asking is how can it just be that you were with a liar and a cheater?  What makes it BPD?  For me, it was many "What the heck" moments in our relationship.  I could write a book as I'm sure most of you can too.

But what stands out:  1)lying

                             2)Fairy tale victim

                             3)Jekyll and Hyde behavior

                             4)idealization of friends and lovers

                             5)issues with friends and family.

                             6)reality gaps

                             7)childhood abuse (physically and sexually)

                           

                       

Also, it is how you are left?  I think the biggest clue is if you were cheated on, you are left feeling guilty and responsible for the cheating.  Especially, if they are making you feel horrible.  

[Kelvin]

I guess what you are asking is how can it just be that you were with a liar and a cheater?  What makes it BPD?  For me, it was many "What the heck" moments in our relationship.  I could write a book as I'm sure most of you can too.

But what stands out:  1)lying

                             2)Fairy tale victim

                             3)Jekyll and Hyde behavior

                             4)idealization of friends and lovers

                             5)issues with friends and family.

                             6)reality gaps

                             7)childhood abuse (physically and sexually)

                           

                       

Also, it is how you are left?  I think the biggest clue is if you were cheated on, you are left feeling guilty and responsible for the cheating.  Especially, if they are making you feel horrible.  

I think that is it. When she cheated she hit me with "Well in my mind we weren't together" and "I was feeling really vulnerable and he was there for me" and although she left me for another guy she made it seem like it was my fault we broke up and she actually said (since I had recently got a good job) "Part of me thinks you don't even deserve the success you have" It was like I was the one who broke her heart and not the other way around!

[thisagain]

There was one day toward the end of my relationship that really summed it all up for me. The night before she picked a fight with me over a "friend" who she'd been flirting with (the "friend" had basically propositioned her, and my partner was pretending to be oblivious). She gave me the silent treatment most of the morning. We'd planned to go out to dinner for her birthday, so I told her that I wasn't going to pay for a fancy dinner if she was going to sulk. She yelled at me for a while about how I can't tell her how to feel and then yelled "it's over! I can't do this anymore!", which I just ignored.

A few hours later, she starts begging me not to leave her, says she didn't mean it, wants to make out. Starts talking about proposing and what our house is going to look like. Spent most of the afternoon literally clinging to me and begging me to never leave her because we're meant to be together and I'm perfect for her.

Then at dinner, she resumed picking the fight about the inappropriate "friend" and went back to pouting.

I think what makes it BPD as opposed to just a horrible cheating person, is the splitting and fear of abandonment. It's not our job to diagnose our partners (let alone our exes), but it was so comforting to me to come here and see the patterns playing out in so many other people's relationships. Days like the one I described above often made me feel crazy, so it was comforting and validating to see how my ex's crazymaking moments fit with a recognized pattern of disordered thinking/behavior. She claims to this day that she doesn't have BPD and that she discussed it extensively with her therapist. I don't really care anymore, because I know what I experienced.

[Joem678]

The conversation that made me go NC was when she tried to guilt me for behaving the way I did after the previous affair.  She was saying, Babe, I want a divorce because of the way you acted after (guys name).  We were discussing the current situation.

[FannyB]

It's the push/pull behaviour. I want you til you want me then I don't want you! Nearly drove me mad. Never has a relationship so discombobulated me that I went online for answers. The other behaviours: dissociation, impulsivity, sulking, triangulation etc. were all symptoms of the primary relationship dynamic i.e. abandonment & engulfment terror. 


Fanny

[C.Stein]

For me, I accidentally landed on an article about BPD after our relationship was over and it was almost as if I had written it about us.  This prompted much research.  I also took several different online screening tests using my knowledge of her and our relationship.  In all the screening tests there was a high probability she is suffering from BPD.

Then I found this site and all the similar stories kinda confirmed what I already had come to suspect.  She has not been officially diagnosed to my knowledge but I feel if she were she would be classified as BPD with a possible comorbid HPD.

Really doesn't matter either way though.  She couldn't control her hurtful behavior and it destroyed me and our relationship.  At the end of the day that is the only thing that matters.